A Life In the Day
Chapter 4: "Let Me Hold Her…"
Zasha Ruslana Romanova screamed in frustration as she flung herself down on her bed.
"Didn't go well, I take it," Phillip said from where he was sitting at her desk.
The fourteen-year-old shook her head, her next words muffled by her pillow.
"Sorry. Didn't catch that."
Slowly, Russ looked up at her friend, her eyes bloodshot with the effort of not crying. "She says I'm not allowed back in R&D for a whole month…and she thinks Dad will agree with her when he gets back from Seoul."
"Probably true, though, in your defense, you couldn't have known there was an exposed wire."
"Don't you think I tried telling her that? Uncle Bruce told her exactly what happened…and she's still grounding me."
Russ had been experimenting with one of her explosive concoctions in the lab and, of course, something had gone wrong. Really, the only reason she was still alive was that Bruce had been with her. Needless to say, her mother had been furious over the whole incident.
"She just…she doesn't get it," Russ said, on the verge of sniffling. "This is a dangerous thing. Of course things like this are going to happen. You can't let that stop you. The danger's not important."
"I think it's important to her," Phillip pointed out, the default snark setting gone from his voice for once.
"Yes, because her work isn't dangerous at all."
"That's different and you know it."
"Maybe so," Russ admitted. "But she still just…doesn't get me at all. She doesn't care."
Phillip's eyes narrowed at this. Then he stood from Russ' desk and held out his hand to her. "Come with me."
"What?"
"Come with me. I want to show you something."
For a moment, Russ looked like she might continue to argue, but she finally took the offered hand and let her friend lead her out of her room.
Phillip led Russ through several hallways in the tower before arriving at a locked door. When Phillip attempted to access it, JARVIS' voice came through the console.
"You are not authorized to access this terminal."
"Come on, JARVIS. Do we really want to go through the whole game of riddles today? We all know how this ends. I'm gonna bust my old man's codes and get what I want anyway. But let's not do that today. I need to show Russ something."
If AIs could sigh, Russ imagined JARVIS would have been. "As you wish. Welcome back, young sir."
"I've never been in this one before," Russ said as she looked around the terminal.
"This is the secure server where Dad keeps all his files on S.H.I.E.L.D. I only just broke the codes a few weeks ago…and I've been finding some pretty interesting stuff. We've got access to the 2R security recordings from the time your mom was captured by them."
Russ groaned. "Phillip, I already know the story about how I was born."
"That's just it. I don't think you do. I want you to see something I found, then tell me you know the story."
"Fine," Russ griped, plopping herself down in a chair.
"JARVIS, play the security feed from 2R cam 52, time stamp 8 A.M. December 21st, 2014."
"Yes, young sir."
At this, a holographic display lit up before the two, showing Natasha Romanoff on an operating table, surrounded by several doctors. She was making a clear effort not to scream as they cut into her.
"She's not properly sedated," Phillip explained. "This was done in a hurry. The rest of our parents are about to attack."
Russ remained silent as she witnessed her mother's supreme control of what must have surely been agony. She watched as the surgeons pulled her own tiny body from inside her mother's…saw how frail she'd been, how unlikely to survive…and she saw the look of exhausted rapture on Natasha Romanoff's face when she beheld her for the first time.
"Mom?" she whispered.
Something in her mother's eyes broke when they started to carry her away from her. Then her expression hardened into something fierce and enraged. Still open, still bleeding, Natasha seized a knife from the surgical tray and leapt to her feet, bringing the blade to the surgeon's back.
"Let me hold her," her mother demanded, keeping up a strong front, even though she was clearly about to collapse. "Let me hold her…just once."
Russ' eyes were locked on her mother as the surgeon passed her to her, warning her that she needed to be taken to intensive care.
"I know," Natasha said, shaking as she laid Russ against her breast, holding her close. "Just a moment…a moment…"
Zasha Romanova did not know her mother as a sentimental person. She knew the hard, disciplined woman who could bring nations to their knees. She did not often see the softness in her mother…but now, in this moment captured fourteen years ago, she saw only love…pure love, protectiveness, and adoration. In that moment, the baby in Natasha Romanoff's arms had clearly been the center of her world, and she would have done anything to protect her. Russ felt tears stinging at her eyes as she watched her mother gently kiss her forehead.
"I'll get you back," Natasha whispered. "I promise I will get you back," she finished, something in her expression breaking once more as she handed her daughter over to her enemies.
"Stop the feed, JARVIS," Phillip said softly. Once the playback had stopped, the two friends sat in silence for several minutes.
"I know you and your mom don't always see eye to eye…but can you really say she doesn't care about you after she went through all that?"
Slowly, Russ turned to look at her partner in crime, several tears streaking down her face. Smirking slightly, she said, "I guess I was wrong about you, Phillip Stark. You're not a complete ass. Where did I go wrong?"
Phillip shrugged. "Hey, what's a partner for, if not to dig up gory home movies on a rainy day?"
Russ punched him lightly on the shoulder before hugging him. Once they'd sealed up the terminal, Russ went in search of her mother again.
Natasha was in the tower's underground shooting range practicing when Russ found her, and she was clearly still angry, but Russ found that she herself was different now.
Her mom noticed her right away, seeing the tears on her face, but seeing a different meaning in them.
"I hope you aren't here to negotiate," she said as she pulled off her protective headphones. "Because you are still in deep, little miss."
"No…no…nothing like that. I just wanted to…apologize."
Natasha blinked several times. "Excuse me?"
"You said…I would understand someday. I think I understand now. I didn't…realize what it must have been like for you…when I was born."
Confusion immediately clouded the Black Widow's eyes at this. "Zasha, what are you-"
"You suffered for me…and I've never appreciated that."
"How do you know that?" Natasha asked, setting aside her weapon and moving toward her daughter.
"Phillip…showed me the security recordings from the day I was born."
Her mother sighed. "I would have rather you'd not seen that until you were older, but if you-"
"Mom, I'm sorry!" Russ burst out, throwing her arms around her mother. "You risked everything for me…and I told you I didn't care if I threw it all away. I'm sorry I put myself in danger."
"Oh, Zash," her mother tried to soothe her, holding her close and stroking her hair. "It's not wrong…that you feel so strongly about it…but it's true that I wish you weren't so reckless. I nearly lost you…so many times…when I was pregnant with you…and then they tried to take you from me. Your dad and I…we couldn't handle it if we lost you to something like an overlooked wire. You're the best of both of us…and you can't go before us. There will never be another you in this world. You're too precious to waste on a mistake."
"I'm sorry," Russ repeated, clinging to her mother. "I promise I'll be more careful."
Natasha laughed quietly, feeling her throat tighten as she fought against her own tears. "You are still grounded, you know."
Russ smiled up at her mother, even though there were still tears dripping down her face. "Wouldn't have it any other way."
XxX
