Disclaimer: The only Heero I have is my cat and he spells it Hiro. GW is so not mine and so not filling my empty pockets. Not that this'll stop anything should Sunrise/Bandai decide it's worth pursuing me for my pocket lint...

Characters: Quatre, Wufei, Heero, Trowa
Content: brief strong language, childish behavior, silliness
Part Summary: Wherein an attempt by Quatre to maintain at least the semblance of a friendly atmosphere is stubbornly defied.
Word Count: 2704
Archive: ask please
Concrit: sure!
Notes: This is where the facepalming became headdesking. Written for LJ comm gw500 prompt 216 - illusion. Also, anon reviews on now because I only just noticed they were off. ::lol:: Oops.

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COFFEE & DOUGHNUTS
part iv: The Hottest Spot North of Havana
by McJ

It took all his strategic finesse to finagle, but Quatre eventually secured the final spot in the Jeep up into the mountains. Convincing Heero and Wufei that they would find his help investigating the abduction site a great boon had taken more than an hour, thanks to his serious lack of discretion the day before. Laughing at the two had somewhat damaged his credibility with them, he'd discovered.

Still, he had done better than Duo, whose attempt to get a ride along had been an abysmal failure. It had been expected, though, that he would try and who was Duo not to live up to an expectation of that sort? Heero and Wufei absolutely refused – no ifs, ands, or buts – when he asked, despite Duo's prominent place in the case as the primary victim. Or formerly primary victim, rather. Easily refuted and debunked, the handful of other abduction claims from that same night had gone by the wayside, leaving Duo as the only victim unexplained.

Up front with Trowa, who sat in the driver's seat, Quatre peeked back every now and then at Heero and Wufei, both ensconced in the back. Wufei had demanded this arrangement. Quatre firmly believed the it was to allow surveillance of himself and Trowa in case any funny business went down between them. The very picture of innocence, something perfected over years of practice, Quatre gave them a smile then turned to watch the deepening stands of long-needled pines go by outside his window. It looked chilly enough to warrant snuggling into a warm and fuzzy pullover. Luckily, he had one hiding amongst his gear. The thick, woolen, incredibly expensive Fair Isle, to be exact.

Usually, he hid it away for fear of Duo having it completely unraveled by the end of the day, seeking to understand how the intricate pattern was created. Several sweaters had gone the way of the dodo due to Duo's fascination. More than once, Quatre had suggested that he take up knitting. Duo protested each time, saying pulling them apart was infinitely more fun. His poor, departed sweaters. Shaking the thought aside, Quatre returned his focus to the scenery.

A few snow-capped peaks poked up from the dense forest, but most of the mountains were fairly low and rounded, offering the forest the appearance of a rumpled, dark green blanket. He glanced up at the sky, glad to see no sign of clouds from any direction. It was still fairly early in the day, though, and he preferred not to deal with inclement weather. The land was wild this far out and a storm would be miserable with nothing more than a tent and some trees for cover.

Silence reigned supreme in the Jeep, no one finding reason to speak since leaving headquarters after a final, early morning check-in regarding the investigation. Other than collecting orders for a run by the drive-through at a burger joint for lunch before leaving behind the last small bit of civilization, that was. As he sat staring out on the land and sky, the hum of the road passing under the vehicle soothed and eased Quatre into a gentle lull. He neared a full-on doze, propped by one cupped palm along his jaw and the cool window pressed against one temple, by the time another hour had come and gone.

"When we get to the scene, Yuy and I will secure the area," Wufei said at that point, catching him at the moment of moving from drowsing to actual sleep. The abrupt break almost caused Quatre to jump out of his seat. "Barton, you will take Winner and set up our base of ops."

Quatre glanced wide-eyed and blinking into the back, catching Heero readying a whispered protest. He met Quatre's eye, though, and kept his mouth closed. A secret discussion could hardly be held under scrutiny, after all.

"Something wrong, Heero?" Quatre piped up, trying to keep the cheerful edge out of his voice, going for concern, instead. He knew he failed miserably when Heero glowered at him and gave up the attempt for one of his helpful smiles. "Do you not like the division of labor? I'd be more than happy to trade partners with you-"

"No!" Wufei spat, cutting him short with a knife-chop of his hand. "It will stay the way I have said until such time as I say otherwise. Are we clear?"

Turning back to the front, Quatre rested his hand across his mouth, hiding the twitchy quirking that threatened to become a smirk. The empathic vibes rolling off the two sitting behind him almost hurt, they were so paranoid. "You know what?" he said once he'd regained control of his lips. "We should have a sing-a-long! You know, to pass the time since it's such a long drive up there."

Almost as one, all three of his companions quickly responded with a resounding, "No."

Quatre sighed and settled into his seat again, arms crossed loosely over his chest. He stuck his feet out under the dash and thumped the toes of his hiking boots together. "Duo would have sung with me."

"Duo's the reason we're out here in the first place," Wufei muttered. "I'd rather not be reminded of him until I have to be."

Heero grunted assent.

Quatre peered out the corner of his eye and caught the rare sight of impatient fingers drumming across Heero's denim-covered knee. It was like catching a wild hippo making out with monkey. Quatre groaned and plopped his head down in his hands – if he could not think of a better simile than that, far too much of his time was being spent with Duo.

"My thoughts on this whole matter, precisely," Wufei said with a snort, thumping the back of Quatre's seat with a booted foot. Whether on purpose or just a result of Wufei mindlessly shifting position was a question left unanswered.

"At least you're getting a weekend away out of it?" Quatre suggested, ignoring a second thump to the back of his seat.

"If I had wanted a weekend away, I would have taken one," Wufei grumbled. "That would have left the rest of you to deal with this nonsense, but I'm too kind-hearted, apparently. Why we're wasting valuable time like this, I have no idea, but I will be lodging formal complaint in the very near future." Another grunt from Heero signaled his intent to do the same. At least, that's how Quatre deciphered it. For all he knew, Heero could have been asking for someone to teach him how to dance the hula.

"Well, I happen to think this is a very important case," Quatre replied. He narrowed his eyes when a third, harder thump hit his seat, but did not otherwise acknowledge it. "What if we prove the existence of intelligent life beyond the boundaries of our solar system? I mean, is there any bigger discovery that could be made in the modern world?"

At this, the solitary thumps became a rapid series centered right around his kidneys, shattering the aura of friendly discussion Quatre had been attempting to hold over the animosity wafting off Wufei. If he could not get them to play his way, Quatre certainly had no problem playing their way.

He threw off the shoulder strap of his safety belt and twisted around to glare at a viciously satisfied Wufei. His legs were crossed at the knee and he was shifted so one heavily booted foot dangled perfectly in line for kicking the back of Qiatre's seat. He wobbled the offending boot toward the seat again, taunting. Challenge lingered in his dark eyes and the habitually crossed arms.

"Would you knock it the hell off?" Quatre demanded with a scowl, waving a fist toward Wufei's face. "I could plant this on your nose, no problem, you know!"

Before Wufei could do more than snort, Trowa reached over and touched Quatre's arm. "Please sit back down, Quatre. It's not worth it. Skeptics are naturally very narrow-minded people and vindictive toward believers."

Quatre exchanged one more long, hard glower with Wufei, then did as requested. One last kick caused him to growl, but he tightened the reins on his temper.

"Hard to believe he was once a pacifist, don't you think, Yuy?" Wufei chuckled, again taunting.

Whatever Heero might have grunted was lost as Quatre lashed out a hand toward the radio console, the push of a button filling the Jeep with the pounding beat of furious rock music. Duo would approve. Quatre didn't change it. He went so far as to smack Trowa's hand away when he tried.

Fortunately, the rest of the ride was comparatively tame and lacking in childish behavior.

By the time Trowa took them up a mountain, the radio had been switched for some twangy country station. It was the only signal strong enough to make it that deep into the wild. Quatre remembered that Duo had once claimed that the only stations that could ever be picked up out in the mountains were country and talk. Considering what he'd found sweeping across both bands, Quatre conceded that he probably had it right this time.

He sighed and took in the mountain around him. Had he been asked, Quatre could not have separated it from the others around them – unobtrusive and decidedly not special, it hardly looked like a home to extraordinary amounts of UFO activity. Which, of course, would be exactly why aliens would choose it, he figured. And, much to his chagrin, he realized his legs were cramping and shifted uselessly. The Jeep was an awfully confined space, especially for such a long drive.

Before Quatre could think more deeply on his discomfort, Trowa turned into a neatly marked, if small, parking lot maintained for visitors to the mountain forest, be they day-trippers or full-on campers. Quatre scurried out of the Jeep, bending and stretching immediately upon touching his feet to the paving. "Next time, let's stop to work out the kinks somewhere in the middle of the drive, okay?" he said to Trowa, leaning down to peer back into the vehicle. "I'm not exactly made of slinkies, anymore, I'm sadly discovering."

Trowa nodded, arching his back and sending an audible series of pops up his spine. "I think I'm feeling it, too."

Neither Wufei nor Heero deigned to add to the conversation. Quatre took it to mean that they were not similarly imposed. He eyed them in annoyance.

They had a bit of a hike up the mountain left – the switchback road up to the lot only took them to the halfway point. Quatre slung the straps of his pack over his shoulders and waited at the beginning of the needle-littered trail with the similarly lightly packed Trowa for their two companions to join them. Neither he nor Trowa made any offer to help them carry the bundles of equipment deemed necessary for the trip. He didn't know about Trowa, but he looked forward to watching them huff and puff their way up the mountain. Much to Quatre's irritation, in the end their superior strength training and cardio workouts prevailed, leaving neither the worse for wear. Quatre eyed them in further annoyance.

Upon reaching a moderately sized mountaintop clearing, Trowa set down his pack and announced, "This is it."

"Where did you see the craft come from, Trowa?" Heero asked, his pack and three canvas-wrapped bundles of extra equipment going down near the center of the clearing with Trowa's pack. For all that he refused to consider even the possibility that alien beings might exist, Heero seemed to be treating the investigation as any other. Well, at least for the moment, Quatre amended.

The same, however, could not be said of Wufei. His gear landed in a heap near Heero's neatly ordered stack. He turned to survey the scene with disgust before the last settled.

"Over there," Trowa said, waving a hand toward the open sky. "The craft came out of the east over the horizon with a streak of green neon light, taking no more than a couple of seconds to make the journey. It came to an abrupt halt over the south edge of the clearing, where it stayed stationary for at least a minute, perhaps a mile off."

Quatre silently applauded Trowa's mad skills at keeping a straight face. Heavens knew he could barely do it himself!

"And neither of you did anything?" Wufei asked then, the sneer so clear in his voice that Quatre had no need to look to see if it was actually there.

"We were in the middle of an encounter of the third kind, Wufei," Trowa responded with a calm only he could attain. "Direct contact with an alien vessel can be quite traumatizing, even for former Gundam pilots."

"What you're telling us is that you and Maxwell both sighted the supposed craft and were stunned into immobility?"

Rather than answer Wufei, Trowa chose instead to continue his story, much to Quatre's amusement. He snickered into his fist while Wufei fumed and glared hard at Trowa's back. "It began a slow movement in our direction, becoming larger as it did so. The shape was a distinctive cigar, with a row of lights circling midway around the bottom." He waved his hand, scribing a circle-ish shape somewhere above them. "It stopped just past the tree line, no more than twenty meters above the treetops, where it hovered for several seconds. I remember Duo and I exchanged a few words, mostly in regards to...how did he put it? Oh yes, I remember – getting the fuck out of here before the LGMs beamed us aboard the SLB."

Quatre made a quick fix to stop his laughter by twisting open a canteen and tossing back some cool water instead.

"Could you please define what LGM stands for?" Heero asked, looking puzzled.

"Little green men," Trowa explained.

"I see. And SLB?"

"Space love boat."

Quatre, in the midst of taking another deep drink from his canteen, choked. He barely had the mind to think Trowa needed a lesson about giving warnings. A hard pounding on his back, strangely reminiscent of the earlier seat kicking from Wufei, helped him to work the water from his windpipe and lungs. He peeked over his shoulder to find Heero. "Thanks," he gurgled, hunched over himself a bit and lightly thumping a fist against his chest. "That almost killed me."

"You would have lived."

Quatre shuddered at the deadpan delivery – it had always made his skin crawl – but quickly put on a charming smile. The day was wasting and he and Trowa had much to do before night fell. He stopped any further discussion of the encounter by saying, "Well, we should all get started like Wufei wanted, right? The rest of the story can be told after we're done."

Breaking off in the middle of a sentence – having continued speaking right through Quatre's brush with a slightly watery death – Trowa nodded and left Wufei hanging. Quatre could see the preempted rant stuck in his throat like a fish bone turned sideways. It was beautiful.

"You get started on the tent, Trowa. I'll find firewood – we're going to need some nice, hot coffee tonight, don't you think?"

"Oh, yes," Trowa agreed, reaching for the pack containing the four-man tent they had brought along, not that it would be used. "Coffee. Did you remember doughnuts?"

"Of course! What's coffee without doughnuts?"

FIN (of part iv)