Chapter 4
Jack sat in his cabin the next day as Lady lay in front of the fireplace. Sam, the cat, wandered in and lay down beside her. Lady looked at Sam, then put her head down between her paws. They both closed their eyes and went to sleep.
The cloudy day outside matched Jack's mood as his thoughts turned to what Bev had said. He had already admitted to himself that he still loved Sam, but could he risk getting his heart broken again? Part of him wanted to call her but part of him resisted.
His cell phone rang.
"Hello."
"Jack, how ya doin?"
"I'm peachy, Daniel, just peachy" he said sarcastically.
"Well, you don't sound too peachy, Jack. What's going on?"
Daniel heard only silence. "Okay, you don't want to talk. I'll call later. Bye."
"No, no. Don't hang up."
"What's wrong, Jack?"
"She showed up here day before yesterday."
"She? She who?"
"Carter . . . uh, Sam. Why didn't you tell me she had left the Air Force?"
"Well, I started to but since neither one of you ever wants to discuss the other, I just didn't. She was unhappy is why she left. Unhappy about how her marriage turned out and the divorce. Even though she had a great career, it wasn't enough. She lost her drive and her passion, Jack. She couldn't take being at Stargate Command any longer, the place held too many memories of you. She missed you and she was miserable. Teal'c and I tried to talk her out of leaving. General Hammond also tried but she was adamant about it. I guess . . ."
"Guess what?"
"I guess she told you about the baby."
Jack leaned back on the sofa. "Yes, she did. I was sorry to hear that. Sam would be a terrific mom."
"I wanted to tell you when it happened but she wouldn't let me."
"I know."
"What else did she say?"
"She . . ."
Daniel waited.
"She told me she loves me."
A smile came to Daniel's face. "She did?"
"She did."
"And you said?"
"I didn't say anything. I just sat there."
Daniel shook his head. "Typical Jack O'Neill reaction."
"You know I'm not good at 'feelings' stuff" he moaned.
"Do I ever."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I know you're not good at 'feelings' stuff. Ever since I've known you, you never want to talk about your feelings with anyone."
There was a long silence.
"So, what are you going to do, Jack?"
"She gave me her cell phone number, she's staying at a hotel. Said she'd be here until Sunday."
"You going to call her?"
"I don't know. She hurt me when she married Pete."
"Yes I know, but she apparently apologized."
"Yes."
"Jack, Sam realizes she made a mistake but she wasn't the only one at fault in this complicated relationship."
Jack rubbed his eyes and spoke softly. "I know."
"You're still in love with her."
"Yes, I don't deny it."
"You two are really something, you know that? You've been in love with each other for years and you still can't work it out."
"I love her, Daniel, but trusting her, that's another matter. She has no idea what I went through when she married Pete and then she shows up here asking me to forgive her."
"I know she hurt you but you hurt her too. It had been four years since the zatarc test and neither one of you had mentioned it since it happened so she thought you didn't care any more. Instead of giving her a chance to choose between you and Pete, you did nothing. You just let her go and didn't say anything until the day before her wedding, then you threw her out of your house. Do you regret that?"
"Yes."
"You love her. She loves you. Here's my suggestion. First of all, call her. Get together and talk. Avoiding her is not going to solve anything. You need to open up to her, Jack, be honest with her. Tell her everything you're feeling, the good and the bad, get it all out in the open. Let her be honest with you too."
"She was very clear about her feelings."
"That's good. You need to do the same. Talking is the only way you're ever going to get everything resolved."
"I guess you're right."
"You and Sam are my closest friends, other than Teal'c, and I want both of you to be happy. But you're not going to be happy until you're together, right now you're both miserable. Teal'c and I witnessed you and Sam hide your feelings for years because of the regulations. When Sam married Pete, she came back from her honeymoon and I told her that you weren't here any longer. From the look on her face, I thought she was going to be sick and she literally had to sit down for a few minutes. I told her that you couldn't bear to see her every day. She tried to deal with you being gone but she missed you terribly. She and Pete started having problems. When she had the accident and lost the baby, I had never seen her so depressed. I wanted to tell you but she wouldn't let me. She needed you more than she had ever needed you before. Teal'c and I watched all of this happen and knew we couldn't do anything to help except offer our friendship and support. And now, you two finally have this chance to get it right. Swallow your pride and talk to her. Don't blow it, Jack."
--
The next morning after his conversation with Daniel and another sleepless night, Jack picked up the piece of paper that Sam had given him. He wanted to trust her, he really did. He wanted her with him for the rest of their lives. He could picture them getting married and Sam being pregnant. He could imagine them with their children, doing all those family things: fishing on the dock; hikes in the woods; picnics in the summer; building snowmen in the winter; see their children tear into their presents on Christmas morning and watch their children grow up. He could picture Sam and himself becoming even closer as they grew old together.
He walked to the window as tears came to his eyes and a thought ran through his head: being in love was indescribably beautiful but being hurt was unbelievable pain.
Turning from the window he quickly wiped his eyes, picked up his cell phone, took a deep breath and punched in her number.
--
Sam pulled into the parking lot of a large park, got out of her car and walked slowly around the grounds. After walking for awhile, she sat down on a bench as couples strolled by holding hands and watched as two teenagers threw a frisbee back and forth.
A woman came down the sidewalk pushing a stroller and holding the hand of a little girl about three years of age. The woman was just a few feet from her when the baby in the stroller began to cry. The woman stopped and picked up the baby. Sam watched as she gently bounced the baby in her arms and whispered to it.
Sam had to look away as a lump came to her throat and her eyes stung with tears. 'That could have been me and my baby' she thought to herself as she tried not to cry.
Her cell phone rang. She sniffed back the tears and quickly got the phone from her pocket.
"Hello."
"Sam."
Sam sat up on the edge of the bench. "Hi, Jack."
Jack paced the floor. "I was wondering uh . . . if you could . . . if we could . . . maybe . . . get together and . . . talk."
"I'd like that."
"Uh, okay. So, why don't you come here . . . to the cabin."
"Now?"
"Yes, unless you're busy."
"No, I'm not. I'll be right there."
"Okay. Bye."
Jack hung up the phone and felt his knees getting weak so he sat down on the bed.
Sam ran all the way back to her car, got in and gripped the steering wheel to keep her hands from shaking.
Her heart was beating fast as she drove up the familiar dirt road.
She got out of the car and just as she walked up on the porch, Jack opened the door and they looked into each other's eyes.
Jack could see that she was just as nervous as he was.
"Uh, let's sit on the dock." Sam followed and they sat down side by side in two lawn chairs.
Sam clasped her hands in her lap to keep them from shaking.
Jack gripped the arm of the chair with one hand and tapped the fingers of his other hand on his leg.
Sam looked out over the pond he had told her so much about over the years.
"I can see why you love it here. It's beautiful."
Jack nodded his head as Sam waited for him to say something.
They sat in silence a few moments and Jack glanced at her. "I've been thinking . . . about what you said."
Sam couldn't bring herself to look at him so she focused on a tree across the pond. "And?"
"I think . . . I think there are things we need to discuss."
"I agree."
"First of all, I know it took a lot of nerve to come see me."
"It wasn't easy but I had to apologize and tell you how I feel."
"I can hardly believe you gave up the Air Force and left the SGC since I know how much you loved your job."
"I just didn't feel I belonged there any more. It was never the same after . . . after you left. Too many memories and I no longer enjoyed what I was doing."
Jack watched her knuckles turn white.
"Sam, I knew I couldn't stay there after you and . . . after your wedding. It would have been too hard to see you every day and know that we would never have the chance to be together like I had hoped we would. I know it had been eight years but I would have waited another eight if that's what it would've taken. I never would have given up on us."
Tears pooled in Sam's eyes. "I ruined everything, didn't I?"
"I know you wanted a normal life, a husband and kids. I understand that, I really do. But I was hoping you'd have that with me and I was willing to wait. After we admitted our feelings for each other with Anise's nifty machine, I kept hanging on to that hope, that some day the system lords would be defeated, we wouldn't have to deal with the replicators any more and I could retire and we could be together, no matter how long it took."
Jack paused.
"I'm trying to be honest here and for once in my life be open with my feelings instead of shutting down like I usually do."
Sam wiped her eyes and looked at him. "I know you are and I want you to be."
Jack took a deep breath. "I kept thinking that we could still be friends, but after the day we argued at my house, I knew I couldn't see you any more. I couldn't go to the base and work with you and act like things were the same because they weren't and they never would be again. I wanted you to be happy but the selfish part of me wanted you with me and not Pete or anyone else. I had to be gone by the time you returned from your honeymoon. I knew we would never have our chance and facing you again was something I couldn't handle."
Jack stood up walked to the edge of the dock and put his hands in his pockets but kept his back to her. "The only thing that has ever upset me as much was when a bullet ripped through my son."
Sam stared at her hands as she tried not to cry.
Jack continued. "Hammond tried to talk me out of resigning. He knew the real reason I couldn't stay, he hadn't been blind to my feelings for you all those years, so he reluctantly let me go."
He turned to face her and raised his voice. "You gave up on us, Sam. Do you know how much that hurt?" He put his hand over his heart and tears came to his eyes. "You don't know what I went through the day you got married."
Sam put both hands to her mouth as tears spilled from her eyes.
"I loved Sara but my feelings for you went even deeper. The day we confessed our feelings for each other, I should have told you I didn't want things to stay as they had been. I shouldn't have agreed to leaving it in that room. I know you were trying to keep us from getting court martialed and you still had your career to think about."
Jack took a deep breath.
"I should've talked to you that day or soon thereafter but we pushed our feelings back under the rug where they had always been, left it in that room and acted like nothing had happened. We both made that mistake."
Jack stopped and swallowed the lump in his throat. "We should have found a way to be together right then and I was willing to try but you weren't. And now with everything that's happened since then, maybe we let it go too long."
Sam wiped her eyes. "Are you . . . are you saying you can't forgive me, that it's too late for us?"
Jack sat back down and put his elbows on his knees as he ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know."
Sam suddenly stood, walked to the place where Jack had just been standing and took deep breaths before turning to face him as he stared at the ground.
"I'm sorry, Jack. How many times do I have to say it? I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be. I'm just a human being who made the big mistake of marrying the wrong person. Yes, I wanted a family and as much as I wanted that with you, I didn't think it could ever happen. I don't know what else to say to you to get across how much I regret messing up both of our lives. If you can't forgive me, if you don't trust me, then I guess there's nothing left to say."
Jack looked up and they could see the pain in each other's eyes.
"Goodbye, Jack."
Sam hurriedly walked past him and headed to her car as Jack clasped his hands to the back of his neck and tears spilled down his cheeks.
TBC
