If it weren't for Kuroo banning him from coming to the gym, Shibayama wouldn't have gone to the hospital. Although, if he had gone straight home instead, he would feel incredibly guilty about it but he knew he would make up excuses not to go if he did. He would loiter outside until someone called the police or asked him to leave. Staying at school wasn't an option either. He knew he had to see Yaku, knew he had to talk to him. He just didn't have enough confidence to do so.
Inuoka flew into his classroom after school was over. "Yuki! Let's go!" he shouted. Shibayama ducked his head and gave apologetic looks to his classmates when they shot looks of annoyance at him. He picked up his bag and reluctantly headed out with Inuoka.
"Um…where are we going…?" Shibayama asked as Inuoka dragged him down the stairs.
"To the hospital. Kuroo-san told me not to come to practice if I don't take you there personally," Inuoka answered. He never looked back at him, just kept stalking forward. "This is really important, Yuki. You have to talk to Yaku-san so you can be happy again. After three weeks, you're still sad. You were always so happy before but now, you never smile."
"But don't you…" Shibayama trailed off. He shook Inuoka's hand off from his wrist and took a step back. "Don't you blame me? For what happened? Because of me, we're not going to go to Nationals. The third-years' dream won't come true because of me…"
"No one blames you, Yuki. Yamamoto-san doesn't. Kenma-san doesn't. Kuroo-san doesn't. I don't. If all of us don't then Yaku-san won't either. But you won't know until you ask him, right? So, let's go. To the hospital." Inuoka nodded at him. Shibayama nodded back and they continued down the stairs to head to the shoe lockers.
The hospital was two train stops away from the high school. When they entered, the lobby was buzzing with activity, from patients chatting with nurses or visitors, to doctors and nurses hurrying to and fro their destinations. Inuoka led the way to the elevator, riding it up to the fifth floor. He headed down the hallway toward Yaku's hospital room, walking slowly so he wouldn't make a ruckus. Behind him, Shibayama was starting to panic. What was going to happen? How would Yaku react? Can he actually talk to his senpai face-to-face after avoiding him for three weeks?
"Here we are." Inuoka stopped in front of a closed door. Yaku's name was written on the small whiteboard hanging beneath the room number. He nudged Shibayama forward. "Go on. Knock on the door and go inside."
Shibayama stared at the characters in Yaku's name, repeating them in his mind over and over. His heart was racing and he felt overwhelmed, nervous, and anxious. He resisted the urge to turn and run down the way they had come from, despite knowing Inuoka would catch him eventually. Besides, he was still banned from club activities until he saw his senpai…
"Just go in, Yuki! Open the door and tell Yaku-san what you want to say to him!" Inuoka slid the door open for him. He called out, "Excuse me! It's Inuoka and Shibayama! We're coming in, Yaku-san!"
"Inuoka!" Shibayama hissed. "What if Yaku-san is sleeping? What if this isn't his room? What if he went home already? C-come on, let's go back…"
Inuoka pulled him inside until they were standing at the foot of Yaku's bed. Their senpai watched them enter, looking bewildered at first, but then smiling in greeting at his underclassmen. "Good afternoon, Yaku-san!" Inuoka chirped. "We're here to visit you!"
"Thank you for coming, Inuoka." Yaku turned to face Shibayama but the first-year merely ducked his head to avoid eye contact. "Welcome, Shibayama. Thank you for coming." He didn't say anything in response.
"Where did all of your stuff go, Yaku-san?" Inuoka asked, noticing how empty the room was. Before, every nook and cranny was occupied with books, food, or entertainment. All that remained now was a book and his phone resting on top of it and a brown takeout bag beside it.
"My mom brought everything home since I'm being discharged tomorrow," he answered. His eyes were still focused on Shibayama. "I'm coming back to school next week too."
"Really? That's great! We'll help you out however we can," Inuoka said. He nudged Shibayama. "Say something, Yuki! Don't just stand there."
Shibayama's head snapped up to face his senpai. "Yaku-san," he blurted. "I…um…I…"
He trailed off, unable to continue his sentence. He looked away again, guilt sweeping through him as he scolded himself for being unable to say something so simple. I'm sorry. The words were simple yet carried so much meaning. He wanted to put meaning behind those words but if he could never say them aloud, it was just an unspoken apology.
Yaku caught Inuoka's eye. He gave him a small nod, indicating he should leave. Inuoka slipped around Shibayama and headed out, closing the door behind him. Silence hung over them as Yaku waited for him to speak the unspoken but Shibayama remained standing, his eyes focusing on his shoes than anything else.
This isn't going to work, Yaku thought. He said, "Shibayama, can you call for a nurse?" his kouhai raised his head when he added, "I haven't been outside all week."
"Y-yes! Okay!" Shibayama turned and bolted out of the room, leaving the door half open in his wake. Yaku wondered briefly if he was never going to come back.
Fortunately, he did, along with a nurse, who helped him into a wheelchair. Shibayama pushed him down the hallway to the elevator, riding it down in silence. He followed the signs to head out into the courtyard. Other patients and nurses and visitors milled around on the lawn, engaged in their own conversations while Yaku and Shibayama remained wreathed in silence. A cool breeze stirred stray leaves, making them dance in the air. A red leaf drifted down from above and landed on Yaku's lap. He picked it up and examined it, then looked up from where it had come from. Autumn was coming. The start of the tournament was approaching. He would be there for when it happened but he could only be a spectator, not a player.
"You can stop here." They arrived at a bench in the middle of the walkway. Yaku handed him the takeout bag his mom had left him earlier during the day. "Have an onigiri," he said. "You must be hungry after school."
"Oh…t-thank you, Yaku-san…" Shibayama accepted it graciously, taking the one that looked smaller. He took the other one out to hand to Yaku, which he took with his serviceable arm. He took a bite into it and prompted Shibayama to do the same.
Neither of them spoke while they ate. Yaku finished his first while Shibayama nibbled on his hesitantly, as if he could delay the inevitable for as long as he could. Yaku asked, "Did Kuroo really ban you from going to practice so you would have no choice but to come? Did he ask Inuoka to take you?"
Shibayama couldn't find the words to speak so he simply nodded. Kuroo wasn't lying in his text, then. It seemed like something he would do and since Shibayama respected his upperclassmen, he had no choice but to obey. "I'm glad you're here. You'd might not ever come otherwise."
His kouhai shook his head in agreement, still refusing to look at him. Yaku fixed his gaze on a tree in the distance. "Kuroo told me about the practice match. He said you did well for your first match as a regular."
Silence answered him. Yaku tried again with, "How have the practices been? Kuroo and Kai told me how you've been improving over the year. What do you think, personally?"
There was no response. Yaku let out a breath and turned to face his kouhai. "Shibayama. Please look at me." Slowly, Shibayama obeyed, his dark eyes gleaming with unshed tears. "What is it that you want to tell me?"
"I…I'm sorry." His voice was low and quiet. "It was…my fault…that you were injured so badly. Because of me…I'm going to bring the team down because my receives aren't good enough…if we don't make it to nationals…it's because of me. Yaku-san, I…I'm really sorry…about what happened…"
Tears streamed down his cheeks and stained the walkway beneath him. Yaku remained silent, letting him cry freely. His shoulders shook with sobs, his voice wavering as he released the emotions he had been keeping bottled for so long. "I'm sorry…I'm really sorry…it was my fault…I don't want to replace you, Yaku-san. I just…I just wanted to play for Nekoma…"
Yaku reached forward to place a comforting hand on Shibayama's shoulder. "Don't feel sorry," he said softly. "It wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault. No one blames you, Shibayama, because what happened couldn't be stopped. Even if we didn't go inside…even if we didn't spend the day together at all, there would've been a chance for one of us to have been injured during the quake. It might've been possible for one of us to be injured from something else. Don't think we're not strong enough to win. It isn't over until it is. Everyone has healed and moved on. You need to do that too, Shibayama."
"I can't," Shibayama said forlornly. "I'm not good enough…I won't ever be as good as you, Yaku-san. I'm going to bring the team down, and…and…"
"Shibayama, stop thinking about replacing me or trying to be as good as me. I have two more years' worth of experience than you. You still have a long way to go and a lot to learn." Yaku have him a small, reassuring smile. "All of us have our own playing style, even a libero. There'll be plays where you can save the ball and they'll be plays when you can't, no matter how hard you try. No libero can save every ball. Our job is to support our team and help them score by connecting the ball to them. That's what makes us unique."
He lowered his arm and fixed his gaze on him. "Do you remember what I said? Nekoma is known for their receives, that our team is known as the kings of receives. You're a king now, Shibayama, but when you reach your third year, you'll be the emperor. You're not replacing me. You're a libero and the team needs a libero on the court. You have to be there for them. It's as simple as that."
Shibayama's sobs and tears gradually ceased. Was it as simple as that? He was a libero and his team needed him. They had just enough players to play in the tournament but without him, they wouldn't be able to participate. "Yaku-san…" his voice was caught in his throat. He tried again. "I'll…do my best."
Yaku smiled, relieved. "Good. The team needs you more than ever, Shibayama. They'll support you the best they can but if they're in a pinch, you'll be the one to get them out of it because that is what a libero does." He suppressed a shiver when a strong breeze whisked by. "Thank you for coming. I'm glad…we were able to talk like this."
Shibayama opened his mouth to speak but Yaku cut him off. "You should go back to school. You'll need as much time to practice from now until the start of the tournament," he said. "I'll see you again in school. I'll stop by during practices too to help you if you need it. We'll work together."
"Right." Shibayama stood up. "I'll take you back to your room-"
"No, it's okay. I'll ask a nurse to help me. You can go first. I'll be fine." Yaku smiled at him. "I'll see you in school, Shibayama."
He shouldered his bag hesitantly. He didn't want to leave his senpai alone but if he had insisted, then he had no choice but to obey. "Okay. Thank you…Yaku-san. When you come back, I'll help you in any way I can. Please let me know and I'll do whatever you ask."
"Thank you. I'll see you in school." Yaku gave him a small wave as Shibayama turned to walk away. He disappeared into the distance, never once looking back, although Yaku wasn't expecting him to. He leaned back into his wheelchair, eyes turned upward as he watched a pair of crows fly by. The Battle at the Garbage Heap was going to happen without him but he didn't feel remorse. He was going to be there and he was going to watch his team emerge victorious.
A tear rolled down his cheek. Thank you, Shibayama.
Three and a half weeks later:
"Wow! There's so many people!" Hinata exclaimed. He ran toward the railing to admire the various team banners hanging from them and the teams gathered on the courts, warming up or practicing on the court. There was still time left before the first matches began for the day. "Is this bigger than the Sendai City Gym?"
Kageyama gave him an unhelpful answer as well as his usual "dumbass" at the end. Sugawara slipped passed them, eyes scanning the crowd for the person who had invited him out here in the first place. He started walking toward them. "Yaku!"
Yaku raised his head at the sound of his name. He waved at Sugawara as he and his teammates approached. "Glad you could make it, Suga-kun," he said in greeting. He gestured at Hinata and Kageyama standing against the railing, either arguing or talking enthusiastically. "Is anyone else with you?"
"Kozume told Hinata that your first match is today so he wanted to come. Kageyama overheard us planning our trip and wanted to join us too. The rest of them are still resting after the match." Sugawara sat down beside him. "Is Nekoma's match first? And Fukurodani?"
"Nekoma is playing on the middle court." Yaku pointed at his teammates huddled at their end of the court. "Fukurodani will be playing in the afternoon. That's why their cheering squad is quiet right now." He gestured at the group gathered behind the Fukurodani banner across from them.
"Is Kuroo a starting player for this match?"
"No. If we need him, though, he'll be substituted in with Inuoka. Our coach is hoping that won't happen since his arm is still delicate." Yaku's own cast was off too but it wasn't strong enough to use crutches so he had to use a wheelchair for a while longer.
Hinata and Kageyama came to them at Sugawara's voice. They greeted Yaku and sat down in the empty seats behind them. Yaku checked the time on his phone. Five more minutes remained until the start of the match.
Shibayama was quivering with excitement and nerves. He almost dropped the water bottle Inuoka handed to him, earning him a concerned look from his friend. "Are you okay?" he asked. Noticing his shakiness, Inuoka hit his shoulder lightly. "Don't be so nervous. Once you get on the court, it'd feel like we're practicing in the gym. Just do what you always do! You'll be fine!"
"Well said." Kai gave him an encouraging nod. "You'll be fine, Shibayama. You'll find your rhythm quickly and we'll be there to support you until you do."
"R-right!" Shibayama responded. Kuroo returned from shaking hands with the other team's captain and swept his gaze over each of them.
The referee blew his whistle for the teams to line up and greet each other. "Let's have a good game!" the players shook hands with one another and hurried back to their side for the last huddle before the match officially began. Kuroo addressed his team.
"This is our first match of the day. We're going to win and get to nationals. Karasuno already beat Shiratorizawa so now it's our turn to get there," he said. "Let's work together and win this."
"Right!" his teammates shouted in unison. Kuroo glanced at Nekomata but their coach had nothing else to add. They gathered around in a circle, fists raised.
"We're like the blood in our veins." Kuroo looked at each of them. "We must flow without stopping. Keep the oxygen moving so that the brain can function normally."
The players lined up on the court in their starting positions. Shibayama stood at the edge of the court, where he would take Inuoka's place since he was in the back row first. Lev, Kai, and Fukunaga were at the front and Kenma, Yamamoto, and Inuoka were in the back.
He raised his head, locating Yaku sitting behind their team banner. He recognized Hinata sitting behind him and his teammates too. They must've came to cheer for them. The whistle blew, indicating the start of the match.
"Nice serve, Yamamoto!" Yamamoto served and their opponents received it. Shibayama watched the ball being set toward the left, Lev and Kai jumping to block it. The ball is coming, Shibayama thought. The ball is coming…
Lev and Kai jumped for a block but they weren't fast enough and their block was thwarted. Shibayama dove instinctively and the ball bounced off of his arm. "Cover!" he called out. Kenma set it underhand for Kai, who spiked it, earning them a point.
"Nice save, Shibayama!" Lev praised him. Yamamoto echoed his words, Kenma giving him a nod of encouragement. Shibayama smiled sheepishly.
"Thanks…um, nice kill, Kai-san," he said. Kai smiled and gave him a thumbs-up.
"Let's keep the momentum going," he declared. "We're scoring the next one too!"
"Right!" as they hurried back to their positions, Shibayama glanced toward Yaku. He saw his senpai give him a thumbs-up, his expression as happy as ever.
Shibayama let out a breath. The whistle blew and his teammates called out, "One more time, Yamamoto!" Yes. One more time. I can do this one more time.
Let's win and let's go to nationals.
Author's Note: Here is the last chapter! I was going to break it into two but I'd rather have one long chapter than two short ones. I hope you enjoyed it!
So, wow, angst. It was difficult to write, honestly. I feel like I didn't go deep enough or explored enough but what do you think about it? Reviews are appreciated greatly!
I also have a Tumblr writing side blog called iwritehaikyuu-things! As the name implies, I write drabbles for the various characters that are too short to be posted here. It's still new and under heavy construction but there are some stories for viewing. Please check it out if you can!
The next fic to be uploaded will be a Karasuno Valentine's Day story. Please look forward to that!
Thank you for reading and for staying with this fic until the end!
Haikyuu! does not belong to me.
