After school I returned home straightaway. Karen knew it already so we did not say good bye the long way. This time I caught the bus, mother would have nothing to complain about.
4. Capter: "Milk bottle"
I opened the door. All windows were covered by long curtains which did not let any light into the house. "Mother, I am back. Where are you?" From the kitchen, next to the door, I saw a litlle light glowing. She was standing in front of the opened fridge, holding an open milk bottle in her right hand. She was nuzzling something, I could hear it just as I moved towards her.
"The milk... it´s spoiled..." Her look seemed to be far away.
"We should get new then..." As I spoke to her she slowly turned to me. "Do you want to drink some now..? If you like I go to the supermarket and-" Her face began to fill with anger.
"Of course you should go-! It´s your fault the milk is spoiled, if you hadn´t been sick yesterday I would´ve got a new good one, but you-!!"
I cannot do anything. I do the only thing I am able to do now. Escape.
I run. I run up the steps, into my room. No matter why, when she is blaming everything on me I have no influence at she is no real person anymore. Then you are simply evil, Devil´s child. Maybe grown ups could calm her down, but... not me. I want to lock it. My door. Stay outside, leave me alone. I cannot hear it anymore.
Why me?
Tell me: WHY ME??
"Jules, I HATE YOU!!" Shouts this angry and scary, but also pitiful woman. You shall hear her cry everywhere at home, you are not allowed to flee from it. And she reaches me, even though I put my hands on my ears... I do not want to...
Just... just stop it..!!
--
An hour passed until she calmed down a little.
"Mother, I go now to get some milk for you. Do you want anything else too?" She is sitting at the kitchen table, saying nothing. The door of the fridge is still open wide. Should I say something? As I look at her I see the bottle on the floor - broken into uncountable pieces. "Mother, shall I take anything else for you home?"
"No- Nothing." An living shadow, like a ghost. "Just come back, and watch out traffic can be dangerous especially for a child-" Her smile is so unreal.
"Shall I help you clean the kitchen before I leave?"
"You don´t need to. You could cut your tiny fingers, this pieces of glass are really sharp..." Why are you... this way..? But I have to help her "It will be okay, I will watch out and-"
"I said you shouldn´t do-! Now leave, immediately!!" She is scary, no question, but...
"Yes, of course!" The door slams shut. I leave now, I ran outside before she can get up again and... she is frightening me. Nearly everyday I ask myself why my father had married her. If anyone would know all of her - there would be no one who loved her, wanted her as friend, or even talk to.
My mind is spinning around this question, to buy something is now daily routine. Unfortunately I am earlier back home than I wanted to.
She is going to rant on me another time.
Why am I still going back?
Because I cannot go somewhere else. I do not have any money with me, I nearly get no pocket money, and often she asks me about to lend her some of it, I have never seen anything back of it. I would have to get quickly out of town, but without a bus ticket..? I have thought about it a hundred times and more, it leaves me nowhere. Since I am here, on this world, I know what hell is.
...
Although I do not want to I step inside. I hope I will be prepared for her wrath and all her yelling at me someday. Like before there is nobody, only she is still sitting like a waiting demon in the dark kitchen, just the open door of the fridge gives some light. "I am back, mother." I want to make her feel comfortable. "Here is your milk." But I should not have done this. "Why have you not turned on the light? The fridge is not made for-"
"I know-!!" I did wake her up out of her thoughts. "Don´t you think it´s nothin´ of your business?!" I do not want-
"Of course- " Please spare me, spare me, SPARE ME!!
"I will go now- you know where you can find me, so if you have any problem-"
"GO!"
...
Here I am, safe from anyone as long as she does not follow me here. It is hard to calm down, but I have to do. I am supposed to learn somehow our topics. That is so important... if I will fail any test paper she will also freak out.
I cannot sleep. This night will be for school, for tomorrow.
Literature.
--
Annotation:
Hi everyone... Somehow... I´m feeling better. I hope I don´t depress you, it´s just... if you can´t read it, please turn to another fic (although I have planned something very special for the ending). I know this is so... sad and moving inside of you. I just want to thank you again for reading this, you cannot imagine how much I value this-! I´m feeling so bad about what I´m doing to them... especially to Jules...
I know I am mean to him, to you (sorry for this)... It´s also horrible, disgusting and moving to me, because... everything I remember of our family, what my mother told me about them... I...
Wait, at this time it won´t make any sense, please wait a few more chapters. Ummmm... I think I have to thank you again, because you are so patient with me-!
