Life in the Resistance wasn't as easy as Rey had expected. Not that the people weren't nice, and not that Finn, Poe, and Rose weren't there for her, it was just... so much. After secretly reconvening on Bespin, Leia, and other Resistance sympathizers, had managed to scrounge together something that resembled a team and were planning their next course of action. And as much as Rey wanted to be a part of it all, she held her distance. She was an outsider in this, even after all she'd done, and for reasons she couldn't begin to explain.
Kylo—Ben. How much of what I've seen does he know?
She wasn't sure if she trusted him. Cared for him? Of course. Worried about him? Only every waking moment. Mad at him?
Mad as a cheated Hutt.
Out of everyone, Leia seemed to understand that there was more going on for Rey than anyone realized and, combined with the loss of Luke's knowledge and any training he could have provided, Rey felt lost. Behind the smile and the easy laughter, Rey was hurting. She found it was easier to go back to old patterns of isolation than it was to admit that she needed help from her friends because what could she say?
Hello. Yes, I'm connected to Supreme Leader Kylo Ren through a bond in the Force and at any time he could psychically connect with me and divine our position and strategy? Oh, and I think that he's the only person in the galaxy that really understands me? And I might be falling in love with him?
She could only imagine how that would go over.
Rose had noticed her far-away stares and offered to talk about it, mistakenly assuming that Rey was still grieving over Han and Luke. And it wasn't that she wasn't still sad, she was, but it was more than that. She missed Ben Solo like a phantom limb and having to hide it from her friends was getting harder by the day. And the jealous, selfish part of her was more upset about having to watch as Finn found love on his own. Some best friend she was. So she distracted herself, even as the Force complicated everything in her life. She went on scouting missions with Chewie. Made supply runs. Did whatever she could to keep her thoughts from him, but inevitably, when she was at her lowest, when she needed him the most, he'd be there. Part of her was upset that the Force had so tightly wound her fate to Ben's, but another, more honest part of Rey reminded her that this was what she'd always wanted—belonging. She belonged to Ben like no one else in the galaxy and he belonged to her.
But, Gods, why did it have to be so confusing?
It came as a surprise to no one when Rey volunteered to collect some family relics for Leia from her ancestral home. Apparently, Leia had stashed some books and other articles that either could be helpful for their cause or could be sold to further fund it. So Rey and Chewie took the Falcon from where the Resistance had been holed up and made their way to Naboo.
Chewie knew the way to the Naberrie family retreat, Varykino, and Rey watched, eyes wide with wonder as Leia's ancestral home came into view when they dropped in through the atmosphere. It was spectacular to behold. Hedged in by sharp, verdant mountains, Varykino jutted out into the lake, commanding a nearly perfect view of the crystalline waters. Rey commented that she'd never seen anything so beautiful before and Chewie shrugged, telling her that one day she should visit his ancestral home on Kashyyyk, then she wouldn't be so impressed with tiny trees and little lakes. Rey had laughed and promised that one day, she'd go visit with him.
Though, she was doing that a lot lately, promising herself that one day she'd do something. How long would this struggle last? And would she even see the end of it? Rey shook her head and tried to focus on her mission—gather the relics and personal items for Leia and then get back to the Resistance.
They'd arrived late in the day, so Chewie had decided to stay with the Falcon while Rey met with the sparse serving crew. They had been notified of her presence prior to her arrival and were happy to help her find what she needed for General Organa. It took hours and, by the time they'd managed to pack all that she needed, Rey was tired and hot. Summer, it seemed, was balmy on the planet and Rey was unused to the strange humidity, amplified by the lake adjacent to the Varykino. After dinner, the serving crew retired for the evening after assuring Rey that they'd help her with moving the large crates to the Falcon in the morning after she'd gotten some rest.
Then they'd left her. Though most of the rooms in the lake retreat were covered with drapes and unaired, they'd prepared a spectacular room for Rey to stay in. In the biggest room she'd ever seen, with the most elaborately decorated bed in creation. The room made her feel wrong. Like she wasn't good enough to even be in the same vicinity as such amazing creations. She was surrounded by splendor and as the many mirrors that lined the walls reflected her image in the strange surroundings, Rey felt lost. Uncomfortable, and dressed in unfamiliar sleeping clothes—a too soft, too short silken gown—she found herself wandering out onto the veranda that seemed to wrap around the beautiful home.
The Naberrie's retreat was beautiful, though she preferred it at night. The shadows made the palatial building seem less intimidating, blurring the edges in the same darkness she often felt in her heart. Rey made her way to the edge of the veranda where the lake itself brushed up against the outline of the property. The moon was high and glittered against the dark waters like diamonds, haunting and beautiful. It just made her feel so alone, so she shouldn't have felt surprised to feel the air thicken, that tense moment before the bond solidified in the Force and then release as he joined her. Ben cleared his throat from behind her and she knew he could see her clothes—or the lack of.
"They're not big on keeping things hidden here," she joked without turning around. Eventually, she felt the warmth of his body seep into her own as he pressed into her back. Rey splayed her hands on the beautiful stone railing before her as Ben's warmth seeped into her. She could feel that he was wearing much more clothing than she was, which was annoying because it meant she was at a disadvantage. How was she supposed to resist him when so much of her body was exposed to his touch?
But Ben always seemed to wait for her to take the lead. She didn't know if it was one of the things he'd subconsciously picked up from her—that she was more comfortable being in control—but she also knew it was a challenge for him. Kylo Ren bent his knee to no man, but to a woman, a scavenger?
I'd give you the galaxy, if you but asked, came his thoughts, deep, dark and seductive.
I only ever wanted your support, she thought back, tartly. But that had meant supporting an organization that he fundamentally disagreed with. The Resistance were the criminals, in his mind, working towards their own end in a galaxy that seemed to thrive on war. Rey sighed and shook her head and, instead of pursuing what was to be another lengthy argument, Ben gathered her tight against him, his warm, strong arms wrapping around her middle as he tucked her underneath his chin.
You look beautiful, drowned in moonlight.
There was no way he didn't know where she was. Leia had mentioned that she, Han and Ben had a few spent summers at the lake, when he'd still been at home and things were... better. But Rey considered all the times she'd inadvertently revealed her location or some detail about the Resistance. For what it was worth, Ben never seemed to be seeking out information from her. All he wanted was to be with her. Rey closed her eyes as the gentle sounds of the water brushing against the shore soothed her conflicted soul. No wonder Leia had come here and no wonder her ancestors had kept this home safe for so long. It was a miracle in an otherwise dark galaxy.
Rey shifted in his arms to face Ben before hopping up on the stone railing behind her. Ben looked down at her, head cocked to the side, as his gaze cascaded over her body. With a smile and a gentle tug at his clothing, Rey pulled him between her legs and wrapped herself around his broad body. She liked having all of herself wrapped around all of him. It almost eliminated the lonely memories if her childhood when she'd imagine that someone, somewhere out there in the galaxy, was thinking of her—waiting with open arms. Of course, there had been someone—Ben Solo—only they hadn't met each other yet.
But the Force knew.
And as unsure and awkward as they sometimes were together, Ben always made her feel cared for, even if his delivery sometimes needed work.
I'm better at showing my feelings.
Than telling? You and I both, Ben.
His strong arms wrapped around her and held her tight against his warm body. Where she was seated was high enough up that it brought Rey to his eye-level, and she found she liked being the same height as Ben. From her position, she could touch everywhere she wanted, even the places that were sometimes out of her reach.
Like the tips of your ears... she thought while gently trailing her fingers along the curve of his ear.
I don't know why you like them so much.
They're wonderful. They're you. But they give you away.
Give me away?
Yes, when you think of all the things you want to do to me, and when you do them, your ears flush red. It's brilliant.
Rey leaned in and brushed her lips along the curve of his jaw before gently tugging on his earlobe with her lips.
Ben shuddered against her and Rey couldn't suppress her chuckle.
I think someone likes my ear-worship a little more than they're letting on.
Stars, you have no idea...
Rey pulled her head back and laughed. She'd not been expecting that much honesty. What a man the Force had bound her to. It was getting harder and harder to keep the distance between them, especially since they were being brought together with more frequency.
And especially since you both can't seem to stop touching each other, Rey chided herself while Ben leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before tucking Rey against his body again. She could swear he was laughing at her internal monologue, so she teased him instead.
Never pegged you for a snuggler, Ben.
There are many things you don't know about me, Rey.
Of that, she was absolutely certain, but he was good enough to distract her from asking more questions with his lips and his roaming, leather-bound hands. And Rey, Force forgive her, lived for his reverent touch. Soon enough, Rey wasn't just wrapped around him, she was clinging to him as he slowly teased her body. It was unfair, the way he could get into her head and just pull out everything she wanted, but before she could retaliate with her own hands, he shifted her focus.
"Do you trust me?" he asked before leaving long, suckling kisses along the curve of her neck.
"I... Yes?" Rey could feel him smile against her skin.
"Not very convincing, sweetheart," his deep voice rumbled, sending a delicious shiver right through her. Rey opened her mind and heart, feeling out through the Force and was overwhelmed by the pure emotion of what she beheld. He saw her. All of her. The dark, the light, the good, the bad, the conflict, and the conviction. That was who he wanted—who he cared for. Not because she was powerful, or that she would be a useful tool, he wanted Rey because he'd fallen in love with all of her.
In love with...?
Rey pulled back and gently pressed on his chest so she could look into his eyes. Had he really meant for her to see all of that?
"Ben?" Rey didn't know what else to say. She stared at him and, as ever, felt as if he was peering into her soul. What other secrets did he know about her, and still he wanted her?
"You must know, there isn't another person in the galaxy that means what you do to me."
Sometimes, when he looked at her, his intensity scared her. Ben's eyes would lock onto her and see right through to the blood and bone and marrow of her very being and she felt laid bare by it. There was an honesty between them that hadn't existed for her before—not with her friends, not with any of the other scavengers on Jakku, no one.
And it terrified her. What would it be like to have the love of such a man? One who burned bright with the intensity of a sun? She would know if she let him love her the way he wanted to. If she shared her life with him, the way he wanted to. But there had to be a concession, wasn't that a part of love as well? Or maybe she'd never known what it was beyond an emotion that others had manipulated—with her and with Ben—in order to get what they wanted.
"I... Ben, I'm not sure that know what love is?"
Rey had lived with the lie of her parents for so long and even Unkar had held it over her head. They'd be back, if she was just good enough, worked well enough, hoped hard enough... Lies. It was all lies. But Ben had helped her see the truth, the truth she'd denied for so long. It had made her feel free, but with that freedom came fear. With Rey free from the past, it meant had to take responsibility for the present. And presently, Rey was having a moment through a strange Force bond with someone who should have been her biggest enemy.
Ben was quiet for a long time, just content to hold her and let the gravity of her words settle around them. She had friends and people she cared for, but there was always this little part of her that she held back, even when it seemed as if she jumped into friendships with blind determination. It was easier to put herself out there physically than to make herself available emotionally. Because that fear of abandonment always lingered at the edge of her psyche—Will they leave me? Do they care? Is this all a lie to get my help? Do they love me? Can I love? What is the truth?
If she kept back that little piece of herself, then the hurt would be that much less, but with Ben... It was getting harder and harder to keep that piece of her heart, especially when the Force seemed to want her to lay everything bare between them.
"For the longest time, I didn't think I knew how to love," he admitted, finally. Rey's fingers dug into the thick fabric of his tabard, almost as if she was bracing herself for the inevitable hurt of his words, but the pain never happened.
You changed things for me. His gaze trailed over her face, watching and feeling for her reaction.
As did you for me. Rey blushed. He was always drawing out the truth of her feelings, pushing her beyond the boundaries she thought she had.
"I believed I'd be alone forever."
I knew they were never coming back, I just never wanted to break the illusion.
"I wanted to be alone forever."
It's easier to let go of the past when there's nothing left of it. Snoke convinced me compassion—love—all such emotions were a weakness to be vanquished.
Ben dipped his head and gently pressed his lips to her forehead. "When I'm with you, I feel such peace. I've never felt as at home as when I'm with you, wherever that may be."
"Is that what love is? A feeling of home?" Rey asked. She'd always been curious, always asking too many questions and never getting any satisfactory answers.
Except with Ben. He never lies to me.
Ben gently threaded a gloved hand into the loose hair at the nape of her neck, slowly massaging as he considered.
"I'm not the best one to talk to about such things," he started. "But I can tell you that when I look at you, when I hear you, and can feel you near, I know there's nowhere else in the galaxy I'd rather be than with you."
Then why does this have to be so hard?
Everything between them was a mess and, beyond her own vision of an indeterminate future with Ben Solo, she couldn't see the steps that she needed to take to get what she wanted. And letting herself fall further with Ben seemed like it would only end in heartache for them both.
I've been told before that somethings are more important when you fight for them.
We're from different worlds, Ben.
And yet, the Force brought us together. There's more here at work than even we can comprehend.
So, that was it then? He wasn't the only one who'd told her to trust the Force before, but how could she trust the Force when it seemed as if it was leading them both towards some sort of mutual destruction?
Didn't you tell me once before to just be, or do you not take your own advice?
Rey frowned at him before tilting her head back and gently biting the tip of his nose. Ben blinked at her.
"Cruel scavenger," he murmured, eyes focused on her pout.
"Beautiful monster," she replied. She could feel his fingers twisting in her hair, the leather of his glove creaking as he pulled, just hard enough that it enhanced the desire between them. But before he could kiss her, Rey averted her eyes and conceded, "I think a part of me has always been waiting for you, Ben. When you first found me on Takodana, I was frightened because you were terrifying, but I was terrified because I knew you. And it made no sense."
Ben leaned forward and let his lips brush along the shell of her ear.
"Meeting you has been the only thing, in a very long time, that feels like it makes sense."
Gods, she felt the truth of that statement to her very core. Ben felt like a part of her own soul that had been missing and, when he was near, it was hard to keep her wits about her. Rey skimmed her hands up and gently pulled his head into her kiss. No matter how many times their lips met, she was always overwhelmed by the intensity of the feeling that thrummed through them both. They were connected at so many points, it was hard to divine where he ended and she began. She liked this—craved it, even. The more they met, the stronger the bond between them grew... as did her powers, but she had more pressing matters to consider.*
But before they could get much further, a knock echoing from inside distracted them both. And just like that he was gone, and she was there, alone, and frustrated. Was it later than she thought—or earlier?
Kriff... she growled, hoping he could still hear her.
Next time, sweetheart.
Rey took deep, calming breaths and tried to compose herself before heading back inside and searching for something to wrap herself in. Leia needed her relics and Rey needed to get them all on the Falcon as soon as possible so they could get back to the Resistance, but all she could think about was how pissed she was that they'd been interrupted. But she was being foolish. What was any of this going to resolve? A big, fat nothing. It was only going to make things harder, in the long run. The days cycled on and it was getting harder and harder to keep their bond secret. One day, someone was going to find out what was between them and how that could be utilized by both the Resistance and the First Order...
Maybe a little hint on how things should be going? Rey thought, hoping the Force would at least point her in the right direction. As ever, it was silent and only seemed to make things more complicated for her.. With a sigh, Rey went to let the servants know she'd be right out to help. It was going to be a long day.
Thanks for the prompt, Nokkie!
If you are still looking for prompts, how about something from Rey's perspective where she gives into some of her dark desires or something light-hearted like a late night chat whilst she's on a resistance mission &everyone else is asleep. Don't matter. Love your style
Me: How about both? lol kind of?
I'm having a good time with this, hence the ease with which I'm writing it (kind of? hah fast for me, anyways). This chapter turned out too damn long, but consider it my New Year's present for you all for being so lovely.
I haven't been to Lake Como (where some of Episode II was filmed and where the Naberrie lake retreat "exists"), but I have been all over the rest of Italy and goddamnit if Verdi wasn't right when he said, "You may have the universe if I may have Italy." Hands down, travel fav (even if it sometimes gets a little nutso—Napoli Centrale-hooooooooooo!).
Drowned in moonlight is my little shout out to Space Mom. God fucking damnit, I miss Carrie Fisher so much. I still can't really talk about it. She meant a lot to me, as I know she meant a lot to everyone, but fuck it still hurts.
I edited to keep within the rating on this site at *, but it's all up on AO3 if you're interested/able/etc.
I'm still sick (bleh) and any mistakes are my own (yay!). Thanks for the favs/follows/reviews! And thanks for reading. Your support and kind words mean more than you can know! Have a safe and happy New Years, everyone! If you're so inclined, leave a comment with a prompt or come over and visit me on Tumblr pacificwanderer.
