#4

Chapter 4: Mom's not Nuts

My mom's manic depressive schizophrenic. She's been in and out of mental institutions since I was a little kid. It's comforting to know that when I was in kindergarten gluing macaroni to paper plates, my mom was in therapy gluing macaroni to paper plates.

(22 years ago)

Papa Titus had put Christopher's paper plate on the fridge. Little Christopher also handed him another plate saying "Mom sent this one."

Papa Titus took the plate. It was titled "Satan with cheese." It was a pizza slice with glitter on it. He taped it on the fridge right above Christopher's

Macaroni and glue, the fun side of moms' personality. But you may be surprised to know that if they don't take their medication, theirs a dark side to paranoid schizophrenia.

(17 years ago)

Titus' mom Juanita grabbed him and said "Get down, the aliens can see you."
"They look like trash cans mom" said Christopher trying to talk some sense into her.

"They always do. They're aliens not morons. Now go get your metal hat". Christopher ran off and his mom broke the window with a shotgun and screamed "HOW DARE YOU INVADE MY PLANET" as she fired several shots.

Mom was elected block captain of our neighborhood watch. No one ran against her.

(Now)

Titus and Erin walked through the front door which was for some reason unlocked.

Erin said "You didn't lock the door"

"I thought I did" said Titus.

Erin closed the door and locked it saying very seductively "well it's locked now".

Titus jumped on the couch and said "I've seen this movie"

They started to make out on the couch until Titus herd something fall. They looked towards the kitchen thinking it was a burglar. Erin said "We should call the police"

Titus said "no I got this." He picked up a baseball bat from under the couch.

Erin asked "what's that for?"

"He might have a gun"

"That fires baseballs"

"Shh"

Titus raised the bat as they waked up to the kitchen and Christopher's mom walked out holding a trey of hors d'œuvres. She smiled and said, "Christopher"

"Mom"

Erin looked at her fiancé holding a bat to his mother and said "Christopher, it's your mother, shouldn't you put down the bat?"

Titus stepped back a little and said "Nah-hah"

"Mom, how did you get out" asked Titus.

Juanita looked past him at Erin and said "You must be Erin. I'm so glad to meet you, I've herd so much about you."

Erin nervously looked at her and said "Hello Mrs. Titus. I've herd so much about you."

Juanita smiled and said "I have a reputation"

"Mom is somebody chasing you. Do we have to get ready for a shoot out? Is a Waco thing gunna happen?" asked Titus

Juanita placed the hors d'œuvres on the table and said "Relax Christopher, I didn't escape. I'm all better."

Titus finally lowered the bat and said "Well congratulations. You're not allowed in my house. Now pack your explosives and get out."

Erin pinched Titus and said "Let's not make your mother angry"

"Honey, this is not a drill. This is not Tommy dressed as mom. This is mom."

His mom laughed and reassured him "I'm fine Christopher. If you don't believe me than call Dr. Williams."

"I will. I got him on speed dial."

"Good it will give us girls time to know each other" said Mrs. Titus motioning to Erin.

Erin nervously laughed and said "I guess I got the head start there."

Titus scared for Erin's life said "honey, you're in her kill zone."

Erin quickly started backing up from Mrs. Titus.

There are certain things that will get you released from a mental care facility. Years of good behavior, positive psychological profile, an axe.

"I'm sorry Juanita. He can't seem to let go of your…..felonies." said Erin.

"And he's right, I was crazy. Oh he's such a smart boy but he's stubborn. He never lets go of things" said Juanita.
"God knows that's true" said Erin as she suddenly moved closer to Mrs. Titus.

Titus came back in with Juanita's suitcase saying "Hey mom it was good to see you. Come visit again when they burn out the other side of your brain."

"Alright, sweet heart obviously my being here is upsetting you. Let me take the yams out of the oven and I'll go" said Juanita. She then got up and went into the kitchen.

Erin looked at Christopher and nagged "Christopher, she made dinner"

"Don't turn now. That's how she gets you" said Titus.

"She hasn't gotten me but she is funny. You never told me she was funny."

"She saves her best jokes for when she's reloading."

"Your right, I'm sorry. So what did the doctor say? Has she been released?"
"Apparently"

"So, she's all better."

"Allegedly"

"But that's good news isn't it."

Titus picked up Juanita's purse and started going through it saying "Yeah for her cell mate. I bet she's not taking her medication." He then found what he was looking for and said "Ah-ha, nail file, clean-ex, and lipstick."

Erin thinking Titus was being uber-paranoid sarcastically said "Good god, she's a woman."

Titus looked at her and said "There's no medication"

Juanita came out of the kitchen and said "Hun can you put these in my purse?" She tossed a bottle of pills and Erin caught it while Titus ducked as though it were a bomb.

Erin looked at Titus cowering on the floor saying "Thank you white knight." She looked at the bottle and read "MYOCET, take one every four hours. There you go. She's medicated"

"Oh she took you like that" said Christopher as he snapped his fingers.

"Christopher, she's not naked, she's not toting a gun, I think she's Ok."

"That's the bar she's gotta clear. Unarmed and Dressed"

"This is ridiculous"

They walked into the kitchen were Erin asked if Juanita would stay for dinner. Titus not liking the idea at all asked "can't we just wrap her up a plate."

"No, this is half my house and she's staying" said Erin

"Well then what was the point of drilling?"

Then Erin realized that Juanita had cooked a very big meal. She commented "Theirs enough here to feed twenty people."

"Yeah and there is only three of us" said Titus.

"I invited everyone. I hope that's ok" said Juanita.

"Oh, you mean your 'friends' mom" said Titus.

"No, I mean your father, your brother and Thomas."

Then they herd the door open.

"Hello is anyone home" said Tommy as he walked through the door.

Titus looked at Erin and said "Finally, a little back up."

He walked into the living room where Tommy was doing signals and scanning the house saying "Titus…Hi…boy it was warm out today wasn't it…..strange weather were having this time of year." Tommy then hugged Titus saying "Shh, I'm the decoy, Dave is sneaking around back. Is she packing heat?"

Titus looked at him funny and said "No Mugsey, I don't think so".

"I brought my cell phone incase she cuts the lines."

"Thank you for sticking to the drill"

Mrs. Titus and Erin waked in and Mrs. Titus said "Thomas."

Tommy instantly got behind Titus who pushed him away. He said "Hi"

"Goodness, you've grown into such a handsome young man".

"You look good too Mrs. Titus. How are you?"

"I'm fine Thomas"

"No I mean How are you."

Tommy majored in psychology for a year. Then mom used her connections at the nut farm sorry, Rehabilitation Center to get him a summer job.

(8 years ago)

"Mrs. Titus, are you sure I'm gunna get collage credit for this?" asked Tommy as he was being hooked up to a ECT machine.

"Yes Thomas" said Juanita as she shoved a cork plate in his mouth.

"What's this for" asked Tommy.

"To keep you from biting through your tongue" replied Juanita as she turned the machine on.

(Now)

"I'm on MYOCET. It's fabulous" said Juanita trying to calm Tommy.

"Oh that got past the monkey trials. How did they counter the kidney failure?' said Tommy.

"They took out the norazine. Someone hasn't kept up with his studies."

"That's what my mom says"

"That's because she loves you and who wouldn't. You matured into someone who can stand up for himself. Handsome, strong, charming."

"Oh stop it"

Titus still raiding Juanita's stuff said "Yeah mom stop trying to get Tommy on your side."

"Excuse me, ok I can stand up for myself and decide which side I'm gunna be on and don't talk to your mother like that" said Tommy.

"You weak basterd"

"Titus, MYOCET is strong stuff. I think your mom's back."

"She's not back. She's just at large"

Then Dave waked in from the kitchen and asked "Hey Tommy I forgot, do I call the cops when I get to 50 or 100."

"David"

Dave froze as soon as he herd Mrs. Titus. Titus looked at his brother and said "Dave, whether you move or not, she can see you."

Dave slowly turned around and said "Hey Mrs. Titus. You look a lot less puffy than when last time I saw you."

"Oh Dave, you could always turn a girls head."

Juanita looked over at Titus and said "If you're done going through my bag sweetheart, I'd like to freshen up before Ken arrives."

"OK mom but I'm keeping your clippers, your tweezers, your eyelash curlers, and your cotton swaps."

"NO problem dear" said Juanita as she took her purse back.

Tommy looked at Titus asking "Why cotton swabs"

He replied "Put it in your ear, slam it once. DEAD."

"Would you just drop this" said Erin.

"Don't you guys see what she is doing here? Come on, she has moved into the guest room and she has cooked dinner."

"OH my god, that makes her our best guest ever" said Erin.

"Dave, you know what she has done. Ok, catch her before she gets to her bedroom and find out why she's here" said Titus.

"Ok and how do I do that" said Dave

"You know that thing you do where people think your stoopid? Do that."

"I can't just turn it on". Dave then popped his fingers and went in the kitchen and came out a few seconds later eating a bowl of yams

Titus asked "What are you doing"

"Your mom makes killer yams."

"You didn't even talk to her"

"She gave me the yams"

"And you're eating them."
"No one who's crazy can make yams this good."

"Christopher please just for tonight can't we all just have a normal family meal" said Erin.

Then Ken Titus waked through the door saying "I herd loony tunes made dinner. I'm surprised, usually the turkey's saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it."

Thanksgiving mom took a gun to the turkey……A very special episode

"Where is she" asked Ken

"She's prowling around the guest room" replied Titus.

"She's not prowling" said Erin.

"She's freshening" said Tommy.

Ken then asked "did you lock her in there, take her shoe laces, pat her down for weapons?"

"I am so glad you're here" said Titus as he hugged his Dad.

My dad is a negative, judgmental, pain in the ass, who destroyed my self esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent paranoid schizophrenic. GOD I LOVE MY DAD

(10 years ago)

Christopher and Ken were holding the door back trying to keep out Juanita. Suddenly she stopped trying. Christopher stepped back and said "I think she's gone."

Ken said "Keep low and don't breathe." Suddenly they herd the back door slam shut. After that, the two of them took off out of the front door.

(Now)

"Erin, Tommy, and Dave think she's sane" said Titus.

"Oh yeah, wanna see my scars" said Ken.

"Dad, maybe you should wait outside"

"No no no. It's better to be the hunter than the hunted. Why give her the element of surprise."

"Hello Ken" said Juanita who came up from behind him.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH" screamed Ken. He looked at her and said "Dammit Juanita" Then noticing how tight the shirt she was wearing was suddenly said "Juanita, you look really good."

"Why thank you Kenneth and you are as hansom as ever"
Christopher noticed the flirtation and said "Dad, dad don't go into the light"

Ken and Juanita then passionately kissed and Titus had this look of udder dread on his face as he cried "Daddy".

"Oh, I forgot to open the wine. Kenneth, can you give me a hand" said Juanita as she led Ken to the kitchen.

"I'll give you a couple" said Ken as they left the room.

"Christopher, even your dad can see that she's fine. Maybe, she's fine" said Erin.

"You can't deny the magic between them" said Tommy.

"I love yams" said Dave

"Well I can accept you falling" said Titus to Erin.

"And you" he said to Tommy.

"And you, you jar headed yam eater" he said to Dave.

"But dad, dad's been there. He's felt the bone shattering ravel of her evils. She's flossed little chunks of dad out of her teeth. Well I'm not letting her do this to him again."

"Christopher, this is you fixing something that isn't broken. Remember Easter, dead baby chicks all over the front lawn" said Erin

"Remember rewriting the poem for Cathy. I still have to stay 500 feet away from her" said Tommy.

"Remember the washing machine" said Dave

"The washing machine was broken and I fixed it" said Titus.

"I'm sorry, what are the rules" said Dave not even knowing what the other two were getting at."

"That's it, I'm saving Dad" said Titus grabbing his bat.

He went into the kitchen and came back out in 3 seconds. He said "Too late."

"What happened" asked Erin

"They're kissing. My mother and father are kissing" said Titus with a look of disgust on his face.

Mom lives life on an emotional roller coaster. Dad loves roller coasters. And you gotta be at least 4ft tall to ride mom. She has always been beautiful and sexy, sweet and loving, talented and brilliant. But every time that roller coaster went up, it came down and it rattled a bit, then careened wildly into the next corner on two wheels, and finally derailed crushing dad and I beneath it.

Titus walked back into the kitchen then turned around to the counter and said "Dad what are you doing?"

Ken got up from the floor with his pants down and his hair messed up saying "Didn't I explain all this to you when you were five."

"Dad, she is doing it again. I am trying to protect you."

"Protect me from what. A beautiful heavily medicated woman who wants to bow to my every wish."

"Which part of you is speaking dad, you or your gonads?"

"Right now they have power of attorney. Son, I don't need your help.

"Fine, guess the only thing left to do now is recharge the fire extinguishers, wrap myself in Kevlar and go to bed."

After Titus left the kitchen, his mom went after him asking "Christopher what's wrong?"

"Mom, you can fool everyone else but not me" said Titus.

"You still don't believe that I'm better."

"Would you"
"Hun, ever since she got here, you have acted amazingly bad. Way beyond your usual bad. Juanita has been kind" said Erin

"She's been loving and supportive" said Tommy

"She made all the food" said Dave.

"Hey hey hey, everyone please. Christopher is absolutely right. There is no reason to trust me. I was never their when he was growing up. I was locked up somewhere getting some kind of treatment. And when I was there, I was just too batty to be a good mother. I have been the worst mother ever. Christopher, I need to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pills, and the doctors, and the breakouts, and the captures, and the birthdays and everything. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry I did so many crazy things. Ands its gunna take more than one night to get you back. I know its gunna take time but I so want us to be a real family again. I hope that we can."

Christopher looked at his mom and saw the tears of sincerity in her eyes.

What this woman could have taught me. What his woman could have shown me. I've been mad about it for a really long time. There's nothing I want more than for her to be sane. Recently, emotional rollercoaster technology has improved greatly. As long as mom takes her medication, maybe it's worth taking another ride.

Christopher took his mom's hand and said "Mom……glad your better."

"Very nice" said Erin

"That's very touching" said Tommy

"You're such a girl" said Dave as he nudged Tommy.

"Juanita" called Ken. He came in and said "Come on Juanita, we've got some catching up to do.

Juanita rolled her eyes and said "Ken, still the romantic."

She looked over at Titus and said "Well, now you kids sit down and eat dinner. I didn't slave all day for it to get cold. She then went into the guest room with Ken.

All right, I love my mom. Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be able to protect myself. Without her in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.

After eating, Titus said "God my mom can cook"

"What's that stuff in turkey that knocks you out" asked Dave slurring his words a little.

"Tryptophan" answered Tommy.

"Christopher, it will be great for both of us to have a real mom around" said Erin. Then for some strange reason, she started singing.

"What's that stuff in turkey that knocks you out" asked Dave again.

"TRYPTOPHAN" yelled Tommy

"You know Christopher it……" Erin couldn't even finish her sentence before she started singing again. She then fell asleep into the mashed potatoes."

"Nobody makes turkey dinner like my mom. Those little pilgrim cookies with the little chocolate suits, Homemade candies, candied yams, yam covvverddd hammm, cranberry jammmm in the shape of a cannnnnn."

Tommy and Dave had now fallen asleep thinking of food and Titus took another bite of mashed potatoes. He spit something out and said "spit a pillll into my hannnnd."

He read the pill and said "MYOCET. See with Tryptophan, you can still feeeeeel your legs."

Then Ken came running out in his underwear screaming "Christopher, Christopher, call the police, HELP"

Juanita walked behind him holding a wine bottle laughing. She smiled at him and said "They can't help you WUSSY. I put all of my MYOCET in the gravy and they won't wake up until after your funeral."

"Christopher, Erin, call 911." Screamed Ken as he ran towards the door

Christopher screamed "NINE"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"ONE" screamed Christopher.

"Dammit Juanita, why are you doing this" said Ken.

"You ruined my life you basterd" screamed Juanita as she broke the wine bottle. "You're the reason we never had a normal family. Not me, now it's time to pay."

Ken bolted out of the door. Juanita screamed "Run faster Kenneth. I've been sprinting every morning, I need the workout." Then she ran after him.

"ONE" Finished Christopher.

Christopher looked at Erin, picked her head up out of the potatoes and said "Honnney, weeee neeed to drillll morrrre." He then licked the gravy off her forehead.

My mom is a manic depressive schizophrenic. Drugging the Family, trying to kill dad, high speed police chase. Norman Rockwell is bleeding, never again mom.

(The phone rings)

Hello…..Yeah I know mom. Your always sorry……yeah you did look pretty on the news