"Catch the piggy. Catch the piggy. Catch the piggy. Catch the piggy…"

In the few days since he ultimately lost against Ralph in their dance competition, Jack was taking his frustrations out by attempting to hunt down the piggy that bit him in chapter two. Unfortunately, the piggy was actually smarter than him and avoiding all attempts on its life. As such, it only made Jack madder while he sang in tune to that old cartoon theme song of, Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines, 'Catch the Pigeon'.

Jack was crouching in some bushes, spying on the piglet. He recognised that smug, pink bastard anywhere. He growled to himself and waited where he was for one second.

Then he ran out, spear raised and stabbing it down.

The little piglet just sidestepped the pig, leaving Jack to hit his head on the ground. While Jack groaned in pain on the ground, the piglet walked around him and raised its leg when he stood near Jack's waist.

"OH GOD! NOT AGAINST ME!"

You know what the piglet did.

"Why do you smell like pig shit and piss?" Roger asked later, looking at Jack's chest as said boy stayed in the water of the sea and scrubbed himself. Brazenly staring at everything not covered by water and the little clothing on him. Roger licked his lips.

The things he wanted to do to Jack…

"Don't want to talk about it," Jack muttered bitterly. "I'll get my revenge on that piglet bastard."

"What about Ralph?"

"Him too. But that pig will always be my top enemy." Jack looked at Roger (trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of being stared at by the psycho) and noticed a big, round fruit in his hand that looked damaged somehow. "What's with the fruit?"

"Oh, just using it to compare to other fruits so I can find a replacement."

"Re-replacement? For what?"

Roger gave Jack a creepy grin. What kind of grin you ask? Type into Google images, 'Arte Pollo grin', and the very first image should be a greyscale pic of a pair of twins that look like Rin and Len Kagamine. You should get the idea then.

But back to the main point, Roger's grin was enough to make Jack regret his question.

"Come with me to my magic cave."

Why Roger called it a magic cave, no one knew. It was just a damp camp that was too uncomfortable for anyone else to sleep in, but Roger declared it his place. No one decided to ask why after his kicked a person in the crotch three times (tip toes first) for asking him why. Against his better judgement, Jack followed the creep to his cave, and what he saw inside was a bit confusing.

Inside, there were sticks tied together in a way that it would look like one of those bench things you put a horse saddle on, with a another stick tied on one end. The stick had some fruit stains on it, while the back of this thing had a very big fruit on it with a hole in it, and some… white… sticky… stuff…

Oh God no.

"I wanted to practice for when I would be your queen," Roger said cheerfully. "Obviously while you would be chief, I would top you every night. That fruit there is meant to be your ass, and the one in my hand is meant to be your mouth. But as I'm sure as you can tell by now, I thrusted too hard into it so I have to find another fruit to replace it so I can practice for thrusting in your mouth, imagining you give me blow job. I'm still trying to find enough red seaweed to put on it so it can be your hair."

Jack felt some vomit in his mouth.

"I wanted to make a full body. You know, skin the pigs, and use that and the fat to wrap around the sticks to make it more life-like. But I don't want to give my virginity to anyone else but you. And no pig or any animal here, no matter how close to in your attractiveness they may be, can be worthy of any sex from me! At least until either I've lost my virginity to you, or you die. I'd happily fuck the piglet that's been tormenting you before you kill it."

"Oh God…"

"Yes, my love is truly pure for you," Roger nodded in what he felt was agreement, smiling on proudly. "So, how are we going to take care of Ralph, Jack?"

"We'll… think of something," Jack mumbled, feeling lightheaded and sick still from Roger's 'affection'. Honestly, it was times like these he actually wished they had gotten on that ship instead of hunting pig. He'd be home, and safe. Away from Roger. Perhaps even able to fill a restraining order.

Meanwhile, Simon was wandering around. Not really doing anything that would make him unlikable as a character. And… Uh… Okay, there's nothing funny here, so we'll move the fuck on.

"So, what happened again?" Ralph asked the twins who had ran over to him while Piggy acted as his chair (unwillingly of course). On his face, seaweed was stuck to his face so it looked like he had a long, green Dumbledore-esque beard.

"It was a monster!"

"The Beast! High in a tree up near the mountain!"

"Are you sure?" Piggy asked. "I mean, the branches are pretty thick so it can look dark and-."

"Sucks to your ass-mar," Ralph interrupted, not bothering to look down as he looked and Samneric. "Continue."

"We know what we saw!"

"It was swinging in the air!"

"It had a massive white cape! And black!"

"Why would a monster have a cape? And a white one at-."

"Sucks to your ass-mar," once again, interrupted Ralph. "But, yeah. Are you guys sure you saw the Beast?"

The previous night…

There were planes fighting over the island. Not the standard 'enemy vs. enemy' plane fights. It was amongst people on the same side of the war that was stated to be happening some time ago.

"Give them to me!" Pilot number one yelled through the radio to Pilot number four. "Give me the recipe for the Vanilla Coke!"

"Never! I stole them! And I'm going to sell it for thousands!" Pilot number four proceeded to cackle.

"You asked for this, you vanilla-tasting, stealing ho," Pilot number three muttered, before starting to fire missiles at everyone.

"What the hell, man!"

"We're on your side!"

"With Vanilla Coke, there are no sides!"

"Vanilla coke? I thought this was Cherry Coke?" Pilot number two asked before he was fired at by Pilot number one.

"How dare you bring that drink up! It's either vanilla or lemon hinted, or none at all!"

"But-."

"FUCK THIS FLASHBACK IT SERVES NO REAL PURPOSE AND OUR FIGHTING IS POINTLESS AND WE'LL PROBABLY BE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IN JUST A FEW SENTENCES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

What happened next was a blur, but there was a big explosion. Pilot number four however had managed to eject himself out of his plane, but he was caught in the explosion and charred black (parachute miraculously surviving), before gently falling down and getting tangled up in a tree.

It wouldn't be until a few hours later that the twins would be walking by, looking for things to shove up Piggy's ass as ordered by Ralph. Apparently it would benefit them all, somehow. The twins had just been discussing how they would shove a fist sized stone up his ass without lube when they saw the body.

Naturally they reacted by screaming, dropping everything and running back to find Ralph.

"So, you say that the Beast was hovering in the trees?" Ralph asked, sounding surprised as he stroked his seaweed beard. He didn't think this Beast would be real. He must have had some sort of magic power that made anything he said real!

… No, that can't be it. Piggy would have been replaced by Nami or Boa Hancock if that was the case.

"Are you sure you just weren't seeing things? I mean, you didn't exactly stay long enough to-.

"Sucks to your ass-mar," Ralph interrupted Piggy. "Now, we just need to-."

"Hey guys, what's up!" Jack made his appearance. By the looks of his sweating and panting, he had ran up to them. Roger was just behind, smiling like the creep he was.

"Well, they said they found the Beast so-."

"I'll hunt it down!" Jack was loud enough to gain the attention of most people with them on the beach. He was desperate for an excuse to escape Roger. "I'll hunt it down, and kill it!"

"And we'll go with you," Ralph said sagely, smiling at him. Jack was about to decline but then he looked at Roger who looked excited. Really, really… excited.

Go with a group of people, or alone with Roger possibly following?

With the obvious choice made, the main characters and the yet to be designated number of boys (it was hard to tell how many there were since some just seemed to vanish and reappear depending on what was happening), and after going in a completely different way than the twins had gone, they found themselves at a mountain of stones.

"Man, look at those rocks!" Ralph let out a low whistle. "What do you think could happen here?"

"Character death?" Piggy suggested innocently.

"Sucks to your ass-mar."

Jack meanwhile climbed the stones and looked around. Using his super-duper hunter eye (with 5+ stamina and 10+ hp), he noticed something two and a half miles away.

Pig shit.

And not just any old pig shit.

Piglet shit.

As Jack was a choir boy now self-declared hunting expert, that meant he was an expert in this kind of thing. I.e, he could tell animal feces apart. And since the only piglet he knew was the one he had more or less made his nemesis since day one, that could only mean that exact piglet had been the one to do number two there! The piglet must have come here a lot! Jack would have the perfect place to catch the little bastard! He's stay here, the piglet would eventually appear.

And BAM!

Jack looked back to the others who were doing meaningless things that weren't worth mentioning now. Jack definitely planned to stay here, but he would need more of the other boys to come here. If not to help catch that damn piglet, then to at least keep him safe from Roger.

And could he be blamed?

No. This place would be his, that piglet would be his, and those other boys would be his meat shields against Roger.

He would make this happen. Or his name wasn't Jack Dell The-Fock Merridew!

No, seriously. That is his name. You can see it on birth certificate that was posted on Jack's So Sexy dot com. A website set up by none other than (and not surprisingly) Roger.

A website that also has pictures of Jack in everyday situations (like eating) and more 'private' moments (such as bathing in the water)! Voice clips of Jack snoring in his sleep, and the rare sleep talks! Sign up for weekly updates now and you could be entered into a competition to win locks of Jack's hair! The only requirement is that your name is Roger *Beep*! Join now!

"Alright, listen up ye sand eating, shell pooping bastards!" Jack yelled back at camp. Because he can do whatever he wants. Because, well… You already know he is. "Ralph's a douche and I found a castle! I'll get you food every night, so come with me if you want to be with the cool kids, and not with the douches."

"Alright. One, it's not a castle. It's a pile of stones," Ralph decided to correct, rolling his eyes. "And second. I'm not the douche. That's you. No one smart is going to come with you."

"And you didn't speak with the conch!" Piggy added helpfully.

"Sucks to your ass-mar."

"We burned down some of the island," Jack (rather intelligently) pointed out.

"It's not my fault Piggy came up with a stupid either to pile those sticks up so high!" Ralph snapped. Piggy had a strong look of disbelief at this, and also felt insulted.

"I told you not to do that! But you all just-."

"Sucks to your ass-mar!" Ralph snapped back at him.

"And that!" Jack pointed at Ralph. "That phrase is getting old-."

"IT WILL NEVER GET OLD! NOT AS LONG AS I'M THE ONLY ONE SAYING IT!"

"Whatever. Look," Jack looked to everyone who wasn't Ralph, Piggy and Roger. "Let's just admit this is the part of the book where we all split. Who do you feel safer with? The team with Roger on it who… mostly, follows my orders. Or the team Roger will have no hesitance in killing?"

Almost immediately, nearly everyone went to side with Jack.

"Stay, and when we get back home, or go to China or wherever we were meant to go in the first place, I'll give you a pound each!" Ralph shouted out.

Now everyone went to him.

"We'll have nightly parties!"

Everyone went towards Jack.

"I'll take you to get ice cream!"

Now to Ralph.

"You don't have to wear clothes!"

Back to Jack.

"We'll have a party too! With… With drugs! And hookers!" Ralph cried out in desperation to be seen as the good guy by keeping these poor, poor people on the side of civilisation.

"But my mummy said I'd end up like daddy if I went near a prostitute," one of the littluns spoke up innocently.

"Fuck your mother!"

"JACK'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!" Roger shouted out randomly. Everyone stared at him, not entirely sure how to respond. Needless to say, everyone that had gone to Jack's side had backed away back to Ralph. All except one unnamed person, too frightened to actually move his goddamn legs. Jack sighed. It wasn't much, but at least he had a meat shield of some sort.

"Alright, you're coming with us to my castle!" Jack grabbed the boy's arm. Almost immediately, he started struggling.

"No, wait I-!"

"You traitor!" Ralph shouted as he pointed at the struggling boy. "I offer you money, ice cream, drugs and hookers, and this is the thanks I get?!"

"I don't think he really wants to-."

"Well screw you too! Go away with him! See if I care! Judas!" Ralph continued, ignoring Piggy completely.

"You heard him, you're with us now!" Roger said cheerfully before giving the boy the stare of an anime yandere. Like, the orgy love child of a male Belarus (from Hetalia), Yuno Gasai and Rena Ryuugu.

"Try to get funny with my man, and you will regret the day you crawled and squirmed your way out of your mother's cum bucket!"


So sorry for the delay of… a year… roughly. I kinda got caught up with other fanfictions. And got writers block. But I think that's gone now, so hopefully the next update won't be too long :D Also, please review. I'm hoping this chapter makes up for the delay.

Also, if anyone is a fan of the game OFF, I've started a fanfic for it if you're interested.