-Rated R for- Drama, Language, Slash, Sexual Content
-Spoilers- All five books.
-Summery- This is a Harry/Draco fic that happens in the sixth year. Draco finds out that sometimes feelings are mixed up.
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Hidden
Desires Chapter 4 This Is The Way I Am
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Lupin smiled kindly at all of the students. Harry glanced over at Ron and Hermione. Ron had an oddly giddy smile upon his face. Hermione was staring at Lupin with bright eyes that were filled with absolute admiration. Harry found himself then glancing over at Malfoy. The other boy was watching Lupin, but the look on his face was hard to read. He forced himself to look away and back at Lupin. It wasn't like Malfoy was especially interesting to look at; or at least, he convinced himself that he wasn't.
Lupin spoke in a soft voice that broke the deafening silence that filled the air. "Ah yes, you've seen me before. Allow me to introduce myself again. My name is Remus Lupin. Professor Lupin to you," he added with his usual warm smile. "I'll be your Defense Against Dark Arts teacher this year."
Several Slytherin students sneered. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan both began to applaud.
"I have to mention that most of your last Defense Against Dark Arts teachers haven't taught too much. You should be much deeper into this subject than you are, since you're now in your sixth year," said Lupin while going through some scraps of parchment that lay on his desk. "And the Professor you had last year was rather pointless."
Ron grinned at Harry. Harry remembered Professor Umbridge well, although he really would have liked to have forgotten her.
"So it's time to get you caught up. I have faith in all of you. I've already seen that many of you are quite talented with defending yourselves against the dark magic out there. Very handy with a wand." His eyes flickered over at Harry for a brief moment.
Harry could see out of the corner of his eye that Malfoy had turned and stolen a glance at him. Harry deliberately stared straight ahead at Lupin.
He didn't really feel like hearing about how he was good at Defense Against Dark Arts again. It seemed like someone always wanted to bring it up. Bring up his battles with Lord Voldemort. Lupin was sure to bring it up.
But he didn't.
Lupin never mentioned once about Harry's brave battles with You-Know-Who. Not even once. What kind of alternate universe was this turning into?
They proceeded to have a fascinating lesson about Dragons. Harry couldn't really imagine why they would ever have to defend themselves against Dragons. Was a Dragon going to come out of the wild blue sky and just start trying to devour everyone? Lupin seemed to think it was very important though.
When the lesson was done and all the students had left except for Harry, Hermione, and Ron, Harry said, "I want to have a word with Lupin," to Ron and Hermione, "Go ahead. I'll catch up."
They left without question.
Harry walked over to Lupin in a rather nervous manner. Of course the man had noticed him and said, "Hello Harry."
"Hi Professor Lupin." Harry smiled at him.
Lupin was giving him a questioning look that almost looked like, "Whatever you want, go ahead and ask." Harry couldn't help but to notice the look.
"I wanted to ask you.. I wanted to talk about.. Sirius," said Harry quickly as the words jumped out of his mouth like they wanted to be free from all the built of sorrow that dwell inside.
The man's already faded eyes shown paler than usual at the mention of the name. They seemed to be covered in peaceful, yet beautiful fog. A thick fog that covered every bit of sadness and emotion, and wouldn't let Harry inside and find out what was going on inside his mind.
"Sirius?" repeated Lupin.
"Yes," said Harry firmly.
"I knew you would," said Lupin looking down at his desk. Little did he know, Harry had something else he really wanted to talk about too, but couldn't mention it. Talking about Malfoy with Lupin wasn't really a welcoming thought. It wasn't like Lupin was his bestfriend where he could just come out and say whatever he was feeling. Harry knew that he couldn't even tell Hermione or Ron. Why would he have thought that talking to Lupin would be different.
"Well, what do you want to talk about Harry?' asked Lupin with a steadily saddening gaze.
"I really don't know. I just felt like I needed to mention him," Harry was feeling a sickening pain inside of himself.
To his surprise, a faint smile appeared on Lupin's face. The teacher kindly said, "You know, sometimes I feel the same way about it."
"What?" asked Harry.
"I just feel like I need to mention him. His name is almost a disappearing comfort these days." He dropped his head looking down. There were too many emotions going astray on Lupin's face that were impossible for Harry to read. He was regretting ever bringing up Sirius. The painful look that Lupin was carrying was hard to watch.
"I'm sorry," whispered Harry. "I know how much you cared."
Lupin looked back up at Harry and grinned. "I know how much you cared too."
Then Lupin looked as if he as debating what he wanted to say next. Carefully he measured all his words and said with firmer tone, "It's really something different. Losing all your best friends."
Harry felt a flit of emotion speed through his body. He thought of Ron and Hermione for a moment. Then his thoughts turned to his father. Lupin was also talking about his father. Harry's father, James Potter. He realized how it must have been so terrible for Lupin to live with losing Sirius and James. Peter Pettigrew was considered a total loss. The man who betrayed them all.
"But it's okay. I shouldn't really be talking to you like this, but thanks," said Lupin with a smile.
Through the mix of confusion that was clouding Harry's thoughts, he found the words, "Thanks for what?"
Lupin stood up from his desk and said, "For bringing up Sirius." Harry felt the finality of the conversation and decided that now was definitely the wrong time to bring up Malfoy, he said a quick goodbye and left the classroom.
As soon as he had exited the room he heard a voice next to him say softly, "I saw you comforting your teacher."
Harry turned and was greeted by Draco Malfoy's sly smile. He pointed at the Slytherin boy and said quickly, "I don't want to hear your shit right now. I swear, if you start giving me your mouth I'll-"
"Oh I'll give you my mouth all right. I won't mind the whole mouth part but I must warn you that I do bite." He grinned evilly and clicked his tongue.
Harry raised his eyebrows very high at Draco. What the hell was he talking about? "You're insane," said Harry firmly.
"Maybe so, but you've caused me to be this way," said Draco is an almost sexy voice and habitually put hand through his sleek blonde hair that fell so perfectly into his fiery gray eyes.
"What do you want anyway?" asked Harry crossing his arms ignoring Draco's last words purposely.
These words were way too familiar to Draco. His eyes fell heavily upon Harry's as he thought for a moment. His thoughts were being clouded with Harry's intense presence. It was almost weighing him down. His legs were beginning to feel weak..
"Well?" asked the Gryffindor tapping his foot.
"Does it really matter? How come you haven't walked away by now?" asked Draco sneering.
"You know how many times I've wanted to ask you that same question?" responded the boy shaking head and his raven black hair that was constantly messy like he always just had a really good snog.
"What?" Draco's eyes seemed to lose their fire momentarily.
"How come you keep pursuing me? What the hell are you really doing? And don't give that stuff about what your mom supposedly said to you."
"Oh, and is that a threat?" responded Draco eyeing intently. "What are you going to do? Hex me until I give you my reasons?"
"No, but now that you mention it, it isn't such a bad idea," Harry said cocking his head to the side slightly.
Draco noticed how he did that a lot. He couldn't help to notice it. He noticed everything.
"Just walk away, Malfoy."
These words rung between them like a bell that refused to be quieted.
Finally Draco responded, "I can't. This is the way I am."
"Well change it!" yelled Harry impatiently.
"Why?" asked Draco before he could stop himself.
"Because!" Harry managed to calm his voice more, "Because, I have a girlfriend and you do too and you don't really want me and you know I don't want you. Do you realize you've kissed me twice. Twice, Malfoy! That's two more times than any of us would have ever expected. And everytime I ask you why you did it or what is going through your mind, you refuse to give me an answer! Then you say something that you mum said to you! I don't see what it has to do with you going mental and you trying to engulf my mouth with yours!"
"You can be such a damn half-wit sometimes!" yelled Draco louder than intentioned.
"Really? Am I? Well explain yourself to me and maybe I'll agree about me being a half-wit," responded Harry green eyes flaming.
Draco calmed himself down and started speaking soft and slow. "Don't you understand? Mothers have power over their children. I heard it before. It's what helped saved you from You-Know-Who isn't it?"
Harry felt like punching Draco as hard as he could for mentioning his mother. How did Draco know anything about what saved Harry? But he only nodded weakly listening has hard as he could.
"Well," he continued, "It strikes a chord, you know. Lights a flame. It's magic at it's deepest. It my case, it's almost dark magic at its worst."
"Your mother doesn't love you," said Harry before he even thought about it.
Surprisingly Draco didn't return a cruel comeback but only continued on, "The words she speaks are strongest when she's feeling an unusual amount of love. Right now, my dad is in the biggest Wizarding prison out there. Who does she have? Me. It may not always seem like it, but people do care about eachother in my family. If they didn't, we'd all probably be dead."
"So?" asked Harry. "You think your mother's 'love,' and I use the word loosely mind you, has some effect over the way your emotions are working right now?"
Draco nodded. "I don't know what else would be causing this. It's not like I ever felt this way before. Love. It's sickening and its power is too hard to escape."
"Oh, you're telling me! I've been trying to escape you for a while."
Draco grinned slightly even though the words almost hurt him in some odd fashion. "Well what do you think?" he asked.
"What do I think? About this whole situation?"
"Yes, and the theory about my mum," said Draco in a graceful voice that slid quickly into the dull silence that lay anchored there for a long moment.
"Oh, I don't know. I think there is more to it than you're letting me on to."
"What do you mean?"
He stood there with a thoughtful look. "I don't know. It just doesn't make much sense, you know?," said Harry, "The way you became nice to me all the sudden and decided that you felt like making out with me at random uncomfortable spots. I mean, what's up with that anyway?"
"Of course it doesn't make sense!" said Draco looking of utterly confused, "It's not like I understand it. But you've got to believe me. You're the only person that knows and I can't depend on anyone right now.."
"And why should I believe you? You've never given me much reason to have any faith in you before."
"I know," said Draco seeming crestfallen.
"But," said Harry carefully, "I'm sort of inclined to believe you right now."
Draco looked at him with hopeful eyes. For some reason, Harry didn't want to make him hit rock bottom again.
"All right," he continued. "Yeah, I believe you."
"Really?" asked Draco watching him.
"Yes."
Draco looked as though he was about to kiss Harry again, but he stopped himself.
Harry cast a weary glance at him. He wasn't sure what he was getting into with saying he believed Malfoy. Draco looked so relieved that Harry just didn't feel like bringing the other boy down again right now.
"Thanks," whispered Draco who turned away and began to walk away.
Standing there, Harry just stared at the back of Malfoy. Draco's perfect form disappeared down the hall.
This felt too strange.
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"What happened? Where were you, Harry?" asked Hermione as they sat in the Gryffindor Common Room at a large table, writing papers for Defense Against Dark Arts class. "You totally missed lunch. We were worried."
"I told you I was going to talk to Lupin," he said absentmindedly writing down about the Chinese Fireball dragon. He began twirling his quill around his fingers thinking about his conversation with Lupin earlier. He had had two meaningful conversations within a few minutes of eachother. It was definitely something to think about.
"Oh," responded Hermione. "You talked that long?"
"Yes," Harry said quickly. It was half-true.
"What did you talk about?" asked Ron trying to steal a look at Hermione's paper.
"Sirius."
Ron and Hermione both looked back at Harry. Hermione's eyes seemed fixed on him with a desperate manner. Ron looked pitifully at Harry and said softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.."
"Don't worry about it," said Harry taking off his glasses examining them then putting them back on and adjusting them. "We had to talk about it sometime, you know?"
They both nodded fervently. Ron wasn't too keen to stay on the subject but Hermione seemed concerned and continued further into it.
"Harry, you know, if there is anything else you want to talk about, Ron and I are always here." At this, she put her hand on Harry's and continued. "You know that, right?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Good."
He had too much on his mind right now.
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Draco sat on his four poster immersed in his Potions book, but he wasn't really reading it. Just staring at it blankly as he drifted into pleasant thoughts of Harry. Harry said he had believed him. That meant so much to him right now. More than anything else. More than curing his obsession with Harry that he nurtured the best he could when it ached and pained him most. Harry, was the only one he loved and the only one who knew. It felt secretive. Normally, Draco would have found that more intriguing, but he felt the urge to talk to someone else about these deep feelings that rushed through them.
Someone who would try to understand him.
Pansy.
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"You're in love with a boy?" asked Pansy with wide eyes.
Draco shushed her quickly and looked around to make sure no one was listening. Everyone else in the Slytherin Common Room was already immersed in their own private conversations and probably could have cared less about anything that was going on in Draco's and Pansy's intimate conversation.
"Don't shush me!" she said, although she dropped her voice considerably, "You're in love with.. a boy?"
He nodded. To his surprise she smiled a bit. "Oh, I was worried why you lost all interest in me! I've always found myself to be an gorgeous creature and I thought I was losing some of my sex appeal."
He grinned and said, "No, it had nothing to do with that."
"So, who's this boy anyway?" she said, ready to hear a good piece of juicy gossip coming her way.
"You'll never believe it," he said.
"Try me," she said staring at him deeply.
"Can I trust you?" he asked uncertain.
"Draco, in the past I've given you every reason to trust me. Despite things that happened in my past childhood, I've grown and I'm not quite so immature where I'll run off and tell everyone that you're in love with some boy. So, who is it?" she asked again, excitedly.
Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes not wanting to see the look on her face. Slowly he said, "Harry Potter."
To his surprise she didn't gasp or scream or yell out to everyone that he was in love with Harry Potter. He opened one eye and looked at her. She didn't even look remotely horrified. She looked quite thoughtful and seemed to be playing the words through her head. He opened his other eye looking at her with curiousity.
"Well?" he asked expectantly. "Aren't you going to tell me how insane I am?"
"What? Oh, no. It's not really insane you know," she said.
He stared at her with wide eyes. "Who are you and what did you do with Pansy?"
She laughed at his sudden outburst of words. "Oh Draco, be quiet will you! Listen, it's not totally ridiculous. I mean, it's not really hard to see it either."
"What do you mean?" he asked wearing a very confused expression.
"You being in love with him. I mean, there is always lust behind such hate it seems," she said in a dreamy voice. "Oh, it's so romantic! I can barely stand the sexual tension that's running through you right now!"
"Sexual tension? What the fuck?"
"Oh yes! I can feel it! You're thinking of him right now and all the wrong and right thoughts are rushing through your mind. They're all revealing themselves through your facial expressions. OH!" she said dreamily, "I've been dumped for Harry Potter! It's romantic."
"I'm sorry," he said smirking.
"So when did it happen?" she asked.
"When did what happen?"
"When did you realize that you were in love with him? Did it dawn on you when you saw him walking through the halls? Or was it in class when he wears those mildly innocent looks on his face when a teacher addresses him?"
"Sounds like I'm not the only one with a crush on him.."
"Don't be stupid. I don't have a crush on him. I just noticed things he does. It's not really hard to, he's an attractive boy. Oh, this is like a secret love affair! I love it, I love it!"
"Don't get all excited yet. He doesn't feel those same feelings towards me that I have for him," said Draco in a very disappointed voice like a little child who found out Santa wasn't real.
"What? Why? What the hell is the matter with him?" she asked with her mouth hanging open wildly.
"He still is in love with this Cho Chang girl or so it seems."
"Eww, I hate that one, I do!" said Pansy quickly. "Wouldn't it be nifty if she found some other boy or something..?"
Draco had an evil grin cross his face. "Or another girl.."
Pansy looked like she was about to squeal with excitement. "You have some evil little plan playing out in your mind right now, don't you?"
Draco smiled.
Telling Pansy would work to his advantage more than he thought.
Cho was going to leave Harry. He was going to make Harry love him.
The only problem is, he didn't want to hurt Harry in any way. What was he going to do?
End of Chapter
4!
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Continued in chapter 5, soon to come!
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