Chapter 4.
His conviction that this was the right path had seemed so much clearer from the safety of Christian's bed. Now that he was here, standing outside the door to his home, he was overwhelmed by doubt. Doing this would destroy Amira and his family. Once it became known that he had left his wife to live with a man his family would be ostracised. They could lose everything, all so he could get what he wanted.
No, not what he wanted. What he could no longer live without. He had tried, he really had and it was killing him. If he didn't end this now it would only get worse, and not only for him. His resentment of the situation was becoming increasingly difficult to bury. He was so afraid that before long, it would be impossible, afraid even more of the damage he would cause to those he loved when his tortured soul erupted. No. He had to bring an end to this mockery of life.
This way, at least Amira could have a fresh start where no-one knew what had happened. She was a beautiful woman, surely she would meet someone who wouldn't care about her outcast first husband. She would get the life she deserved. She would be loved as he loved Christian. This was right. This was what he had to do.
His mother was on him before he had even closed the door, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the living room.
"Where have you been, Syed?"
"Amira didn't tell you?"
His mother dropped his arm, backing away, looking at him with disgust. "I didn't want to believe her, that you would run to him when you should have been comforting your wife. How could you do such a thing, Syed."
"I needed to talk to him, sort my head out."
"Talk."
"That's right; talk. Because Christian listens to me, Helps me. I needed that. Needed him."
"You think he is you're friend Syed, but he is using you. All he wants is…is…"
"Sex, Mum? That's what you think, isn't it? Well you're wrong. Believe me, if that was what he had wanted last night, I would have been more than willing. But guess what Mum, he said no."
"How can you talk to me like this. I am your mother."
"Yes, and I'm your son. Oh wait, I was forgetting, I'm only your son as long as it suits you, isn't that right, Mum?"
"Everything I have done has been for your own good. Promise me you will never speak to that sick, perverted man again and…"
"Stop it! I've told you, don't talk about him like that. Did you not hear anything I just said? he's done nothing wrong. All he's ever done is love me."
"Men like him don't love, Syed. They prey on innocent boys and entice them away from their families then ruin them."
"Mum, I'm twenty-five. Christian didn't tempt me away with sweets. What happened between us was my choice. I wanted him. I kissed him."
"Syed, no."
"Yes Mum. Christian didn't make me this way. I love him, but even if I'd never met him, I'd still be gay."
"No. I don't believe it. You were such a sweet, normal boy. You were never…that."
"Yes, I was. I've known I was gay since I was fifteen, but I was scared. I've been scared my whole life. Pretending, playing a part for you, for Dad, for everyone."
"Because you wanted to be normal. And you were succeeding until Christian corrupted you."
"Christian set me free. Meeting him was like finding the missing part of myself. But if you're thinking he was the first, he wasn't. he was just the only one who mattered."
"No, what are you saying, that can't be true."
"It is, Mum. See, I didn't succeed that well at crushing my feelings. I could keep a lid on it for a while, but then it would spill out, and I'd go hunting for someone to make it all go away until the next time."
"But now you have Amira, and she's beautiful, I know you think so, because you have said it so many times."
"Yes, she is beautiful, of course I can see that, I'm not blind. But Mum, she could be the most beautiful woman in the world, and I still wouldn't be attracted to her. She's wrong Mum. Everything about her is just wrong. She's too soft, her skin is too smooth, her hair's too long, the perfume she wears smothers me. I have to force myself to touch her, and afterwards I feel dirty, sick and just…wrong."
"I can't hear this."
"I know, but you have to. This is me, Mum. This is who I am. I'm gay. And no amount of denial will change that."
"Syed?"
Shocked. Syed spun around. Amira stood in the doorway, her eyes huge. "Syed?"
