When the ReiatSoothe! had finally worn off and aspirins had begun to take effect, Yumichika asked, "Now that everyone has enjoyed a refreshing foot bath and scrub and experienced the body lotions and creams, I want to personally thank you all for coming. As a thank you gift, you will each receive two feathers, one red and one silver, which you can wear and be just like me. Why don't we adjourn to the next room where Captain Kuchiki has provided us with a delicious snack, and I will help you fill out your order forms. Shuuhei, maybe you had better be first."

Byakuya pulled Shuuhei by the sleeve to a corner of the room. "Hisagi…a moment of your time…Shuuhei…I want to remind you what I said earlier. I hold your captaincy in my hands. I will teach you everything a new captain needs to know since I am obviously the best thing to ever happen to you. All I ask in return, my dear boy, is one thing."

"What's that, Captain?"

"Get me my golf clubs," he said fiercely.

"But Captain Kuchiki…"

"It has taken on a sense of great urgency. So, get me my weapons of golf," Byakuya repeated emphatically. "Then I can challenge Kenpachi to a duel in a golf practice arena. How close are you, Hisagi? Order more of those cookie things. I do not wish to be out-ordered by that man in my own house."

"Yes, Captain." Shuuhei sighed and watched him walk away.

Yumichika was straightening out his display table. "Need a stapler, Shuuhei?"

"What? Why?"

"To hold your order forms together, Silly. Such determination in that Byakuya. I have never seen anyone gain enough points for a prize in one show. Usually, a prize like the battle clubs of golf takes at least seven shows, probably eight. He's doing it in one! What fortitude."

"Who, him?" asked Shuuhei incredulously. "He's just an expert at extortion for points, if you ask me. What am I going to do, Yumi? I'm going to have to declare bankruptcy before I can leave this party. Byakuya's got me by the short hairs. If I don't buy enough to put him over the top for that prize, I can kiss my promotion good-bye, especially now that he and Kenpachi are going at it."

"Is that all that's bothering you, Shuuhei? I have the solution right here."

"Don't play with me. I'm a desperate man, Yumichika. My order form looks like a novel."

"Don't worry, I am the best thing that has ever happened to you," smiled Yumichika calmly.

"You're the second person who's said that in the last five minutes, and I don't believe either one of you."

"Have faith in Yumichika, Darling. Are you ready? You're going to love this!"

"Tell me, damn it!"

"All you have to do, my black-haired friend, is buy into 'Sarah Tay.' I will personally train you to go out and do parties like this one. So what do you think? Great idea, huh? I'll bet you can't wait to get started!"

"Me? Do this? Wear that?" Shuuhei broke into a belly laugh. "Woo, you had me there for a minute, Yumi. I needed a good laugh! But seriously," he said, wiping his eyes, "what the hell am I going to do about this?"

Yumichika waited for Shuuhei to compose himself. He looked him in the eye and said quietly, "Think about it, Shuuhei. After you leave here, what are you going to live on for the next six months? Byakuya is already making you buy enough products to start your own business, so you might as well."

"Might as well what?"

"Go into the business for yourself!"

"You're kidding, right?" Shuuhei studied Yumichika for a minute. "You're not kidding, are you?"

"Buy at 50 percent; sell at triple your cost. Easy breezy profit. Food on the table again, beer and sake money in your pocket."

"Food would be good. Sake's better. Six months is a long time to go without a paycheck. Let me think about it."

"Work hard, and you'll have what you owe me paid off in no time. Couple of years, tops."

"Years?"

"Well, sure, but you're earning money in the meantime by booking shows and recruiting new people into 'Sarah Tay.' You get a cut of everything they sell."

"You make it sound easy."

"Of course. I can spin anything. I will train you at a measly 45 percent of your first year's commission. All you have to do is work hard and book five parties a week."

"Yumi, wait. Forty-five percent. That's a lot! There's not much left for me."

"It's not like I'm asking for your first-born or anything. Remember, Shuuhei, charge triple what you buy it for. I charged more than that tonight."

Shuuhei shook his head in disbelief.

"But don't worry, Hisagi, we can set you up with financing. I'm also affiliated with Yousori Finance Corporation. If you finance your purchases through Yousori, not only will I get my money sooner, but I also get a percentage of the interest rate, so you see, Hisagi, it is in my best interest to help you with financing. And after you've paid me off in a couple of years, anything you earn is yours to keep. No further financial obligation to me."

"But Yumi, what do I get out of this?"

"Simple, my friend, you'll have a goal! You'll harbor dreams of getting out of debt, and we will retain our beautiful friendship. Use that as your motivation, Hisagi. All you do is hold parties, sign up other people and train them, making sure to get your cut, of course. I'll teach you how to do to them what I've done to you. Eventually, you'll get the money to pay me back, and I won't have to use the true form of my zanpakutou on you again."

"Where do I sign?" sobbed Shuuhei.


"Good news, everyone!" Clapping his hands enthusiastically to get everyone's attention, Yumichika stated proudly, "Shuuhei Hisagi has joined my stable of 'Sarah Tay' stallions. Starting today, he is our newest consultant! A round of applause, please!"

As tepid applause circled the room, Yumichika proudly pinned a silver rose to Shuuhei's collar. Embarrassed by the attention and bewildered by his predicament, he felt a little dizzy. His head swam as he tried to figure out why he had to sell 'Sarah Tay' to get out of debt when he had been forced to go into debt in order to buy 'Sarah Tay' products that he hadn't needed in the first place. His pride seemed to be stuck in his throat and no amount of pushing by his tonsils would budge it.

"Congratulations, Shuuhei. I'll let you try on my hat if you'd like." Yumichika reached for the pill-box hat on his head.

"That's okay, Yumi. I wouldn't want you to have hat hair."

"Oh, my, you're right. I can't take my hat off. We'll just have to get you your own hat. You don't mind waiting, do you?"

Shuuhei looked at the strange hat on Yumichika's head. "Do they have one in normal?"


"Can we eat it?" asked Ikkaku.

"I don't know. It's too beautiful to eat," said Kira.

"The watermelon fruit baskets look so bright and polished, right, Ikkaku?" teased Renji.

"And your receding hairline is dating your back hair. Shut up, Abarai."

The three men stood in front of a grand buffet table. Spread across the table was a breathtaking mélange of food artistry prepared by Byakuya's top notch culinary staff. A melon whale cavorted with eggplant penguins. In another spot, tomato butterflies appeared to land on a field of cucumber daisies. There were radish bunnies and ducks, lemon pigs and a mouse carved from a pear. Cucumber frogs, carrot and leek palm trees, and kissing swans of squash were all playfully integrated into an idyllic scene of mouth-watering perfection. In the middle stood a realistic life-sized paté peacock decorated with expensive delicacies on skewers for the tail and surrounded by sprouted flaxseed crackers and watermelon basket bouquets. If it could be carved out of food, it was on the table arranged into a masterful tableau of edible art.

"What the hell are you limping for, Abarai?" asked Ikkaku.

"Whaddya think? My feet got boiled by Mr. Sarah Tay Junior over there." He pointed to Shuuhei.

"It was only a flesh wound, Renji." Kira soothed.

"Yeah, suck it up, Crimson Crusader. Have a carved apple robin or something," added Ikkaku. "There's a koi carved out of cheese."

Renji glowered, "My feet were in water. He could have electrocuted me."

"But he didn't. Number one, he's an expert at Kidou and he had the spell well under control," said Kira, pulling apart a cucumber iguana. "Number two, a child could have executed that spell, Renji, and it wouldn't have hurt less."

"It's the principle of the thing. I have a reputation to uphold in front of my captain."

Ikkaku popped a radish rose in his mouth. "Kuchiki was too busy bickering with Kenpachi to even notice you and the golden boy."

"He hurt my foot."

"Now you're just whining, Ketchup Head. Go ahead. Pick a fight. If he hurts you even worse, don't come running to me cause I ain't got no sympathy for you."

"Go spit shine your head, Ikkaku. At least Kira's got my back."

"Sorry, you're on your own. If you want to pick a fight over this, you'll get no sympathy from me either. I lost money on you earlier."

"C'mon, Kira. Let's see if we can score some sake instead of this fruity punch stuff. I'll bet Kenshin knows where Kuchiki keeps the good stuff."

The two men wandered off in search of the butler, leaving Renji to wonder out loud, "Where's the justice? All I wanted was a good fight!" Exasperated, he folded his arms in disgust.

A quiet figure shuffled over to him, followed closely behind by another.

"Renji, how is your foot, dear, after that nasty trick Hisagi played on you?" asked Captain Unohana, stroking the young man's arm. "Do you need me to look at it for you?"

"Well, now that you mention it…" Renji was struck by the kindness in her eyes.

"Because I am more than willing to look at it." She reached behind her head and pulled a scalpel from the back of her hair. "If it needs to come off, Captain Kurotsuchi has his regrowth formula with him. We will simply grow you a new foot."

"Actually, my dear Retsu, the regrowth formula needs a little work. But don't worry, Vice Captain Abarai, it will regrow something. The last time I used it on a subject, he grew an extra thumb…in his ear."

"Really? How interesting, but, um, I'm fine." Renji began to sweat. "My foot feels great. All gone! Not my foot! The pain! My foot is still here, but the pain's all gone. See?" He hopped on one foot to demonstrate. "No need to be cutting or regrowing anything. No need at all." Renji looked around desperately. Seeing Kira and Ikkaku across the room with the butler, he grabbed an appetizer from the table, "Excuse me. Gotta have Ikkaku try one of these kiwi people. Look. The head is a kiwi with a slice cut out for the mouth, two cloves for the eyes, curly carrot hair, cute little banana body. He's going to love it. Am I babbling?" He bowed to them quickly, then turned and dashed across the room, "Hey, Ikkaku, have I got a fruit for you!"

"That was deliciously wicked, my dear," drooled Mayuri.

"Yes, well, sometimes these self-possessed Shinigamis need some tough love. Is your regrowth formula really that unstable? I should like to examine the man with the fingers in his ear."

"Unstable, no, not at all. That was just a fib, I'm afraid. I like to see them quake when they are near me. I see you were prepared should an operation have been necessary."

"Oh, this? No, it is just a hairpin to keep the stray hairs off my neck. A gift from Isane. I keep my real scalpel in my braid." She reached into the middle of her braid and produced a switchblade-style scalpel, flipping it open dangerously close to Kurotsuchi's chin. "Offer to cut something off. It gets them every time."

"I find you completely intriguing."


"Pst, Hisagi, come here."

Shuuhei looked around to see who was calling him. Captain Hitsugaya was beckoning him into a darker corner of the room.

"Yes, sir?"

"You want to make captain, right?"

"Yes, sir, of course."

"Listen, I'll do you a favor, if you'll do me a favor. Matsumoto can never find out. You in?"

"Well, what's the favor, sir?"

"Look, I saw something in the catalog that interested me. You order it for me on the quiet and I'll endorse you for captain, okay? But, mark my word, Hisagi, if it ever gets out, you're done for. I'll put you on ice and display in my office for the rest of your life. Understood?"

"Uh, yes, sir. Matsumoto will never hear it from my lips, sir."

"Okay, good. On page 54, there's a candy flavored toothpaste. See?"

"Okay." Shuuhei looked at the page the captain was showing him.

"I want the toothbrush that comes with it. It's in the shape of a zanpakutou…It's really awesome."

"The Attack Your Plaque Kiddie Toothbrush from the Mini-Shinigami Nite Nite Collection, Captain?"

"Yea, the red one with bubble gum flavored toothpaste, okay? And maybe you can throw in the matching jammies. For Matsumoto, of course. She wears a small."

"Yes, sir."

"You keep this between us, Hisagi, and I'll keep ordering from you, okay?"

"I'd appreciate that, Captain. It's just between you and me. And since you're my first customer, how about the coordinated slippers for free?"

"I knew I could count on you, Hisagi."

"Oh, Shuuhei!" came a voice somewhere behind him.

"Matsumoto. I can't let her see us together. She'll ask questions." Hitsugaya slipped out of the shadows and darted across the room.

Hisagi turned as Rangiku closed in on him.

"Was that the captain?" she asked.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Well, he was short with white spiky hair," she said impatiently.

"Oh," said Shuuhei. "That captain. Sure, that was him. We were discussing the company."

"He probably wanted to yell at you for getting mixed-up in 'Sarah Tay.' Well, that certainly sounds like him. He couldn't wait for this party to be over. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, Shuuhei. I want some of that Bawdy For Body Massage Cream. You'll buy that for me too, won't you?"

"But I'm already getting you the Sense Your Soul Body Lotion."

"So?"

"Now that I'm selling it, don't you think you should buy it from me, instead of me ordering it from Yumichika?"

"But, Shuuhei," she said leaning in closely, "it's so nice and silky. I just need a little help reaching my back. It's been so dry lately. It's so hard to massage one's own back, don't you agree?"

"But Ran, why should I buy it for you when the only reason I'm buying all of this crap is to get into favor with the captains? You can't help me get a promotion."

"No, but I can help you get a raise," she said seductively. "You know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"Why is everybody saying that?"

"And who knows, I might need a full body massage some day. I wonder who I could get? You know what I mean, Shu Shu?" She lightly tapped his nose with her finger.

With a sigh, he asked, "How many?"

"One of each flavor, I mean, scent. Oh, you're such a dear. It's so nice of you to do this…"

"Hmph. There'd better be more to this than just a back massage."

"…with no strings attached. I can't imagine how terrible it would feel to know that you did this with less than gentlemanly intentions."

"But you just said… Do you always get your way?"

"Pretty much."


Part Four of Five - Almost there...