So it's time for a new chapter :) Things are going a bit slow but I hope you'll be patient enough to bare because I think Lexi needs time to get used to her condition.
I growled when my crutch slipped and I almost fell. I stopped and took a deep breath. I had learned the hard way that when pissed I couldn't control my movements and was quickly finding myself on the floor. It had been two months since the accident. I refused a wheel chair and tormented myself with crutches. After millions of falls and bruises I managed to learn how to use them. It wasn't easy. I was doing exercises every single day hoping my leg would get better. Sadly, the improvement was minimal. But what really was driving me crazy was the stagnation in my life. Used to action now I was dying of boredom. The boys refused taking me to hunts even when I could stay at the motel and do researches for them. I was always left behind alone in the bunker as if I was junk. I knew I was useless and couldn't do much about it but they didn't have to remind me that. I needed to feel alive again. I needed to get out. They were treating me with unnecessary care as if I was made of glass. The pity in their eyes they were doing their best to hide was killing me. Sometimes they were taking me to the grocery but for someone used always to be on the run this wasn't enough. I took a deep breath and headed to the library trying to ignore the tears of helplessness. I was a hunter and I was strong enough to get through this. I was not going to cry.
The boys were so deep buried in some research they didn't see me coming in. They were so adorable – all serious with furrowed brows while reading.
"You're taking me out tonight" I said
Sam and Dean simultaneously raised their heads, confusion written all over their faces.
"What?" Dean made a face
"You're taking me out tonight" I repeated myself "I wanna have some fun. I'm so fed up with staying here. I need to go out. So you two are taking me to some nice bar and we'll have fun." I saw they were ready to contradict me so I added quickly "It's gonna get bloody, if you refuse"
As quick as possible I left so they couldn't argue and headed to my room in order to get prepared. I chose dark denims and black top with short cuffed sleeves, raised back seams and a V-neck with a loose fit. At the beginning the worst part of my day was dressing up but after numerous tries I learned how to do it easy and quick. I put some mascara and eyeliner on and I was ready. I looked in the mirror and smiled in delight. I looked good. Bright brown eyes were watching me back from the polished surface of the mirror. My strawberry blonde hair was falling freely down my back. I could only thank my mother for taking after her and looking that good. Only if it weren't the ugly crutches…
Half an hour later the three of us were laughing our heads off over our beers. For first time in so long I was having fun. It was nice to be out with the boys. The night was promising, the booze was cool and the music rocked. It was a karaoke night so Dean and I messed around with Sam singing together Asia's "Heat of the moment". Sam wasn't amused and gave us his best bitch face.
But one thing was missing. I stared sadly at the dance floor. I loved dancing. Now I was chained to the table because of my legs. And the moment that ruined my whole evening was when one of my old one night stands came to talk to me hoping for round two. I didn't even remember his name. I only knew that a year back I woke up next to him in a stinky motel room after a night of mind blowing sex and called Sam to come and pick me. He sent Dean who was so grumpy when he came that I regretted not going home by foot. Dean was acting stupid and if I didn't know him I was going to say he was jealous. I promised the stranger I woke in one bed with to call him but I never did. And so here he was, standing in front of me with a huge cocky smile on his lips.
"Care to dance?" he asked
Dean and Sam tensed next to me. Sam was ready to interfere but I gave him a sign not to – it was pointless. Dean gave the man a death glare but he was oblivious of that. He had eyes only for me. I put on my lips huge fake smile.
"Sorry, darling" I sweetly said and showed him my crutches. "I don't dance anymore"
The stranger's eyes widened in shock and his features changed. Now he was looking for a way out of this ridiculous situation. Only now he noticed the stern faces of Sam and Dean.
"Oh… I'm sorry" he said "I didn't mean to…"
"Ah" I waved my hand "Don't worry about it"
"Is it… is it permanent?" he cautiously asked not daring to look me in the eyes
"Don't know" I shrugged "The doctors said I could get better"
His face had that pity look I was getting everywhere I went. I was just about to tell him he could buy me a drink and take me to his place when I realized he wasn't seeing me as a woman. I was just a cripple to him. And he was backing off carefully. I could see it in his sorry eyes and the look his features had. I sighed and let him go away with the excuse that his friends were waiting for him. I bit my lower lip and ordered myself another beer. The boys were eyeing me, trying to figure out if I was all right. I wasn't. They both knew me well enough so they asked for the check and took me home as fast as possible. I was quiet the entire ride. I could feel Dean's eyes gazing at me from the rear view mirror. Sam even shifted in his seat to check on me. I didn't need this. I needed to be alone.
That night for the first time since the accident I let myself cry. I was miserable and couldn't be strong anymore. I had to stop lying myself I was okay. Because I wasn't, not at all. Everyone who looked at me wasn't seeing me. They were seeing a cripple that needed help, even Sam and Dean. The pity in their eyes was killing me. I wanted back my leg. I wanted to be strong again. I wanted to feel beautiful and wanted… I was so fed up with all the exercises I was doing and the doctors' orders… I knew I wasn't going to walk normally again. I knew it. I felt pathetic and not wanted. I was useless. I wondered how the boys were putting up with me. They had to do everything for me – go shopping, help me prepare dinner or even help me wash my clothes, because it was hard for me to move and carry things. I was embarrassed for my weakness… And I just couldn't pretend anymore… I wasn't fine with that… Tears were rolling down my face while I was trying to muffle my cries. I just couldn't pretend to be strong anymore. I just couldn't. The waves of self pity were washing all over me one after another, each one stronger than the previous. My body was shaking in silent cries. I had a headache… and I was completely useless. I was a hunter. And I was useless… I couldn't hunt… I barely managed to take care of myself let alone help the boys… I was pathetic…
"Lex?" Dean's voice came through my room's closed door "Are you okay?"
A small cry escaped my lips and I hid my face in the pillows of my bed trying to get myself together. I looked at the clock on my bedside table. It was long after midnight. God, how much time did I spend pitying myself? He probably had heard me crying and now he was checking on me.
"I'm fine, Dean" I said but my voice – hoarse and trembling – gave me away
"Are you sure? I thought I heard…" he paused for a moment "I'm coming in, if that's okay with you"
"Fine" I quickly wiped away the tears and took a deep breath to calm myself down
Dean opened the door and came in, cautious in every move. I sat in my bed and looked at him. He was so gorgeous and handsome, even in his pajama bottom and simple t-shirt… And I was a complete mess. Tears were filling my eyes again. Dean sat next to me on the bed.
"Hey, what's going on?" he gently asked, his green eyes locked mine
A tear escaped my eye and I sniveled.
"Sorry" I mumbled "I didn't mean to wake you"
"You didn't" he shrugged and I looked away "Hey" he made me look at him by gently cupping my face and turning it to him "What's wrong?"
But I couldn't answer. I wasn't sure. I knew I was the problem and I wasn't sure how to cope with that. I just sighed and looked at him helplessly. Dean didn't need more. He pulled me for a hug and I was enveloped by his strong embrace. He didn't say a word and I was grateful. We both knew there wasn't anything he could say to make me feel better. But his support was welcomed and needed. I felt safe in his hands and for first time in a long time everything felt right. Dean pulled us both on the bed, making himself comfortable without breaking the hug. I cuddled next to him and he pulled me closer.
"Thank you" I sighed quietly and felt he planted a gentle kiss on the top of my head
Soon I drifted off and this time I slept quietly with no nightmares haunting my exhausted mind.
I woke up and stretched my body. I looked at the clock. It was quite late and I wondered why the boys didn't wake me up. I found some clothes and put them on, I looked ridiculous with the oversized T-shirt and shorts on but I really didn't care. I headed to the kitchen, I needed coffee. It had been two weeks since the boys took me out. Two weeks since I had cried myself to sleep in Dean's arms. Two weeks that I had spent hiding from the world and refusing to show my face out of the bunker. It was time for me to get together and change that. I was a hunter, or I used to be a hunter, I corrected myself. I couldn't just spend the rest of my life as a scared little mouse hiding in its hole.
I found the boys in the library, packing.
"You're going somewhere?" I asked and leaned on the door frame.
Sam raised his eyes to meet mine and I saw guilt there. Dean looked like a little kid caught red-handed doing some mischief.
"We found a case." Sam said cautiously
"Oh" I crossed my arms "You found a case. And you decided to sneak out before I get up? Why?"
Dean tried to say something, his mouth forming some kind of excuse. I only had to raise my eyebrows to make him shut up. He smiled a bit guilty.
"We were going to leave a note…"
"A note…" I closed my eyes for a second "You're morons. Both of you. Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because…" Dean lost his words again
I shook my head. I knew exactly why they were doing this. They were trying to protect me, not to hurt me. But waking alone in the bunker, finding they were on another hunt was the last thing that was going to make me feel better. At the very least I was going to be worried-sick about them.
"Whatever…" I sighed "Give me ten minutes." And I took my crutches to head to my room
"Ten minutes for what?" Sam asked in confusion
"To pack my things, of course" I said "I'm coming with you"
"What? Hell not!" Dean grumbled
I turned around to face him.
"I'm coming" I insisted
"You're staying here." Dean retorted sharply
"I'm not going to be left behind!" I almost yelled at him
"You're safe here." He had this pleading look on his face
I knew what he was doing - he wanted me here because he couldn't stand the possibility of me getting hurt because of him, the possibility that he wouldn't be able to protect me, not again. He was still beating himself up for the fact I had been hurt on his watch. As always he was taking the weight of the world on his shoulders. And, of course, he was wrong.
"Please, I can take care of myself" I rolled my eyes
"Really?" asked Dean "Is that why you're all covered in bruises?" he pointed my naked legs "Because you can take care of yourself?"
I bit my lip in anger. It wasn't fair, it was a low blow and he knew it. Those bruises were because I wasn't careful enough and I had fallen a couple of times while rushing through the bunker's corridors.
"I can't just sit here anymore, Dean" I said and approached him. "I need to get out, do something"
"You're not…"
"A hunter anymore?" I sadly looked at him "Once a hunter, always a hunter"
"You can get hurt…"
I sighed internally. I really needed to get down to something. I needed to feel useful again. I needed to help them, even with such minor thing as doing researches for them. I had to do it for myself, to prove myself I still had that hunter side in me… or at least what was left of it. I missed the chase, the hunt, the kill, the adrenalin… but I knew this was in my past. And I was determined to take the best from the present because the future was never sure.
"C'mon, Dean, I'm not that stupid" I rolled my eyes "I know I can't go put the monster down. But I can stay at the motel and do researches for you, I'll try cooking you something… I know I can't go around and ask questions or dig up a grave…" I shrugged doing my best not to cry "But I need to get out of here." I said pleadingly "You're gone for days, and staying here alone… I can't anymore… So please, let me come with you. I won't slow you down, I promise."
Sam was quite, he was ready to agree, I could see it in his eyes but he left the final decision to his brother. Dean stared at me for a moment, and then nodded slightly.
"Fine."
"Thank you!" I smiled widely and spontaneously kissed him on the cheek causing an awkward moment between us. Sam cleared his throat and tried to hide his grin. As quickly as possible I hobbled out of the room, my crutches tapping on the floor, marking my escape.
This chapter was a bit longer than originally planned but I hope you enjoyed it. Please, review and tell me what you think :)
