Chapter 4

I read it… over and over again until my head started spinning. How was I supposed to know he felt this way? My mind drifts away to the nights in the hammock in our special "church". Where did our love go? How did it become so hard?

"Clare! Clare! Snap out of your trance Clare Bear!" Alli stands there snapping her fingers at me looking annoyed, as usual.

"Yes? How can I help you?" Of course I snap back at her… I was having a moment in my mind and she ruined it. We start walking down the hall towards our lockers as our day at Degrassi has just begun. Don't you just love Monday mornings?

"Sorry…How was your weekend with Jake? Any benefits?" She smiles in her own wicked way and I can't help but snicker.

"No benefits. I spent the weekend catching up on some homework and assignments. "I smile as she rolls her eyes. I know Alli's idea of fun is a weekend full of "benefits" however I spend my weekend full of thoughts from Eli's journal entry.

"Well, Johnny came by for the weekend and we went to the movies. It felt like old times." I know she saw my eyes roll because she huffed and continued, "And I know I said I wouldn't give him another chance especially after what happened before but he's changed a lot since he started University and I think it may actually work." She must've seen me roll my eyes again because she didn't stop there. "And after all of the trouble with Drew this year… I think I deserve to be a little happy and maybe even throw Johnny in his face a little."

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean… maybe you should just get over Drew and Johnny and move on with someone healthier for you? I mean… they both used you for sex…" I look at her cautiously and I see that look of disgust on her face that I knew was coming.

"I'm sorry they're not as perfect as KC or Eli… oh wait… they weren't perfect were they? Whatever Clare, thanks for understanding." And with that… she was gone. I shook my head and couldn't help but feel sorry for her and myself. KC and Eli weren't perfect but at least Eli respected my wishes of staying a virgin until I was married. He was such a gentleman about it that sometimes I wanted to ravage him… but of course I never told him that. I giggled and smiled to myself and decided despite Alli's bitterness I was going to walk into class laughing at my impure thoughts.

Hands cover my eyes as I walk I get ready to walk into class. "Guess who?"

"A handy man perhaps?" I already know its Jake. His hands are always rough because of the construction work he does… but I guess I don't mind. He spins me around and moves to kiss me but I let it land on my cheek.

"Is something wrong Clare?" I see the worried look on his face and can't seem to find the words to tell him that my heart is elsewhere today.

"We're in school" I look up at him, "And PDA's are not allowed."

He smiles and believes me, "Always the good girl."

"Yeah, that's me. I have to get to class before I'm late. I'll see you at lunch." He smiles again and kisses my cheek. I watch him walk away and then turn to see Eli in his seat with headphones on. His expression doesn't give away if he saw the exchange or not however Adam's sour expression gives away that he definitely saw it. Adam hasn't been the biggest supporter of the break up between Eli and I and I respect that because I know he is Eli's best friend… but I miss my friend too. I sigh and walk to my seat, looking at the floor the entire time.

There's the bell… and Ms. Dawes.

"Class, how have the assignments been? Any comments? Complaints? Responses anyone wants to share?"

I see Adam wink at Fiona and pipe up, "I think this is the best assignment you could've given us. It has let us really reveal ourselves without having to be confrontational. It's awesome!"

The class laughs and I snicker… even Ms. Dawes laughs. "I'm glad class. Ok. I won't interfere. Get to work. Can't wait to read all of the entries!"

Eli turns to me and smirks… with that grin…