Good morning, good morning, good morning! As you can see, Update Fridays are no longer a thing. I'm going to try and update more often, as I now have over half the story written out and ready for you. I only have five or six chapters left, so you'll definitely be seeing more of me, now! Also, thank you for your understanding of my last author's note haha. I'm sorry I went on a rant. I just got very frustrated and wanted you all to know that won't be taking place here.
Thank you all for the feedback! Thank you for reading, thank you for reviewing, thank you for favoriting and following and what have you. I couldn't ask for better supporters, seriously. I don't how people think they can. ;) I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a happy Memorial Day (if you're in the states, that is). See you soon!
Four
The others are milling about in apprehension and a glimmer of hope, but Spencer isn't. Spencer knows better. She's learned through a life of ups and downs not to put her faith in people, least of all Alison DiLaurentis. It's after seven, now, and the alley is dark and dingy and cold, but there's still no sign of the mysterious fifth member of their party. When she's with the girls, Spencer is all for helping Alison come home and trying to trap the killer like Nancy Drew. But secretly, privately, Spencer doesn't want to help her. She feels awful for admitting it; after all, Alison had plenty of good qualities that spoke for their friendship. But this inseparable group of four had survived well enough without their fearless leader and truthfully, Spencer doesn't want to regress. She doesn't want things to go back to the way they were.
It's well after seven by the time Alison makes an appearance, but here she is, in the flesh. She doesn't look as shattered or as broken as she was the last time they'd seen her, but in her eyes there's still a look of a lost and scared little girl looking for a way out. Spencer's sure they all look like this and she doesn't know how any of them are holding it together. She supposes they all rely on one another to stay sane, but four unsteady supports do not make for a solid foundation. She can tell the others want to know the logistics- where she's really staying, how she's doing, etc. Spencer doesn't care about that right now. There would be time for niceties later. Right now, they need the facts. If they're going to finally unmask –A, they're going to need as much information as they can gather.
"I've got about twenty to thirty minutes," Alison says first. "I've been escorted by the police and sooner or later they're going to realize I'm not meeting my grandmother for coffee."
"They bought that?" Aria asks, skeptical.
"Yeah, it's clearly his first day on the force," Alison tells her. "I told him my grandma's old and weak and needed to know I was okay. I played the sympathy card and got a hit."
"Whatever," Emily expresses. "We're just glad you're here."
"You are staying at the motel, aren't you?" Hanna asks. "Was Spencer right?"
"Yeah," Alison confirms. "It offers little privacy; my dad's breathing down my neck every two seconds."
"But the police must make you feel safe, right?" Aria wonders. "I mean, no one can get to you while they're there."
"There hasn't been a sighting of CeCe in weeks," Alison says. "They're going to release us by Friday and they want us to make a public announcement that I'm still alive."
"You can't do that," Spencer blurts. "It'll lead –A to your doorstep."
"Why do you think I'm freaking out?" Alison shoots back. "If there's any way that we can speed this process up, now would be the best time to do it."
"The police still think CeCe's the one who's after you," Spencer says. "What do you think?"
Alison sighs. "I wouldn't put it past her. That bitch always hated me."
"But you two were friends," Aria points out. "She said so herself."
"Your mom," Hanna begins and pauses when Alison's eyes cloud over. "She said you two used to borrow personalities."
"Yeah, there was a honeymoon period- isn't there always?" Alison counters. "We met at that bar- the Hart and the Huntsman. I hit on this older guy and he totally shut me down. CeCe saw everything and completely stuck up for me. I mean, she went crazy bitch on this guy and she didn't even know me yet. After that, we were inseparable."
"Your mom didn't like her," Emily states and Alison snorts.
"My mom hated her," She corrects. "She said I had four perfectly wholesome friends; why did I feel the need to 'marry up'? She didn't understand that I needed to let loose every now and then. I went a little wild with CeCe and she didn't exactly approve of my behavior. I think it reminded her of Jason."
"She dated Jason, didn't she?"
"If you could call it that," Alison says. "They fooled around; I think she inspired him. I always thought it was horrifying. I mean, she was making out with my DNA. Our DNA, huh Spence?"
Spencer purses her lips. "So that party we went to; the frat party. You got her kicked out of school?"
"That girl that fell down the stairs? She's fine, by the way," Alison adds as an afterthought. "Turns out her father owned like half the school and threatened to sue if the person behind the accident didn't come to justice. I don't know what happened, but I did see Ian with CeCe and so I blamed it on her. Said I saw her push the girl on purpose. She didn't take that lightly."
"Okay, you got her kicked out of school," Hanna says. "How does that give her a reason to want you dead?"
"Wait," Spencer halts them. "Ian was with Melissa back then. You saw him with CeCe?"
"They were drunk off their asses and your sister was too busy writing a term paper," Alison deadpans. "You do the math. He may not have tried to kill me, but he's no saint."
"Trust me," Spencer says. "I learned that when he almost murdered me."
"I don't know if CeCe wants me dead," Alison shrugs. "But after what happened in Cape May, I know that she absolutely hates me."
"What happened?" Emily asks.
"You never found out?"
"We know you were there and CeCe," Aria says. "And Wilden and Melissa, too."
"And that's where you met Beach Hottie and Board Shorts," Hanna adds. "Wait, are they the same person?"
Alison nods. "I switched the nicknames a few times so you wouldn't get suspicious."
"A little late for that," Spencer says. "Who was it?"
"Just a fling," Alison states. "Everyone's got the fantasy of the sexy beach romp with a lifeguard, right? Mine just became reality."
"Is he the one who…" Emily trails off before quietly adding. "You thought you were pregnant. Was he…?"
"Yeah," Alison shakes her head. "But really, what's important is that CeCe and I were doing just fine together until she met Wilden. And he was great at first; he took us on his boat and we drank and had a great time."
"Why was my sister there?" Spencer wonders and Alison shrugged.
"I don't know," Alison confesses. "I don't know, but she caused nothing but trouble from the moment she arrived. She drove a wedge between CeCe and Wilden and he got angry and violent. CeCe wanted to break it off with him, but she was scared and she was my friend, so I offered to do it for her."
"He's the one," Emily says. "The one who pulled his gun on you."
Alison nods. "I don't know if Melissa knew about the affair or if she just hated CeCe, but something went down on that boat that night. CeCe never spoke to me again, which is just great considering what I did for her, and Melissa treated me like I was a rodent. Wilden had turned them both against me when I wasn't to blame in the first place."
"I'm so lost," Hanna groans and Alison smiles.
"Now you know how I feel."
"Wait, so who are you placing the blame on?" Aria asks. "Wilden, Melissa or CeCe?"
"Honestly?" Alison begins. "I can't rule any of them out."
"Well Wilden's dead," Spencer says. "So if he's the one who tried to kill you, he and –A aren't the same person."
"Wait," Hanna stops them from speculating. "When I was in the hospital, you came to visit, right? That was really you?"
Alison nods and adds, "I came to see all of you, at least once. It wasn't a hallucination and you weren't dreaming. I was really there."
"Even…" Spencer trails off to find the strength to ask, "Even when I was crazy?"
"You were never crazy, Spencer," Alison says firmly. "We all get a little lost sometimes."
They let the truth set in a moment before Hanna says, "When you came to see me, you said you saw –A everyday. Don't you know who it is?"
"I knew who –A was," Alison admits. "I don't know who –A is."
"It was Mona back then, remember?" Emily clarifies and Hanna frowns.
"Someone stole the game from her and she doesn't know who," Hanna sighs. "She was in Radley on serious meds."
"But remember what she said?" Aria asks. "She said that CeCe came to visit her and she can't remember their conversation. Do you think that's when CeCe became –A?"
"Toby did say that Red Coat was in charge," Spencer supplements. "Well, back then, at least. And we know CeCe was Red Coat… She must be working for someone."
"The question is," Emily says. "Who?"
A phone buzzes in Alison's pocket and she jumps, but relaxes when she learns it's not from their collective tormentor. "I've got to go. We can do this again soon. Don't come to the motel, okay? They'll just get rid of you. I'll do everything I can to get out of the press conference."
The others nod obediently and head out of the darkened alley. When they're out of earshot, Alison catches Spencer's arm and says, "I know you don't want to help me, Spencer, but you know you wouldn't be where you are without me."
Spencer shoots her a look, incredulous. "What?"
"My mother always said you were jealous of me," She goes on. "She always firmly believed that you were out to get me because you wanted what I had."
"What are you talking about?" Spencer asks, disgusted.
"But she also said never to turn my back on a Hastings. She said you can't turn your back on a Hastings and I don't intend to," Alison continues, steamrolling over her friend's confusion. "As long as you do the same."
Again, Spencer's perplexed. "What are you trying to tell me?"
"Watch your back," Alison warns. "Melissa knows I have never been fond of her and clearly the feeling is mutual, but I do not trust her and I don't think you should either."
Spencer says, "She's my sister."
"I know," Alison nods. "And the worst betrayals always come from the closest of kin."
Without waiting for a reply, Alison disappears into the night, leaving Spencer feeling utterly ruffled and flustered. The fact that Mrs. DiLaurentis had felt those things about her and her family doesn't really shock her; they had certainly given the woman reason to feel that way. But what really bothers her is that yesterday, the Melissa paranoia had been just that- paranoia. Now, Alison truly seems to feel like Spencer's own flesh and blood could be the person who tried to put her into the ground. Spencer doesn't want to believe it's possible, but things are starting to click into place and her mind can't stop jumping to conclusions. She needs to be told she's wrong; she needs to be told she's overreacting. So, she turns in search of the staircase and heads up to her boyfriend's loft, praying he's at home and his houseguest is not.
She slides her key into the door, the copy he'd made her weeks ago, and is met with silence. There's no sign of Caleb, but Toby's on the couch, his back to her, and just seeing him there is enough to ease some of the tension in her shoulders. She greets, "Hey. I know we never made plans tonight, but I just needed to see you."
But when he glances up, she's immediately alarmed. His eyes are tinted pink, tears stain his cheeks and he's shaking; in anger or sorrow, she can't really tell. She drops her things and goes to him instantly. "But not like this. What's wrong? What's going on?"
He looks at her like he's seeing her for the first time and it absolutely breaks her heart. Wiping at his eyes, he clears his throat and says, shakily, "-A's been texting me, yesterday and today, asking if we were still friends. Asking why I wasn't taking her leads anymore."
"Did you?" Spencer probes. "Tell me you didn't. It's dangerous, Toby."
"I didn't," Toby negates. "And because I didn't, she sent me this."
He pushes the phone into her grasp, as though he cannot physically bear the pain any longer, and glances away. Toby shoves his face into his palms and Spencer's sure that what she's about to read is bound to be something heartbreaking about his mother. How many crosses would this poor man be forced to bear? From his shallow breathing, Spencer can tell he's trying very hard not to break down again and she almost doesn't want to read the source of his pain, what's killing him so much. But when she does, it has absolutely nothing to do with his mother. –A has sent just a simple message of, "You asked for it. Kisses- and tissues-, -A." But attached is a video clip; the moment Spencer clicks on it, a pit grows in her stomach.
"Will you just tell me that what I saw tonight wasn't real? Please! Please tell me that there's more to the story," Spencer hears herself cry, her heart constricting in her chest. "That there's something that I don't know. Please, Toby! Please, tell me!"
She watches herself, bawling on Toby's front step, and wants to vomit. If she never relives that night ever again, it will be too soon. Guttural sobs are wracking her onscreen body and, like a train wreck, she can't tear her eyes away. Toby snatches the phone from her grasp, saying, "That goes on for thirty minutes. Please turn that off. I can't listen to it again."
Spencer's honestly speechless. Thirty minutes is only a fraction of the time she'd spent there that night, bawling her eyes out, but it had only taken thirty seconds to completely break him. He wipes furiously at his eyes again, taking her hands brutishly, and promising, "Spencer, if I was there… If I had known…"
She finds her voice. "Would it have made a difference?"
And there it is; the starting point of an argument they'd been avoiding since their reunion in the motel months earlier. They'd made a vow to one another that night- no more secrets. They couldn't afford it. Of course, they'd both broken it and most likely would continue to until they could finally put this whole nightmare behind them. But they'd never talked about what happened after his big reveal. He'd apologized and she'd forgiven him and they'd swept it under the rug. But with each passing day, the monster beneath the rug grows bigger, tougher, meaner and harder to ignore. –A has only unleashed it; unlocked the chains of their fiercely guarded hearts and battered and bruised egos and allowed an even larger monster to take place in their minds- doubt. If they don't have this conversation now, their relationship will have an expiration date. It's only a matter of time before something else becomes their undoing.
Toby can hear the bitterness in her voice and nods slowly. "Of course it would have. Do you think if I was at my apartment, if I had heard you crying like that, that I could've ignored it?"
"You knew I was hurting," Spencer accuses. "You knew I was at Radley. You let me believe you'd died. And you did nothing. Why would this have been any different?"
Toby glances away, ashamed and unsure of how to answer. When he doesn't say anything else, she's the one who continues. "After I found out, I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you so badly… but I couldn't. I didn't, not for a second. I still loved you, even after everything you'd done. Instead, I hated myself, because how could I love someone who would treat me that way? How could I love someone who faked everything we'd ever had, who'd lied to my face? I don't know… but I did. And what does that say about me?"
"I never faked anything. You have to believe me, Spencer," Toby insists. "There is not a second that went by, the whole time we were together, that I didn't love you. I need you to know that; I need you to believe that."
"I do. Now," Spencer clarifies. "But back then… I felt like you were the only one who ever understood me. You were the only one who kept me from falling over the edge and when I found that badge, when I saw you in my kitchen, in that hoodie… I didn't fall off the cliff, you threw me off."
"Let me explain," Toby pleads. "Please let me explain."
Spencer nods silently and he draws in a deep breath. "After we fought about Jason, I was fed up with all of the lies and the secret-keeping. I wanted you to be safe and I knew you wouldn't be if you kept things from me. I didn't know what you were lying about and what parts were the truth, but I was determined to find out. I thought you were lying because… because you didn't trust me."
"That's not it, Toby. I didn't trust –A," Spencer tells him. "-A severed the brake line in your truck. –A tossed you off of that scaffolding. Every time I disclosed information, you got hurt. I was keeping you in the dark to protect you. I didn't want you to get hurt."
"I know. I know," Toby nods and goes on. "Mona approached me when I got the job in Bucks County. She said she had answers for me if I was willing to do her a favor. I didn't know what that favor was; I stupidly assumed it was something minor. But she told me everything and at the end of it all, when she pulled back the curtain, there was no man behind it. It was her. She'd sucked me into her team and I hadn't even known it. When I told her I wanted no part in it, she'd said that the game of cat and mouse is only fun while the mouse is still alive. She'd said… She'd said it would be very easy to make you disappear… and make it look like an accident."
"She's crazy," Toby goes on, trying hard not to focus on Spencer's pale complexion or the look of disgust in her eyes. "She had me doing grunt work at first to prove my loyalty. I was instructed to go on with you like nothing was wrong and it killed me, Spencer. Every time… Every time I looked at you, I wanted to tell you the truth. It ate away at me for weeks and when you found me in your kitchen, as angry and upset as you were, I felt relief. I hated myself; I still do. But I was glad that at least I wasn't lying to you anymore. I would rather you know the truth and hate me than love me for the lies I was telling you."
"What happened after that?" Spencer asks, her voice small. "After you left?"
"I cut off all contact with her," Toby admits. "I left town, I motel-hopped a lot and I tried to figure out a way to make things right. But I never did. Everything I'd done was irreparable. Mona didn't take my departure lightly and she hated that I was ignoring her and that's why… That's why she killed me."
Spencer glances away, her mind filling the void in with images she'd care not to remember. Toby senses this, but must push on. He does so softly, as to not irritate her further. "It turns out, it was never about hurting you. It was about recruiting you. She didn't want to push either of us to our limits. She wanted to completely break you and she wanted to use me to do it."
"I kind of put that together on my own," Spencer says. "She'd approached me before about joining the –A Team and I turned her down. I should've known one day she would strike again."
"This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault," Toby says. "I found out what she did when she sent me a copy of my own funeral leaflet. That's how I found out how devastated you were, that's how I found out you were in Radley… and I came home. I didn't know she'd actually recruited you until we were sitting in that diner."
Spencer exhales and says, "You broke my heart."
"I know I did," He laments. "I know. I broke mine too. It was stupid and selfish and I want to take it back. I hate what I did to you; I hate it so much. I was so blinded by the need to protect you that I didn't see… I didn't see that I was doing it in the worst way."
"When I found the body in the woods," Spencer speaks candidly. "I thought… I thought that it was the worst thing that could possibly happen. You were innocent and you were good and I corrupted you. I brought you into my world of lies and deception and evil… and you died for it. It would have been my fault. And that's why I had a breakdown. Not just because I loved you and now you were gone forever, but because… You were dead because of me."
"No one could think that," Toby shakes his head. "No one could believe that. I'm sorry. I hate myself for what I did. I do."
"Don't," Spencer frowns. "Don't hate yourself. I don't hate you; quite the opposite actually. I'm not sure I'll ever forget… but I forgive you, Toby. I really do."
"I'm sorry," He pleads again. "I'm so sorry. I love you. So much."
"I know," She nods. "I love you, too."
The storm clouds blow over as Spencer pulls him into an embrace. It's like they'd been living underwater, the pressure caving their insides, but now, they've resurfaced. They've spent these past few weeks walking on eggshells around one another, afraid to confront the elephant in the room, but with a nudge and push, it had actually brought them closer together. Spencer's relieved she and Toby had finally confronted and settled their demons. She knows this will always be a sore subject between them; it may never fully go away. But at least they both know where they stand, now. At least they've got an essence of normalcy back in their relationship. She feels lighter, as though she could prance upon a cloud, and when their embrace ends, she places a loving, reassuring kiss on his lips.
"Do me a favor?" Spencer asks and he nods eagerly. "Delete that video. The last thing I need is you agonizing over it for an eternity."
"Done," He agrees, erasing it from his phone diligently. "Are you hungry? Thirsty? Can I get you anything?"
She shakes her head, smiling warmly. "Everything I need is right here."
Just as they're about to indulge in another kiss, Spencer's phone chimes with a text, but it isn't from the relentless tyrant. It's from Emily and they're close enough to both read her terrified words.
"S.O.S! LOADS of police and ambulances at the Cavanaughs'. Get here NOW."
