Hi all! Just another update, full of more strange happenings and ideas. Apologies for lateness. ;b


"Hey, Fang?" Vanille chirruped, walking with the rest of the gang behind Lightning. Snow was tagging along at the rear, heavily battered. If they were in for a real fight, no doubt, he'd be useless. She smiled, looking to her companion.

"Yeah Vanille?" Fang answered, slowing down a bit to talk with her.

She tilted her head to the ceiling, not entirely sure on the words to use. "I've been thinking," she said, deciding that that simple sentence was explanatory enough.

"About?" the older Pulsian asked, genuinely curious.

"When we get to Oerba. I just know it has to be the answer to all our problems!" she said, optimistically.

Fang laughed, "Yeah. I mean, I'd be pretty damn flustered if I thought that all we were gonna find up there was dust and monsters, wouldn't you?"

"Of course!" the red-head squeaked, skipping around, "I mean, that would be terrible!" She slowed down, realizing she was getting too far ahead. "That stuff only happens in video games though, right?"

"As far as I know, cupcake. Now lets hurry up and find out, yeah?" Fang called cheerily. Perhaps the creeping feeling in her stomach didn't mean anything at all. It was beginning to feel like a good day.

Vanille piped up, "Yep, I bet it hasn't changed a bit!"


Lightning roared, hacking away at the purple and blue monstrosity of a robot that was their target of the hour. It seemed the group had bitten off more than they could chew, and enemies swarmed them. They were surrounded. So much for an easy killing spree.

"What do they feed these things?" Vanille yelped, barely dodging a massive mechanical arm.

"Pheonix feathers, I'm betting," Fang replied, smacking one of the purple demon-spawn in the head, or at least what she thought to be its head. It was a robot, so technically, it didn't have to be anatomically correct. Still, with the horrible costume design of most of the humanoid characters, she'd have to say, the head would have to be a pretty accurate guess.

"Machines don't eat, you moron," Lightning grunted, still beating the enemy mooks to pieces. Sazh, Snow, and Hope watched from a distance, eating popcorn.

"This is some good TV," the oldest commented, shoveling more food into his mouth. Snow and Hope agreed, doing the same. It went on like this for a few minutes, with very little progress on their part. Like the enemies, the popcorn just kept on coming. As to where it came from, no one may ever know - must've been more strange l'Cie magic. Hope's eyes flicked from the shady bits of food and back to the battle, which was steadily being lost.

"Uh, guys?" Vanille whimpered, "We could use some help over here!"

"Yeah, what's keeping ya?" Fang asked, batting away another robot before it got too close. It hit the ground in a pile of crumpled metal, and another took its place.

Hope yawned, "I just kinda get the feeling we're not needed here. I'm pretty sure you guys got it covered."

"Yeah, just summon your eidolons and get it over with already. We could use some pretty colors around here," Sazh said, still chewing, "You'll be fine! Here, take the instructions if you're so worried."

"Sazh, no!" Fang cried, but alas, it was too late.

He tossed the stone block at Fang, who looked up just in time to catch it . . with her face, leaving everyone's hope riding on none other than Lightning.


"Old man, you're gonna pay for that," Fang growled, panting. She cradled her bloody nose as she drunkenly stamped over to his twitching form. "Light! Come fix my face! I want to savor this moment," she ordered, cackling maniacally.

Lightning had defeated the seemingly unending robot army, even without Fang and Vanille's help – Vanille's, of course, because she had dropped out of the battle to go kick Sazh's ass for being a moron, and Fang's because she was hopelessly knocked out.

"Fix it yourself," Lightning replied, "I'm not getting involved in one of your schemes."

Fang just laughed.

Oh how wrong you are, Farron, how wrong you are, the woman chuckled to herself, looking around for potential targets. Ah, here we go – standard butt monkey material, ripe for the picking. He looks like he's about to say something. Let's see if we can't use that to our advantage... Oh damn, that dumb blonde is looking at me again. What could he possibly want?

"I'll do it!" Snow offered, trying to be of use.

Oh great, Fang sighed, this spells disaster. She turned to him, frowning.

"Oh no you won't. I remember correctly, this is all your fault," Fang said, "I do recall hearing you say this would be 'no biggie,' after all." She looked at Lightning for any hints of a response. The sight made her smile.

Sweet success. She'll grill him like a behemoth's tail at a Saturday night barbecue festival, and when that's over and done . . Well, lets just say Sazh won't be too far from being next on her list. Brilliant! If this works, Sazh'll get what's coming to him and I won't even have to lift a finger! Mwahahaha!

Snow cowered in the corner, watching Lightning with wide eyes. "Don't look at me, she's the one who couldn't read it!" He pointed at Fang.

"Pfft. Look who's talking, wise guy," she shot back, grinning mischievously.

Lightning sighed, "Well, if half of you weren't illiterate, we wouldn't have this problem, Fang." She planted a hand on her hip, glaring, "and if this moron," she glared at Sazh, "hadn't decided to play frisbee with a five ton ancient tome, I wouldn't feel like killing you all, so I'd say we're about even."

Fang rolled her eyes, "Yeah, yeah. Now that's all great and wonderful, but would you mind putting my face back in working order? It's my bread and butter, you know." She made a face, trying to look innocent – well, as innocent as she could manage in her condition. Vanille agreed, exhausted. Why Lightning obliged, she had no idea.

"On the ground. Now."

Meanwhile, the boys cowered in the corner, wholeheartedly expecting everything to go horribly wrong. After all, this was Light, not some benevolent little priestess who went around bowing heads and kissing babies. She was bound to do something. Hope sat up, watching the affair, Lightning and Vanille fussing over Fang like a freshly torn photograph. It was high time he did his part!

He walked over to the trio, being careful not to get in the way. Cure magic was pretty fickle, he reasoned. One minute it was healing the wounded, and the next it was crawling up someone else's pants leg. Though, most of the latter was on Vanille's part. It seemed to happen to Lightning and Fang a lot, actually. That, or she'd just up and heal the wrong person.

"Hey, it's not my fault! Sometimes I just get distracted!"

"What could possibly distract you from the fact that I'm dieing over here? Am I missing something?"

He shook off the memory, side-stepping to give her more room. "Uh, guys?" He said tentatively, very much not wanting to disturb them. Fang was still pretty messed up, from the looks of it. A row of teeth snapped back into place with a crack, forcing him to turn his head.

"Huh?" Vanille answered, waving her hands around to mold the flesh back into place. Lightning was focusing on her eyebrows, ensuring that none of the magic was wasted. Neither looked away.

"I um, have something to show you guys. I mean, if you want." He cringed at the last part, cursing his boyish inferiority complex.

"Can't it wait kid? I kinda got some problems of my own here," Fang said, before getting her hand smacked by Vanille.

"Fang!"

"Be still," Lightning hissed, redoubling her efforts.

Hope winced, backing away.

Well, that backfired... What now? He touched a hand to the GPS in his pocket, still watching. Stupid Fang, getting in the way of my plans.. It's not my fault her face is all screwed up. Why can't they just ignore Sazh? Defeated once more, he sat back down again with the others.

"Hey Snow?"

"Yeah?" The blonde answered, sporting a black eye and a busted lip. One that no one had bothered to heal, Hope noticed. If Snow hadn't been asking for it in the first place, it would've been a cringe worthy moment, but seeing as he was, he didn't care so much. It was just another example of what could possibly go wrong when you got on Light's bad side.

"When do you think Light'll be finished with Fang's face?" He asked, considering rewording the question; Snow wasn't exactly looking his best in that area either. He didn't want to seem like a jerk. With his luck, the big guy would probably get up and sit on him or something. That wouldn't be pleasant.

To Hope's relief, Snow didn't take it the wrong way. "Light? Whatever happened to Vanille, eh? You made your mind up which one you're gonna chase now?" He laughed.

"Uh, n-no! That's not it at all! I was just wondering," the boy lied frantically, tipping over with the action.

Snow can't know that I like Light! He'll tell someone!

"I see," Snow said, smiling, "Not to worry little man, I'm sure they'll be done in a few minutes."

Hope sighed. It was going to be a long day.

"Feelin' okay little buddy?"

Hope snapped up from his fetal position on the ground. Snow had lied. LIED. An hour had gone by with almost no progress on Fang's face. Apparently, Lightning and Vanille were still arguing on how much mana to put into healing her nose. Light wanted to get it over with, and Vanille wanted it to be a slow go operation, much to everyone's demise.

"Light! Watch it! This isn't a charbroiled steak we're grilling here!" Fang yelped in the background, thrashing around as her nose was forcefully repaired. Vanille smacked the pinkette's hand away, taking over.

"That may be true, but it's also not an overnight smoke session either, and I'd prefer if we weren't stuck here for another day and a half trying to make it one, Vanille," the soldier retorted.

"Uh, Hope?" Snow said, nudging the boy in the shoulder.

"Huh?" he answered, still not really paying attention. Snow noticed.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" he asked, worried.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"Good, cause we'll be back pounding monsters again in no time, right?" He held his fist in the air, relieved.

Hope blanched, "Uh, right. Sure we will."

Sazh laughed, playing with the chocobo, "Yeah, you can delude yourself into believing whatever you want, kids. I'm stickin' with the truth, and the truth is . . Well, for one, we're inevitably going to get ourselves killed before we manage to figure out our focus in the first place, and two, if we do find our focus, at this rate, we're going to die before we complete it anyway. Pretty great, huh?"

Snow looked at him like he was crazy. "Don't say things like that! Do you have any idea how powerful words are?"

"Powerful?" the man questioned, "and I suppose you're saying that we could've just talked our way out of all these crazy fal'Cie battles and whatnot?"

"I guess not, but it would be awesome if we could. Maybe I could even persuade Light to be my sister!" He said, loudly enough for Lightning to hear. Fang yelped . . loudly. He continued, "but I guess that'll never happen."

Hope shrugged, "Anything's possible with a little determination. Some things you just do," he said, "I mean, it would've been pretty convenient, wouldn't it? Since fal'Cie can't die and all . . I think."

"So wait, it is possible?"

Sazh nodded, "Yeah, we all heard what Barthandelus said about them being immortal and all. It'd be kind of lame if we found out that we pretty much battled them for nothing, huh? Or if they weren't invincible and we killed them just like that and ended up doing exactly what they wanted all along despite the fact that we were trying to make our own destiny?" He sighed. Rambling much?

"That would suck... Isn't improbability great?"


The party trudged along the dusty circular pathways of the tower in awkward silence. After much fussing and childish arguments, Fang's face had finally been pieced back together, and of course, those damned statues had succeeded in fending off Dahaka's premenstrual violence, leaving Lightning the same mildly schizophrenic death-machine she had always been. So, in essence, everything was as it should have been . . At least, it appeared to be.

"Whatcha got there, Hope?" Vanille asked, trotting along beside him merrily. She was staring at his pants for some odd reason. The realization clicked in his head. He must've had a boner or something. Vanille probably had no clue about those, being as innocent as she was. He choked on that thought, blushing.

"Uh, nothing! It's just my pants – yeah!" he yelped, covering his area subconsciously. The waddling effect that induced didn't seem to help the predicament any.

"No, no no! That square thing over on the left side!" the girl insisted, pointing.

Square? He thought, glancing around as he frantically tried to cover the left-most area of his crotch, Fang's gonna kill me!

"What? Left? I don't know what you're talking about, Vanille. I don't have anything, really!" He said, not noticing until it was too late. As they walked into a doorway, Vanille's arm went full length down his pocket. "G-gah! Vanille!"

"Really?" she asked, pulling out a plastic object, "Then what's this?"

Hope panicked, leaping up and reaching for it. With her two inch heels, the girl was just tall enough to keep it from him. He squealed, jumping after the device as they ran around the room. "Vanille! No, that's my diary!" he lied.

I can't let her know what this is! She'll give it to Light! I want to do that! He thought, chasing her.

"Ooh, lets read it, shall we? It kind of looks familiar!" Vanille piped, running in circles.

"No, wait! Nobody can see-"

"We're here!" Snow announced, interrupting him in mid sentence. The two stopped running around for a moment, Hope still reaching for the thing incessantly and yelling.

"Come on now, give the kid back his toy," Sazh said, looking on, "Wouldn't want princess over here to take it back, would you?" He laughed, looking to Lightning, who was squinting at the object in question, as was Fang. Even Snow gave it a fair glance or two. "What? Am I missing something?"

"Nah, I just can't shake a feeling, that thing is familiar," Fang pointed out, walking over and taking the device out of Vanille's hand, examining it. "I guess it's just similar or something. I dunno." She turned back to their leader, waiting for a go ahead to enter the elevators. There were three, it seemed, each with enough space for two people, much smaller than the others.

"Wait a minute, give me that," Light ordered, snatching it out of her hand and stepping into the light, squinting. Suddenly, she squeaked, "Gakk! It's that same damned GPS!" She tossed it to the ground, aiming her gunblade in horror.

"Hello Claire, we meet again," it stated plainly, lighting up. A small heart icon appeared on screen.

"Don't call me that you stupid hunk of plastic!" Lightning screamed, pulling the trigger multiple times. When that failed, she resorted to violence. "Why won't you shoot, damnit?" she yelled, "Just because I'm not in a cutscene doesn't mean you can take the day off!" She smacked the barrel repeatedly, flailing.

"Um... I don't think that's going to work," Hope mumbled, quickly retrieving the object and backing away. "Uh, besides, I think . . it's probably pretty safe!" he blurted.

"Just get in the damned elevators already!" she screamed, storming off. Vanille followed giddily.

"You think it's that time of the month again?" Snow asked, keeping his distance.

Sazh nodded.


"So, wait, let me get this straight," Fang choked out, laughing, "Our kick-ass Lightning, soldier girl, is named Claire?"

"Well, yeah, according to this thing," Hope answered nervously as the elevator compartment rumbled away.

"You've got to be kiddin' me. Really, I mean, Claire?" she chortled, "That's just ridiculous.. I mean, I thought it was just mistaken at first, but Claire?" She slapped her thigh, taking the thing and laughing.

Hope scratched his chin, backing against the wall of the elevator, "Uh, I dunno. I mean, it could be wrong, right?"

Fang pulled him over, slapping him on the back, "Of course, but I still can't believe our little sunshine is named Claire! I mean, what's next? Snow and Serah end up being Bonnie and Clyde?" She guffawed, clicking away on the GPS screen, trying to find more dirt.

The boy laughed nervously, "Um, yeah, and the Palamecia," he chuckled, "all those colors – what was that, a flying pride parade? I mean seriously, what were they thinking?" he asked, oblivious to the fact that Fang had gone silent.

"And just what is wrong with flying pride parades, huh, little man?" Fang asked mischieviously.

"Uh, nothing, nothing!"


"Hey, hey, watch where you put those," Sazh snapped, shoving blindly in the dark elevator compartment, "Just because I offered to get in here blindly doesn't mean that I want to come out like it too!" It was pitch black in the damn thing, save for the miscellaneous numbers and random glowing lines sparkling about.

"I'm not doing anything!" Snow defended, holding his hands up and backing away.

The man puffed, "Pssh, like I believe anything coming out of your mouth.. I'm pretty sure Lightning wouldn't mind Brynhildr and I roasting your ass if she knew what you did to my hair."

Snow laughed, "Sazh, get real. Your eidolon gets a sex change every time you summon it, and after what you did to Fang's face, I'm sure Light wouldn't mind if you got iced, if you catch my drift." He smiled deviously, pounding his fist for effect.

"What?" Sazh blanched, "It does not!"

"Oh please," Snow said, "You can't tell me that that prissy little bye-bye wave it does isn't gay, Sazh."

He put his hands on his hips, "Oh, so now this is about gay people? I'm sure Fang'd be really happy to hear that, huh?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Wait . . what?" Snow asked, confusedly. He squinted, as if that'd help him see the truth in the darkness.

"Please, please don't tell me you haven't figured this out by now," he sighed heavily, "We've been through with this already, Snow, haven't we?"

The blonde furrowed his brow in confusion, "Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry."

Sazh grimaced, "Man, you really are as dumb as you look."

The cabin rumbled away, shaking violently. Some dust fell from the ceiling.

"Uh, Snow, did this thing sound like that five minutes ago?" Sazh asked, nervous.

Snow looked up, "Erm . . I don't think so."

He sighed, "You know what that means."

"Uh oh."


Lightning propped herself against the lightly rusted metal of the elevator. For such a small craft, it was quite comfortable, especially considering the close proximity to Vanille. She could imagine how the others were; Snow and Sazh would have to be almost nose to nose to fit in theirs – not a pleasant thought. She blanched, glancing back at the red-head in front of her. The other flashed a smile, fiddling with a small pouch. Lightning cocked an eyebrow.

"What's with you?" she asked, calmly.

Vanille jumped, nearly dropping her bag. "Erm, nothing!" she insisted, waving her hands about wildly. Perhaps she was hiding something? Pfft, wouldn't be the first one of us around here, hmm... Hope, Snow, Fang, hah.

"Right," she responded, sighing coolly, "and I suppose you expect me to believe you, knowing how you and Fang are?"

"B-but, Lightning! It's true!" the shorter girl defended, completely forgetting about the purse she was so carelessly swinging about as she fretted. Lightning couldn't help but liken her to a flustered moogle, in her state.

"About as true as you stealing Hope's diary, I assume," she brushed back a lock of pink hair from her face, watching the other girl fume, "I mean, not that I wouldn't expect him to have one, but I highly doubt he'd take it here of all places. What were you thinking?"

"W-what?" Vanille blinked. She knew about that too? How?

Lightning laughed, "There's not a single idiot in the world dumb enough to bring one of those around you two," she said, emphasizing the last two words in reference to Fang, no doubt.

"But Lightning!"

"What?"

"How did you know?" The girl asked, contorting her face in some sort of half frown. A jolt in the elevator compartment changed that, if only for a moment. The lights flickered off for a brief second.

"How did I know what? You and your insidious plots to drive me insane?" She raised yet another skeptical brow, much to Vanille's demise.

"Nooo!" the other squeaked, "That's not what I meant at all!"

"Then what?" The soldier asked, growing impatient as she tapped her foot. The monotonous chiming outside of the compartment wasn't helping much.

"Umm... I dunno," she said, finally, exasperating Light to no end.

She grunted, refraining from bashing her skull against the wall repeatedly. With her l'Cie powers, who knows what kind of damage that would cause.

The shorter of the two took notice, quickly adding, "Uh, but it was pretty cool how you read that . . um, thing you read!"

"What thing?" she asked grimly, glaring at her.

"Um, that tablet – thingy, yeah!" Vanille continued sheepishly, "How'd you do that?"

She frowned, "By being literate."

Apparently, Vanille had no grasp of the word, however, as Light soon gathered from her response. "Oh, um, that's cool I guess." She smiled, obviously clueless as to what she meant. "So, um, whatcha doin?"

"What do you think?"


"You are in violation of several traffic laws; please try again," a metallic voice droned.

Fang laughed, holding the thing ever higher as Hope groped for it. "You're gonna have to try harder than that, little man!" she yelled.

"N-no! What are you doing?" he cried out, reaching with all his might. Fang pushed him away easily as the elevator screeched about.

"Haha, trying to find that diary you were talking about. What else?" she continued to push buttons on the device, pushing Hope's head down with her free hand. He flailed against her pathetically. Suddenly, the elevator screeched to a halt.

"FAAAAAANG!" A voice called out through the silence.

"What?" she yelled back, Hope clapped his hands over his ears.

"IF WE MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"WHAAAT?" she yelled again, putting Hope in a headlock.

"I SAID," the voice paused, "IF WE MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Sorry Light! Can't hear ya! I don't think the acoustics around here support lies!" she shouted, flailing once again.

"ARGHHH!"

Fang laughed dismissively, wiping her brow as she leaned against the wall.

"What did you just do?" Hope squeaked.

"Shut up and get your face out of my boobs, boy. Maybe by then, I'll have it figured out."


Fin, at least until the next update.

Hope you enjoyed!