Disclaimer: See chapter 1


A single knock preceded the opening of my office door, and a flash of white teeth immediately gave away the intruder. Apparently, there was no need for invitation if you were the five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. I had barely lifted my eyes off the essay I was grading when he barged inside and helped himself to a seat.

"Ah, Severus, old chap!" Lockhart said, beaming at me in a way that made me want to smash my jar of gnome spleens into his pretty blonde head. "I've come to have a word with you about getting a teensy bit of assistance this evening. You see, Dumbledore has just about begged me to begin a dueling club to help the students defend themself, and," he laughed infuriatingly, "busy as I am balancing professor with celebrity, I of course told him that I would be willing to fit it into my schedule."

"Begged you, did he?" I said dryly, trying to find any circumstance under which Dumbledore would request Lockhart's help over any other professor - or, for that matter, first year.

"Quite nearly, yes," he nodded, staring past me at his own reflection in my large silver scales. I took "quite nearly" to mean that Dumbledore was allowing Lockhart to flout himself in the spotlight for a little longer, at the pathetic-excuse-for-a-Professor's own request, no doubt. "I was hoping that you'd be willing to assist me in demonstrating some of the basics," he continued, smoothing his hair before prying his eyes away from his reflection to look at me. "You know, disarming, blocking and such. And fear not, my good man," he chuckled again, and I felt my lip lifting into a sneer, "I'll be sure to keep it all under control. This member of the Dark Force Defense League will restrain his talents to ensure you live to brew another potion."

"Last I remember, Gilderoy, it was honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League," I commented. "But that is beside the point. May I ask why it is you want me to assist you, when I'm sure all the other professors would be just thrilled to share the stage with you?" I doubted that even he could miss the sarcasm in my tone.

"Well," he said, shining another beam my way, though I thought I saw his feet shift uncomfortably, "I assumed that you'd be a sport."

"You do realize, of course," I said, careful to keep any indication as to whether or not I planned to help him from my voice, "that, while I am the potions master, I am equally skilled in my work with a wand. I've performed a number of charms, hexes, and curses that I'm sure your third-classed, Order of Merlin'd self would never have dreamed of attempting." For the first time since he'd entered my office, I smiled back at him. "If you were looking for someone...less competent, shall we say, with a wand than, for example, Minerva or Filius, I suggest you look elsewhere. Sybill Trelawney, perhaps?"

Lockhart's grin faltered just a touch, but he quickly wiped any hesitation off his face. "'Looking for someone less competent'? Never!" he said, clapping a hand to his chest as though I'd insulted him. "Why, I never shy away from a challenge, Severus! But if you must know," he lowered his voice as if about to divulge the secret of life and leaned in close enough for me to smell a poorly-brewed breath-freshening potion, "I was hesitant to ask any of the witches. You know the rather incapacitating effect I have on them, I'm sure, and I'd certainly hate to embarrass anyone. But come now, old Sev-o, you're man enough to stand up there with the star of a generation and keep your head above water. Am I right?" He laughed heartily and reached out to punch me playfully on the shoulder.

I didn't drop my sneer or make any indication that I'd felt the absurd gesture. "Quite," I said, raising my eyebrows and giving him a tight, menacing smile.

"Well, excellent," he said, standing up and clapping his hands together once. "You'll be a sport and help me, then?"

The images of Lockhart being thrown to the floor by my hexes, tossed into the air by a jinx, and slashed across the pompous big head with a curse appeared in my mind, and I smiled at him again. "It would be my utmost pleasure."

"Fantastic!" And he marched from the room, forgetting to shut the door behind him.

Before I could close the door, he swept back inside, one finger raised as if he'd just remembered something. "Of course," he said, ticking his finger in my direction and staring off into space, "we'd hate to scare any of the students. Best to keep it all on light-and-friendly terms this evening." He grinned at me and winked.

"Naturally," I said, shrugging one shoulder and staring him down across the table. His baby blues seemed to shrink in my coal-black gaze momentarily before he quickly scurried away.

I swung my office door closed with a wave of my wand, allowed myself a singal snort of amusement, then returned to grading essays. The thought of knocking the phony down a couple notches gave me such a boost that Weasley's essay got a passing grade.


A/N: It's been a while, but I love writing these little Snape oneshots, and since Deathly Hallows Part 2 came out, Harry Potter (and Snape, more specifically) is all I can think about. I had many ideas for this chapter, but Lockhart was just jumping out at me as such a funny character to stick in a conversation with Sanpe. Later on, I think I'll do a continuation that shows the actual dueling club.

I know it's been a long time, but please do drop some reviews to let me know what you thought! I really appreciate them :) Also, if you have ideas for something you'd like to see in this, let me know! I'm open to requests!

Thanks for reading!