Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rose leaves again. Running off to him, to my "Brother". I used to wallow, used to destroy things, but now… nothing. I feel nothing as I sit, unmoving, on the couch in the main room. I can feel the stares of my family, their pity, their love, their sadness. But I feel nothing.
Jasper shoots me a worried glance, I wonder in a detached sort of way if this is normal, or even healthy… And then we all hear the sound of gravel crunching under tires and the tell-tale sound of Rayvn's engine.
Esme is immediately at the door, opening it for my "little sister". I wonder if she knows, or if she's still in the dark. "Rayvn, sweety, what brings you here?" Esme asks, lovingly. Just like that first time, the night we first realized…
Rayvn's black hair is in a messy bun, her bright green eyes blood shot and puffy with tears. "Which one is it?" her voice cracks, "Just tell me it's not Alice…"
Alice is instantly at the door, pulling Rayvn into a hug. "I'd never do that to you, or to Jasper." She assures her closest friend, and Rayvn sags into Alice's arms with a sob and holds tightly to my small vampiric sister.
She walks in, her hair in the same messy bun, her eyes red and puffy. But instead of answering my Mother she starts toward me.
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I envy her, she feels the pain, I feel… nothing. The emptiness burns at me, the hallow feeling eats at my mind until I want nothing than to make it go away… I don't notice my family, lost in my own world of nothingness.
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
And then a searingly hot hand falls on my cheek. My eyes fly open and I see a world of pain and green. There is no pity in her eyes, only understanding. "Emmett," she whispers to me, "Emmett lets go for a run. Please."
Her hand leaves my face when I don't move, don't blink. I don't want to be here, but no where else appeals to me. The emptness nags at me. But Rayvn is determined, her hand grasps mine and she tugs. She looks like she's trying hard, but I hardly feel it. I hardly feel anything, just the numbness.
"Damn it Emmett, please!" I realize we are alone, the other's have left us to our own devices. Me to my numbness, and Rayvn to her pain. "Emmett, please…" She begins to break, she sags agaist me, her boneless body collapsing into my lap. She huddles against my cold, unmoving body and sobs. Her tears fall onto my shirt.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
But I don't care. I can't care. My Rose, my angel, no longer loves me. She leaves me whenever he calls, whenever he looks her way she runs.
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
And then tears, wet and burning, leak through my shirt and fall against my skin. The shock of them makes me take a breath. And the hunger, which I've left unfed for so long rises up in me, Rayvn's sweet, sweet blood calls to me. And the agonizing burn I feel, deep and hot.
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
And though I can't feel pain yet I feel so angry. I curl my arms around Rayvn's sobbing body and cradle her to me, forcing the hunger back, away from my small little sister.
How could Edward do this to her! She loved him, she'd done so much for him, put up with so much. And he runs away, again, this time to someone else. I thread my fingers through her black, black hair. She's so… tiny- barely 5'2" and only 110 lbs… I give her a good, long look. Has she lost weight?
Jasper's southern drawl interrupts my thoughts, "Yea, she looks terrible. Worse than you, but only because she can lose weight and cry." I look up at my brother and he gives me a small, sad smile, "At least you're here again."
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
And I realize how much my wallowing has hurt my family. How afraid they've been. "Sorry," I whisper, not wanting to disturb Rayvn as her sobs quiet and her heart beat slows to the deep, even rhythm of sleep.
He shrugs, but it is Esme who says softly, as her hand falls to rest on my shoulder, "There is no need to apologize, Emmett. We understand, as best we can."
And the love I know she feels for me makes me feel stronger. Still I feel no pain, still my broken and shattered heart is mostly numb, but I feel other emotions.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
And for weeks I have felt no pain, felt nothing. I move through the motions, slightly more alive than before. But every time she, my Rose, leaves my heart shatters again.
But I am not alone. Rayvn is there ten minutes after Rose leaves and we sit together. The heat of her body keeping my heart slightly thawed, slightly alive. Still able to feel some things.
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
I've heard her cry as she sleeps, I know the pain she feels. The pain I feel too. So I try to soothe her, because I cannot soothe myself.
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
She is never afraid of me, even on nights when my eyes are black as her hair. She curls against me and trusts. One night, in her sleep, she whispered my name.
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
Sometimes even when Edward is not with Rose she calls me, asks if I want to just… hang. And I always go. We have to be there for each other, and she always answers when I call…
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
So I look down at her, at the crying, beautiful woman in my arms. And then I stand, my movement wakes her from her grief induced slumber. I carry her outide before I throw her easily onto my back. "You'd better hold on," I caution her just before I run into the forest at full speed.
Her choked laugh/sob, her tears on my neck and shoulders, her searing body pressed to my back- My frozen heart thaws further, and I feel the walls keeping the pain away begin to crack…
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
And as we stand together on a cliff, hundreds of miles away, I feel my pain crash upon my like a tidal wave. And It feels so terrible, and so wonderful all at once that I fall to my knees and sob. And while I cannot cry Rayvn kneels beside me and she cries for both of us. For our lost loves, for our shattered hearts, and for our shattered lives.
~ "Pain" Three Days Grace
