AS I STAND HERE


There was a love I meant to say. But as I stand here, looking at the happy dents in your cheeks, onyx eyes glimmering, and world so lit up it puts the sun to shame; the words stick to the walls of my throat, the courage lost in my heart.

There was a kiss I meant to give. But as I stand here, glaring at the two of you - at her - for giving you exactly the kiss I wanted to give; my feet take the appropriate step back, my clenched fists unravel themselves from their desire and my lips remain dry and terribly un-kissed.

There was a life I meant to live. One with you in it. One where you were it. But as I stand here, watching your every inhale and exhale, your every excited heartbeat as she gets closer and closer (her white hair glistening almost impossibly all the while), my eyes drop. My breath stops as my heart finally realizes that you didn't need me to survive, that was only me. From the very start, I was the only one who actually needed you to function.

There was quite a lot of things I meant to do but have never done, and I live with that regret hanging over my head now, deservingly so. I'll always wonder what if.

What if I said it when I knew you would say it back.

What if I kissed you the moment I saw you, so the whole friendship and boundaries didn't stick for as long as they did.

What if I lived that life of marriage, kids, grandkids, growing old in each other's arms - the whole fucking shebang (when you were ready to start it even if I wasn't)

And I'll drown in those what if's, in the infinitesimal amount of what could've been. This is what I deserve.

You deserved better. You got better. I didn't.

And here I stand, watching it all, feeling all the if's and alternates that would never have led to this moment. Here and now is when it all assaults me - the good and bad - the kisses and tears both given and gotten. This is where they ended up - in the gaping hole between two train stops (ironic because this is where it all began).

So here lies the rest of us, nothing but shattered, torn and red. Don't worry, I wrapped it up so you (and I both) don't have to look down on it and remember things better left in the mind's gutter.

But here's to us,

to thinking for so long that we were mendable,

To covering up the cracks with paint that chipped too easily away,

To an attempt at love that was scarily sincere -

Too scary to venture further in,

Too sincere to embody without overflowing, without someone getting loved less -

Two words to put together, hold on

Two words to break it enough apart, let go

...

I feel my eyes prickle.

Tears, yes, of course. I'll be catching those myself this time around.

I breathe painfully inwards and give everything my lungs have suffered back to the wind.

There's water in them, strange. I didn't know I've been drowning in your air. I suppose it was too sweet for its own good.

I let my eyes fall safely shut as the wind picks up around me, howling in my ears. I chance a peak at harsh reality (as hard as it is to bear, reality is the only thing I have left).

I had hoped that blurring train windows and streaks of nondescript colors would ease the blow. As it happens, my mind has made our ending more sinister than it is.

I feel myself hold my breath in anticipation as the trains pass by.

I don't know what hurt more to see, you still there on the other side - out of my arm's reach (and her so very tucked in yours instead) - or the very real emptiness of that station platform.

I barely register my knees buckling beneath me, that is, until I feel the eerily comforting chill of the floor tiles.

I think I've known all along. The barren wasteland (of a train station platform) you left behind did me in, dug the metaphorical knife right through my literal spine for that sickening final crack.

I pick my hands up from my lap and dig the palms into my closed eyelids, moving in circles and deeper still until the eyes within start seeing colors.

The last dregs of color that I'd likely ever see after this day is through.

I open my eyes back up, a white light blinds me momentarily. They do there best to adjust to it. I can make out something vague in the distance -

where you were just moments ago, is that still you?

- a shadow, a silhouette.

This is all I know (all I'll ever let myself know), nothing is as broken as an empty heart. I hope you somehow remember this as I take a step to fill it -

one last time.


I NEVER LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE SO I WON'T SAY FIN BUT YEAH THE DRABBLES ARE BASICALLY OVER AT THIS POINT!AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD! SHIELD YOUR EYES!

damn, I apologize if that's some anticlimactic angst (slight oxymoron...?) I've written, it's just that particular idea has been sitting in my laptop for so long that I kinda wanted to exercise it out to the universe.

let's do this (i cant' really handle this but-).

'goodbye' has always seemed like such a lie to me because goodbyes are scarcely as good as advertised by its very name. I don't know if farewell is any better but I believe in its message. I do wish that you fare well in every other endeavor you find yourself thrust at by life, whether it's another fic to get lost in or the mundane but vast activities real life has for us to either revel in or forget all else in. And wow just look at me ramble right?

i'll cut to the chase as best as i can.

the last one liners of each fic is my little scattered farewell to you, reader, the remaining dregs of deadbeatdragon and to the characters of Fairy Tail themselves that I feel I could never do justice by with how many words and sentences I can string together. and for my last words as deadbeatdragon, I choose them to be this:

onwards! chin up! there are things that are waiting for you to shake them up! go on and ruin everything by saying it out loud! and finally,

!chattanooga hooch hooch!