Kakorrhaphiophobia: Fear of Failure or Defeat.
"I can't do this," Clary declared, turning away. She crossed her arms, biting her lip, her eyes confused and apprehensive. I move so that I'm in front of her, wrapping my hands around her waist.
"Clary," I breathed, the sensation of her name in my mouth making my heart skip a beat, "Clay, what's wrong?"
"Jace, I hardly know you!" she proclaimed, but her eyes beg for more contact. "And you hardly know me." She extricated herself from my grip, striding toward the exit quickly. I followed her anxiously.
"Clary, stop. Just wait," I half-begged. I ran forward so that I was between her and the elevator now. "Clary, just let me explain something."
"There's nothing to explain," she stated simply, looking down. She reached around me to pull the lever that opened the elevator. The metal shut with a clang, separating us. "I don't want to talk to you Jace." And with that, the elevator descended, leaving me there wordlessly. And all I could think about was how much I had wanted her to stay longer, to never leave me alone just like everyone else had.
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The next day, Thursday, came, and Clary and I hadn't talked since that night. I could hardly bear it. At lunch, I sat with Reese and the other prima donnas, all the while trying hard to stop glancing at Clary. The lowest number I reached? 104. Somehow, she planned it out so that whenever I got books from our locker, she wasn't there. And in class, she always took a seat in the front row, hardly ever making eye contact with me. Desire boiled inside of me, wanting, needing the way I had held her that night.
About a week later, I was hardly aware that I was dating Reese. I never recalled asking her out, people just started saying it, and I guess Reese made it happen. She was the one who always took control. Usually, in relationships, that was my job. But I hardly cared. My thoughts were all of Clary, though she barely seemed to notice me. Reese would kiss me, hold my hand. But I always caught myself comparing her to Clary. Then came that day…
"Ms. Gregory, may I be excused?" I asked, once the teacher acknowledged me. She nodded and I got out of my seat, exiting the room. I didn't think I could stand another minute listening to how the sudden deaths around the world were caused by a secret force from Russia. It was all just crap the mundanes used to reassure themselves. On my way to the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of red. A flicker of hope danced in my mind as I entered the hallway where Clary and I shared a locker.
"Forget a book?" I asked quietly from behind her. She jumped and dropped a few books, then bent to pick them up. I leaned against the row of lockers casually. She turned on me then, her green eyes ablaze.
"What do you want?" she asked impassively.
"I want to explain, Clary." I went right for it. "That's what I want. Well, one of the things I want."
"Well sorry, you can't buy 'explaining,'" she stated, shoving books in her locker.
"You don't need to buy everything," I reminded her.
"Can you just leave me alone?" I could sense a bit of longing in her tone.
"What's your problem Clary?"
"My problem," she started, whirling to face me with an agitated expression, "is that you're a liar, Jace Wayland."
"What did I lie about?" I asked incredulously.
"You told me all that crap about needing me, wanting me, me being important. And then you go and hook up with some girl that's so shallow and typical she doesn't even care about what's on the inside of people!" I can tell she's controlling her anger, and her fists are clenched, her knuckles white.
"It's just an act, Clary," I said tiredly.
"Why do you need to act?!"
"Because I'm not normal!" I shot back. "You don't understand." Astoundingly, she stepped closer to me, clasping my hand in hers.
"So help me to."
"I thought you didn't want to," I murmured, looking away.
"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you Jace," she explained bluntly.
"I can't get you out of my mind," I confessed, a smile playing at my lips. In completely bad timing, the bell rang out loudly, causing Clary to jerk away, but with a smile. "See you later?" she asked, placing a book back in her locker. I nodded, heading off to retrieve my belongings from the History classroom. There, I met Reese who was waiting outside the room with her usual crowd.
"Jace!" she said when she saw me. I slung my bag over my shoulder and approached her.
"Yeah?" I asked, my tone bored.
"Where'd you go?" Reese asked, pressing herself against me and smoothing out my collar.
"Honestly, I meant to wash away the memories of you and I with soap and water in the bathroom, but then I got distracted by this girl, her name's Clary, you might know her. And her and I talked and I couldn't help but confess my undying longing for her and now we're married and have 2 kids. Also, I'd like to go and find her so that I can drive her home, so if you'd kindly retract your claws from my shirt, that'd be very nice of you." Reese looked as if I had slapped her. Or murdered her mom. Or peed on her new Gucci purse. But she looked pissed and furious and also, rejected. "See you around," I added, just as the dismissal bell rang, symbolizing my freedom.
