-1Chapter One X: The Earliest Side-Chapter Ever!
In northern Grado, a group of mysterious figures in shady clothing snuck around the Adlas Plains, on their way to the Grado Keep.
"OH THE PAIN! MY POOR HANDLESS STUMP OF AN ARM!"
"Will someone shut him up! It's hard to sneak most sneakily when he's screaming!"
"But now you're screaming, boss!"
"Well then shut him up so that I stop screaming too!"
"WHY AM I NOT RECEIVING MEDICAL ATTENTION!?"
"I'll give you medical attention! Unhand me, idiot! I'm going to give him some anesthesia the old fashioned way!"
While one mysterious figure restrained another mysterious figure from attacking the third mysterious figure, who was cradling a handless arm and whining occasionally. They were leading a wagon with a single oxen pulling it. Inside the covered wagon, a young girl with indigo hair, bound and gagged, was struggling with the ropes keeping her trapped.
"Blast! I wish Grado wasn't so blasted big! I want to just get this stupid brat to the employer and get home with the cash!"
"So you've said… many times now, boss. But we're not there yet, and it's going to take a little longer. Hopefully the girls will be ready when we get to the checkpoint, so we won't have to worry about enemies."
"Oh shut up with the logic!"
"Kyle, I have a problem."
"What now, Forde?" The green-haired cavalier said with a sigh.
"Well, it's Prince Sissy. He's not… as big a sissy anymore. In fact, now he's just plain obnoxious. I want to strangle him. I seriously cannot resist the urge much longer, Kyle."
"Obnoxious? How dare you speak so of our regent!"
"Are you telling me you haven't noticed? Haven't noticed the aggravating fake laughter? Haven't noticed the ridiculous bravado? Haven't noticed how he's always… ORDERING us around?!"
"Not really, no."
"You are such a butt kiss, Kyle!"
At that moment, a peal of heroic laughter split the air as Prince Ephraim strutted onto the scene. "Hello Forde, hello Kyle!" Forde winced at the Prince's voice, which had recently gone from whimpering pansy to Mariana trench deep, "And how are you this fine day?"
"Well, your Grace, and ready to serve!"
Forde muttered, not really answering.
"Now Forde," Ephraim said, wagging his finger admonishingly, "We have to SHARE our feelings."
Kyle sneered at the blonde cavalier, "That's right Forde. SHARE."
Forde glared at Kyle, muttering several imprecations that involved the smooching of Ephraim's back end, before grinning obnoxiously at the Prince and saying in a singsong voice, "Why, I'm super-dee-dooper, Prince Ephraim!"
"That's good! Because we have raiding to do today, so we can continue to keep Renais safe! Now where is that Orson with the scouting reports…"
At that moment, Orson, who had become increasingly pale and sickly in appearance since they had left, approached. He smiled weakly through his scraggly brown beard. "I'm here, my Prince, with the report."
"About time, Orson! As long as you take, some times, I almost question your loyalty!"
"A hah… right… anyway, there is a small caravan heading east toward the capital. One wagon with three guards. They were yelling so loudly that I could hear them from over a mile away."
"Well… good for you. What does that have to do with anything?"
"They were wearing mostly black robe like garments, and appeared rather shady-"
"Then they must be fiends! We must apprehend the villains posthaste!"
Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim rolled his eyes before indicating him. "What if they turn out to be just a group of innocent travelers?"
"They are wearing shady clothing! They must be enemies!"
"And… if they are not?"
"Then I shall feel very guilty, until I forget the whole thing ever happened! Onward!"
As the charged off, a woman with red hair and a black robe emerged from the woods. "Sorry guys, but you know how it is when you just have to go… guys?"
"They left me… AGAIN?! This time they die!"
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"How about now?"
"I AM FEELING DIZZY! I THINK THAT I AM RUNNING OUT OF BLOOD TO LOSE!"
"Oh stop whining, you pansy."
"Um, sir?"
"What?!"
"I think someone is approaching us. It appears to be a group of riders…"
The leader turned to look, then laughed. "It's only three- oh wait, that one guy is doubling up. Fine, so four. Big deal! We can handle four measly cavalier types. And if they're Grado soldiers, all we have to do is show them out papers and we're home free."
The non-leader, non-wounded shady figure shrugged, but kept a hand on his large steel blade, which was rather uncomfortable since it was sheathed on his back. He made a mental note to get a smaller sword later and keep it on his hip, to avoid these kinds of uncomfortable positions.
The three and a half riders arrived, and stopped directly in front of the wagon, forcing the shady figures to a stop. "Halt, villains!" Ephraim shouted, leaping from Forde's horse, "I am Ephraim, Prince of Renais, and I am here to slay you fiends with this lance that is very sharp and painful!"
The leader sighed. "Why does everyone assume we're enemies? Is it the shady outfits? Because it that's it, then I'm sending out a memo to the other members of the organization to start wearing pink."
"Sounds like a plan, sir."
"I WON'T NEED TO, SINCE MY WHOLE SHIRT IS TURNING PINK FROM THE BLOOD!"
"Why the hell haven't you passed out yet?!"
Ephraim scratched his head, confused. "So… are you villains or what?"
The leader turned and shrugged at the Prince. "Depends. Do heroic types like you often kidnap psychotic little girls to deliver to even more psychotic emperors all to fill their own wallets with gold?"
"When the mood suits us, yes."
"Well in that case, we are most certainly not villains. We're just innocent travelers, passing by. Now if you'll please go away and excuse us…"
Kyle raised his hand. Ephraim did not notice. "Oh, of course! Sorry about that, fellow do-gooder! I shouldn't have assumed just because of what you were wearing! How silly of me! As if anyone follows those silly clichés anymore!"
Kyle waved his hand in the air frantically. The leader of the shady figures ignored it. "Well thanks, Princey. See you later." Forde and Orson moved out of the way to let the wagon roll by, the three mysterious figures walking alongside it.
"Such nice gentlemen. Oh, Kyle, sorry. Go ahead, I guess."
Kyle sighed in relief, then pointed at the one-handed man. "What happened to his hand?"
"How should I know?"
Kyle looked at the wagon, then raised his hand again, hissing "ooh, oooooh!" as he did. Ephraim sighed again, pointing at him.
"Why is there a little girl tied up in the back?"
"Oh I don't know, probably because those gentlemen are kidnapping her and taking her to the psychotic emperor. Like they just said, silly!"
Forde tugged at his ponytail. As in, the one on his head, not the one on his horse. "Shouldn't we rescue her then?"
"Huh? Oh… Well, I guess that might be a good idea. CHARGE!"
The two cavaliers and the Prince charged at the wagon from behind, lances ready. Orson, feeling left out as usual, didn't do anything for fear of hogging experience.
"Are they…"
"They are. So much for 'heroic'. Let's slaughter their ugly faces." The three shady figures turned, drawing weapons. The one-handed one attempted to use nunchuks, but found it was rather difficult with only one hand. The leader drew two daggers, while the other guy drew his steel broadsword. "You asked for it, pansy Renais monkey men!"
"Boss, you need to work on your insults. That was just embarrassing."
"Shut up. No one asked you."
Ephraim, typically, engaged the leader. With a "Hyaaaaa-ha!" that sounded most heroic, he stabbed at the man. The enemy dodged, darted forward, and slashed across Ephraim's chest with his blades.
Kyle tried basically the same attack against the sword-wielder, only with the advantage of a steed. It did not help. The opponent grabbed his lance and pulled him off his horse, flinging him to the side.
Forde, rather happy that he got the crippled one, was shocked and dismayed when he missed and received a nunchuk to his face.
"Aw shoot!" Ephraim howled, as the leader managed to leap and kick him with both feet at once and still land standing, "These aren't generic grunts! They're actually skilled fighters!"
Orson glanced over from the magazine he was reading. "Want my help?"
"That's okay, we're fine!" Kyle said, as the sword-wielder repeatedly kicked him in the stomach.
"Says you!" Forde was too busy running away from the nunchuk-wielder to attack.
"Geez, can't you losers do ANYTHING without my help?" The abrasive, angry, and generally unpleasant voice of the tactician Karson interrupted the out of place conversation. The red-haired woman, looking angry (as usual), stomped over to where Kyle was being kicked.
"Kyle, roll over, grab your lance, and stab him!"
"Oh… why didn't I think of that?" Kyle did as he was told, and managed to knock the warrior off balance.
"Now throw it at stumpy over there!"
"I RESENT THAT, YOU ANGRY WITCH! IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY HAND WAS BITTEN OFF- GWAH!"
"Well you've got bigger problems than a missing limb now, bucko! Forde, Kyle, go help Ephraim! Surround the leader and do a triangle attack!"
Forde goggled at Karson. "But only Falcoknights can do that! And I'm pretty sure I'm not a pansy with a girly pegasus!"
"Do it already! I'm a tactician, so I can bend the rules of the cosmos to my every whim!"
The two cavaliers, Kyle missing his horse, stood behind the leader, who was easily dodging Ephraim's attacks and slicing at the Prince. The way they stood, the three knights of Renais formed a triangle around the enemy.
"Stop with the drama and attack him already!" Kyle and Forde charged just as Ephraim did. Lacking anywhere to run, the fighter was cut by all three lances, but managed to slip away before taking any fatal wounds.
"Crap, I can't believe two cavaliers and a Prince actually did a triangle attacks! And here I thought only pansy pegasus knights could do that!"
"That's what I said!"
Karson grinned nastily. "Another benefit to having someone as genius as me leading the team.
The leader spat, then turned to his only surviving companion, who did not look hurt at all. "Come on, Gerik. We're making our getaway now."
"What about the wagon? We can't leave the girl…"
"Emperor what's-his-name can come get her herself! I've got better things to do, and the wagon goes too slow to escape with. Now come on!" With that, the two shady figures disappeared in a token cloud of smoke.
Ephraim cheered. "We did it!"
Karson grimaced. "All thanks to ME! You losers would have been killed if I hadn't come along!"
Ephraim ignored her and went to the wagon, cutting the small girl loose. "Are you al-"
He was shocked to be punched in the face, and then propelled away from the wagon by a very angry little girl. "What took you losers so long to rescue me?! I've been stuck listening to these idiots argue for two days now! And why did you let them steal my dragonstone?! You couldn't have gotten that?! And where is Saleh?! He was supposed to take care of me! Now who is going to get me to the source of the dark energy?! Huh? WHO?!"
Karson rubbed her temple in frustration. "Thanks a bundle, Princey. Now we have another basket case to take care of. Between Picasso, Brownnose, Zombie, and the Idiot Prince, we're practically a circus!"
"And furthermore… I demand some funnel cake THIS INSTANT!"
After more screaming and funnel cake, the girl was calmed down enough to reveal that her name was Myrrh and that she was on a sacred mission to save Magvel from a mysterious doom that she did not know the details of.
"And you people shall be helping me!"
"Of course! That's what heroes do!"
"You people are such losers… Why oh WHY couldn't that moron Fado have sent Mathwin to this waking nightmare?!"
