Now

I was doing it again. Listening to Edward's latest CD.

It was like I was trying to cause myself pain but I suppose that was preferable to the numb state I had been living in since I walked out of Edwards's life for good.

It had to be done, I reminded myself for the zillionth time in 8 years. For me, for Nessie. For Edward too.

He would have never gotten his life back together if I hadn't left. But after two Edward-less days I changed my mind. But by then it was too late. He had already moved on with a peroxide-blond with fake tits, fake lips, fake everything.

Now he hated me and I was alone.

I couldn't function for a solid two weeks after that. I stayed in bed, barely even able to interact with my daughter. Thank god for Alice. I couldn't even listen to music.

I went about the business of pretending to be okay. 'I'm fine' became my mantra. My life was a hollow shell of what I used to be and the hole Edward left in my chest was ever present.

And then I started hanging out with Jake.

Jake quickly became my best friend, providing a bit more light to my life that had previously only been provided by Nessie. Jake was the son of Charlie's oldest and best friend from Forks, Billy Black. When Jake moved to LA after dropping out of high school to help open a new body auto shop, Charlie promised Billy that we would take good care of his son.

I was fairly sure that Jake had been in love with me for years, even when Edward and I were together and I was pregnant with Nessie. He helped me regain some since of my old self and put the pieces back together so I had some semblance of a life back. He loved me pre and post Edward, or before and after as I often thought of these two separate Bella's.

I was not the same person I was then.

About a year ago Jacob started to make his feelings clear. He brought me flowers and took me to fancy restaurants. He courted me in the sweetest fashion. Until finally he grew frustrated with my hesitation, Jake screamed his love at me and kissed me so passionately I had actually felt something.

Even if our love was a pale fraction of what I knew I was capable of, it made him happy and I owed him everything.

I had to pull it together for Jake, the guy who loved me. He was the guy who would be arriving shortly to take me to Jasper's birthday dinner.

So I picked myself up off my bed and moved to my closet where I went through the motions of getting ready for the big family dinner.

15 minutes later I was just slipping the birthday cake I had been ordered to make out of the fridge when my front door flew open with a bang.

"Honey, I'm home," barked Jacob Black from the hallway, making me smile.

"In the kitchen," I called back, giggling at our odd little domestic display. I turned toward him as I felt his big warm arms come around my waist.

I reached my hand out to touch his face and gave him a quick kiss.

"Look at how clean you are!" I exclaimed, as I took in his fresh clothes missing the grease that usually adorned his body. Jake ran an up scale auto shop that specialized in "pimping peoples rides." As a result, he rarely came over clean. My house was closer to the shop then his apartment and he preferred to shower here instead.

"Hey, Alice scares me. I wouldn't want to show up late or dirty to her husbands birthday shindig."

"What is with the domestic routine?" I asked as I pulled away from him to grab a sweater and find the pumps I discarded when I got home from work.

"Just trying to show you how great it will be when you finally let me move in here." He said giving me a cocky grin.

I groaned.

We had been having this debate for the last month. Jake wanted to live together, to "take things to the next level", but I was far from ready. Plus I didn't want to disturb Nessie's life further. I knew it was hard on her, not having parents that were together and I didn't want to add another complicated male relationship into the mix. She loved Jacob, that was for sure, but I still got the feeling that Nessie had ideas of Edward and I getting back together.

"Well two bad I am not a housewife and you will not be living here anytime soon." I said, irritated that we were having this debate again. My mood had lifted at the sight of him, like it always did but was threatening to go under again as we argued.

"Ok, I am willing to negotiate," he said, popping his hip on the counter top and crossing his arms over his wide, muscled chest. "How about you let me spend the night, even if Nessie is here."

"Nope," I said, holding firm on that rule too. Nessie came first and I didn't want to make life any more confusing for her. "She isn't here on weekends, two nights of week will just have to be enough."

"Come on Bells, she knows we are a couple. I mean you could just tell her that we are having a sleep over or something."

"I am not explaining that to my ten year old, she is at a very impressionable age." I said, finally locating my shoes and holding them in the air in triumph.

"Oh come on, do you really think Edward doesn't have sleep over's when she is staying with him?" I stopped mid way thought putting my shoes on.

It was his name again, twice in one day. I closed my eyes and willed away that familiar hole that had reopened up inside of my chest at the thought of Edward's never ending merry go round of girlfriends. It was so hard, having a famous ex whose conquests were always in the press.

Jake froze at the look on my face when I finally rose after getting my shoes on. His face crumbled as he realized he brought up the one topic I was not ok discussing.

"Look, Bella, I am sorry—" He began.

"We should head out though." I said, silencing his apology. I didn't want to deal with this and I blabbered in an attempt to hide how upset I truly was. "Alice has had Nessie all afternoon and I shudder to think of what they have been up too. Grab that cake will you? I'll drive."

We got into the car while I chattered non-stop. I didn't want to hurt Jacob with the knowledge that Edward could still hurt me. I had done a very good job in recent years, hiding my lingering feelings for Edward. For Jake's sake, I had to pretend that I no longer thought about or cared about Edward Cullen.

I started the ignition and completely blew that allusion right out of the water. As the car powered up, so did the sound system. Over my speakers blared Edwards tormented voice, crooning about sunshine lost. I quickly jabbed the off button and turned wide-eyed to Jacob, hoping he would not have noticed.

I was not so lucky and Jake was no idiot.

His face was as stone mask of rage. He knew how I felt about Edwards's music; he had seen the state I was in the last time Edward came out with a CD. Me listening to this meant I still cared.

"Bella," he practically growled, "What the hell was that?"

"Jacob, don't be mad it is nothing. Nessie—" I tired to explain it away. Nothing I could say would take away the pain I put in his eyes. I was the scum of the earth for hurting someone so good.

"You are listening to his new CD. I can't believe it. You said you were going to avoid it, that it wasn't worth getting worked up over. And don't give me that Nessie shit, you didn't pick her up today. Alice did. You were listening to it yourself. Are you even trying to get over him Bella?" His voice had steadily increased in volume as he went on. His rage was filling my small car and I resisted the urge to get out, run to my bed, and listen to Edward's music on my iPod.

"Jake, I am over him. Really I am. I was just curious."

We sat in silence for several minutes while I waited for him to speak.

"Are you ever going to love me like you loved him?" He whispered, suddenly quiet now. I took in a sharp breath.

I told him, when he first started his intense perusal of me, that I was broken. That I didn't think I would be able to give him what he wanted. He said that he would be happy just taking what I could give. I thought we had gotten passed this fact, but Jake saw how I was with Edward. He knew what he was missing.

"I am giving you everything I have, Jacob." I assured him, placing a hand on his back.

He shook me off and abruptly got out of the car.

"I can't go tonight Bella, I just… I cant." And with that he got in his vintage Mustang and was gone.

I sighed, laying my head on the wheel for a moment before I put the car in reverse. Pausing momentarily, I finally turned the stereo back on and cranked the volume to further drowned out my thoughts.

I was late to Jasper's birthday extravaganza and my sister was going to kill me. It couldn't be avoided though; I needed some time to collect myself after my fight with Jake. While sitting in my car out front of the Whitlock Residence, I tried to figure out what to do. I hated hurting him, but I really was doing my best to hide my Edward obsession. My only other option was to break up with him.

Maybe that would be for the best.

As quietly as possible I slid in through the front door. I was trying to be sneaky. My plan was to just melt into the festivities inconspicuously and pretend like I had been there 20 minutes ago.

I shut the door quietly before turning around and tip toeing down the hall.

"Shit!" I squealed, as I turned and almost ran straight into Alice who stood before me with her arms crossed, tapping her foot while she glared at me. "Damn Alice! You scared me. My heart is going to fly out of my chest. "

"You are late. And where is Jake? And Dad?" Alice yelled as she jabbed her finger into my shoulder. All 5'1" of her was vibrating with fury at me. I stared down at her and tried to look apologetic.

A lot had changed since our high school days. Alice used to be the darling of the under ground punk scene in LA. In high school she was all about the heavy make up, tattoos, and outlandish, though still designer, attire. Though this was mostly an attempt to distance herself from the rich girl personal I managed to carve out for myself.

Even then Alice loved clothes, something she translated into her professional life as a celebrity stylist. She was actually the one to keep me clothed in designer duds. It would have horrified the Groupies to know that badass Alice Swan was laying out one of their owns outfits every night.

"Well, you see, the thing is, Jake and I got into a fight on the way over here and I just needed to, you know, recover." I finally explained.

Alice's look of intense rage shifted into one of sympathy when she saw how upset I was.

"Oh, Bella. What happened?"

"Well when we got in the car—"

"Mom! Hey you are finally here," Nessie came tearing out of the kitchen and flew straight into my arms. "Aunt Alice let me wash all the fruit for the salad and then Uncle Jasper gave me this brush to mar-nate the fish—"

"Marinate sweetheart."

"Yeah that. Did you know that that Uncle Jasper is 30 years old! Can you even believe how old that is?" She asked me as she led me by the hand to the kitchen. I gave Alice a look behind my back to let her know I would fill her in when we got a chance.

"Nessie, in two years I am going to be thirty!" I explained to my daughter, hoping that I would not have the same reaction when I turned the big 3-0.

"Oh man. You are like a grandma or something." I found this extremely funny, being as I was one of the youngest parents of all Nessie's school friends.

"You best be kidding darling daughter." She grinned at me, flashing the crooked smile that was so similar to her fathers, before she pranced off to join Jasper who was on the back porch checking on the salmon and chatting with Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper's Aunt Elizabeth.

This whole thing really was a very minor family affair. I though Alice would have gone all out for Jasper's big 3-0, but apparently he put his foot down. It was a rare thing, but Jasper was the only one who was able to change my sister's mind.

"Well??" Asked the stubborn little pixie.

"So first Jacob was pressuring me to move in together again so things were already tense."

"Humm…" Alice said, closing her eyes and concentrating very hard on something. I knew she was not for me and Jacob getting together in the first place. She said my reasons for dating him were all wrong.

"Then we got in my car and when I turned it on he got rather upset about the music that was playing," I said, losing my steam. I did not want to admit to the fact that I couldn't stop listening to his new CD.

"And what music was that Bella? Because Ness mentioned that Edward gave her an advanced copy of the new CD."

"Yes, well you see—"

"Hey kids!" I breathed a sigh of relief. I was momentarily spared from Alice's tough love lecture by my father who then entered the kitchen with his wife Kathleen and son Collin in tow.

"Hey Dad," Alice and I said in unison. He put an arm around each of us then kissed Alice on the forehead and then me, much like he had been doing since I could remember.

"Bella! Where is Nessie?" Collin was 3 months younger then Nessie and they had been best friends since they were crawling. Though it was a bit strange that Collin was actually Nessie's uncle, the two found the whole concept quite funny.

"Hello to you too, kid." I teased as I tucked a strand of his blond hair behind his ear, "She is out back."

"Mom I am going out back!" Collin declared before running around the kitchen table and out the French double doors.

"Hey no running in the house!" Kathleen called after her son before air kissing both Alice and I. "I swear that boy wakes up with more energy every day," she laughed.

"It is the same with Nessie," I agreed. "Did you hear all about this bug unit they are doing? Ness is super excited about it but I just do not get the attraction to bugs."

The adults chatted around the granite island in the middle of the kitchen while Alice finished the salad, checked on the vegetables, and pulled bread out of the over. She was such a health nut, I would bet my entire shoe collection that the whole meal would be under 100 calories. And it would be beyond delicious.

By 7:30 Rosalie stormed in, fuming about traffic in LA and her boyfriend's ukulele obsession. We all smiled politely with out really knowing what was going on. Sometimes with Rose and Emmett, it was best not to ask.

"Rosalie, I swear, you need to just marry that boy," said Elizabeth as she came inside, followed by Esme and Carlisle.

"Thank you so much for your support Mom," Rose said before kissing her mother and Esme on the cheek.

"I happen to agree with your mother darling," Esme said before turning to hug me.

Greetings continued and more hugs were shared. I really did love my family, but it was apparent at all such gatherings exactly who was missing. We really were just a confusing, dysfunctional bunch. Here I was with my ex's parents, his best friends one of which was my sister, his brother's girlfriend who was also one of my best friends, and our daughter. It was beyond absurd that he wasn't here too.

Jasper came in with the kids in tow and was immediately bombarded with birthday wishes as we were all settled down to dinner.

"Jasper, this is amazing" Kathleen crooned as she dug into her second helping of salmon. "I simply must get the recipe."

"Because you cook so much Mom," Collin snorted.

"I cook! Right Charlie?" She said, appealing to my father for help.

"Sorry honey, but when Bella and Alice lived at home there was a lot less take out in the Swan residence."

I smiled, enjoying this healthy banter between the people I cared about most in the world.

"I am one lucky man," Jasper smiled as her squeezed Alice's hand. I winced internally at the easy affection between the two. It was something I was sure to never have again. Edward truly had spoiled me for anyone else.

"This is one lucky household," Rosalie commented as she took a healthy sip of wine. "Both of you are great in the kitchen. The best Emmett or myself are capable of is mac-and –cheese. The kind from the box mind you."

"Aw, Aunt Rose. That is easy. Even I can do that!" Nessie exclaimed. Teasing the Amazon across from her that was not technically her aunt. But Rose was Jasper's cousin and her uncle's long time girlfriend, so Nessie had seen plenty of her growing up.

"I know Nessie, I have completely failed as a parent. You would think either Esme or I would have rubbed off on one of them." Elizabeth laughed.

"So where is Emmett? Busy with tour plans and all that?" Charlie asked, leaning back in his chair after he inhaled his meal.

"Oh he is with the band. They have been practicing nonstop. It is driving me crazy."

My heart soared with all these allusions to Edward. That was all I ever got from my family.

When we first broke up it became clear that it was going to be a tricky situation, our lives overlapped too much. At these big family get-togethers, everyone went through a lot of trouble not to mention Edward in front of me. It was like they were taking it upon themselves to erase the fact that he ever existed from my mind. Even his own parents said very little about him.

People were still careful. His name was rarely spoken. In the first few years, I would brace myself to see him when we all got together. But I quickly learned from Alice that Edward didn't want to make things harder. He gracefully declined all invitations that I would be attending. I insisted that he should be there too, but he never showed. It was like I got our friends in the divorce.

If we had ever been married that is.

He probably had no desire to see me anyway. And who could really blame him after what I did.

Rosalie progressed to tell us about their upcoming trip to Hawaii and the long, hard negotiation required to get Emmett the time off. Carlisle then told entertaining stories of his own honeymoon that left Esme blushing.

After dinner, Charlie and Jasper took the kids to the beach for a walk as Alice, Rosalie, and I cleaned the kitchen. The moms, as they called themselves retired to the back deck to lounge by the pool with their refilled cocktails.

"So," Rosalie said, rounding on me as she put the left over fish into some Tupperware. "I heard you had a bit of an altercation with the mutt."

I glared at her for showing, once again, her open dislike of Jake, and at my sister for, once again, failing to keep from blabbing my business.

"I wish you wouldn't call my boyfriend that Rose."

"What? He is a mongrel and I plan to continue calling him as such." I still had a hard time figuring out Rosalie's dislike of Jake. From the get go they rubbed each other wrong, fighting about who was the better mechanic and who knew the most useless car trivia. "But the point is. You have been listening to Vampire Sunrise."

I blushed, something I only did in conjunction with anything Edward.

"HA!" Rose said in triumph, "You are blushing. You have. "

I looked pleadingly at my sister for help.

"Bella it is the truth," Alice said as she shrugged her tiny shoulders, "things would be a lot easier if you just told us this sort of thing. You know how I hate having to drag it out of you. Which I always do."

"Are you kidding," I asked, indignant, " you love dragging it out of me!"

She gave me that wicked pixie grin and looked at me in a way that told be resistance was futile.

'Fine! I have been ok. Nessie came back on Sunday all excited, waving it around. She fell asleep listening to it and I got curious. That is all. I just wanted to see how it was from a purely professional stand point."

"You are so full of shit." Rose said.

"Sooo full," Alice commented helpfully as she passed me clean pans to dry.

"The point is," I said loudly in an attempt to control the conversation, "Jake got the wrong idea and he thinks that I am not over Edward. I mean, give me a little credit, it has only been what? Like a decade since we broke up? And then 5 years since I have actually seen him. I am not that pathetic and ridiculous."

"Whatever you say Bella. I would like to believe you. But you just are not rational when it comes to his music. Do you remember when Breaking Dawn came out and you skipped town with that creep?" Rosalie pointed out.

I would never live that particular mistake down.

"It is different now. I have Jake and I am happy." I repeated the mantra in my head, trying to make the words fact.

'Except Jake isn't here Bella." Rose said, causing me to lose my thunder.

"Bella," Alice said, taking my face in her hands. "You are not going to end up with Jake. It just isn't going to work out that way. "

Alice and her uncanny ability to predict the future was something I got used to long ago. The scary part was that she was usually right.

"Then who am I going to end up with?" I said, genuinely pissed now, I threw the pan I was cleaning into the soapy water below. "Do tell, because I am starting to think I am just going to end up alone."

"Well, if you really want me to tell you I can, but it might ruin everything."

I had no idea what she was talking about and suddenly exhausted, I just wanted a change in subject.

"Can we lay off the Bella shit show for now please?" I asked my two best friends. "Rose tell us about all the naughty things you have planned for Emmett in Hawaii."

Rose smiled an evil grin and I knew that I was successful in my change of topic. Something that had not escaped Alice's attention as she looked at me as if to say 'hey missy, this conversation isn't over and I am going to keep bugging you till your life is in order.' I pretended not to see her as I focused on Rose.

"Well," she smirked, "He has this ukulele…"

~*~*~

The evening wore on and by the time the cake was cut and happy birthday was sung, I was emotionally drained. It had been a long day, between work, and the new CD, and the fight with Jake, and the discussion with the girls, all I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and stay in bed for days.

"Damn Bella, I am so glad that you made this and not Alice, I can actually taste the butter. Yummm…" Jasper sighed as he savored a piece of his German chocolate birthday cake, made from scratch I might add.

Alice kicked her husband from her perch on the counter, but seemed to be enjoying her full fat, full sugar slice as well.

The front door opened and the sound of heavy footsteps reached us in the kitchen.

"Well, well, well. Look who showed for dessert." Jasper snickered at Emmett who returned the greeting with a birthday punch to Jasper's shoulder.

"That's my man, always getting here for the good stuff." Rose laughed as she let Emmett lick a glob of frosting off her cheek.

"Tasty" He said. "Though seriously, happy 30th you old man." As Emmett greeted the rest of the family, I moved to the counter to cut him a slice of cake. As I did, a set of familiar warm arms and a woodsy sent came around me.

"Hey," Jacob whispered in my ear.

"Hey," I said, whispering back. I pulled away long enough to hand Emmett his piece and cut another for Jake before letting him pull me close to his side.

We stood like that in silence for a while, eating our cake and watching the humorous banter before us. I leaned on Jake and hoped that I wouldn't hurt him again. He was always there for me, showing up just when I was feeling depressed to make me smile.

"It is going to be ok," was all he said before we made our goodbyes and went home.

By the next day, Jake and I had reached a tacit agreement to remain tacit. There would no be long, heart wrenching discussion dissecting our issues. Jacob wanted to ignore our fight and his accusations while I was more then happy to let him take the lead.

An overriding part of me said I should end it, before things got even more serious. But I had no desire to hurt him so I decided to just go with the flow until I could straighten my head out. After the newness of his CD things would go back to normal and I would deal with Jake.

The truth was, I liked being someone's girlfriend again. I missed knowing that I would always have a date on weekends or someone to hold my hand when I had a rough day.

Not only that, I liked Jacob. Even loved him, in my own limited way. But I was more then willing to give that up to see that Jake would be with someone he deserved. Someone who could love him with everything they had and wanted him with a burning passion. Except for now, I was what Jake wanted.

So things would remain how they were and I would be content with the memories of what it felt like to want something that much.