A/N: Since, I love my loyal readers, here is ch. 4 for ya! Please read, enjoy & review!
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH or Oasis
It has been said,
"To live is to suffer. To survive, that is to find meaning in something"
It was another sleepless night, but unlike the others, tonight I was sober, and for some unknown reason I felt as if I was being called to the cemetery. At first I shook this thought off, but when sleep wouldn't come, I decided that I should probably go to Jamie's grave.
On my walk there I tried to remember the last time I had been to Jamie's grave sober, and the sad thing is that I couldn't remember. As I approached his grave I saw a figure hunched over crying. My first thought was Haley, I had bumped into her in town earlier in the day and I was surprised to see the sadness that had overtaken her eyes. I was taken back though when the moon hit the hunched figure and I saw the glowing of blond curls. Quietly, I walked up to behind the girl, and as I got closer I realized that it was in fact Peyton. I didn't want to scare her and I saw her tense up as she realized she wasn't alone. Quickly I said, "Peyton, it is just me, Nathan."
Before I knew what I was doing I had pulled Peyton in for a hug and held her. Part of me was curious to why Peyton was at Jamie's grave in the middle of the night, but the other part of me was comforted by the fact that Peyton cared enough to visit Jamie; I know how she is with cemeteries. This confusion that was going on in my mind brought tears to my eyes and it was at this moment that Peyton pulled away and noticed them. I felt my entire body shiver as she gently reached up and brushed them off my face. It was like no other moment we had ever shared together.
She nodded to the bench and pulled away to start walking towards it, and as she did, I once again grabbed her hand and didn't let go. There is just something so simple about holding Peyton's hand that heals my heart. We sat in silence for a few moments, then she looked at me and said, "Nate, tell me everything about your life. I have missed so much and for that I am truly sorry. I want to start being a better friend. So tell me, how is life Nate?"
I was shocked by this question. Not because I thought Peyton didn't care about me, but because I couldn't come up with a single answer that I felt like sharing with Peyton. Noticing that I was struggling with what to say Peyton said, "Nate, it is me, you can tell me anything. I am going to be here no matter what the truth is."
Her words were so comforting. No matter how ugly or bad the truth was, she was going to listen. So I figured I might as well start with the beginning. I was really glad she was still holding on to my hand. I looked into her eyes with mine full with tears and said, "Peyton, it was all my fault, I spent all my time playing basketball, playing some stupid game my dad pushed me into and I lost everything…"
For the first time since Jamie had died, I really let go of everything and I felt the flood gates break and I was overtaken by emotions. Peyton slipped her hand out of mine and pulled me into an embrace and let me cry.
Once I pulled myself together, I decided to start from the beginning.
"See, when Jamie died, I didn't know what to do, I blamed myself for spending so many hours at practice and being gone on the road for games. After a while though, I was so angry, that I started blaming Haley. She was the one that took him to the park, she should have been watching, she could have prevented him falling…"
At this admission I expect Peyton to say something about how bouncy two year old boys are, or that Haley is a good mom, or just anything to let me know how wrong my line of thinking was, but instead she just looks into my eyes and wipes away a tear from my cheek. So I proceed on.
"Eventually, I just started ignoring Haley, and put all my concentration into basketball. I was the old Nathan, fueled by anger, hate and the loss of my son. It was not a pretty combination, but I was doing really well at basketball. Then, one night I got home late from a road game and walked into a half empty house and found divorce papers and I lost it. As mean as I was to her, I never thought she would leave me. I undoubtly deserved for her to leave me, but I really didn't think it would ever happen.
When she left, I snapped, I lost it. I couldn't concentrate on anything. After the first round of the tournament Coach K benched me. I had gone from being a definite first round pick in the NBA draft, a father and a husband, to a benchwarmer. I had no idea what to do with myself. Thank God for Lucas that summer."
At the mention of his name, I feel her flinch, but she has to know how much he did for me, so I continue…
"He encouraged me to come back to Tree Hill and we spent the entire summer at the beach house. We drank, we played ball, and we ran. He let me be an ass for about a month and then he smacked some sense into me. I returned to Duke in the fall ready to play ball and to prove to everyone that I was ready for the NBA. Luckily, Coach K saw the change in me and gave me a chance. It was during the basketball season I realized that I didn't love Haley anymore. Too much had happened and despite my comeback on the basketball court I was still too angry to forgive her. In my heart I still blamed her for everything that had happened with Jamie and with our marriage. I was having a phenomenal season, playing the best basketball I had in my life. We had reached the post season and had made it to the tournament. Once again, everyone was talking about my prospect as an NBA player, and I was on top of the world. At the start of the second half, during the first round of play, I was on a fast break away and went up for a layup. A player on the opposing team ran smack into me and I came down on my knee wrong and it shattered.
I was out for the season. Once again, I felt like here was another person stealing my life away from me. Everything I had in my life was suddenly gone. Jamie. Haley. And now, basketball. My knee, although season ending, wasn't permanent. I had surgery and rehabbed my knee, but my heart just wasn't in it. So I didn't even try for the NBA. I just came back to Tree Hill and have been drinking my life away. Honestly Peyton, I spend so many days engulfed in anger that I can't function. I am embarrassed to say this to you, but it is true. In fact, on my walk over here I tried to remember the last time I came to see Jamie when I was sober, and I couldn't do it.
So basically, my life sucks, and I have done nothing in the past year and a half to make it better. I am the same angry drunk that you had to save when Haley left me, only no one has been here to save me."
As I finish telling Peyton all of this, I have no idea how she is going to handle it. I didn't intend to share that much, or be that honest, but for some reason I just couldn't look into her eyes and lie. She is just sitting there looking at our hands which are still intertwined. I gently kiss her on the forehead and get up and walk away. I just need some space after that confession.
Nathan left me about thirty minutes ago, but I am still sitting here on this bench watching the sunrise. To say I am surprised by Nathan's confession is an understatement. Never in a million years did I think Nathan would be so honest with me, or did I think that Nathan was hurting so much.
So I just sit and watch the sun slowly creep up, and out of the corner of my eye I see two figures approaching the bench. I am not surprised to see Haley and Brooke; it figures they would come to find me here. They both look a little worse for wear after all the wine last night. I am actually glad to have them join me, I am not sure how to process my conversation with Nathan, and I accept the intrusion gladly.
As Haley and Brooke get to the bench they hand me a blanket and they have a thermos of coffee. They both sit on either side of me, but I quickly get up and put Haley in the middle, so I can hug her, and Brooke follows my lead also hugging Haley. After hearing what Nathan had to say, I am sure that Haley is hurting just as much, if not more.
At the simple gesture of our hug Haley breaks down in tears, as do Brooke and I. After a few moments she looks at both of us and quietly says, "Thanks, I really needed my girls."
That is the last thing that is said as we watch the sun rise into the morning sky. All at once we get up and head to Brooke's car where we pile in. Brooke and I drop Haley of a Luke's where she is staying and head home. I am emotionally drained after spending the majority of the night with Nathan and the morning with Haley. When we get home, we both head to my room and Brooke snuggles into bed with me. Before we both drift off to sleep, I look at her and thank her. Despite my terrible year and how lost I have been, I have always had my best friend at my side. I realized this morning how lucky I am to have Brooke Davis in my life.
I woke up around noon and saw that Brooke had already gotten up. There was a note on my nightstand that said she was going into the shop and that it would be ready for me to start painting tomorrow. I figured that I should probably get up and go see Karen to talk to her about the job at Tric and then I would go to Brooke's shop and work on the sketches some more.
For the first time, I wasn't nervous to run into Lucas, I realized that no matter how it went, I had Brooke to comfort me and stand by my side. And the more I thought about it. I realized I would still have Nathan and Haley and Karen too.
On my way to the café, I stopped by Nathan's and slipped a CD into his mail slot. I wanted him to know that I meant what I said. No matter what, I am not leaving again. Of all the people in Tree Hill, I missed him the most, and surprisingly, I wanted him to have missed me too.
After I got home from the cemetery I finally found sleep. It was the best sleep I had gotten in the past two years. It had felt so good to say everything out loud and admit how lost I was.
When I woke up I felt invigorated. For some reason being around Peyton Sawyer just makes me want to be a better man. I felt so ashamed telling her how lost I was, because I had always been a fighter, that was the Nathan Scott she had been friends with. So when I got up I put on my running gear and headed out to the beach. It was slow and unsteady at first, but then I found my rhythm and forgot the joy that working up a sweat brought me.
When I finally made my way back to the beach house, I found a CD case lying on the floor next to the door. When I opened it up a piece of paper fell out. It was a drawing of two figures sitting on a bench; I realized that it was supposed to be Peyton and I. I flipped the paper over and all it had were two sentences.
Nate,
You don't need me to save you, but I will anyways. Start by listening to this song
Always,
Peyton
I made my way over to my laptop that was in the kitchen and put the CD in. Before the track started I heard Peyton's voice fill my kitchen saying, "Saving Nathan, Track One" and then the song started…
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
And so Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away
I'm gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say
And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say
At least not today.
After the song ended I heard Peyton's voice once again, "That Scott, was Oasis, Don't Look Back in Anger, it's not rap, but it will heal your heart"
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