"If You Only Knew"
Chapter 4
Five and a half years earlier
Harry sat in front of the fireplace at Number 12 Grimmauld Place just staring.
He was tired. Tired of feeling so damn depressed all the time, tired of feeling drawn to those damn books in the library. He knew he should throw them out, but for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to.
He didn't know what was going on with him, honestly. He should be elated, on top of the world. He defeated the darkest wizard of the age, he was back together with Ginny, and he'd been informed after the war was over that Ron, Hermione, and himself were all exempt from returning to finish their schooling if they wished.
A small smile graced his lips as he thought back to Ron's reaction. He'd been giddy with excitement at the news. That had been the first time in a while he'd seen his best mate so happy. It was Hermione who had shocked both Ron and Harry because she'd accepted the offer as well.
Harry and Ron both had expected her to go back to Hogwarts as soon as the new term started. They both knew how she felt about getting a full and complete education. Of course, when the minister of magic tells you that you could virtually go into any field you wished, school would seem rather silly. Perhaps she knew what he and Ron both knew: they couldn't go back. It was time for them to move forward and get on with their lives.
They'd all lost so much after the final battle and it changed them in ways they'd never thought possible. While it was a cause for celebration, it was also a cause for heartache. So many people had lost their lives. School just seemed trivial after everything the three of them had gone through in the last year. And he supposed he really shouldn't be surprised that Hermione recognized this. She'd changed as a result of the war as well, just as everyone else had.
But while she had elected to forgo school, she did not, however, waste any time in choosing her career path. She'd declared her field as healing, whereas Ron opted to go for a job in the ministry. Harry was immediately accepted into the Auror program and that's where he stood now.
He'd been granted a vacation, but he had declined. He needed to do something instead of just sitting on his bum. But, as it was, his field was rather dull at the moment. Any dark wizards roaming about were lying extremely low and there was little to no activity.
He was getting frustrated. He wanted to do something.
The first thing he should probably do was get out of this damn library. It wasn't doing him any good sitting here, that much he was certain of. He was drowning with all of these books on dark magic. But he was in a dark place. It was one he wanted to get out of, but he just couldn't seem to do it. At least not alone. He needed help, yet he wasn't willing to worry his friends or put them through anything else. They were moving on with their lives and he needed to as well.
He should probably start with taking care of his godson. Since the ending of the war, he'd been staying with Tonks' parents, but Harry knew he needed to remedy that. He just needed to pull himself together before he could even think about taking care of another human being.
"Harry?" called an uncertain voice.
Ron.
He stayed silent, knowing that if he didn't say anything, Ron would just leave him be. He and Hermione had been trying to get him to go out of the house for months now. Honestly, it didn't interest him. He just wanted to be left alone. He would start pulling himself together tomorrow.
"Harry, Hermione and I are going to the Burrow. Do you want to come?" Still, he ignored his friend. No, he didn't want to go to the Burrow. He didn't want to see George without his twin; he didn't want to see the grief in all of the Weasley's eyes at the loss they had suffered. No thanks. "Harry?"
"No."
"Harry it's been six months—"
"Yeah, I know how long it's been. I don't need reminding, thanks."
"So what then? You're just going to sit up here all day and ignore everybody?" Once again, Harry remained silent and set his jaw. He was getting annoyed—Ron usually didn't prod this much. He'd expected the redhead to be gone by now. "Fine."
Moments later, a door slammed shut and Harry smirked in quiet victory. Sometimes, his best mate was so predictable.
However, mere seconds later, that same grin that had slowly developed, faded when he heard the door swing open. Great. Now this he hadn't been anticipating. He certainly hadn't thought that Ron would stoop this low and bring in reinforcements. He didn't even need to turn around to know who greeted him. The smell alone was invading his senses. A sweet, flowery smell consumed him and his jaw clenched. It wasn't an overpowering scent. How could it be, considering the person whom it was emanating from? But it was enough for Harry to notice. Hermione. She wouldn't be quite as easy to get rid of.
"Harry, we're going to the Burrow."
"Yeah, I know. Ron's already told me. Have fun," he replied with an unintentional distance to his tone.
"No. I mean we're going to the Burrow. All three of us," she said with determination.
"I believe you're mistaken, Hermione. You see, I told Ron that I wasn't goi—"
"I know what you said and quite frankly, I don't care. You're coming with us."
He didn't move from his position, didn't even glance at her. He simply sat there and put equal determination in his own tone. "No I'm not."
"Why?"
Harry blinked. He hadn't been expecting that. Not in the slightest. The question caught him so off guard that he actually got up and turned towards her. "I beg your pardon?"
"Why? Why aren't you going to the Burrow, Harry?"
Nobody had ever asked him that before. In all the times that Hermione and Ron visited the Burrow without Harry, no one had ever asked him—not once—why he was staying away. The question threw him slightly off balance and for a moment, he just stood there, not saying a word.
Honestly, he believed it was a rather silly question in the first place. The dark-haired wizard should expect the answer to be obvious.
"Harry?" she prodded stubbornly. "Why?"
Much to Harry's unpleasant surprise, he felt annoying, unwanted, useless tears welling up in his eyes. His throat became so tight it was a wonder he could breathe properly. He wasn't going to cry . . .
"I can't."
"You mean you won't," she countered.
Anger erupted within the deepest pits of his soul, soon overpowering the tears threatening to escape. Those were quickly forgotten. Who was she to tell him what he meant or didn't? "No, I mean I CAN'T, damn it! I can't go back there!"
"Why?"
"Stop asking me that."
"Why?"
"I'm being serious, Hermione. Stop pushing me!"
A disgruntled snort came out of her and Harry felt annoyance as she smirked sarcastically at him. "Come on. You know me better than that. I'll not stop pushing this. It's been ignored for far too long."
"What are you talking about? You've done nothing but badger me!" he pointed out truthfully.
"Someone should!"
"Oh and that someone's you? I don't need to be babied like this!"
"Then stop acting like one!"
Harry clenched his fists, but he forced himself to calm down. Hermione had a way of getting to him that nobody else had quite yet mastered. "That's enough. You should go," he said curtly.
"I will not. It's high time you faced this, Harry. You've been pushing Ron away for months, ignoring his family—your family—and you've been taking your bloody anger out on me and I'm about tired of it! I'll tell you one thing, I won't have it anymore."
She lifted her chin in defiance and Harry knew that she was going to stand her ground on this. She was a damn stubborn woman; she had been for as long as he could remember. And honestly, he couldn't recall a time of her ever looking more beautiful than she did right then. Her cheeks were blushing slightly from her temper, her arms were folded under her chest, and her eyes were sparkling with a passion Harry had never seen in her before.
He had an overwhelming desire to kiss her as he was peering down at her, but as he made a move towards her, he suddenly remembered that she wasn't his to kiss. She was Ron's girl and she always had been. Never once had she shown a spark of interest in him in any romantic sense.
What the bloody hell was he thinking?
Quick answer was, of course, that he wasn't thinking.
Out of pure instinct, he immediately moved away from her. He turned his back on her, though it killed him to have to do it. But he needed to put distance between them. His emotions had been out of control with her recently and she was utterly oblivious to it all. If he were being honest with himself, she was one of the reasons he was avoiding being apart of the "Golden Trio" as they had been deemed, evidently. Every time he had to watch Ron give her even the most innocent of kisses, or watch them hold hands while sitting in front of the fireplace, his thoughts went on a rampage.
All he could think was that should be him kissing her or that it should be him holding her hand or running his fingers through her hair. Seeing them together was slowly killing him.
Harry honestly hadn't been quite sure what he had been thinking when he agreed to live together with Ron. Nearly as soon as the war was over, he'd found an apartment and invited Ron to stay with him; perhaps he did so because it felt like it would be expected of him. It had always been the plan, anyway. The pair had talked about it endlessly during their school years.
So naturally, Ron had agreed immediately. They were living in a true bachelor pad, much to Hermione's disgust. He had suggested Grimmauld Place before he showed Ron the apartment, but his best mate had wrinkled his nose in distaste. He had declared the place cool for headquarters, but it still had a lot of work to be done before it was even remotely livable.
Harry had agreed whole-heartedly and despite having a place of their own already, all three of them decided to make Grimmauld Place a project to pass the time. They fixed it up with a surprising amount of speed and it actually had a rather cheerful disposition to it now. However, that was probably mostly thanks to Hermione. She had a way with fixing things up—just like she attempted to fix their apartment up, but Harry and Ron both had put their foot down on that one. They both quite liked their bachelor pad.
It was true that she had her own place now, but she might as well be a third occupant. And they weren't exactly quiet about it, either.
After one particularly loud night, Harry elected to purchase a television to try and drown out the sounds, since apparently neither of his friends knew how to put up a simple silencing charm.
Consequently, his purchase soon became a favorite of Ron's. The pureblood wizard who had never had the luxury of a television before was simply fascinated with them. So they had taken to watching old movies, usually horror, and he always had a difficult time focusing on the movie. The young man's eyes usually ended up shifting towards Hermione, who would be curled into Ron while she was intently watching the movie, no doubt trying to figure out who the killer was. It killed him every time to watch the way she would turn to Ron during a scary movie—even though Ron was jumping out of his chair most of the time as well. Harry found it was harder and harder to breathe.
Soon after that, he began to feel as though his friends didn't need him anymore. Any problems they had, they turned to each other to deal. They tried to include Harry, but he often wound up feeling like a third wheel, despite having Ginny.
So he distanced himself because he didn't want to resent Ron for landing the girl, which was slowly becoming the case.
"Harry, please. Talk to me."
"Hermione, there are things that you couldn't possibly begin to understand about me," he said quietly.
"Then help me to. At least then you'd be talking to me."
"I talk to you," he said defensively.
"When? When was the last time you sat down with me and had a real conversation?" He stayed silent because he had no answer to offer her. It had been a while since they'd really sat down to talk, just the two of them. "You've been shutting me out and I can't stand it anymore. Let me help you. Just let me in, please. Let somebody in. I miss you," she said quietly.
He didn't dare look at her. He didn't want to see the vulnerability in her eyes that he knew was bound to be present. He knew her well enough by now to know the expressions that came with her tones.
"Fine. I'll go with you."
A grin tugged at the corner of his lips as he could imagine that Hermione was smiling from ear to ear. He let out a small 'oof' as he felt a pair of feminine arms tighten around his waist. "Thank you."
Reluctantly, he turned around and returned her embrace. But as he hugged her, he scowled and placed both hands on her shoulders to push them apart so he could give her the most intense stare he could muster. He couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of satisfaction as he noticed Hermione's cheeks turn a deep crimson color at his scrutiny. So he did have an effect on her after all. Well, he wasn't sure if that made it better or worse knowing that the attraction wasn't one-sided. "I'll go on one condition."
"Name it."
"As soon as I want to leave, I get to leave. No trying to coerce me into staying, no asking me why I want to leave . . . just let me go," he said as gazed intently into her big chocolate brown eyes.
She bit her lip as she nodded. "Okay."
He couldn't help but notice the huskiness in her voice. He shouldn't be noticing these things. Not about her. It was Hermione for goodness' sake. By all rights, he should have looked away, damn it. He should have tousled her hair playfully to break the tension, or made some lame joke, but he couldn't.
But she wasn't making any attempts to move away either, which made it that much harder to will himself to push her away.
Instead of moving further away which is what they should have done, they moved closer. A piece of stray hair was hanging over her face and Harry gently brushed it back with the tips of his fingers. She wasn't looking away, wasn't moving back, and she didn't try to make any excuses for why they shouldn't be doing what they were about to do.
When he realized she was staying put, he smiled and ran his fingers through her hair as he bent his head to lean in for the kiss he'd been secretly longing for for months now. Their mouths were centimeters apart and he could practically feel her lips on his already.
She was leaning in to close the distance when they heard clatter outside in the hallway. They quickly sprung apart just in time as Ron peeked his head in the entranceway with a big grin on his face. "What's taking you two so long? I thought you'd both have been downstairs already," he said with a slightly raised eyebrow.
Harry was scrambling for an excuse to give him. He highly doubted that Ron would appreciate the truth. "Sorry mate, but I was getting ready to snog your girlfriend. Shall we be off to the Burrow, now?"
His mind turned up blank as he fumbled for anything to say to the redhead standing in the doorway. But luckily he didn't have to think of one, as Hermione spoke up. "Sorry, Ron. It was a little harder to convince him than I thought it would be."
"Well, you did convince him, didn't you?"
"Of course," she said with a rather smug look. "You know he always listens to me."
Harry feigned a scowl and playfully shoved her out of his way as he went over to his best mate and slung an arm over his shoulder as he pushed the guilt of what had almost occurred out of the way. "What can I say? She has a way of twisting my arm. I just can't say no to her."
"She has that affect on people, me included. She's especially good at twisting my arm in the bedroom," he added under his breath. Harry cringed.
"Ron!" she exclaimed indignantly and shot him a death glare that made Ron cower and hide behind Harry. As much as Ron's statement made him sick to his stomach, he couldn't help but laugh at the situation.
"Sorry, honey. Won't happen again."
She let out an annoyed huff and folded her arms. "Sure it won't," she claimed as she stomped out of the room.
As the two young wizards stared at her retreating backside, Harry smirked at Ron. "That's totally going to happen again, isn't it?"
"Probably, yeah." Harry laughed and Ron smiled. "Not to get all girly on you, but that's a nice sound to hear, mate. Haven't heard much of it lately."
"Yeah . . ." He avoided his friend's gaze as guilt washed over him. Here Ron was, worrying about how much he laughed, and Harry was ready to kiss a girlfriend who wasn't his. And the sick thing was if he had the opportunity to try again, he'd probably take it. He tried to shake it off, though.
"Listen, I'm really glad you're coming with us," Ron said cheerfully.
"Oh yeah? Why's that?"
"Well, Mum's been asking about you constantly. I'm running out of excuses to give her. Last week I told her you had to go into work for an emergency. The week before I said you were feeling peekish. I think she's going to notice if I just start rotating my excuses."
While that seemed like good as explanation as any, Harry knew Ron Weasley like the back of his hand. There was something else he wasn't telling. Harry raised an eyebrow and folded his arms. "And?"
A grin spread across Ron's face as he shoved his fists in his pockets. "And George has a new prototype that he needs to test for the joke shop."
"Let me guess. You were supposed to be the test-dummy?"
"Yeah. I've been to his house while he's testing stuff out and the explosions were making me a little nervous."
"So now I'm the scapegoat?"
"Pretty much. Yeah."
Harry chuckled and began heading for the door. "Let's get going, huh? The last thing we need is to—"
"Ron! Let's go! Your mum's waiting!" Hermione yelled up the stairs.
Both boys cringed at the tone in her voice and Harry finished what he was about to say before Hermione screamed at them. "Piss Hermione off."
Ron and Harry glanced at each other with mischievous smirks and burst out into laughter as she yelled, "RON!" once more up the stairs.
Lunch was a disaster.
Everything started out brilliantly, though. He'd had more fun than he had in quite a while. He and Mr. Weasley sat down and chatted about various muggle trinkets and he'd also asked Harry about work and such. Mrs. Weasley was ecstatic that he showed up and was giving Harry recipe after recipe because she was convinced that he was looking underfed. Of course, that hadn't changed much. Ever since he first started coming to the Burrow, she was convinced he was starving.
The prototype George was working on got a laugh out everyone, Harry included. In fact, Harry probably laughed the hardest out of any of them. The product was a smelly whoopee cushion, and though Harry's cheeks had redden, he could still appreciate the humor behind it.
It was nice, just laughing and having a good time with his family. There were a few times early on in the day where he thought he was going to leave before they ate because it wasn't all sunshine and daisies. Grief was still heavy in the air, but he could tell that they were trying their best to be normal around him, so he sucked it up and dealt with it.
It was during the meal when things got sticky. Naturally, Ginny sat next to him, which he hadn't minded of course. At first, he'd actually welcomed her presence. They hadn't spent that much time together earlier, as he was busy chatting with the rest of the family. He should have been spending every second with her because she was busy finishing school, so they rarely saw each other. Things were different, though.
He tried talking to her, he tried being normal for her, but he couldn't seem to do it. The conversation felt forced and in fact, every conversation he seemed to have with her lately felt false. It wasn't that he she was doing anything wrong, he just couldn't feel that spark he'd once had with her. And it had been missing for quite some time. He didn't think about her as much as he used to and whenever they were together, the company wasn't as enjoyable as he remembered it to be.
This conversation helped remind him of that and it made him slightly uncomfortable because he could see the eagerness in her eyes to try and get their relationship back on track, but they were thinking two completely different things. He'd hoped that time would heal things between them after the war and that things could go back to normal, but it seemed the only thing that time did was make matters worse.
An altogether unpleasant realization came into focus as he stole a glance at his girlfriend. He was going to have to end things. That's just all there was to it. It wouldn't be fair to keep this façade that everything would be all right in the end. Besides, the events that had transpired between Hermione and himself earlier put everything into a slightly new perspective for him. Even though he knew nothing further would likely happen and it was probably just a fluke, for her at least, it helped him realize that the fire with Ginny had faded out.
Guilt crashed into his system like a tidal wave, threatening to swallow him whole as thoughts about another girl were running ramped in his mind and he quickly averted Ginny's questioning stare. Through his peripheral vision, he could see her scowling at the distance he had no doubt she recognized. She was far from stupid, after all. Instead of giving the rising complication more thought, though, he focused attention on talking to George.
"So how are things at the joke shop, mate?"
"Good, really good. It was sticky for a while; thought we—I was going to have to close it up . . ." he trailed off with a saddened glaze in his eyes and Harry instantly felt horrible. This wasn't the first mention of Fred today.
George still sometimes used 'we' without even realizing it. It had simply made Harry uncomfortable before, but now that George had corrected himself, it seemed worse. It didn't help that he'd caught Mrs. Weasley in one of the back rooms staring at a picture of Fred, crying her eyes out only to come out minutes later like nothing was wrong. He shut his eyes as grief consumed him and he abruptly excused himself from the table. This was too much; it was too soon.
He quickly walked out to the backyard and felt anger and frustration bubbling up inside of him.
How could he have thought this was going to be okay? It was never going to be okay. Fred was his brother—blood or no—and he was gone. He should be here, damn it. It wasn't fair! They were good people in there and they suffered far too much loss. While he knew it wasn't his fault, it still felt like it was.
"Harry?" a timid voice questioned.
Annoyance filled him as he heard Ginny calling out to him. "What?" he asked crossly. He knew very well that it wasn't fair of him to direct his anger and grief at her, but at that moment, he couldn't seem to help himself. Couldn't she see that he just wanted to be left alone? Alone was what he was good at. He was used to alone.
"There's no need to be so cross with me," she said with a bit of a snap. "I just came out here because I want to help you," she finished with a much gentler tone. "If you'll let me."
"I don't need help. What I need is to be left alone right now. Just leave me be, Gin."
"Harry, don't be like this, please. There are people here who want to be there for you. You think you're the only one who's suffering right now? We've all lost people. You don't have to go through it all by yourself."
Good Christ, what the hell was going on? First Hermione was trying to tell him what he was actually thinking when she didn't have a clue and now Ginny was trying to tell him how to act! He grit his teeth together and bit back a curse. He was about tired of everybody's blasted nosiness!
His patience was running thin and he grit his teeth together, hoping she would take the hint and realize he wasn't in the mood to be nagged at. "You know something? I don't need to be told how to be like!"
"Are you sure about that, because you're just being downright rude," she said crossly. Apparently she didn't know how to take that hint he'd been dropping because she kept going. "Honestly, I know you're going through a lot right now, but there's no reason for you to take it out on everybody else!"
In that moment, something inside of him snapped. It was like he was a ticking bomb and his time was up. All the hurt and rage he'd been concealing these past few months became unhinged and he rounded on Ginny, taking his temper out on her.
"If you're such a genius, then why don't you tell me how I'm supposed to handle this then, because I'm at a loss, Gin! Tell me what to do, please, because I don't fucking know how to be!"
Harry blinked in shock and watched in his own kind of fear as Ginny's eyes widened in fright at his outburst. But instead of yelling or screaming some more, she took a tentative step towards him. What was she doing? She should be running for the hills after that. He wasn't aware he even had that kind of anger inside him. He hadn't known it was possible for him to have an outburst like that. Sure, he had a few screaming tantrums in his fifth year, but that was different. This was a whole other level of outrage. He certainly hadn't meant to yell and curse at her like that. It just . . . happened.
Confusion crept onto his features as she continued making her way towards him. Seriously, what was she doing? He just behaved like a bloody tyrant and she was still moving towards him? He studied her warily, as though she were the one who had just had a fit of rage, and as she continued moving closer, she offered him a wobbly, pathetic attempt at a smile.
It was only when she placed her hand on his cheek to wipe a tear away that he realized he was crying. Her eyes were filled with sympathy and as he looked a little closer, he saw her own pain hidden as well as her own grief. It stung like a slap in the face. He really was a selfish bastard, wasn't he?
Feeling ashamed of his behavior, he sucked up his anger and frustration and pulled her into his arms, despite the fact that he knew how wrong it was. It was wrong because he knew very well that that he was leading her on. He knew that she would interpret this as something more than him offering her comfort. He knew it would give her hope. False hope that she didn't deserve to have waved in her face.
But he couldn't bring himself to move away from her either. In a way, she was offering him comfort too. This was the first time since the defeat of Voldemort that he had just let himself go completely. He hadn't allowed himself to cry before. His entire body was shaking with sobs as he buried his head into the crook of Ginny's shoulder.
Crying felt strangely liberating.
"I can't do this anymore, Gin," he managed to choke out. Though he wasn't quite sure she could understand what he said because the words came out muffled.
Once his tears subsided and he pulled himself together, he removed his face from her shoulder and when he looked up, he felt horrible. Hermione was standing in the doorway, watching the scene unfold. And Harry was well aware how this looked because he could see the devastation written all over his best friend's face. This wasn't right. It shouldn't be Ginny comforting him and he suddenly felt as though he were betraying Hermione.
They locked eyes and then something odd happened. She closed herself off from him. A mask hid any emotion she may have been feeling and his entire world shifted. She never hid from him. Not ever. They were always open and honest with each other, even if sometimes that honesty led to fights and not speaking to one another. But now, he realized that he had no clue what she was thinking and he silently cursed at himself as she walked away.
He pulled back from Ginny and cleared his throat. "Ginny, I'm sorry."
A look that could only be described as perplexed crossed Ginny's face. "What are you sorry for? I'm your girlfriend. I'm supposed to be there for you when stuff like this happens."
"Well for one, I'm sorry for my outburst just now."
She scoffed and waved her hand as if said event hadn't been completely out of line, not to mention out of character. He knew then that it was time to end things. This wasn't the Ginny he remembered falling in love with. This Ginny was trying to grab onto any thing she could to keep their relationship from falling apart and it broke his heart a little bit. Where was the Ginny that wouldn't stand for any of what just happened? "It's fine. You—"
"It's not fine! And the fact that you're saying it was fine tells me that something is very wrong here. Before, you never would have put up with an outburst like that! Now you're practically rolling over and playing dead! That's not you!"
"Well what do you want me to do Harry? Because when I fight back you basically tell me to piss off and if I don't fight back, you accuse me of being different! It's a lose-lose for me, anyway!" she said heatedly.
He rubbed his temples to try and dissuade the headache he felt coming on. He had a feeling this argument was far from over. And the words that Ginny spoke next told him he was right in his assumption.
"Half the time I don't even know what's going on with you! You never let me see you anymore!"
"Never let you see me? What the hell's that supposed to mean? I've owled you about a thousand times trying to get together and it's you whose always got some excuse!"
"Don't pull that shit with me, Harry! Don't try and blame this on me because we both know whose bloody fault this is! You've been avoiding everyone for months now. It's like you won't let anybody near you!"
"That's absurd! You know, people know where I live, too! They're welcome to come over any time!"
"Is that so? Because from what I hear it's a different story. Neville told me he's tried for ages to come over and see you, but you're always 'too busy' with work or already have plans. Same thing with George! He's wanted to talk to you for a long time but you've been cooped up in your fancy new flat ignoring everything around you!"
"This is ridiculous," Harry muttered through his teeth. "People see me!"
"Like who? My brother? He lives with you so that doesn't exactly count, does it?" He grit his teeth together once more and ignored her prodding. Now she was just being ridiculous. "Hermione?" she hissed out next. Harry stiffened at that. This was not going to be a very nice conversation. "Sorry, Harry, but she doesn't count, either."
His attention snapped right towards her at the tone of her voice and his anger started bubbling up all over again. "Do not drag her into this. She has nothing to do with this fight, Ginny."
"Doesn't she? You know, I thought Cho was over-exaggerating about why you two broke things off, but now I'm not so sure. Why is it that she seems to know more about you then your own girlfriend? How much sense does that make?! It's not normal!"
"Don't get pissed off at me because she listens to me and pays attention! It's not her fault she actually knows me!"
"Damn it, I'm trying to know you! Can't you see that? You just won't let me in!"
He wiped a hand over his face and felt himself growing irritated with the situation. This fight was the last thing he wanted to be having.
Perhaps the only way for her to take a hint was for him to be a jackass, more so than he had been. He just couldn't see any other way for her to accept it. He didn't want to and he felt his gut clenching at the thought. It wasn't right for him to be deliberately cold to her, but he was at his wits end here.
"And did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to?" he asked, straight-faced. He made sure his face betrayed none of the regret he was feeling and he could see that it worked.
Her face paled slightly, and then after she took a moment to collect herself, she raised her chin again.
"You know something . . . I think I've made allowances for your behavior long enough."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"What that means is that while you've been holed up in your flat or Grimmauld Place sulking and shutting the world out, I've needed you! Didn't you ever once stop to think that I might possibly need support in this, too? These last few months have been horrible around here. When I'm home from school, I wake up in the morning expecting to see my brother walk through the front door any minute and ask everybody what they were all moping about for, but it never happens," she said with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry if I haven't exactly been the best girlfriend lately, but Fred was my brother! There have been days when I wasn't quite sure I remembered how to function properly because I've been so sad and depressed."
Harry sighed and looked skyward. What she said made him feel like a heel, but how the hell was he supposed to be there for her when he barely knew how to make it through the days himself sometimes? He was a wreck and he wasn't good for her. She deserved somebody who wasn't quite as messed up as he was.
"I'm sorry. I know you've been hurting. Maybe that's part of the reason why I've been staying away. I just . . . I'm not good for you, okay? I can't be there for you like you need me to be."
The tears she'd held in her eyes moments earlier slowly began to trickle down her cheeks and she shook her head. "I don't believe that. You are good for me! Things are just a little diff—" Harry placed a hand on her cheek and she sucked in her breath. "Things are just a little difficult right now," she whispered.
"Ginny," he said with a resigned sigh.
Her eyes shut and she leaned into his hand. "It's over, isn't it?"
"I think so," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."
She shrugged and offered a weak smile, "It's okay. I think I've known it was for a while now. I guess that's partly why I've been putting off seeing you," she offered.
Harry grinned, "So I was right about that, yeah?"
He was fairly surprised when a small laugh escaped her and she seemed genuinely amused. "Yeah, you were. I guess I just didn't want to take responsibility for my actions and tried to blame you. Sorry," she said sheepishly.
"I am too. It's just, I want what's best for you, Gin, and I don't think I'm it. I'm a mess," he stated truthfully. "You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who can be there for you right now and I just can't be that person for you."
"I wish I could I say understood, Harry. But you need to do what you need to do." Some moments of silence passed between the pair and he glanced over at Ginny who had an unreadable expression on her face. "There's nothing I can do to change your mind?" she offered weakly.
Harry sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I think we both know the answer to that."
"Right."
At that, Harry thought the conversation was finished and was turning around to head back inside when Ginny stopped him. "Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"What I said earlier about Hermione . . . I didn't mean it."
He couldn't help but smile as he nodded. "I know you didn't. It's fine. I know you're friends with her. You wouldn't say anything to intentionally hurt her."
"You're right. I wouldn't. She's a good friend." She grew pensive and she returned his smile after a moment's hesitation. "It's funny. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about her dating my brother, but now that it's actually happening, it makes sense. I like them together better than Lavender Brown anyway," she said with a shudder and Harry couldn't help but cringe at that once-upon-a-time relationship. "She'll make a much nicer sister-in-law one day."
Harry paled and felt like he'd been sucker-punched and his heart sank all the way to the ground. Marriage? Ron and Hermione? He knew they were serious, but he was barely making it through with them dating. Could he handle a marriage between them? Would he be able to face that if and when the time came?
The possibility was rather unpleasant and he wanted to forget Ginny ever mentioned having Hermione as a future sister-in-law. He thought he might vomit.
"Harry, are you okay? You look like you're going to be sick."
He nodded, but his throat felt dry and he didn't really trust himself to speak at the moment.
"You're sure?" she asked, clearly skeptical. When he nodded again, she did the same. "Okay then, I'm going to head inside. Are you coming?"
He didn't know how he did it, but he actually managed to form a sentence without sounding entirely pathetic. "No. I actually think I'm going to disapparate and head home."
Her eyes slightly widened and she looked genuinely concerned. "Why? It's not because of what just happened is it?" When Harry sighed and didn't say anything, she continued rambling on. "Because if it is, I swear I'll hex whoever gives you a hard time for this. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable around your family just because we've broken things off."
Harry actually smiled at that and shook his head. "I appreciate your fervor, Ginny, but no. That's not it at all, honestly. It's just been a long day. I need to take this one step at a time and this was a very large first step for me. You have no idea."
"If you're sure," she said uncertainly.
"Positive." Ginny nodded and turned to head back inside as Harry shoved his fists in his pockets. "Gin?" She paused and he uncomfortably cleared his throat as he shifted his weight rather nervously. "I am sorry."
"I know. Take care, Harry. I'll tell the others you've gone home."
"Thanks."
As he watched her retreating form, he should have felt relieved that the breakup went so smoothly, despite how rocky it started. Ginny didn't appear to be too angry with him, though things may have felt a little awkward before she went inside, and he felt like some kind of weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
So why did everything still feel so wrong?
Sorry it's been a little while! I was concentrating on an original story over at fiction press that really needed to be updated, which it has been, so I resumed my attention on this.
Anyway, once again, I've taken some fanfiction liberties with the school issue. I think Hermione goes back to school, but I never really got into the whole 'extra' stuff provided.
I tried really hard not to make this seem like Ginny bashing or anything. Because I love Ginny to pieces--I love the spunk she's got in her. But I'm not sure if I got away with it or not. Lol. If you can't tell already, I'm a worrier. I fret over stuff like this, so just ignore me. Heh.
And I have to say that I'm amazed, truly. Nothing I've written in the past has gotten quite this much response in the beginning chapters. I'm just a little blown away with everything and it's inspired me to work that much harder to make sure it doesn't end up sucking. Lol. I hope you all continue to enjoy it. I will say, though, that some of the reviews made me laugh a little. Most of you are convinced now that Hermione's pregnant. That makes me really giggle. I normally don't spoil things, but I decided to just give it up and say flat out that she's not. I promise that Hermione's not with child. When I started this story, I'd toyed with the idea, but then I figured it's probably been done a whole hell of a lot and decided against that route.
And to White-Knights, I have to say kudos to you. You are the first person to point out the fishiness behind suspecting Lucius Malfoy. There's a reason behind it and keep in mind that Harry finds this whole assignment to be very strange and unusual. The things you pointed out didn't escape Harry's attention, but he has had other things on his mind. He was too focused on the fact that he was being forced to go back home, so he was in a bit of shock. So I give you a hearty pat on the back for being a careful reader!
Thanks this time around (bold names are signed reviews, bold/italics are anonymous):
Farrah Aabit, crazybookwormgirl, bexisl, jafr86, pawsrule, robst, F5Chaos, White-Knights (2-times), carbon12.011, ren-san, Wesleyangirl13, randomharmony13, kingswriter (3-times), xBloodSplatter, Starman800, rachelalexandra, lollapalozzafanatic83, bernadette aquino, eSJa, andlaurieoflove.
I think I got everyone. My apologies if I missed anyone and please let me know if I spelled anything wrong. I'll go back and fix it ASAP. Also, if you'd like an individual review reply, please make sure you enable your PM function, otherwise I won't be able to respond to you.
I think that about does it this time around. I hope you all enjoy the chapter! Next chapter is also in the past, then after that, we'll be back in the present time.
