"Why are you crying?" The words came out of Kurt's mouth before he could stop them and he instantly wished he could take them back. What was he doing talking to the very person who was keeping him hostage? Sebastian's heavy sobs continued, his choked breaths filling the room just as Kurt's had the night before. When the seconds became minutes and Sebastian didn't answer, Kurt couldn't say he was surprised, after all, why would he answer?
They both continued to sit there, Sebastian still crying and seemingly oblivious to Kurt, who was still staring unabashedly at him. Sebastian's entire body was shaking; even his hands were trembling as they clawed at his own face as if he could erase whatever it was that had affected him so much. Kurt was surprised at how easily he was able to read Sebastian's body language, and the realisation that Sebastian was acting as if he were as trapped as Kurt was completely unnerving.
And then without warning, Sebastian spoke.
"I'm-" He whispered so quietly that Kurt barely heard him. "I'm sorry."
Kurt stared in shock at the other boy, wondering if he was mistaken in thinking that Sebastian was addressing him. Sebastian didn't move his hands from where they were covering his face but he spoke again, louder this time and more desperate.
"I'm sorry," he repeated again, his voice burning with a heavy emotion that Kurt couldn't place. "I'm so sorry."
There was no mistaking it that time, Sebastian was definitely talking to him and the shock at that realisation wiped any previous assumption of Sebastian in Kurt.
"You're sorry?" Kurt asked, hating how confused and weak he sounded.
At first, Kurt thought that Sebastian wouldn't answer but only a few seconds passed before Sebastian spoke again, lower this time and less frantic.
"T-treating you this way," he was obviously trying to keep the shaking in his voice under control. "It's so inhumane, it's sick. It's not fair and nothing can j-justify it." Sebastian took a deep breath. "And I'm a part of it all and god what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?"
Kurt remained silent.
Sebastian's words had rendered him speechless and unable to really process what they could mean. His head was abuzz with intense feelings of confusion and dominantly one single thought, who was Sebastian? He couldn't be James Smythe's son, not if he was reacting like this. The Smythe family was heartless, everybody knew that. Someone in the Smythe family wouldn't let themselves be this vulnerable, let alone let another person witness it.
Kurt inhaled deeply, unable to stop the sounds of Sebastian's now quiet sobs from invading his ears.
"Who are you?" he whispered and Sebastian only turned his head away in response, a quiet whimper leaving his lips.
Kurt sighed at the not wholly surprising gesture and without really a reason to, continued to stare at Sebastian. He was still shaking but no more sounds escaped him except for the shaky breaths he took every few seconds, a constant reminder of his presence in the empty room.
He had looked so helpless; Kurt had been able to tell what he'd been feeling. And the similarity to his own feelings scared him, made him question everything he had known or thought he'd known about the situation.
But Sebastian had also looked terrified, not how Kurt was terrified of the guard but instead like he was terrified of himself. As if he couldn't bear to live with himself, as if he wanted to claw his way out of his body. And it scared Kurt.
It scared him that the situation was much less black and white than before, it scared him that he should have been angry but didn't know how to be angry when he didn't know anything. Could Sebastian really mean what he said? And if he did why was still here?
Kurt studied the other boy's form, slumped up against the wall and breathing steadier than before. It was too much, too much on top of everything else, Kurt's head throbbed painfully, a reminder of what had happened only hours before and the pain was enough of a reminder that Kurt needed to sleep.
He gently eased himself back into his sleeping position, only making sure that he was facing Sebastian. He didn't know why he did it but it was almost like he didn't want to miss anything that Sebastian might do.
He fell asleep to the quiet rhythm of Sebastian's breathing.
"So he was crying?" Piper asks, leaning in infinitesimally.
"Yes," he says blankly, trying his best not to think back to that moment again. While it had been particularly painful when it was actually happening, now even just the memory causes him to feel lightheaded with anguish.
He had done nothing and now he could never change that, never change that he let himself fall asleep.
"When you saw him like that," Piper begins and his stomach twists. "Did you feel….sympathetic?"
The interview has been going for so long, the questions and answers all blurring together already when they're barely half way through.
"I was…curious."
It's the truth and yet it feels as if a knife is being twisted in his gut and he has to bite his lip from making a sound.
"Curious?" he voice lilts and she gestures with her well-manicured hands for him to continue.
"Curious, it means unduly inquisitive." That's what he would have said a year ago but he has lost his snark, lost his biting sarcasm and he simply cannot be bothered.
Instead he says, "I didn't understand it, even though it had only been a few days I expected them to be all the same and it shocked me that he wasn't."
"Wasn't what?" she asks and he knows it purely for dramatic effect.
"He wasn't the same as the rest of them, as the guard."
"But Kurt," she widens her eyes and her tone is sympathetic in a pitying way. "He was the same."
The urge to protect flares inside him and he has to clench his fists to stop from swinging them.
"He…. He really wasn't."
Kurt woke up slowly, shifting on the mattress as his eyes fluttered open. He could not remember if he had dreamt at all and for that he was grateful. He continued to lie there, eyes half closed and his head still foggy with sleep, that was until he focused on where he was looking and he noticed that Sebastian was leaning against the wall, head away from Kurt.
"Ah!" He let out a strangled cry and sat bolt upright as the memory of Sebastian's breakdown resurfaced.
He whipped his head to the side to see that despite Kurt's outburst Sebastian was still not looking at him. In the dim light Kurt could vaguely see the puffiness of Sebastian's eyes and also the way his hair stood out in different directions as a direct result of his hands clawing through it.
Kurt continued to breathe heavily, unsure of what to do. If it weren't for the physical evidence of what had happened Kurt would have sworn it was a dream. The raw intensity with which the other boy had cried out was disconcerting and his words even more so. He didn't need this extra complication, his own pain and that of his father's was already a heavy enough burden and yet here was a stranger, the very person who was keeping him locked up, begging for forgiveness? Kurt wasn't stupid, he knew very well that it could be a trap to lull him into a false sense of security but it was hard to ignore the way the boy's pleas echoed in Kurt's mind, and the ferocity with which he had condemned himself had him think that maybe he had been telling the truth. But really, Kurt supposed that despite the fact that Sebastian had directly addressed him, the words hadn't been for his benefit nor had they been directed at him.
Kurt shook his head to himself when he realised that he was still staring but it was so hard to look away. In a way it was almost a distraction, a selfish way of avoiding his own situation. Focusing on another's pain instead of his own.
Kurt moved gingerly off of the mattress, conscious of the fact that while the pain in his head was merely a distant ache it could very easily flare up if it was jolted. It reminded him of McKinley and the days when he was pushed into lockers and slushied, back then he had referred to it in his mind as "hell on earth" and the naivety of it made him want to laugh at the bitter irony. He'd had possibility, he'd had plans and dreams but looking into the future now, all he could see were two options.
Getting out alive.
Or not getting out at all.
Ten minutes later Kurt re-entered the room, face still wet from when he had tried in vain to clean himself with only soap and water. For one second Kurt had wished for a shower and maybe a towel but the stupidity of wanting such luxurious and material things when he wasn't even sure if he would ever live to see his father again had made him flush with shame.
It was hard not to be selfish when you were completely alone, it was hard to focus on anything that didn't affect him and Kurt couldn't or maybe didn't want to change it.
And seeing Sebastian, still leaning against the wall and looking at the door made him curious in an almost morbid way. To flesh out the other boy, to try and figure him out and who he was would be so easy to try, a way of not only distracting himself but also a way of giving Kurt a purpose. Kurt immediately rejected the idea, feeling sick at the idea of using another person .
But that's exactly what they're doing to you.
He ignored the little voice in the back of his head, clenching his hands into fists as he made his way over to the mattress. Instead of sitting with his back to the wall adjacent to Sebastian, Kurt decided to sit cross-legged at the end, still facing Sebastian but a good metre away.
He didn't want to be this scared, this vulnerable. He wanted false bravado, he wanted brazen confidence but all he could find was helpless acceptance that it could only get worse.
He studied his hands, counting the lines on his palms while trying to keep his breathing even. He was hungry of course, not to mention thirsty but he doubted very much that food and water would be a regular occurrence and the idea made him shiver.
He did not want to die slowly.
He did not want to die at all.
He choked back a sob and continued to breathe in and out, counting his breaths inside his head.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…
At five hundred and three Sebastian stood up but Kurt kept counting, forcing himself to not to look up as he heard the other boy make his way to the exit and leave, shutting the door heavily behind him.
Kurt felt himself relax immediately, unaware that he had been so tense. He crawled up the mattress, stifling a groan at the stretch in his muscles. He leaned against the wall, arching his back in an effort to ease the knot in his spine. He did not know how long he had been sitting hunched over like that but it had been long enough, too long maybe, but in this space where time was limitless it hardly seemed logical to measure it.
At the sound of the door being opened, Kurt was seized by the fear that it was the guard coming in with perhaps another syringe but instead Sebastian entered, carrying a tray with the same amount of rice and water as before.
Kurt felt his heartbeat slow down a small bit and his stomach rumbled at the sight of food. He tried to not look too eager as Sebastian set the tray at the end of the mattress, still averting his eyes.
He didn't have the strength to abstain from the food though and when Sebastian had resumed his spot on the floor, Kurt immediately went for the tray. The distraction of food was more than enough and for the next five minutes Kurt was able to focus only the relief he felt at getting food and also of the relief of the water against his cracked lips.
He was finished much too soon though, despite having drunk the entire bottle of water this time. He had also meticulously limited his mouthfuls to the size of a teaspoon and it was because of that that Kurt did not realise until he had placed the water bottle on the tray and turned his head that Sebastian had been and was still staring at him.
This time Kurt did not make any exclamation at all, instead he silently regarded the other boy. Sebastian was not looking at him desolately like he had before, nor was he hiding behind a mask of cold indifference. Instead he was staring at Kurt with an openness that astounded him. But he did not have time to decipher Sebastian because upon realising that Sebastian was looking at him, Kurt had instinctively twisted his whole body around to face the other boy, effectively notifying Sebastian of Kurt's awareness.
Sebastian's face immediately tightened, eyes narrowing and Kurt could see that Sebastian was both physically and mentally closing in on himself. When Sebastian opened his mouth, Kurt's mouth fell open but the shock of hearing him speak was immediately forgotten by Kurt over the cold, harsh tone of his voice.
"Stop staring, gayface."
The words ricocheted inside Kurt's head and memories of Karofsky, of tall, hulking football players towering over him and of the endless stream of taunts that had always followed him, even despite his father's congressman status, invaded his senses. He felt his face go pale and he forced himself to look at the other boy despite the tears clinging to his eyelashes. He hadn't expected it to come up here, hadn't expected it to follow him wherever he went but here it was again, he couldn't escape the mockery of his sexuality and who he was.
Expecting to see hatred in the other boy's face, Kurt was surprised to see that Sebastian looked horrified and was staring at Kurt with wide eyes.
"I-" Sebastian began, an unmistakeable tremor in his voice as he spoke. "I-god- I'm sorry."
Kurt continued to stare, his hurt morphing into confusion at the other boy's rapidly crumbling composure.
"That's not me," Sebastian finally finished, the conviction in his voice strong. "I, I wasn't thinking, I was just, I was, I'm just me and I'm just so… Look, I'm sorry."
The strangeness of what the boy was saying and what he had already said was gradually building up the intensity of Kurt's confusion. And not just the confusion about Sebastian's true character but also about his part in Kurt's own fate and Sebastian's role in the vicious Smythe family. So Kurt wasn't going to accept that apology.
He would never give them anything, not when they had taken almost everything.
So instead he nodded, keeping his eyes unyielding as he kept them on Sebastian. He was admittedly a little less tense at Sebastian's garbled apology and Sebastian's vulnerable stance on the floor had made him feel infinitesimally more in control. Kurt knew without a doubt that if he were to attack Sebastian in that moment he would win, the few self-defence lessons he had taken would ensure that, especially combined with the way Sebastian was sitting, almost completely defenceless with his arms wringing uselessly at his sides. But outside of that room he wouldn't last two seconds, the guard he knew that waited outside was more than capable of taking Kurt out and who knew what lay outside of there? No, Kurt was stuck here and he couldn't even try because they would kill him if he did or perhaps even worse, they would drug him so that he wouldn't wake up, forever stuck in a haze he couldn't escape.
He wanted to feel his pain, not drown in fog.
"I'm not homophobic", came Sebastian's voice quietly, interrupting Kurt's thoughts and Kurt startled a little. "Really, I'm not."
Kurt had heard that one before, he'd heard friends, school mates and even teachers say that and it was always followed by a "but…".
"But the idea of two guys holding hands just grosses me out."
"But I just don't think that you should come out, maybe you could date a girl?"
"But I just don't think it's appropriate for you to be in a relationship this young, it's different for gay people."
Kurt braced himself for the obvious continuation of Sebastian's statement, thinking that perhaps he was similar to Finn, able to move past it but never completely accept it, but it never came. And Kurt's relief was tinged with the strange feeling that had been on the edge of his consciousness ever since Sebastian's cries had woken him, the feeling that he shouldn't have been acknowledging Sebastian's presence, even in his mind.
"That would be ironic…" Sebastian said and Kurt stared in confusion, wondering if perhaps he had missed something. Seeing Kurt's expression, Sebastian's expression turned unreadable.
"I'm, uh, I'm actually gay too."
Kurt's blood ran cold.
A/N Once again thank you all for your kind reviews, I'm pretty sure I replied to all of them :) This fic now has a beta! The very lovely offered to beta and i couldn't refuse. Thank you all so much, hope you enjoyed the chapter.
