A/N: We know that normal puberty is not all this horrific, but Aang is not a normal boy. The Puberty of the Avatar is more concentrated and ridiculous. We only laugh to keep from crying. We each have our own horror stories from when we went through "the change of life."
As always, Avatar belongs to Mike, Bryan, and Nickelodeon.
"I'm bored," Mai said. She was arm-in-arm with Zuko as they walked through the Fire Nation Outlet Mall. People scattered in their wake.
"I know. You've been saying that since we got here," growled Zuko. He was in a worse mood than normal. He was bored too, but there wasn't any sense in having a bored competition with Mai - she always won.
"Tell me why we're here again?"
"How should I know?" he asked. "Ty Lee wanted to come, and she's your friend, not mine. I just hang out with her because I have no friends of my own." It was true. It was hard being friends with someone as emo as Zuko - no matter how hot he was.
Suddenly Ty Lee appeared on his other side. She was grinning from ear to ear. "Hi! Have you guys found anything exciting to buy?"
"No," they replied in unison.
A slight crease formed between Ty Lee's eyebrows. Honestly, it sometimes was hard to enjoy being around these two. Now that they were dating, they were attached at the hip. And it was kind of frustrating to be around them. Not in a "oh they are so mushy and cute" kind of way. More in a "What the hell, Mike and Bryan? Who thought it would be a good idea to pair these two together? Zuko used to be kind of badass, but now he's just angsty with a blah girlfriend tied around his neck" kind of way.
Ty Lee tried to shrug off her consternation. She had thought it would be a good idea to get out and do something. They hadn't had any real fun since getting back from Ember Island. It was seriously blocking her chi.
But today her chi felt clean, fresh and lightly aired. Perhaps it was because it was such a gorgeous day. Perhaps it was because they were at the mall. Perhaps it was because she had just gotten the cutest dress marked off 75. Or perhaps it was because Azula had opted to stay home and plan extremely Machiavellian plots. Whatever the reason, it was good to be out and she'd be damned if she let Maiko ruin her fun. "Well, I am going to go into Fiery Femme Fatale and see if they have any cute shoes. I'll see you two later."
"Whatever," Mai said as she heaved a big sigh that seemed to suck Zuko's soul out of his body. "So what are we going to do now?"
"I don't care. What do you want to do?" Zuko scratched his leg while Mai rolled her eyes.
"This is totally unproductive. Let's at least go to the food court. Maybe buying food will make this trip not such a waste of our time." Mai started directing him to the small part of the mall dedicated to clogged arteries. As they drew closer, Zuko's attention was drawn to a small group of mall patrons off to the side. They seemed familiar, but he couldn't place how he knew them.
"But Katara! I need to wear my new pants around the mall! How can people ogle me if I don't?"
"Sokka, we're trying to NOT draw attention to ourselves!"
"You're just sore because Aang kicked you out of that store he was in."
"I AM NOT!!!"
"Yes, you are. The whole ground is trembling with your rage."
"STAY OUT OF THIS TOPH!"
Zuko couldn't believe his ears. The Avatar was here? At the Outlet Mall? And his loser friends were doing a pretty poor job of keeping it a secret. He stole closer to get a better look at the waterbender, her brother, and the blind earthbender. Hmm, they looked the same, and yet different. First off, they had managed to find some Fire Nation clothing. And the boy seemed to have stopped shaving the sides of his head. And the waterbender was wearing her filthy hair just like his mother had!
Zuko felt his rage stir at the memory of his mother. He had to close his eyes and practice some of Ty Lee's breathing exercises to keep himself from hurling fire at the Water Tribe brats.
But just as he had collecting himself, the Avatar came around the corner, clutching a small bottle in his hand.
"ArE WE reADy tO gO?"
"Yes! I got my jeans, and apparently I can't wear them until I'm away from all the ladies."
"What are Katara and I? Goat fish?"
"Come on Toph, you can't actually see me, and if Katara lusted after me and my tight jeans then we'd have a pretty big problem on our hands."
"What's in the bottle, Aang?"
"Oh, nothing."
"It doesn't look like nothing to me. It has to be something pretty important if you didn't want me with you when you bought it."
"Well, sometimes a guy has to shop alone Katara."
"Why? Girls don't shop alone. Unless they are buying presents for someone. Is that why you didn't want me around? Because you were buying me a present?"
"... No."
"THAT'S IT! WE'RE LEAVING!"
Zuko watched as the small group headed for the exit, most of them pouting. He had to admit he was surprised to see the Avatar with hair. In fact, if his friends hadn't screamed his name a few times he might not even have known who it was. He had to go after them. He and his father had been getting along so well these past few weeks. They hadn't tried to fight to the death once. Zuko started to wheeze as he considered his father finding out Aang was still alive. He really didn't look forward to more facial scarring.
"Oh, gross Zuko." Damn, he had forgotten about his girlfriend. A girlfriend who was not into his wheezing apparently. "That's disgusting, you're all flemmy." He had to lose Mai.
"Mai..."
"Stop Zuko. Look, I like you and all, but I really don't want to be around you when it sounds like you're going to hack something up." She took a small step away from him. "Listen, why don't you go to the bathroom, take care of whatever it is you need to take care of, and come back and buy me some food." His eyes narrowed as he considered his options. There was a window in the bathroom.
"Sure Mai. Sorry about this." He hacked some more for effect. "I don't know what's come over me. You grab a seat and I'll be back." Turning Zuko took off towards the bathroom while Mai settled down for the longest wait of her life.
He was riding his giant lizard through the forest below the flying bison. It hadn't been hard to track them. He just had to listen for the sound of Katara's yelling to drift past on the wind.
"...IRRESPONSIBLE... selfish... JEANS... bottle of MYSTERY!"
Just when Zuko (and the kids flying in the air) thought that Katara would never shut up, she did so. Then it was a little trickier to follow without being able to hear them. But soon he heard branches breaking which signified Appa's descent. He dismounted from his lizard and tied it to a tree before creeping closer to their campsite.
When he peered through the bushes, a strange sight met his eyes. The Avatar was sitting dejectedly in a corner. The waterbender was smoldering in another corner. The brother was doing various set up duties in pants so tight that Zuko had to look away in embarrassment. And the earthbender was tripping all over the place. Zuko found this the most unusual because he remembered that the earthbender was very surefooted. It was also odd that whenever she tripped she managed to land on the brother.
His attention was drawn back to the Avatar who was trying to open the small bottle he had purchased at the outlet mall. It seemed to be sealed too tightly. After a few moments of frustration there was a huge gust of wind, the bottle was airborne, and then it crashed with a pile of goo splashing onto the Avatar's pants.
Zuko watched in amusement as the liquid began eating through the material of the Avatar's pants without him noticing. But then he did notice and came running straight toward the bushes Zuko was hiding behind. Zuko just managed to jump out of the way before the Avatar crashed through.
As he ran past, a bit of goo landed on Zuko's tunic. He quickly tried to wipe it off before it could ruin his royal clothes. It smelled strangely of mangos.
Zuko was lost in strange thoughts of mangos for a minute before he managed to pull himself together and remember why he was there. He took a deep calming breath and then started tracking the Avatar to his location. It turned out all his tracking training wasn't really needed as the Avatar wasn't that difficult to find.
Zuko got ready to make his move as he watched the younger boy scrub the offending goo off his body. A few seconds later opportunity hit in the form of the Avatar state. He couldn't believe his good fortune. Finally after all this time he was in luck...unless you counted all those other times he could have killed him but didn't. As he was lost in the thought of his failures the water tribe boy came up.
Zuko weighed his options. He could charge out there and take care of the Avatar and the warrior at the same time, or he could wait for a better time to get the Avatar alone. Besides, he really didn't want to see those tight jeans in battle. And the Avatar is weirdly related to you, said a small voice in his head. "Crap, kind of forgot about that," he muttered in response.
He watched as the Avatar returned from the spirit world. Now he was talking to the other guy. Zuko couldn't hear well over the lapping water. He could only hear the occasional squeak coming from the Avatar. He smiled to himself. Bet puberty was a lot more of a bitch when you were supposed to rule all four elements. He wondered if the Avatar's puberty was more dramatic than a normal person's. Although, he thought, MY puberty was fraught with plenty of drama. I had my face burned off. Try dealing with THAT Mr. Special Avatar!
Suddenly, as he was in the midst of his musing, a huge odor assaulted his nostrils. As his eyes began to water, he looked back to the stream and saw something he couldn't quite believe. All the fish were floating to the top, dead.
As he crouched behind the bushes and tried to figure out fish death and how to breath only from his mouth, he almost missed the warrior's exit. They were alone. He could go out there right now and finally destroy the Avatar. He couldn't help but notice the stench getting stronger as he carefully made his way through the brush. It started to leak into his orifices.
Things in Zuko's world started to turn a very hot shade of pink. He knew he was in trouble when the dead fish that were in his line of vision started to talk to him. "Who wants to bet he screws this attempt up? What is it? Like your millionth try?"
"I bet he just goes crying to his sister for help, as usual."
"Seriously man. We're dead and we've got more clout than you."
He was getting frustrated; if those damn fish didn't shut up they were going to warn the Avatar of his presence. He wanted to go out and fire bend the hell out of them. Then he started to taste the smell. Trying not to dry heave and also trying not to kick dead fish ass, he finally made a slow retreat. His vision started to clear as he got back to his original hiding place. He was glad to see that those bastardly fish had gone back to being dead. Zuko was smiling smugly at his fishy enemies when the water tribe boy came back and so did Zuko's memories of what he was supposed to be doing. It was going to be a little more difficult if he started dying every time he got near the Avatar's fetid body.
While pondering his imminent death, he noticed that the water tribe boy was handing a bottle to the Avatar. The Avatar's expression was filled with pure bliss as he snatched the bottle and buried his nose in its contents.
And the warrior was leaving! Now was his chance...again.
He began to plug up his nose with strips from his shirt, leaves off nearby bushes, his hair, a naked mole rat wandering by, etc. And then he readied himself for the most important fight of his life. But something was wrong. Another smell was hammering its way through all of his nasal defenses.
"Come on!" Zuko yelled at the sky. He cringed, realizing this was not a good way to remain stealthy. Peeking over his leafy wall, he was glad to see his scream went unnoticed. He was not glad to see that everyone in the vicinity had left. Muttering to himself, he made his way back to the spot he knew the group had set up camp, pulling out all the crap he'd shoved up his nose on the way.
He finally got there and found another bush to hide behind. As he was congratulating himself on his excellent bush finding skills he noticed something. There was the water bender taking deep gasps of air, the earth bender picking her nose, and the idiot laughing to himself. There was no Avatar. Life was just not going Zuko's way.
He heard the Avatar making his way back to the stream. "ARG!" He ran back to the stream just as the Avatar was about to disrobe for another bath. "Screw waiting," Zuko muttered. He burst through the bushes and headed straight for the Avatar, his fists blazing with fire!
