Chapter 04
It was that distance that got to Katelyn. In a lot of ways, it reminded her of Miranda, of the cool calculation that the Cerberus officer could exert if she needed to. That ability she had to break human lives down to equations of skill, productiveness and temperament. It was needed yes, but it was painful to watch sometimes and it was an ability Katelyn did not want to see in Liara.
Yet there had been a bit of it when she spoke about Rinn. Even Helena.
Katelyn didn't expect her to look at them as they did, but she had expected her to be humane. To understand that Rinn's condition was a problem to the younger woman. That it was a tender subject. But it hadn't seemed to occur to her that Rinn would not want to use this.
Liara had simply looked at Rinn and what she could do and came to the conclusion that she would be good at fighting.
Well, the commander thought as they rode the elevator in silence. Liara's going to have to get past Rinn first.
Katelyn didn't know what to think about Liara's plan. In a lot of ways, it made sense. Rinn was what she was. There was no reverting the human back to her old self. But… still. Katelyn had a feeling that Rinn might not like what Liara had planned.
"One of my agents recommended this place," Liara said finally as the elevator door opened. "They said it's secure. Safe. It's a relatively neutral zone, so there isn't as much attention here as some of the other non-permanent accommodation. There's a portion of indentured servants, but due to the pricing, it's mostly those who have been in the service for a while. There won't be any trouble."
Pricing? Katelyn thought and looked around, wondering what a place like this would cost. The truth was that she had no concept of living costs. After two years' absence, it was one of the things on her list she hadn't gotten to catching up on.
"And you said that you've paid it up till the end of the month?" She queried, referring to the original conversation they had around the apartment. Liara glanced at her, relaxing a little now that they were talking again.
"Two months," she pointed out. "After that Helena will take over the lease. It's not a requirement, she's insisting." She paused. "I'll pay her well, Katelyn. I took good care of Nyxeris till…"
I had to take care of her.
Katelyn felt her heart clench for a moment as it had back then when she had realised that her friend was in danger. She had never mentioned it to Liara, but it had been Miranda who had figured out that Liara's secretary was a double agent. The woman's fine eye for details had begun to pick up discrepancies in the data almost immediately.
The Cerberus agent had elected not to come with them to the apartment, saying that she needed to prepare for the next day. To Katelyn's knowledge, she was going to send a message to Helena requesting her presence on the Normandy the next morning.
I should talk to Helena. I must.
Katelyn caught herself, pushing away the need she still felt to understand the future. Not now. Not today. Not tomorrow. It was a mantra she found herself saying even around Rinn.
"Here we are," Liara motioned to a door that looked exactly like the others they had passed. "Helena knows we're here. Reception would've let her know. Nobody comes up without permission."
Katelyn had to confess that the idea worked for her.
Liara didn't ring the bell, but simply opened the door and stepped inside, moving through the small artificial foyer. When Katelyn stepped in behind her, she saw that it opened up to a larger apartment. Rinn and Helena were sitting on the couches. The dark-haired woman had gotten up when the door opened, possibly out of courtesy, but Helena had remained seated, her hand wrapped around a coffee mug.
"Sorry we're late," Liara said by way of greeting. "But I underestimated the demand for ramen. We got pizza instead." She held up the fast food container. "I hope that's alright?"
Katelyn could tell immediately that Rinn was uncomfortable and wondered whether the woman had relaxed at all since she had last seen her. She glanced at Helena, trying to judge her mood, but the ginger's features were unreadable as she pushed herself up with a smile.
"That would be perfect, it would," Helena said. "I'll get plates." Her dark eyes briefly met Katelyn's. "Welcome, Commander."
Her tone was a fraction warmer than her eyes. Katelyn nodded at her, taking note of the seat she had vacated and choosing another on the far end of the room. Rinn's gaze followed her friend to the kitchen. She seemed to be considering whether she should follow, but then Liara stepped into her line of sight, putting the pizza down.
"So," the asari said cheerfully. "What do you think? Do you have everything that you need?"
It seemed to take Rinn a moment or two to figure out that Liara was trying to make conversation with her. She blinked at the asari then nodded shyly. Katelyn studied the gesture and found herself seething again. And Liara wants her to go into protection detail? What is she going to do?Blush them to death?
"Yes it's… I like it here," Rinn replied.
Liara smiled immediately though it seemed too eager. She's awkward too. The asari looked to the kitchen where Helena was stacking out plates, seeming to be happily oblivious to the conversation.
"That's good," Liara was saying. "And… I hope you like pizza. We're lucky there was a takeout on the way. It's fairly new." By asari standards, Katelyn thought. Pizza parlours had only been established in Nos Astra for ten years. She had to stop herself from smiling, marvelling at culture difference.
Rinn was nodding, but shuffling awkwardly. "I do," she said and paused. "We'll… have to start scouting out places." Her gaze turned to Helena and Katelyn wondered why it was that the ginger seemed to draw all of their attention to her. "When we're too lazy to cook."
There was an audible snort from the kitchen as Helena turned, balancing the four plates on her one hand. "Or it's your turn to cook," she pointed out with mock horror in her voice, her gaze focused on the plates. Katelyn got the sense that everybody, including herself, wanted to get up and help the young woman, but something in Helena's attitude held them all at bay. And, she didn't seem to need the help. She slipped the plates down easy enough without toppling them once. Helena's gaze met Katelyn's as she straightened and she hesitated, studying the commander's features.
"Is Dr Chakwas here?" She queried. "How has she been?"
Rinn who was still standing, glanced behind her at the couch and finally settled back down, taking a plate as she did so. Katelyn, upon consideration, did the same. "She's recovering," she said, trying to keep her tone open. "Making sure everyone else is doing the same." She didn't know what else to say and Helena didn't seem to know how to continue the conversation.
"That's good," she said. "I'll ah… get us some cutlery." She went back to the kitchen and again everybody's eyes followed her. She's not going to make this conversation any easier. Katelyn looked at Liara who tried to smile.
"I'm seeing her tomorrow afternoon with Tali," the asari supplied, then turned to Rinn. "You've probably met her?"
Rinn nodded, waiting for Liara to open the takeout container. When the asari did so, Katelyn could see that the woman was trying very hard not to reach for the pizza first. She must've have been starving by now and Katelyn wondered whether Helena or Liara knew how much they were going to have to be feeding her. Miranda had explained to her that the nanocytes had increased Rinn's metabolism by a significant amount above normal.
"She's nice," Rinn continued and would've waited for Katelyn to get a slice too if the commander had not waved her on. In that time, Helena returned again and slipped some cutlery into her friend's hands before going back to the kitchen. The dark-haired woman very rarely ate without them.
Katelyn expected Helena to sit down, but the ginger went back into the kitchen, not settling. Her departure left the same awkwardness in its wake than before, with both Liara and Rinn following Katelyn's gaze to the kitchen. She heard Rinn shift and there was a clink as her cutlery touched the plate.
"The city is..." She began and hesitated. "Massive... And beautiful. I'm curious to explore it."
Liara seemed to relax a little. "We can definitively arrange a tour," she said. "It's worth a look. It's said to be one of the most advanced asari colonies outside of asari space..."
Katelyn could not stop herself anymore and got up to go to the kitchen, seeing that Helena was carefully putting out four glasses. Now that she thought nobody was looking, she appeared more tired, her gaze distant as she went to the fridge and took out a bottle of juice. Katelyn was worried that she might startle the woman and stepped back a bit before she cleared her throat. Helena turned to her immediately and hesitated. She didn't look scared or cornered, but Katelyn could tell she had no idea what to say.
"Can I help you?" Kate asked softly. "I wanted to offer with the plates, but... you seemed to have that covered." She smiled and, after some consideration, Helena returned it. It was good natured enough, but very calculated.
"Mad waiter skills," she said with a smile. "Taught me balance, patience and humility..." She trailed off and bit her lip. Even Katelyn had to pause as she stared at her. Blushing, Helena chuckled.
"Well, the balance stayed," she pointed out and smiled. "I'm good, Commander. You can go back. I'll manage."
Katelyn didn't move, but smiled. "Let's revise that humility," she said, her tone kind, but cautious. "I'll pour and bring two." Helena's features were stoic for a moment, but then she seemed to give up and gave Kate the bottle. Focusing on pouring the glasses slowly, the commander risked her next topic of conversation.
"Did you get Liara's message?" She queried softly. "About coming for a check-up?"
The ginger's body stiffened, but she sighed and nodded. "I did yes," she said. "Tomorrow early." She looked to the living room, her gaze distant.
Kate studied her, then pushed on. "And you understand it's on the Normandy?" She queried. "Will that be a problem?"
Helena's gaze returned to her, her thoughts obscured. "I'd have been worried if it wasn't," she pointed out. "Can't imagine where else it would be." Her gaze returned to the living room.
Kate made a listening sound and started on the second glass. "I won't be there," she added. "So if there's anything you want to discuss with me..." She trailed off when she felt Helena's eyes touch her. It was an almost physical connection.
"I don't," Helena said simply, her tone betraying no emotion. Katelyn sighed and figured it was worth the try.
"Miranda will be there," she said. "Will that be a problem?"
Helena hesitated this time. Katelyn had expected her to. "It's fine," the ginger said and reached out to take the first two completed glasses. She produced her right hand for the first time that evening and carefully slipped the one glass into it. "Why should there be?"
Katelyn stopped pouring and made sure to look at her.
"You tell me."
She could tell that the ginger wouldn't, but her look told Katelyn what she needed to know. She found Helena hard to read, she always had – it was one of the fatal flaws in their communication. But there was something in which she was certain, something she had sensed in Helena because it was amplified in a woman she knew very well.
She didn't know what it was, but Katelyn was almost sure that something had happened between Miranda and Helena. She didn't necessarily want to know the details, they were both two consenting adults after all, but she wanted to understand the nature of the feeling she was perceiving between the pair. It was certainly not pleasure or warmth. Rather a cold absence that seemed to leave both women mute towards the other. Miranda never spoke about Helena in passing and if she did mention her, it was a mechanical medical update. If some wrong had been done, Katelyn wanted to fix it. Because she had come to care about Miranda and, regardless of how she felt about Helena's general personality, she didn't want the woman to come to any further harm.
It was clear however that she wasn't going to get any answers here. Helena broke eye contact and smiled though it was as fake as the plant standing by the fridge.
"Nothing's wrong, Commander," she said, her tone light. "I'll be at the Normandy early. I might even see you there." She took up the other glass and left for the living room, taking her spare to Rinn. The hybrid was still talking about the city, as she and Liara seemed to have finally found a topic that almost flowed. Katelyn knew that the woman had done some reading on the planet and could keep Liara talking, if only to make the asari realise how little she herself had seen of the place she called home.
Maybe they'll be good for her to, Katelyn thought as she settled on her placing, passing her extra glass over to the asari. Maybe they can give her some stability. Something else to focus on.
Her gaze turned back to Helena who had reached for the pizza and was busy picking off pieces of mushroom to drop in her plate. She didn't join the conversation, but finished her slice methodically, her eyes dark and distant. When the topic had finally ran its course and there was nothing left for them to say, Liara became quiet and looked towards her new assistant. There was very little of the meal left, with Katelyn and Rinn finishing more than half of it between them. Katelyn had eaten more, simply to allow Rinn the opportunity to be comfortable in also eating more than was her share.
Helena didn't give the silence time to become awkward but for the first time Katelyn began to understand what Liara had meant. The ginger seemed to study Liara as if she could read something on her face that none of the others in the room could. Then she seemed to sigh and put down her plate, yawning into her shoulder.
"I'm nodding off," she declared when all eyes turned to her. "I'm sorry you guys. I'm going to have to say good night." Her gaze flipped to Rinn, who looked desperate suddenly and a little cornered. "I'm just going to the other room..." I'll be close. "Preparing for bed." Her gaze jumped to Liara who looked grateful.
"Good night, Helena," she said kindly. "I hope you sleep well."
The smile the ginger offered to Liara was genuine. "And you Dr T'Soni. Thank you for supper." Her gaze moved to Katelyn. "Commander."
Shepard studied her for a moment and wondered what it was in her that the others saw, but that she couldn't.
"Good night, Helena," she said softly though she doubted the woman would sleep. Looking at all of them, Helena met her friend's gaze one last time and then vacated the room for her own. The silence that followed her departure was tenser, filled with the anticipation of the topic that was to come. Rinn seemed to understand that her friend was not necessarily going to bed because she offered no departing wish. Instead, she turned her eyes to them, her blessedly dull green eyes, and waited.
"It is therefore that I recommend," with regret, "that Lucinda Strand be moved to Damaris Institute for further treatment." Which will probably fail. "She is a danger to herself and the staff of Huerta," she tried to kill herself for the second time today and fought the nurses when they tried to help her, "and will require more intense treatment than we can offer here."
Dr Robert Murdoch stopped dictating the letter and wished that it didn't feel so much like a failure.
"I await your response. Until such time, for her own protection," and that of my staff, "she will be kept restrained and sedated."
Maybe that will get them to increase the processing rate.
Robert had little such hope. She was the second patient he had to recommend to Damaris and they were still waiting for the approval. He sighed and sat back in his chair, calling up the file he had just dictated and converted it to text. Every one of these letters felt like a failure. One of his colleagues had told him that he should accept that sometimes people were beyond help. That their minds were so broken it could never be put back together in the usual time allowed. That was what facilities like Damaris were for, because they had more time.
They were there for long-term treatment.
A place where we can all put our failures together and compare notes…
Robert pushed the thought away and got up before he knew what he wanted to do. He went to get himself a bottle of water from the tiny fridge in his office and stood there, staring at nothing as he sipped it slowly. He heard Lucinda's words in his mind, one of their last sessions as she spoke of the horrors that had been done to her, her family and friends. By the time that Shepard's crew was taken her children and husband had already perished.
"And then they took out Lillith and killed her." She had rambled about the other Horizon colonists. "I don't know why.We were dead anyway. I don't understand why they let that monster back onto the ship..."
That monster.
It came up often, a creature Shepard had somehow allowed back onto the Normandy. It had not been explained to him what the thing had been or what had happened that allowed them the change of heart. He feared the worst, that Cerberus had taken something from the collectors that they shouldn't have.
And what of their people? Of those they should be treating? What is happening to them?
Helena came to mind, withering on the bed, as restrained as Lucinda was despite her injuries. He knew nothing of her, had barely had time to treat her, but she too felt like a failure.
Where are you now? What are they doing to you and how is your friend?
Rinn.
He shook the thoughts away, tried to forget Lucinda Strand and returned to his desk, staring though his window. Only the Presidium had a day/night cycle and Robert felt himself missing the sense of time. Of sunrise and sunset. It had been years since he last lived planet side, but it still felt recent enough to miss. Endlessness was draining.
The word endless was a good way to describe the horrors his patients faced and the others that had been taken by the collectors. Will they ever forget? Will Karin?
He felt guilty suddenly when he thought of his old friend and realised that he had not heard anything from her in a while. He should've checked up on her after she was released from hospital. He had known that the Normandy had been scheduled to leave, but he had lost track of time.
Robert called up a file immediately, turned off his voice recorder and stared at the blank page of his old word processing program. He loved writing letters, loved using words to reach out to his friends. But starting was always difficult.
Dearest Doctor Chakwas, he finally managed to put the words to page, thinking about his friend, capturing her image in his mind.
It has been some time since we've seen each other last and I thought I'd check up on you.
The last of the New Canton colonists have been relocated – some taken by family and others by displacement organisations. Which means that things have returned to normal and, as these things are in the Citadel, most of recent events have already been forgotten. With the exception of the stir our human Spectre made, of course.
I'm still on call at Huerta, but things there have become rather quiet. I have to admit that I had welcomed the change in activity if not the circumstances that lead to it. You would know yourself that you feel like you do more good when you're right where the problem occurs. I sometimes worry that the therapy won't be continued. We've both seen how things can go wrong when trauma is left untreated.
Which brings me to you, Karin. How are you holding up? The things I've heard from the colonists...
Your friend (in case you've forgotten),
Dr Robert Murdoch stared at the words that he had written, then turned to his watch. Time had caught up with him and he had to go and do his rounds.
For those that I can save, he thought and felt a little better as he sent Karin the message to the address she had left him. And there are many. I will focus on that and nothing else.
There was a void in the room left by Helena's departure, as if she had taken a little bit from each of them and drew it with her to the privacy of her bedroom. Rinn stared after her friend and wondered how she was really doing.
Will she be able to live with me?
Rinn had lived most of her adult life on her own, moving from place to place every couple of years, though still always in the same city. It gave her a certain awareness of atmosphere or rather a need to pick up on the surroundings of where she lay her head. The apartment had a good feeling to it. Promising. Some places Rinn had stayed in had an immediate sense of a temporary sojourn, while others felt more as if she could make it home.
Home.
It had been a long while since she truly had something like that. It's something Helena and I both will need here, she thought. A sanctuary. She only hoped that they could find it together here. What if this doesn't work out?
The door to Helena's room slid shut and the three glanced at each other. Rinn instantly felt a a cold and sticky awkwardness creep in. She had always hated being the focus of others. One-on-one situations were still fine – to some extent. In the two weeks she had been with Katelyn, she learnt to feel... safe around the woman – much like she had been around Helena. Liara was an unknown however and the two together brought a different air to things. And now she was alone with them... with the distinct impression that they had been waiting for it.
Even Helena picked up on it, that's probably why she left. And I didn't see it coming.
"Have you had enough to eat?" Liara asked, giving Rinn a smile, seeming to try and put her at ease.
No, Rinn thought and shifted as she thought of a neutral answer.
"I'm okay... thanks."
Katelyn gave her a knowing look. "I brought some extras and a couple of snacks. I figured you might want something to nibble on a little later." Rinn didn't reply, simply giving the woman a broad, embarrassed smile.
"It's a welcome change to have someone actually look as if they enjoy a meal," Liara commented. Was I bobbing while I ate again? Or had she noted it from Miranda's report or something? Rinn wondered as she watched the asari glance at Helena's door. "We won't keep you up for much longer, Rinn. I know you've had a long day."
Why does this feel like an interview? Rinn suppressed a frown. "It's alright," she shrugged. "I'm not so tired. So... What's up?"
The moment the words left her mouth, Katelyn's expression saddened and she suddenly remembered when she last had asked that question. Right before they told me I was becoming a husk. She swallowed nervously. Katelyn's hand briefly crossed the space between their seats to give hers a small squeeze. Her thoughts went there too.
"As you know," the commander began as she retracted her hand. "Liara said she's found... an arrangement for you. A bit similar to the one she has with Helena. I wanted her to run it by you before we decide anything." The commander glanced at Liara. "Or I go anywhere."
Rinn frowned at the last. That doesn't sound... promising.
Katelyn noticed Rinn's expression and shook her head. "I want you to be comfortable here, Rinn. I'm not leaving until I know you'll be alright."
The hybrid swallowed, feeling the words both shake her and soothe her. It was surreal to know that Kate actually meant it, but it was troubling that there could be reason for her to say so. She also didn't like the sense that the commander wouldn't have felt the same of Helena. What if this hadn't been such a good thing for Helena? What if this isn't such a good thing at all?
Rinn opened her mouth to voice her confusion or to ask a question, but suddenly the words became mist again, insubstantial, vague, unobtainable. Stop leaping to conclusions. Just listen. She closed her mouth, deciding that there was no point asking for the information they were about to provide anyway, and gave the commander a small nod to continue.
It was Liara who spoke up. "I've been able to create a position for Helena within my agency. It's a position that was vacated recently, so it's easy enough to slot her in." Nyxeris, the name popped into Rinn's mind. The asari agent of the Shadow Broker. "Unfortunately, I can't create another," Liara shrugged. "There isn't enough work to justify it."
Rinn nodded indicating she understood. Makes sense.
"I have an acquaintance," the asari continued. "A turian who runs a company specialising in protection detail. He may be able to offer you a job. It will include training and the same benefits that Helena has. The idea is then that you become, if you are willing, part of the detail that I use more frequently."
"They need an admin?" Rinn asked, puzzling the offer. She'd get the same training as Helena. Companies need admins no matter what their specialisation is. And I'll get to liaise more frequently with Helena possibly. Could be interesting... I wonder if I'll still have to organise her to do lists… Rinn tried not to grin at the thought. She had frequently needed to press her friend on tasks that needed performing. "I'm not too bad at it. Just a little rusty," she gave a small shrug. "The uh, tech I had to work with was rather dated. Much the same that Helena was used to." We can do the same training… It could be fun.
Katelyn shifted awkwardly and Liara's expression became obscure to Rinn. Somehow she felt like she had said the wrong thing, the dumb thing. What am I missing?
"They are a security company," the asari pointed out again as if Rinn hadn't heard it the first time or had missed the significance. "I was thinking more in the line of defence training. They don't have a lot of admin."
"Oh," Rinn uttered in surprise, then noted Katelyn's look. They want to use what the husk gave, she realised. Not what I can offer. Her stomach dropped as she considered this. That's why Katelyn's staying. She wants to see if I'm okay with it.
She felt a dull ache in her chest as her mind travelled on. This was supposed to be a fresh start. Somehow in her mind, Rinn had thought that meant it would mean leaving the husk behind. They'd work so hard to contain this element of her, but she had never thought to use any of the changed. She considered the transformation very much like she did her right hand. It was that she had lost something. Rinn hadn't gained anything by the loss of her fingers besides an extra challenge to perform as she had before. The husk was just another obstacle to overcome; not something to exploit.
I'm not going to be able to live as if I'm not different,she thought bitterly. But then, rather foolish to think I'd be able to, isn't it?
"Oh," she repeated softly, trying hard not to sound disappointed. She tilted her head as she considered. Maybe if she could find the merits to the idea. Surely she would be able to do the job. "Well... I'm... stronger than I was before. More... agile." I can see how that would be useful to the turian. "I've never fired a weapon before... before the mine." But that's where the training comes in, I suppose. She wondered why Helena would receive such training. "There is the problem of my aversion to... blood." That's going to be a bit of a challenge. Useful to use against the husk though. Helena certainly proved that.
"But then... they probably have solid antipsychotics for... ptsd by now," she murmured more to herself.
"If you agree, it won't be combat," Katelyn said with a shake of her head. "It will be purely protection, as I understand it."
What do you think protection entails?
"Which protection requires from time to time," Rinn countered gently. "You're hardly going in as an unarmed bobby."
Do they still know what bobbies are? By Liara's expression, it didn't seem like she did.
"You won't be protecting me," Liara said. "It's for Helena. I've been thinking about it. I promised to watch over her and I do so, but I can't keep her under constant surveillance. She won't like it and neither will you." Her eyes turned to Katelyn. "We're fooling ourselves if we think that she won't be a target. The reapers have sleeper agents, we all know this. What's to stop them from coming up and snatching her? Or Cerberus?" Liara let the thought hang in the air for a moment before directing her words to Rinn. "It's a given that both of you need weapons training. The idea is simply to give you enough to protect her when she can't. The information business is dangerous, especially if you're new to it."
She's already a great shot though. Are they going to teach her hand-to-hand? Would she be able to with her shoulder? Wait, since when does working behind a desk require weapons training?
"I thought she was doing admin?" Rinn frowned.
"Administration and the occasional drop off," Liara replied. "The thing is that a broker's administrator is... important. They have access to sensitive information and could be useful to competitors. It didn't truly occur to me because my former administrator Nyxeris was an asari – a biotic. I didn't have to think twice about security because she could take care of herself. But Helena can't."
The web has already been woven for us. Plans within plans. What happens if I pull on a thread?
"How would my declining the offer affect that?" Rinn asked softly, glancing at Katelyn. "How would it affect anything?"
Katelyn was quick to answer, as if she had already thought about that too and was eager to offer it.
"If you don't accept it and Liara can't find an alternative arrangement, we'll take both of you back to the Normandy and make another plan," Katelyn assured. "You won't have to stay here."
"If Helena wants to leave," Liara added carefully. "Your doing this isn't imperative to her safety. I can take care of her." That's not quite what you said a moment ago, Rinn thought, allowing herself a brief second of suspicion as she watched the asari make eye contact with the commander. "I just think you'd be able to do a better job than I would. And," crystal blue eyes locked onto Rinn. "You don't have to go to the Normandy. With time, we can find you other employment. This is merely the best I could do at such short notice."
Rinn lifted her right hand and gave a small gesture for Liara to stop. "I'm not rejecting or anything. I'm just... seeing how things link in." She drew a breath. Just collect data. You can't react when you don't know what you're reacting to. "Does this acquaintance of yours know what they're getting?" She felt a small flicker of relief when the asari shook her head.
"No, that will remain between us," Liara replied. "As far as he is concerned, you've just had extensive genetic modification."
An escaped lab rat? Might work. At least those 'modifications' aren't to my detriment in this type of business, I suppose.
"How soon would I start?" Rinn continued, keeping her voice quiet and neutral.
"Jachett wants to meet you tomorrow," Liara glanced at Katelyn, who quietly sat watching the exchange. "He might put you though a few basic exercises. Then we'll go from there. You'll have some time to acclimatise. I'll handle all of the paperwork and make sure you're not being Astra'd."
The term was lost on Rinn. She kept quiet, merely looking at them. After all, even a fool could appear wise if she kept her mouth shut.
"But even if you meet him, Rinn," Katelyn added. "It's not a done deal."
Rinn nodded, milling through everything. "I'm assuming Helena doesn't know?"
"I didn't want to discuss it with her until I discussed it with you," Liara confirmed.
The hybrid wondered what Helena's reaction to this would have been had they told her earlier. Would they even have presented it to her? Would they have risked her wroth? Would her friend have been unhappy to begin with? Maybe the ginger wouldn't think this is a bad idea. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea. Would Helena have understood her hesitation though? Did they?
Rinn nodded again, letting her eyes trail down to her hands. Her right thumb was slowly rubbing over the stump of what used to be her ring finger. She didn't know when she picked up the habit, but the sensation was still... eerie. Everything is.
She felt more than saw Katelyn shift. "Rinn, what are you thinking?" the woman asked and Rinn looked up to notice that the commander was studying her intently.
Her character's eyes were soft and curious and Rinn could feel that almost unnatural concern flow from her. Do I have you under some kind of spell? What would happen if it could be broken? And still, as strange as the connection was, it soothed Rinn. Katelyn didn't understand, but she knew and had the freedom to just ask.
What can I tell them when I don't really know myself?
She looked at Liara and wondered what the asari thought of her. There was a... distance – which was all too natural but problematic at that moment when so many cards were yet to be played and so many were already on the table.
"Dr T'Soni," she said carefully. "You'll have to forgive me if I seem discouraged or like a teacher grading a pupil's bad paper. I'm merely... surprised." Rinn looked down at her hands as she clasped them together. "I shouldn't be. I know that. I'm trying to process the information so I can present you with a decent response." But it's too much. This whole crazy adventure is just too much.
Rinn turned her attention to Katelyn. "I'm merely trying to put all the pieces together. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting this, but it's a kindness still. An undeserved kindness." Am I bringing this across right? "I hope I don't seem... I hope it doesn't seem if I consider it any other way." She made herself look right into Liara's eyes and felt her throat dry up. What strange, amazing, crazy, frightening reality do I find myself in.
"I'm... I'm still... trying to adapt to all the changes. To what has happened. To what I've..." she felt her voice fade. To what I've become. Rinn cleared her throat and forged on. "I haven't even considered the idea of using the change in such a way because... because I still don't see it as something I can utilise." It's a corruption, not an asset nor a gift. "That's one of the steps in coming to terms with it, I suppose, but I haven't reached that point yet. So," she shrugged and gave a rueful smile. "I'm a little behind everyone else."
There was a silent exchange between the other two and then Liara shifted awkwardly. "I'm sorry... I didn't think about it that way. I understand what you're saying, Rinn. We can hold it off."
The hybrid shook her head immediately. "Please don't apologize. I... I really should have considered it." She hesitated. "It will be good to meet your acquaintance and... everything. I'm just... Please don't take offense if I'm a little..." she shrugged helplessly. "I really appreciate what you've both done for me," her eyes met Katelyn and she felt warmth and kindness and mirrored it. "And with Helena," she turned her attention back to Liara. "You just continued helping her without even knowing who or what you're getting. Thank you seems almost too trivial a thing to say. Just... Be patient with me. It all... changed so quickly and I'm still trying..." she shrugged again. "Helena is better at adapting."
Liara smiled at this. "Or she's just better at hiding her feelings," she countered.
"Well that too," Rinn felt herself smile fondly. "She's a bit of a stubborn wench, that one."
"I told this to Helena and I wish to tell it to you as well," Liara continued softly. "I know what you are feeling. I've also had to change..." Her eyes briefly turned to Katelyn before fixing them on Rinn. "A lot in the past few years. Even this needed adapting. I will be patient."
And you got Helena first to boot! Rinn smiled, deciding against voicing the comment.
"Thank you," she said giving the asari a nod.
"Take time to think about it," Liara said, glancing at Katelyn, then slowly began to rise. "You don't have to give us an answer tomorrow, but I still want you to meet Jachett and consider the proposal. I'll come pick you up at nine, if that's alright?"
"Yes. Thank you," Rinn repeated as she and the commander also rose.
She escorted them out, wishing them well as they left. As the door slid shut she turned back to the apartment and drew a slow breath. She remained like that, looking at the surrounding furniture with an unseeing eye. The air felt... empty. Void. Whatever warmth and optimism she had felt before had now suddenly drained away. Don't be foolish. You're just overwhelmed.
Rinn gave herself a mental shake then proceeded to clear the small coffee table, for once ignoring her own dislike for oiliness on her fingers and grabbing one of the remaining slices of pizza out the box. The food soothed her somewhat, wiping away what hunger still remained. At least for the next couple of hours. They'd have to stock up on a lot more food.
For now she merely left the dishes in the sink, washing her hands of the excess oiliness, and moved to sit on a couch nearest to the window. There was probably a switch to close the blinds, but they hadn't bothered this evening, instead enjoying the backdrop of rain and the dimly lit building beside them. Raindrops drew patterns on the glass and her mind went back to Helena's finger, trailing with her bloodied hand against the glass of her pod.
Stop it!
She drew a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut before blinking back at the glass. How am I going to deal with blood? I'll have to read up on that. There must be some method they use to deal with it now.
"How am I going to do this?" she murmured to herself. "Am I going to do this?"
The option to back out was there. Katelyn was staying longer for that very reason. Then her thoughts trailed back to one of the discussions they had had just after Helena had left.
"I'm not just trying to get rid of you and Helena. Liara does present the best chance for you two to find your feet again. Live your own lives."
Katelyn had believed staying in Nos Astra was for the best, but that had been before Liara's proposal. But then the asari also indicated this was all she could get with the time she had. There might be other possibilities, but what? And what about Helena?
She's not going to want to leave and I can't force her to. And I can't leave without her. I can't do this alone.
Rinn sighed, rubbing her forehead.
I don't know what to do.
