I called Mr. Collins over, and the formidable introduction was made with my best attempt at reigning the ridiculous man in, and the expected result.

My cousin prefaced his speech with a solemn bow and though I truly wished I could not hear a word of it, I heard it al. He rambled on for what seemed like a good five minutes, liberally injecting the words "apology," "Hunsford," and "Lady Catherine de Bourgh" in an endless litany that eventually worked his way up to indicating that Mr. Darcy's aunt and cousin were in the best of health Saturday week when he had last seen them. On and on my cousin prattled until I was beginning to wonder if this level of embarrassment was to be my lot in life.

I looked at Mr. Darcy, thoroughly expecting to see his contempt abundantly increasing with the length of Mr. Collins' second speech, but what happened was completely outside of my expectations, although it would later occur to me to wonder why my expectation remained so low after the previous half‑hour.

Mr. Darcy finally managed to slide in a sentence or two when even Mr. Collins required a breath.

"Mr. Collins, I thank you for that report. I have had a letter from Lady Catherine a month ago, and I would say six weeks for my cousin, so it is good to have a more recent update."

At this point, I looked at him in astonishment, and he winked at me. Men do not do that… well, except in silly romance novels, but I am certain he did so. Then he did something even more astonishing.

"I am curious, Mr. Collins. As you probably know, I visit my aunt each Easter to review her accounts and help her with any estate issues she needs. I am quite familiar with the operation of Rosings. I believe my aunt was planning several improvements to the parsonage. Can you tell me if they have been done, and if the work is to your satisfaction?"

By this point, I had entirely given up on making any sense out of the exchange, and much like someone in a boat going down the rapids in a river (not that I would ever approach either a boat or rapids, but I do like to read about them), I just sat back to enjoy the ride.

Mr. Collins could now wax poetic about the changes to the parsonage, and it took me some time to determine if the great Lady Catherine had torn down the parsonage and replaced it with a castle, or he just took delight in the smallest thing. The answer became clear when several minutes were consumed with a description of the angle of the stairs and the shelves in a closet. He was just being ridiculous, but then something hit me. This was a thought of such singularity that I almost gasped in surprise.

Mr. Darcy was being kind to Mr. Collins. In fact, aside from Jane, Mary and possibly my Aunt Phillips, he was the only person on Hertfordshire that had ever been kind to the parson. True, he was an annoying and vexing man, but he was honorable as far as I know, and respectable. His position was quite eligible for the right woman, but my father and I had spent the entire time just making sport of the man. I had been grousing about Mr. Darcy's manners for six weeks, but right here and right now, he was showing me how a real gentleman behaved, and I found myself shamed. Of course, I still did not want to either dance with Mr. Collins, marry him or need to reject a proposal; but I could have shown him more kindness.

I am afraid these reflections left me in deep thought for quite some time, and I missed about half of what the two gentlemen discussed, but I eventually came back to my senses in time to see Mr. Darcy once again astound me with his next statement.

"Mr. Collins, may I presume on our short acquaintance and our shared relationship with Lady Catherine and ask you a somewhat personal question?"

Mr. Collins may have taken as much as a minute to answer the question, but somehow, Mr. Darcy slowed him down long enough to continue.

"I understand from my aunt that you are in want of a wife, is that correct?"

I just about passed out on the floor or smacked the insufferable man across the temple with my fan. I refrained when he gave me a bit of a soft look… but it was a near thing.

Mr. Collins once again gave a fulsome and detailed answer. He somehow refrained from naming me specifically, but he looked at me like I was the main course on the best menu of his life, and his meaning could not have been clearer. Whether it was admiration or avarice was difficult to tell, but it was clear he had an opinion on the subject, and the only thing keeping him silent was his thin hold on the rules of propriety. Even Mr. Collins knew that to declare anything publicly when he had not even asked permission of myself or my father would be too much.

Without batting an eye, Mr. Darcy pulled out a letter from his pocket, and said, "Mr. Collins, I have a missive here from the most important female in my life, and I believe I have been charged with assisting you. Am I to understand you have no father or uncle handy to advise you here in Hertfordshire?"

Mr. Collins looked a bit perplexed, but much to my shock he replied succinctly, "My esteemed father is dead sir, and I have no uncles or other close relatives."

For the first time, I actually felt a bit of sympathy for Mr. Collins. He said the word esteemed in a way that said accursed would be a better word if he dared use it, and for the very first time I wondered what kind of upbringing would account for his behavior. That left me with the uncomfortable feeling that more thinking about parents and children might either bring enlightenment or pain. I liked to make sport of Mr. Collins, but neither Lydia nor Kitty were noticeably better… nor was my mother for that matter. Perhaps I had been too quick to give fault. I certainly had with Mr. Darcy. Of course, when that thought popped into my head I thought maybe I should smack my own had with my fan.

In the meantime, Mr. Darcy had, in quite an unruffled and imperturbable manner, unfolded the letter from the most important female. When he did so, he held it in front of me where I could see it, and then did the sneakiest, must underhanded, most reprehensible thing you could imagine. Worst of all, I had no idea how he did it, but in the shuffle and unfolding the letter and showing it to me, he somehow hooked my left hand, put it in the crook of his arm, and pulled me closer so I could see the letter. Yes, he was definitely going to get a fan across the temple… eventually.

He continued completely without pause.

"Mr. Collins, I will not pretend to be a wise old man. I am not even married yet, but if you wish some advice, I graduated Cambridge with honors and have been the master of a great estate for more than five years, so I know a few things. More importantly, I will be happy to parrot advice given to me by my own father and uncles."

At this, I was worried that Mr. Collins was likely to fall over dead right on the spot. This would have solved my matrimonial problems quite handily, but it would also prevent my learning who my mysterious first dance partner was, so all in all, I reckoned I would prefer him alive for the time being.

Mr. Darcy in the meantime, did not even slow down, but I had a bit of a hard time following the first minute or so of advice he gave Mr. Collins, because my attention was caught by the letter from the most important female. Mr. Collins naturally assumed he was talking about Lady Catherine, but I ascertained that unless Lady Catherine had taken the unusual habit of signing her letters with 'your loving sister, Georgiana', this letter was in fact not from Lady Catherine. Of course, Mr. Darcy's sister was the most important female in his life, but his implication it could be someone else was just a bit disingenuous. For what purpose? Of course, I did not have much time to think about that, as the next thing I noticed was my own name appearing no less than three times on that page. I wondered what other Miss Elizabeth Mr. Darcy and his sister spent so much time talking about. Perhaps another cousin - the name was common enough? Of course, now was not the time to wonder, as Mr. Darcy was a bit relentless once he got wound up.

"Mr. Collins, let us get back to the matter of your perspective wife. May I presume to offer you some guidance?"

Mr. Collins started another speech, but Mr. Darcy was too fast for him, and just continued relentlessly.

"First off Mr. Collins, I will repeat what my father told me and hope his advice is good enough for you. At this moment, may I presume you have someone who is the most important female in your life?"

I saw Mr. Collins swallow in the effort to not say Lady Catherine's name yet again, and he just nodded.

Mr. Darcy nodded, and said, "Good! Now, whoever this person is, after you get married, she will become the second most important female in your life. Your wife has to come first."

Mr. Collins looked on in shock, and I had to admit that I found such a liberal view in the apparently traditional Mr. Darcy somewhat surprising. It was an entirely sensible and obvious sentiment, but not very common among the men I knew.

Not yet finished, Mr. Darcy relentlessly continued, "By second most important, I mean second most important by a wide margin Mr. Collins. Your wife is second to none until you have children, and then they become as important. The family must come first."

Mr. Collins was by now nodding, and I could practically see smoke coming off his head with the idea of Lady Catherine being anything other than first. I had no idea if the new idea would ever sink in, but maybe I could give him the benefit of the doubt… so long as that new most important person in his life was notme.

I chanced a glance at Mr. Darcy, and he seemed intent and amused. The two emotions would seem to be in conflict, but I had to sheepishly admit that he pulled it off very well. His next tack was a bit surprising.

"Now, Mr. Collins, let us get down to it. My aunt would expect you to bring home a gentlewoman, especially since she will eventually be mistress of Longbourn, and she should be versed in the management of an estate. Is this in accordance with your understanding?"

Mr. Collins once again launched into a litany of Lady Catherine's instructions, which Mr. Darcy bore with patience for as long as he could, and then he somehow got him wound down.

Mr. Darcy then caught me by surprise by pulling me a bit closer with his right arm. I was surprised to see my hand still attached to his elbow, and even more surprised to find that I did not really mind. I might extract a penance for his impertinence later, but for the moment I was… content.

He then looked right at me and unleashed that deadly smile and said, "Miss Elizabeth, may I presume you know all the gentlewomen of marriageable age in the neighborhood?"

I managed to refrain from rolling my eyes… barely, and said, "Of course, Mr. Darcy. Should I enumerate them?"

"Yes, if you do not mind."

I was wondering if there was a point to this exercise but decided to go along.

"Well, there are the Bennets as you know. Then there are the Lucases, the Gouldings, the Longs, the Harrises and the Thompsons. Most of the other four and twenty families have no daughters, or they are too old, too young or too married. All told, over a dozen ladies."

Mr. Darcy just nodded as if we were working on a business problem together. I cringed a little bit, realizing that there were very few eligible men in the region, and there were over a dozen competing for any that did show up. Things were not looking promising for my marriage prospects. Oh, I was not desperate enough to consider Mr. Collins, but someone would.

Mr. Darcy rubbed his chin in thought, which frankly looked adorable. He used the arm that I had my hand attached to, which gave me the perfect excuse to release it. I found myself quite surprised to see that was in fact his intent… to give me a casual way to release his arm, but he also did it gently enough that there was no awkwardness should I wish to retain it. I surprised myself by leaving my hand exactly where it was as he continued.

"That is a lot of ladies to consider, Mr. Collins. Since I know my own aunt well, let us see if we can narrow the field a bit, shall we?"

Mr. Collins was quite incapable of failing to agree with any plan of a Mr. Darcy, so he nodded vigorously.

Somewhat slyly, Mr. Darcy asked, "Mr. Collins, I am new to the neighborhood myself. Would you be willing to treat Miss Elizabeth as an expert on the local gentry population? I believe her knowledge to be superior to ours… not that ours is anything to boast of."

The last was said with a self-deprecating chuckle, and surprisingly, Mr. Collins chuckled along with him. I would never have thought the parson capable of understanding even basic humor, so maybe he was not entirely unredeemable.

Mr. Darcy then became very businesslike.

"First off, we should eliminate all those ladies that are too young for marriage. I believe my aunt would find anyone under eighteen years of age to probably be too young and silly. Would you not agree Mr. Collins… Miss Elizabeth?"

Mr. Collins spent a minute or so agreeing, and I agreed through the simple expedient of answering the implied question.

"I quite agree Mr. Darcy. That eliminates my two youngest sisters, Kitty and Lydia. It also eliminates Mariah Lucas, Annabelle Long, Janet Goulding and Amy Long."

Mr. Darcy nodded sagely, and said, "So that leaves the three eldest Bennets, Miss Charlotte Lucas and?"

I rounded out the list with, "Miss Bethany Harris and Miss Annabelle Thompson."

Mr. Darcy nodded again, and said, "Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. This is very helpful. Do you not agree Mr. Collins?"

Mr. Collins definitely agreed, so Mr. Darcy casually continued, but shocked me with his next.

"The eldest Miss Bennet is obviously being courted, so we can eliminate her."

I agreed enthusiastically while trying to restrain myself from shouting in joy.

Mr. Darcy just grinned at me and continued relentlessly.

"My aunt will want someone well versed in both religious matters, and in practical concerns around the house as the parsonage will not have a large contingent of servants. Does that eliminate anyone, Miss Elizabeth."

Mr. Collins looked very much like he wanted to say he had already made his choice, but every time he tried to wind himself up to say it, Mr. Darcy just carried on relentlessly. I thought his plan sound, so answered his question.

"If I answer that question, it must be in the strictest confidence. It could well be considered disrespectful." I stared hard at my cousin, and continued, "I already have Mr. Darcy's confidence. I will have your word as a future gentleman sir that this is between us. You will repeat it to no one, not even Lady Catherine!"

Mr. Collins looked at me curiously, as if I was wholly unexpectedly different from what he had in mind. I was not sure if he liked what he saw or not, but eventually had did give me his word.

Nodding, I said, "That criteria limits you to the eldest Bennet sisters, Charlotte Lucas, Louisa Goulding and Annabelle Thompson. The others are… er… let us just say not as Mr. Darcy just required."

Mr. Collins nodded a bit, and Mr. Darcy continued.

"Now, this next part is awkward… well…", and he looked a bit flustered.

Mr. Collins said, "Pray, continue, sir!"

Mr. Darcy then said, "My aunt prefers the ladies of her intimate circle to be… er… somewhat… er… quiet and demure. She does not abide impertinence well, no matter how elegant and ladylike. She most definitely would disapprove of a parson's wife with an education better than her own or her daughter's. I fear that would eliminate you, Miss Elizabeth… no offense."

No Offense! No Offense! NO OFFENSE!It took a few minutes to calm down enough to laugh at myself. At that moment, I thought the insufferable man had managed to convert the rap he was due on the head with my fan into a kiss. I saw the quirk of one corner of his mouth and had a sudden epiphany. This entire half‑hour had been designed by him just to deliver that line. I had asked him to protect me for an hour, and he, apparently being competitive, decided to protect me from Mr. Collins for my whole life. I wanted to jump up and dance around, and could hardly wait for him to work through his obscure protocol to ask me for permission to request the supper dance, because make no mistake… I intended to dance and sup with him.

Secure with the radiant smile I must have on my face, he delivered the coup-de-grace.

"So, Mr. Collins, it seems you owe Miss Elizabeth some thanks for making your task much easier. If you require a wife, you should consider Miss Mary Bennet, Miss Charlotte Lucas, Miss Louisa Goulding or Miss Annabelle Thompson. Is that about it, Miss Elizabeth?"

"Yes, Mr. Darcy. So long as Mr. Collins prefers to find a wife in Hertfordshire, I could happily recommend any of those." I omitted the subtext, anybody but me.