"You could have died." It wasn't the conversation starter Maura had intended when she finally made her way back downstairs to find Jane on the couch watching ESPN.
Jane flicked the television off and turned her body so that she was looking over the back of the couch to where Maura stood. "I know, worked the drug unit for years, remember?"
Wine, you need wine for this. Maura walked over to the fridge to pull out last night's bottle of wine. She knew she should let it breathe, but she also needed to feel the comfort of the glass in her hand. She poured a healthy sized glass and swirled it around a little, buying time as she tried to reconstruct her thoughts. She had already shifted focus once, but once again found herself returning to the topic of drug use. "You could have suffered a heart attack or stroke Jane."
Jane sighed and dragged herself from the couch and over to the kitchen island, so that she stood opposite Maura. "I had two choices Maur, maybe die or definitely die. I couldn't think of anything other than getting outta that situation so I could come home to you. After everything that happened with…" she trailed off, she didn't like thinking about their loss; her loss.
"Frost." Maura finished for her. This had been the one thing that had concerned her most about the assignment; Jane hadn't finished grieving the death of her partner before jumping into it. Neither of them had.
Jane winced at hearing the name. "Please don't."
"I've been thinking a lot about what you told me and I have been trying to piece together why you would do this to me… to us." She sighed and sipped the wine, it was a little bitter, but it would do. "I have a theory that after Frost you ran, and you're still running in spite of yourself. You ran and you left me behind to deal with the loss on my own Jane."
"He was my partner…" Jane started, only to be interrupted.
"And he was my friend. My friend." She put her wine glass down on the island and turned to look out the kitchen window, "And because you wouldn't trust me to help you through this you ran straight into a dangerous situation and then you took your self destruction to nuclear proportions."
"I do trust you Maur…" The Italian ran her hand through her hair, she was getting tense. She was trying so hard to do what her mother told her and let Maura have her say, but she didn't want to talk about Frost. She didn't want to think about him and she most certainly didn't want to feel the loss.
Maura turned back to face Jane and tilted her head curiously, she noted the puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. Jane was clearly apologetic for her actions, but the insistence there was not a reason for them was frustrating. She needed Jane to understand there was a reason, not a very good one given the support she had around her, but a reason nonetheless. "Were you high or coming down from the high when you engaged in intercourse with Ruiz?"
"Aww geez Maura, do you really want a play by play?" Jane snapped sarcastically.
Anger flashed across hazel eyes. "And what if I did? I think you owe me that!" She spat bitterly; she didn't want the intricate details of the act itself, but she did want to know what happened leading up to the act.
Gritting her teeth Jane tried to think back through the memories she clearly wanted to erase to find the answers the medical examiner wanted. "I dunno might have been on the cusp… yeah I might have been coming down from the high."
"And what were you thinking about?"
"That I nearly died. Damnit Maura, what does this matter? I fucked up; I hurt you… I hurt us."
"You hurt you." It was the only logical conclusion Maura had been able to come to. "You're allowed to be happy Jane."
Shoulders slumped; Jane felt defeated. "I hurt you."
"You were thinking about Frost, weren't you?" Maura prodded, trying desperately to get Jane to really think about what had happened.
Jane started pacing agitatedly. "Yeah okay I was. Him, you, putting myself in constant danger and the inevitability that I would end up just like him and leave you behind like he did," A fresh bout of hot bitter tears bit at her face; she stopped and faced Maura, "Are you happy now, huh?"
"The downside of cocaine use is the anxiety that can follow when the euphoria of the high subsides. Combined with your grief over Frost I think it may have spiralled your thoughts so far out of control that you just needed to feel something." Maura sighed and returned to her wine glass, understanding Jane's actions didn't make the affect on her own emotional well being any better, not really.
"What are you saying Maura? That I had some kinda breakdown?" Jane was perplexed by the overall calmness of her girlfriend, if she could still call her that, but she had to admit that some of what she was saying made sense. Emotionally she had been overwrought and her decision making had been off the charts terrible. To have cheated was one thing, but to then focus so much on what she had done to Maura to basically end her career? "I think I need to sit down."
Maura followed Jane over to the couch and sat down beside her, the hardest part was to come and she felt the latest bout of tears begin to well in her eyes. This was never how she pictured her future to be; not before Jane and especially not after her. "I don't know if that would be the best choice of description, but you most certainly reached a low point."
"Only way is up, right?" Jane quipped nervously.
"I don't know. All I know is none of this has been about me. It's all been about you and how you have chosen to deal, or as the case may be, not deal with difficult things."
Yeah she'd made a right royal mess of it, she knew this and the more she thought about it the worse she felt. There was so much wrong with everything she had done since Frost's passing. "I'm sorry. I love you Maur, you gotta believe that."
"I know and I love you too Jane, I suspect that will be the one thing that doesn't change." Maura steeled herself for what was to come next; it would be too easy to give Jane what she wanted. Too easy to forgive and fall back into the arms of the woman she loved; but she couldn't do that. It wouldn't help Jane and it wouldn't help her. Resentment would grow. She only had one choice in the matter.
Instincts in Jane were screaming at her to pay attention to what was happening. Instincts were telling her this was their defining moment. She glanced down at the soft touch of Maura's hand covering her own and back up at the tears that were now streaming freely down the doctor's face. Hazel eyes told her all she needed to know; she swallowed hard and softly shook her head. "No, please… Maura… Forgive me?"
Maura smiled sadly, forgiveness was inevitable. She loved Jane too much not to forgive her, but that didn't change reality. It didn't change the damage done to her heart, figuratively speaking. She removed the ring box from her pocket and placed it in Jane's hand before leaning in for a brief grazing of tear sodden lips. "I would have said yes, Jane."
A/N: The End. It's not wrapped up in a neat little bow, because... that would take a long time; plus I kinda fancy a potential sequel to this particular universe at some stage, when I have cleared some other unfinished stories first. As usual thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, reading, following, favouriting, the whole hog. I appreciate you all. As usual, be kind or be constructive. Thank you.
