Long time no write eh? Well an old roommate smashed my laptop and now i'm using my besties. well shall we continue?

Ch. 4

Paula Carlin always scared the shit out of me. Even after Spencer and I tied the knot she still continued to instill fear in my body. She always pressured me. She wanted the best for her daughter, and she wanted to make sure I was giving her just that. In the beginning of mine and Spencer's relationship, she was not all that supportive. She was heavily confused as to why her previously boy-crazy daughter was now interested in girls, let alone me. Paula always knew I was gay, and she had no problem with it, until I started dating her daughter. It took her awhile to come around, but eventually she did and she accepted our relationship, saying that I was the best person for Spencer. She wasn't even surprised years later when we announced that we were to be getting married. However; seeing the look she has on her face now, I don't think she's too happy to see me.

"Hello, Ashley. I can honestly say you are the last person I would expect to see on my doorstep," she all but seethed.

"Yeah, I know. I was just wondering if Spencer is here, and if I can talk to her?"

"I don't think she would want to speak with you right now. She told me what you said to her. I can't say I approve," she spoke as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Look, Paula," She raised an eyebrow, "Mrs. Carlin, sorry. I know I said some hurtful things but I feel like I had the right. My wife cheated on me, and now she is with child. And in all honesty I am confused, and I am scared. I don't know the first thing on how to take care of a baby. I can barely take care of myself. I was out of line. I get it, but now I want to go make things right. So if you would please let me in I would like to go and apologize," I pleaded.

Come on Paula show me some compassion!

She twists her mouth around slightly as if she were looking for the right words to tell me to fuck off, then surprisingly she uncrosses her arms, and steps aside opening the door wider.

"She's in her old room."

I nod my head in a thanking matter and quickly bound up the stairs that are still all too familiar to me. Once I reach the outside of her old, well I guess now current bedroom, I take a deep breath. It is ok I got this, I can do this. I quickly muster up all my energy and lightly knock on her door.

"Go away mom, I am not in the mood," I hear her sniffle. Great she has been crying. Way to go Davies. I open her door and step inside to see her laying down face first on her small twin sized bed. There is a box of Kleenex and a pint of chocolate ice cream on her bed side table.

"Sorry, to disappoint but I am not your mother."

She rapidly whips her body around and holds her knees to her chest furiously wiping her tears away.

"If you are here to insult me more you can just turn around and leave me alone," she whispers brokenly.

I move to sit of the end of the bed and I reach to put my hand over hers but she cringes away. Damn I really did break this girl didn't I.

"Spence," I stop and correct myself, I don't have the right to call her that anymore. "Spencer, I am not here to yell or insult you anymore. I am here to apologize. I was out of line last night. I should have never said any of those hurtful things to you, and I want you to know that I am truly sorry. I was hurt and my emotions got the better of me. I know that, that is no excuse but I am sorry. And I know sorry does not cut it, cause I said some fucked up shit but that is all I can say. That I am sorry, and I hope that maybe one day you can forgive me."

She does not say anything for a little awhile so I remove myself from her bed and start to make my exit when she softly speaks my name,

"Ashley."

I turn around hands stuffed in my pockets and stare into those beautiful eyes I fell in love with. Why did this have to be so hard? She pats the spot I previously occupied, and I accepted the seat gratefully. I smile awkwardly at her and she continues to speak.

"I am not gonna lie Ash, those things you said to me hurt, and I get it. I deserved it I ruined our marriage."

"You didn't deserve any of that Spence."

Her old nickname felt like velvet on my tongue, it would be so easy for me to forgive her and we could move on. But there was this part of me that just could not get over the fact that she let someone else touch her.

"I fucked up Ashley. I don't deserve your sympathy, but I do appreciate your apology."

"Good I'm glad. So you got rid of the house huh?"

"Yeah, I could not stand to stay there it was just too hard, and with the baby coming my parents told me they would help me out with trying to find a new place to stay, until then they said it's fine if I just stay with them," she shrugs slightly as she rubs her not yet showing stomach.

"Look Spencer, about the baby. I am confused and scared, and I don't know if I am fit to be a parent. But I want to be here for you and the baby because as much as I want to be mad and angry I can't." I lightly place my hand on her stomach and a small smile comes to my face," Because there is a chance that this baby is mine and that means that we created something beautiful together. I want to be there for my child Spencer. I do not want to be my father; I want to be better than him. So if this baby is mine I want to be in its life, even if it's not I still want to help you Spencer, because when it comes down to it I still care about you, and I don't ever want to watch you struggle."

She brushes a loose tear from her eye and smiles at me,"Thank you, Ash, that means a lot,"

"Now this does not mean we are getting back together I just want to help ok?"

She nods her head in agreement.

"So why don't I help you pack up your things and you can move into my apartment with me so I can take care of you and the little tyke?" I suggest.

"Ashley I could never do that. It's gonna be hard and I don't wanna be a burden-"I interrupt her words.

"Nonsense, I want to be here for you throughout this pregnancy. So let's pack up and go tell your parents ok."

"You are not gonna take no for an answer are you?"

I giggle lightly and shake my head. "Now come here Spence," I say as I hold my arms open and she scoots into my arms so we can embrace. I miss having her in my arms, the way her body feels against mine, the way she smells, everything.

I just wish things could have gone differently.