Chapter Four

Bellamy

She has been knocking on my door for a long time. I hear her everyday. It's been more than two weeks since I've seen anyone other than to get food. And even then, I barely feel like eating. Instead, I have sit here thinking of nothing but Clarke.

"You're not the only one here who's lost someone, Bellamy," I hear her on the other side.

"You're not the only one who gets to sulk," she says.

I ignore her. I don't have the capacity to think about what she is trying to prove.

"Finn was taken from me. Jasper from Monty. Murphy's parents. Emori's brother. Echo's clan. So many people were taken from all of us, Bellamy. If you are going to sulk, you can at least talk to me," Raven says. I decide that she is not going to leave me alone this time.

I walk over to the door and open it. She stares looking shocked but happy. She pushes her way past my arm to get into my room. I close the door and look at her. She stares at me as if deciding how I am doing just by my appearance. My face is scruffy. My clothes are sweaty. My body feels weak from lack of food. My eyes are tired all the time but I can never sleep. My face is puffy from crying. My hand is red and swollen from punching.

She sits down in the chair in my room. I sit down on the bed across from her and wait for her to say anything.

"You like hell, Blake," she says with a nod, leaning back in her chair.

"I've felt better."

"We all have," she agrees.

"What are you here for, Raven?" I demand. "I don't feel like having any visitors."

She nods but the look on her face is not at all sympathetic. She can't give into that.

"Finn was my family. He was my best friend. He was my boyfriend. He was the only person who knew me. And without him, I would have died on the arch," she says with honesty.

"What's the point of this?" I ask.

"When Finn was killed, I screamed and cried. I was devastated. You held me until I could remember how to stand."

I nod, looking down at my hands.

"I just want to help you. You helped me."

"How?" I ask.

"Clarke was your best friend. She knew you like no one else. Finn was the same way."

"She knew things no one did," I admit. "I'm not telling you how I feel, Raven. You know how I feel."

"Yeah, I do," she agrees. "So tell me something else. What was your favorite thing about Clarke?"

"What?"

She stares at me, waiting for me to answer. This might be the most painful thing that I will say out loud. And I am going to do it in front of Raven Reyes? I don't think so. She took comfort in me once after Finn broke up with her. But we can't do that now. I can't do that with her anymore. I remember it but I haven't thought about it again until now.

"My favorite thing about her was that she was unafraid to know me. She wanted to know me. She wanted me to work with her, to find the best solution we could, together." I bite my lip but it does no good. I wipe my hand over my face and lean my elbows on my knees. She inches closer to me the way Clarke used to.

"My favorite part about myself was Clarke," I admit through tears.

Raven hitches her breathing, as if she was surprised about what she heard. She turns to me, putting her hand on my leg so that I have to look up at her, blinking my tears down my face.

"My favorite part about myself was Finn. But when I didn't have him, I had to find my own purpose. You'll have to find that now too."

She holds her hand out and I take it. Arm to arm, we stare at each other.

"This is not going to be easy, Bellamy," she says. "But if you shut out the entire world, you are going to regret it. You need friends and family. You have them here."

I nod.

"Raven?" I ask.

She looks at me.

"Did you sleep with Finn? Not like sex. Like next to him, with him," I say. I know it sounds weird but right now I don't care. She is right. We have been through a lot together. We can be family. We should be. I trust her. I have trusted her for a long time.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.

"Yeah," she says, nodding. "I used to sneak into his room or he would come into mine when my mom wasn't around on the Ark. And again on the ground in the tents."

I nod, creasing my eyebrows together.

"Did you feel weird without him?" I ask her.

"Very. Lonely. Weird. Scary even," she says. "It hurt worse because of the situation. When he was dead, I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I was afraid to sleep without him."

I nod.

She puts it together. She raises her eyebrows and then leans forward on her elbows.

"You and Clarke?" she asks.

"Just slept," I say clearly. "But yes. Don't say anything—"

"I would have no reason to," she says. I trust her. I trust that. "It's gonna take a long time but you will heal. I'll make sure of that."