Teeth tightly clenched, Zoro slams the dining hall door shut behind him and trudges across the room to the sofa bench, which he surveys with ill-concealed disgust before unbelting his katana and dropping onto the cushions. Might as well take a nap. Sure as shit don't have any OTHER plans.

His crew mates are still faintly audible through the Adam wood walls. Luffy mostly - the captain's whooping like an overexcited, hyperactive five-year-old - but his ears also pick up Brook's unmistakable yodeling laughter and Franky's periodic yowls. The others are harder to identify, but he recognizes a sudden shriek of surprise and alarm as Nami's voice.

Goddamn it. I should be out there too.

But no, the green-haired swordsman's been ordered by physician and captain alike to cool his heels inside while the others defend the ship from this island's peculiar denizens until the log pose recalibrates.

He snorts, a smirk stealing across his face despite his irritation. Who would've guessed they'd find themselves accosted by a horde of beetles the size of small houses. The look on Sanji's face when they'd first spotted the insects in the distance-

The privilege of watching the cook's distressed squirming is almost worth being cooped up in here. ALMOST- but not quite. After nearly five weeks with nothing more eventful than a brief skirmish or two, not to mention his crew mates repeatedly refusing to spar with him no matter how much he's pestered or goaded them, he's itching for some action as well as the opportunity to test his shifting, much lower center of gravity.

And speaking of itching-

He glances up to make sure the door's firmly shut and no one's likely to suddenly wander in, then tugs his coat open and digs his fingers into his haramaki, scratching his belly through the fabric. This isn't as effective as directly addressing the bare skin itself, of course, but he's not making THAT mistake again. Not after discovering how tender the flesh along the sides of his stomach's becoming as it stretches to accomodate his growing passenger.

Recalling Luffy's last attempt to help relieve his itchiness, Zoro grimaces. I got enough of those nasty purple lines and shit already- I don't need claw marks all over me too.

Despite the discomfort caused by dry, distended skin and the ongoing commotion outside, however, it doesn't take long for him to start slouching in his seat. Sometimes he swears he does nothing but sleep these days, although he supposes it makes sense given how much energy Chopper says his body's using to support both him and the baby.

He yawns, scratching fingers gradually slowing and then coming a stop so his hand's merely resting against his stomach. The kid's wiggling again somewhere beneath it, producing that weird sensation that feels like soap bubbles popping inside him, but he's too sleepy to pay it any mind-

-until a deafening boom shakes the sofa beneath him, rattling the lamps in their fixtures, and his unborn charge reacts by delivering an unmistakable kick that's detectable inside AND out, poking hard against his palm.

Zoro jumps, startled by the sudden movement within his body as much as by the explosion itself. The shouting of his unseen nakama has intensified, and his instinct's telling him to get out there and see what's happened, but for a moment he finds himself simply staring at his own belly in stunned amazement.

Lurching to his feet involves greater difficulty than he'd like to admit. Rebelting his coat, he grabs his weapons and heads for the door at a quick trot with one katana drawn. Orders or not, if the crew's in danger-

He exits the dining hall just in time to witness Luffy using an oversized Gear Third fist to slug a giant beetle- which promptly detonates in a blast of fiery liquid and flying chitin, legs and mandibles.

This second explosion rocks the Sunny so violently the swordsman's forced to grab the door frame with his free hand. Evidently spooked again by the sudden noise and shaking, the baby gives another hard jab to his inner abdominal wall, and a sharp gasp of surprise escapes his throat before he's able to contain it, drawing the attention of the people still on the ship.

"Zoro, get back inside!" Chopper's immediately rushing up the staircase towards him, transforming to Heavy Point as he waves frantically for his older crew mate to retreat. "It's not safe!"

"Oi, quit pushing!" The swordsman protests as he's crowded back inside by the doctor's larger frame, gesturing towards the chaos with the sword still held firmly in his grasp. "They need help!"

"Not from you- and not with that!" The reindeer insists. "Brook cut one and it blew up right on top of him!"

Craning impatiently past the reindeer's shoulder, Zoro glimpses Franky helping their bony crew member back onboard. The skeleton's clothing is hanging on him in tatters and he's patting tearfully at the smoking remains of his much-loved feather boa. Standing beside them, Usopp's drawing back the cup of his Kabuto, preparing to fire a few fresh Pop Greens to cover Luffy's retreat from the battlefield.

There's already several ferociously snapping plants studding the rocky ground, but they're dwarfed by the beetles' immense size, and this time the sniper's selected a different seed.

"Take Javelin!"

Bamboo shoots spring from the earth, forming a botanical blockade between the Sunny and its six-legged assailants. One insect, closer than the others, is directly above the emerging spikes and explodes in grandiose fashion as its armorless underside's pierced in multiple places.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?" Luffy exclaims at top volume, bouncing onto the deck, shaking and blowing on his scorched knuckles. "THEY'RE SO COOL! I WANT ONE."

"They're trying to EAT us!" Nami snarls, shifting her Clima-tact to one hand so she can push the captain towards the steps. "Or chew us to pieces, at the very least. Now go let Zoro know you're alright before he decides to come down here!"

"Right, right! ZORO- ZORO, CAN WE KEEP A BEETLE?"

"Honestly," the navigator groans as the rubber man rushes off to join his waiting partner.

Beside her, Robin chuckles. "Did you expect any less? Ah- here comes our cook." She hesitates. "Oh dear, he looks rather unhappy."

Sanji returns smelling strongly of burnt rubber, cursing and energetically bemoaning his ruined footwear. "Goddamn shitty bugs! This was my favorite pair!" Pausing to pry off his shoes, he turns to head for the familiar, insect-free sanctuary of his kitchen- and recoils as he comes dangerously close to stepping barefoot on a disembodied bristled leg that's twitching on the lawn. "SHIT!"

Above, Zoro's snickering hard enough for Chopper to easily steer him further inside and out of the way, giving the doctor room to bolt for the infirmary and his medical bag.

"Didja see, didja see? They BLOW UP!"

"Yeah, Sencho, I saw."

"Wow. WOW. Imagine if you nailed one with a CANNON BALL. OR THE GAON CANNON, OH MY GOD, GUYS, WE SHOULD TOTALLY-" The captain breaks off, frowning. "Oi, Zoro, what's wrong?"

His swordsman's wincing repeatedly, one hand knotted in his sash beside his katana and the other making frantic shushing motions.

"What-"

"You're being really loud," the older pirate hisses. "-and somebody doesn't like it."

Luffy blinks, puzzled, and then his eyes widen and his mouth forms a round "o" of comprehension. "You mean the-" Delighted, he steps closer and reaches for his lover's haramaki, meaning to slip a hand inside, but then Chopper comes bustling back into the room and Zoro promptly sidles out of reach and heads for the sofa.

Although he's definitely far more comfortable saving the cuddling and belly-kissing and all that other disgustingly sugary shit for when they're in private, he truthfully doesn't mind his captain's recent overabundance of affection. In fact, if he's honest with himself, he's relieved Luffy WANTS to snuggle and touch him so much, because while he generally doesn't spend much time admiring his reflection - that's the cook's province, not to mention Franky's when he's contemplating another bizarre new hairstyle - the last few glimpses he's gotten of his own body have left him torn between loathing the sight of himself and wanting to stare in disbelief.

I'm getting fucking FAT.

Actually, no. Only part of him's getting fat: his increasingly protruding belly. Everything else looks pretty much the same, save a small degree of muscle loss in his pectorals and biceps. But the sight of his thickening midsection bothers him, makes him feel awkward and ungainly and just downright weird.

Sencho thinks it's CUTE, the swordsman thinks glumly as he watches the ship's doctor gingerly inspect Luffy's reddened knuckles before applying a thin layer of burn ointment.

"Now don't wash or wipe this off."

"Yeah, 'kay," the rubber man agrees thoughtlessly, shrugging free to join Zoro. He throws himself onto the sofa beside the older pirate, leaving translucent smears everywhere as he worms a hand inside his coat to cosset his abdomen and then leans down to address it. "Oi oi, sorry if all the noise scared you and Zoro, but we hadda chase the monsters away!"

Seeing his work undone in a matter of seconds, Chopper opens his mouth to protest, then closes it and turns away with a badly-contained giggle of amusement at the disconcerted, exasperated expression their green-haired nakama's wearing. The reindeer gathers his supplies, collects his bag and heads outside smiling to himself.

"... you really gotta do that in front of people?" Zoro asks after the door clicks shut and they're alone.

"Mmm?" Luffy's now curled against him with one sandaled foot hanging off the sofa bench and the other resting on its arm, face nuzzling happily into his haramaki. "I'm not doin' anything- I'm just telling the baby what's going on since he can't see it!"

Still calling it a boy, eh? He debates commenting aloud on the probability of this, but the hand gently rubbing his belly feels good, and arguing about fifty-fifty odds seems like entirely too much bother. It's quieted considerably outside, and the kid's apparently settled down too because it's no longer poking irritably at his guts and making him jump. And with exhaustion once more stealing over his mind and body, his captain's touch is making him increasingly drowsy, until staying awake becomes a struggle he's unable to keep fighting.

Preoccupied with his search for any potential movement he might discover within Zoro's middle, Luffy doesn't realize the older pirate's fallen asleep until he hears a quiet tinkling of metal followed by the faint rasp of snoring and glances up to find his partner's head tipped back, gold earrings swaying and face slack with lips slightly parted.

"Shishishi- Zoro sounds like he's purring," he tells the baby, closing his own eyes as he nestles closer to listen.

There's not much to hear besides the steady "lub-dub lub-dub" of his swordsman's heart and the liquid gurgle of various digestive processes, but he's found a warm, comfortable pillow and it's not long before his own breathing deepens.

xxx

"-says it'll be more than a week 'til the damn pose resets, so it looks like we're- oh. Shit. I didn't know anybody was still in here."

"Oh jeez, look at 'em, Swirly-bro; isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever seen?"

"Sweet. Sure." The cook mutters with distinct disgust, noting the thin trickle of drool escaping one corner of Zoro's open mouth and dribbling down his jaw. "Oi- don't call me that, okay? Bad enough I hear that shit from Mama Marimo over there."

Roused by the conversation, Luffy reluctantly raises his head and peers up at them, blinking blearily.

"Morning, captain," Sanji hails, voice thick with sarcasm. "Maybe you better wake that moss-headed idiot of yours up before he gets a crick in his neck."

The captain yawns and doesn't so much sit up as ooze upright, smacking his lips and stretching. "Nngh... Zoro sleeps so much, just being around him makes me sleepy too!" He gives the swordsman's shoulder a little shake, but although the older pirate's faint snoring sputters briefly and he makes a muffled noise of protest, he remains otherwise unresponsive. "Wow, you're really out of it, huh."

"Maybe you oughta let Haramaki-bro sleep if he's that tired."

"Yeah, but-" Taking his comatose lover's elbow, Luffy tugs insistently until the other man finally stirs, allowing himself to be guided down until he's lying with his head in the rubber man's lap. "There. Now you're not gonna wake up all stiff." He snorts at his own choice of words. "Well, not unless you get a boner or something while you're sleeping, anyway."

Franky coughs.

"Pretending I didn't hear that," Sanji mutters, dropping into a nearby chair. "Might as well fill you in since it doesn't look like you're going anywhere any time soon." He fishes a toothpick from his pocket. "According to Nami-san, we're gonna be dodging bugs for the next eight days. Usopp's fence looks like it'll hold for now, but we can't leave the ship, and if those six-legged shits keep piling up against the damn thing and knock it down..."

"Then we find out what happens if we blast 'em with the cannon," Luffy says, eyes glinting mischievously.

"Yeah, and probably blow ourselves up in the process. Anyway, it looks like we're stuck using long-distance attacks to fight those things, so Nami-san, Usopp and Franky here said they'll take watches in shifts 'til we can get out of here. But until then?" The blond wrinkles his nose. "Our little trio-" Gesturing with the toothpick to himself, Luffy, and the somnolent swordsman whose hair the captain's stroking. "-is just wasting time and space."

xxx

"Wow, you're both up early," Nami remarks a few days later as she and Robin enter the aquarium bar to discover it's already occupied. "How's Zoro feeling this morning?"

"He's fiiine," Luffy responds listlessly from where he's sprawled face-down on the bench, gesturing to where the swordsman, wearing his long-sleeved toggle coat securely fastened despite the warm weather, is standing on the other side of the room and peering intently into the fish tank. "Is breakfast ready yet, or is Sanji still throwing stuff?"

"Luffy, why is Sanji-kun-?"

"Sencho," Robin interrupts, frowning. "What in the world is Zoro-san doing?"

Nami takes another look and realizes the older pirate's not actually staring at the strange New World fish Luffy and Usopp added to the tank earlier in the week like she initially thought but rather examining the glass itself, brow slightly furrowed. As she watches, he raises an arm and starts scrubbing furiously at the surface with his coat sleeve. The navigator blinks. "Ah, Luffy-?"

"He said something about the fingerprints on the glass bothering him. I dunno why, but I think he's bored 'cause Chopper won't let 'im use the gym or go chop up a bunch of beetles," their captain groans. "Naaami, I'm sick of doing chores and I'm hungry!"

"I don't know what the hell's going on," Sanji grumbles as he appears in the doorway between the two women. "-but apparently the other guys threw these two out of the men's quarters because Marimo woke up a few hours ago and decided the entire room needed cleaning."

He drops a loaded plate onto the bench beside Luffy and watches as the captain lifts his head, nose twitching, and then bolts upright, cramming pancakes and eggs and toast into his mouth slightly faster than he can swallow them. "I'll bring you more when I finish the next batch- as long as you promise to stay down here and keep that crazy bastard out of my kitchen."

The swordsman turns away from his task to glare at the cook. "I TOLD you, the floor was dirty."

"Bullshit. My floor's clean enough to eat off, you shitty asshole!"

"Bullshit yourself," Zoro snarls. "You dripped batter all over it. And while I was down there cleaning up YOUR mess, I found fucking COBWEBS under the stove!"

Nami bites the inside of her cheek, trying not to laugh, because the older pirate – who frequently needs to be goaded or even threatened into helping with chores and cleaning or performing maintenance on the ship because he'd rather be napping on the lawn deck or messing about in the gym - looks positively offended by the possibility of spiders in Sanji's kitchen. She exchanges an amused glance with Robin. "Sanji-kun, was he seriously crawling around on the floor underfoot while you were trying to make breakfast?"

"I kept tripping over him. I swear he's lost his goddamn mind."

"It's not my fucking fault you can't clean up after yourself!"

Luffy, befuddled by his first mate's sudden intense interest in cleanliness, fidgets until he catches their amused navigator's attention and then solemnly lifts a hand to twirl a finger next to his temple in the universal sign for crazy, and she bursts into giggles, earning a fierce glare from Zoro, who's missed the exchange because the captain's on his blind side.

xxx

Later that morning, the Straw Hats' doctor finds himself unexpectedly cornered by a pair of baffled, aggravated crew members while making his way across the lawn deck on his way to the infirmary.

"Chopper. WHAT-" Usopp demands, "-IS WRONG WITH ZORO. BEYOND THE OBVIOUS."

"Haramaki-bro's actin' real weird," the cyborg towering over the reindeer agrees, removing his sunglasses. "Wakin' everybody up, bangin' the locker doors, bumpin' into the hammocks-"

"Oi, Franky, he knows- he was there," the sniper interrupts. "Chopper, he REORGANIZED my art supplies. I can't find ANYTHING."

"Well, it's possible his behavior's related to the pregnancy."

Usopp snorts. "So the baby told him to put all my jars of paint in the wrong order? Yeah, right."

"No- no, it's a documented phenomenon! Pregnant women sometimes experience a strong psychological urge to clean and organize their surroundings," Chopper explains. "A lot of publications refer to it as nesting, because the mother's subconsciously preparing herself and her environment for the baby's arrival."

A few feet away, Robin slowly lowers her book.

"Nesting," Usopp repeats. "You mean like a bird?" He and Franky exchange a mystified glance. "Zoro's NESTING. Like a BIRD." The corners of his mouth are starting to twitch.

"Haramaki-bro's gotta be the biggest parrot I'VE ever seen." The shipwright attempts to say with a straight face, but the tears of amusement beading in the corners of his eyes give him away.

They walk away laughing so hard Franky nearly drops and treads on his sunglasses in the process of returning them to his face, because Usopp keeps crashing into him.

Shaking his head, Chopper turns back towards the staircase to the upper deck.

"Chopper-sensei? Might I have a word with you?"

"O-Of course!" He hurries to where the dark-haired woman's awaiting him on her lawn chair, book now closed and set aside. "Is everything alright?" He's a bit confused at her tone of voice; it's somewhat reproving despite her placid expression.

"I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with our crew mates just now. Pregnant women," Robin says slowly, reciting words spoken by the doctor earlier. "Kenshi-san is not a woman."

"Well, no, of course not!" He's smiling, because the idea's absurd; Zoro's probably the most masculine, testosterone-driven person he knows. "But considering I haven't found a single recorded instance of male pregnancy in my-"

"I understand your desire to discuss his case in clinical terms, but Kenshi-san is a crew member and nakama, not a statistic. He's already well aware his situation's highly unusual, and he doesn't need that fact reinforced by constant textbook definitions discussing a gender with which he doesn't identify."

His smile's faded, replaced with stunned shock. Although the historian hasn't raised her voice once, there's no mistaking her stern disapproval, and at first he's too overwhelmed to speak, crushed that she's disappointed in him but also horrified because she's right- and until she brought it to his attention, it hadn't even occurred to him that he might be unintentionally alienating one of his closest friends. He swallows. "Did Zoro- d-did he mention anything?"

"Certainly not to me, and unless he's felt comfortable voicing his concerns to our captain, I highly doubt anyone else has recognized the extent of his insecurity even though he's been exhibiting a high degree of stress signals."

"I should've noticed," Chopper whispers. He's recalling the dozens of clues he somehow overlooked: the frequent nervous tics, the averted gaze whenever he happily rattled off another medical fact. "I should've known-"

"I only noticed because I learned to read such signs long ago- as a matter of survival," Robin assures him gently. "I'm afraid our swordsman's very adept at masking his emotions."

"Still, I should've-" The doctor takes a deep breath, raising imploring eyes. "R-Robin, what should I do? How do I fix this?"

"Kenshi-san trusts you, and he'll continue looking to you for answers. Perhaps he'll feel a bit more at ease if you simply deliver the information he needs in a more neutral fashion." She pauses, considering. "I would advise you do so regardless of whether he's present or not. The crew's perception is no less important, and even though he might argue otherwise, our judgement means a great deal to him."

Chopper's nodding, relieved, and agreeing that, yes, that's exactly what he'll do- not to mention delicately suggest to Zoro that he's willing to lend an ear whenever it might be needed- when he realizes the swordsman in question is hurrying across the lawn towards them. Carrying an overflowing laundry basket tucked under one arm and looking so angry that the reindeer's tempted to crawl under the lawn chair despite his firm resolution to be more supportive.

"Chopper," the green-haired pirate growls, flinging down the massive load of clothing. "What the HELL did you say to Usopp and Franky? The stupid bastards keep following me around talking about birds and nests and flapping their goddamn arms and making fucking CHIRPING NOISES."

xxx

"I don't care what you were doing," Nami's scolding elsewhere, arms crossed over her breasts as she glares at the two men sheepishly sporting fresh lumps on their skulls. "Keep antagonizing him and I won't rescue your sorry asses next time he pulls a blade on you!"

"Funny method of rescue," Usopp mutters, gingerly fingering his injured head.

"Excuse me?"

"N-Nothing!" The sniper waves his hands, laughing nervously. "I just said thanks for the rescue!"

"I'm sure," Nami tells him dryly. "But seriously, stop pestering Zoro. Spring cleaning or cabin fever or nesting or WHATEVER you want to call it, I don't care- but if he's suddenly volunteering to wash the entire crew's dirty laundry without being bullied into it, I am sure as hell not stopping him and neither are you."