The characters within are strictly the property of Showtime and CowLip.
I do not own ANY of them. No copyright infringement intended in any way.
This story contains graphic language, violence, and some adult situations ;)
You have been warned. Enjoy!
Chapter 4:
Dreams Forced into Fruition
_Justin's P.O.V_
Everything was dark, cloaked in an utter silence as I walked. I could barely see anything and the feeling that was ravaging my insides was ripping the breath from my lungs. That feeling was fear. My feet were bare, the floor underneath them felt metallic and cold. I blinked my eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness but not quite succeeding. I could barely make out anything other than the fact that I was in a room. My hands were shaking and my breath came out in short gasps and pants. I took a step forward and my foot hit something solid, furniture maybe...I didn't know. All I knew was that I didn't want to be here. The creeping feeling that something was watching me was crawling up my spine like a soft gust of wind, just enough to give me chills. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came. I felt the sudden urge to run, so I did. Only, there was nowhere to go. Nowhere.
I jolted from the bed, my hands shaking as I looked around me. A bed, warmth, and a sleeping man beside me. But the darkness was still there, not literally but metaphorically. If there was something that I could trust above all, it was my dreams. I could never explain it to someone without them thinking that I was crazy but I trusted them completely. Ever since I could remember, I've had these dreams...dreams that, more often than not, would come true. Either that or they had a specific meaning.
This dream was no different.
I knew that this dream meant something dark was headed my way. I didn't know the exact meaning right now but as I looked around the room, down at Brian sleeping peacefully beside me...I knew one thing for sure. I had to leave. Usually when I had these dreams, I would paint them or write them down so that I could use them as inspiration...or warning. I ran my fingers through my wet hair and got up from the bed. I went to where my pants were and pulled out my cell phone. Making my way back to the bed, I began pulling on my jeans. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head when I reached the bed. I knelt down next to Brian's sleeping form and placed my hand gently on his shoulder.
"Brian..." I whispered as I gently shook him. He scrunched up his face and pulled the pillow that I had been sleeping on close to his body. I smiled. "Brian...I need your phone number." I whispered next to his ear. He grumbled a bit and then rattled off a stream of numbers in his sleeping state. I entered them into my phone and slipped it back into my pocket. Before I made to stand up, I took a moment and just looked at him...sleeping so serenely. I leaned forward and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. He pulled the pillow even closer to his chest and smiled softly.
And then I left. I don't know why I had to leave right then but the feeling in my gut was so strong that I couldn't ignore it. I flipped open my phone and saw that it was nearly 3am. I couldn't call Daphne so I decided that I would take a walk down memory lane. I knew that Liberty Avenue was only a few streets over and that the diner should still be open. Plus, I was fucking worn out and starving. Maybe Debbie still worked there. I always liked her. I breathed the cool night air as I turned onto the main road. The lights lit streets that were nearly abandoned at this hour of the night. It was a relief. I needed some quiet to think. The diner wasn't really the 'quiet' atmosphere but seeing a welcoming face would be just what I needed. Then I saw the bright lights of Liberty Avenue's numerous venues, most of which were thriving night clubs pandering to the sex crazed and energetic. Now it was just a matter of time before I was walking into the diner, being greeted by the sound of plate clattering and the after hours bustle of customers.
I looked around and made my way to one of the back booths. Everything was just how I remembered it when I would seek shelter from the bullying assholes of St. James Academy years before. I picked up the menu just before I heard the familiar screech of one Debbie Novotny.
"Sunshine! You're back!" She wailed as she made her way to the table. I took one look at her over the top jewelry and her red wig and smiled. I really was home. "How is everything baby?"
That was the million dollar question wasn't it. I really didn't know how everything was. I mean, from what I could tell the show had been a success, and on top of all that, I had met the man of my dreams. But that's what was puzzling me. My dream. But I knew that Debbie wouldn't understand so I just shook my head and smiled.
"Everything's great Deb. How have you been? How's everyone?" She stuffed her pen and pad into her apron and took a seat across from me. Her face went from a cheery welcome to a more solemn expression. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it.
"Well, baby, you remember Vic right?" I nodded my head and something inside me made my hand lurch forward to hers. "He passed away about a year ago. It was...um..." She started tearing up and I knew exactly what had happened.
"It was complications with his HIV wasn't it. Michael found him didn't he." Her eyes locked with mine and her brows furrowed as she nodded slowly.
"How did you know?" She said, followed by a sniff and a firm wipe at her eyes. Now that I really couldn't tell her. It was something that I had always been able to do. Kind of like an intuition...or a psychic feeling. I don't know.
"Just a lucky guess." I said with a shrug as I consoled her. "But how have you been?" She shook her head and smiled a bit.
"I've been fine Sunshine. Michael's found himself a boyfriend. His name's Ben and he's really good for him. But I've been fine..."
"You said that." I interrupted her with a smile. She popped her gum and gave my cheek a little pinch.
"I'm so proud of you Justin. You've really made something of yourself, what with being a hotshot artist and all. Everyone is so proud of you baby. What about the love life eh?" She said with a wink. I had to laugh at that. Leave it to Debbie to throw in something about sex.
"Well...I have met someone and I think...I think he's the one." I said a little hesitantly but with a huge smile on my face. Her face lit up and she cackled.
"That's great baby! What's his name? Where'd you meet him? What's he like..." She would've kept going had I not stopped her with my laughing.
"Hold on Deb. I met him at my art show tonight, he's fucking beautiful, and he's amazing in bed." I finished with a little blush. She only smiled brighter.
"That's the best. So what's his name then?" She was giddy and smiling.
"His name's Brian Kinney." Her face stilled and she popped her gum again. "What?"
"Brian Kinney...as in my son's best friend?" I stopped a moment and thought. I knew I had heard the name somewhere but it didn't dawn on me that it was the same Brian Kinney that Michael was always going on about.
"Shit...I think so." I said with a smile. "But Michael doesn't still love him does he?"
"Honey, Michael will never stop loving Brian. Hell, they've been best friends since they were fourteen. So...probably not."
Shit. I knew how Michael got when it came to Brian. I just hadn't really thought about it. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it I guess.
"Just be careful Sunshine." She started off hesitantly. "Brian's a wonderful guy it's just that...well, he's never been good with letting people in. Hell, he hasn't had that great of a life. Just...don't get yourself hurt alright." I nodded at her warnings and gave her my best Sunshine smile. "So...what'll you have?"
_Brian's P.O.V_
I woke up hugging a pillow firmly to my chest, the sunlight was blinding me. My eyes squinted in the brightness beaming in through my industrial windows. I blinked rapidly as I realized that I was alone. At first, I was saddened at the feeling but then it dawned on me that this was what I wanted. I didn't want to hurt Justin and waking up alone had somehow vindicated the fact that no one would want to stay with me. That saddened me even more. But as always, I would press on. I would put on my mask of indifference and go about my normal routine. After all...this is what I wanted.
Wasn't it? The safety of being alone. Not allowing anyone in so that there was no chance of anyone getting hurt. I ran my hands through my tousled hair and made to get up. I scooted to the edge of the bed, sitting there a moment and letting the sleep shake from my body. As I stood, I caught a glimpse of the silky blindfold from the night before...the blindfold that I had used on Justin. God, this is how it begins. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before trekking on to the bathroom. What I really needed was a scalding hot shower. I knew for sure that that would clear my head. I turned the knobs and tuned the temperature of the water to just below searing and stepped in. My body objected to the temperature of the water and that caused me to suck in a sharp breath through gritted teeth. I dropped my head and watched as the water slowly turned my skin a bright crimson color. I invited the burn. I wanted to feel something that would take away the thoughts of the brilliant blond from the night before. But it seemed that even the burn of the water couldn't erase him completely. At this point, I was wondering where he had gone, when had he gone, and...why.
In the back of mind, I couldn't shake the feeling that he had somehow realized how damaged I was. How fucked up I really was and...left. I slammed my palm against the shower door and, not realizing my own strength, shattered it.
"Fuck!" I pulled my hand against myself, realizing what a terribly shitty idea that had been. I watched as the blood trickled down my wrist. The gash in my palm was starting to sting like a son of a bitch. I reached for a towel and tried to sweep as much of the glass from the floor as possible before stepping out. I made my way to the sink and began to remove the tiny shards of glass from my hand. With every shard, I cursed myself for doing that. What the fuck was I thinking? I know what I was thinking. I wasn't. With too much shit on my mind, I had just been fucking stupid. When I cleaned the wound with some alcohol, I began getting dressed. Even though it was a Sunday, I felt like I needed to get out of my house. I just needed to...go.
I had finished getting dressed, nothing special...just jeans and a t-shirt, when I heard my phone vibrating. With my phone going crazy, I read the ID and it was a number that I didn't recognize. I went to put it in my pocket and just ignore it but something inside me beckoned me to answer it. I sighed and flipped it open.
"Kinney." I drawled into the phone with a borderline annoyed tone.
"Good morning to you too." The voice on the other end of the phone made me smile unconsciously. Justin. But as soon as the smile crossed my lips, my head was screaming at me not to be nice. It was warning me that this wasn't what I wanted. So...I took the warning.
"How did you get my number?" I sniped into the receiver.
"Well...you gave it to me Brian." His voice was soft and caring as I shut my eyes tight and pinched the bridge of my nose. This was definitely not what I wanted. At all. I had to end this right now...
"Look...what happened between us last night...it didn't mean anything." My tone was annoyed but it was killing me inside. The feeling in my gut was almost unbearable and the words that followed made the feeling even worse. "I don't care about you...you're not anything to me and I'm not your boyfriend so just forget about me alright?" I could almost see his reaction over the phone. I really couldn't explain it but I knew that he wasn't feeling sad or angry. He was feeling...disappointed. If I had been standing in front of him, I would've been able to feel his oceanic blue eyes piercing me with disappointment. I heard him sigh but before he could speak, I flipped the phone shut. At this point, I couldn't trust my mouth not to speak what my heart wanted. With my brain congratulating me and my heart screaming at me, I really had to go.
I just had to figure out where. Then my phone vibrated again and I almost didn't look at the ID for fear that it might be Justin again, but I did. Michael. I flipped the phone open and only spoke one sentence before shutting it again.
"Meet me at Woody's in 10 minutes."
_Justin's P.O.V_
I pressed end on my cell phone when I heard Brian's phone flip shut. Shit, Debbie had been right...he really didn't let anyone in. But there was something in his voice when he spoke. It was a hesitation that I picked up on like second nature and it was speaking volumes louder than his irritated voice. I knew that deep down, he didn't mean a single word that he was spouting. But I couldn't worry about that right now. When I had gotten back to the hotel room around 4am, Daphne was already up and setting about writing down orders and prices for my paintings. She had been recording addresses to ship them and keeping check of the money we received. When I saw her, she gave me a knowing smile.
"So...how was *your* night?" She had asked as she put the papers down and greeted me. I just smiled at her and sat down on the bed.
"Wouldn't you like to know." I had said as I leafed through the paper work. I furrowed my brows and thought about how many respective clients that I had here compared to New York. That's when the craziest idea came over me and I had to smile at how ridiculously mad it was. Daphne looked at me like I had two heads.
"What?" She had asked with a confused expression on her face. I just looked up at her and shook my head before I spoke.
"I know this sounds fucking crazy but...is there any way that we could lease my apartment in New York and buy something here?" Her face scrunched and she began laughing.
"Are you fucking serious?" She had asked as she gathered the papers up and put them into a folder. "Justin, why would you want to move back to the Pitts. I remember us both talking about never wanting to be here ever again. What the hell changed?" I had just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. Honestly, if I told her that I thought that Brian was the one and I had the feeling that if I left, that would be it...she would've laughed in my face and sent me to a shrink.
So...I made shit up.
"Well, I noticed that the revenue of my work is taking off here and that clients are ringing our phones all the time wanting paintings. Plus, here I wouldn't be living in a fucking cracker box in a shitty apartment building with a drugged up neighbor trying to steal my shit. I mean, it makes sense that I we actually use the money to live in a nice house and actually have money to spare. Plus, I've got enough in savings to help me through a few dry seasons if my paintings don't sell fast enough. Come on Daph...it may be the Pitts but I'm so tired of New York." I had watched her face soften and an understanding take hold of her. She had to agree with most all that I was saying. Then, a miracle had happened.
"Alright. Let's do it." She had said with her palms raised skyward. "But don't complain when you can't get a pizza at 4am." I had laughed at her and it was done.
Now as I sit in the living room of the hotel room, holding my cell phone, I'm debating whether or not buying a place here was a wise decision. My head is telling me that I'm a fucking idiot...but my heart is telling me that all I have to do is try. Try to make him realize that there's something different about me. That there was definitely something stronger between us, even stronger than the vibrator that he was using on me. I swear to god I can still feel that fucking thing. But the feeling in my gut is telling me that this road will not be easily traveled and that doing so will be treacherous.
That brought me back to my dream. The fear that I felt was so strong. It was so vivid and real that it scared me more than anything. As I'm thinking about it now, my palms are starting to sweat and my stomach is twisting into knots. In all honesty, I didn't know what scared me more...the darkness that seemed to seep into every pore of my body or the fear. My mind was turning it over so much that I was beginning to feel the migraine setting in. I couldn't think about this anymore, it was making me physically sick. I decided to take a pain killer and lie down. I would stop thinking about all the shit for an hour and then I would try to contact Brian again.
_Brian's P.O.V_
I had met with Mikey at Woody's about ten minutes after he called. I knew that he would want to know what was so urgent about meeting him but I couldn't tell him. I mean, this was Michael. He would interrogate me until I told him but not this time. This time it was something that I couldn't explain to him for the fear that he would find out what I am and I would lose him too. Hell, I've kept this secret for eight years...what was one more day.
The bar was nearly empty on a Sunday morning at 10am and I was sort of glad for it. I didn't need anyone hitting on me in my mentally fragile state...such as it was. I met Mikey at one of the tables toward the back, he had already ordered two beers and had them waiting. This was why I was friends with him, his knowledge of me. Even though he didn't know as much about me as he thought, he was still a sympathetic friend. I slid into the barstool and grabbed one of the beers, I hadn't said a word and yet, somehow I was talking with my eyes, my actions...even my breathing. I locked eyes with Michael, trying to convey how I was feeling but at the same time not wanting him to know anything. We regarded each other for a moment before I realized that he saw nothing. He just saw me, his best friend and love of his life. Yeah, I knew that he had been in love with me since we had met but I would never act on those feelings. I just didn't share the kind of love that he wanted and I knew that even if I did, I'd end up hurting him. So, I smiled at him and took a swig of the beer.
As soon as he saw the smile, he reciprocated and drank his beer. That was the thing about Michael, he was so easily fooled into thinking that everything was peachy keen and alright. I had been kidding myself into thinking that Michael could read me like that. Hell, the only people that could read me like that was Mother Debbie, Lindsay, and...Justin. But I couldn't categorize them all together. Debbie saw me as the abused fourteen year old from my past, Lindsay saw me as her best friend plus she was just great at reading people, but Justin... There was something totally different about the blond that I had met the night before. He had a certain air about him that made him so different than anyone else I'd ever met, fucked, or blew off. He was able to read me with just one glance. Just one fucking glance from those blue eyes and he could see right through my walls and into my soul.
And that's what scared the hell out of me.
I was barely listening to Michael prattle on about some shit that had happened between Ben and himself or the fact that his comic book store wasn't doing that well this month. It was all bullshit that I just nodded at. He wasn't even aware that I hadn't said so much as a word and I was kind of glad for it. It wasn't that he didn't care...because he did. He was just so air-headed most of the time. He had been talking for well over twenty minutes about his life, his mom, his store, and his bullshit problems when I signaled the bartender to grab me another beer.
"Brian...are you even listening to me?" His whiny voice cut into my thoughts and I turned my attention to him and spoke for the first time.
"Yes, Michael...I'm listening. Your store is doing shitty right now, Ben and you are arguing about buying a house, your mom is working too hard...is all that right?" I snapped at him unintentionally. He reclused a bit and furrowed his brows.
"What's with you? Some trick want to stay over last night?" He snorted at his little snipe and took another swig from the bottle. That statement hit the sore spot in my chest that was still smarting. I rolled my lips into my mouth and picked up the fresh beer bottle, taking a long swallow. If Mikey had really been paying attention to my actions he would've realized that he had struck a chord in me. But alas, he was talking again.
Sometimes I wish he would just shut the fuck up. But I had asked him to meet me at Woody's, so I would sit here and endure the relentless word vomit that he was spouting...nodding ever now and then. He talked for another fifteen minutes solid when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out without Michael noticing and flipped it open.
'I'm sorry about upsetting you earlier.
Can we talk? Call me please.
-J'
Somehow, reading these words made me want to jump for joy but at the same time, I was scared shitless. My mind was swirling with thoughts of what I should do. Should I call him? Should I forget about him? Should I make up an excuse and say that I can't call him? What do I want? What should I do?
All of these thoughts were twisting my brain and knotting my stomach. And on top of everything, Michael was still fucking talking. This had to stop...right now. I flipped my phone shut and looked up at Michael. My eyes bore into him long enough that he stopped talking and stared back at me. I let out a deep breath through my nostrils.
"Look, Michael, thanks for meeting me here but I've gotta go." I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible. The less questions, the better. But of course, that was never the case with Michael.
"Where are you going? Do you want me to come with you? I could..."
"No, Mikey." I said too quickly, causing him to stare at me in a deeper form of confusion. I just shook my head and made to leave. Michael was calling after me but I couldn't look at him anymore. Besides, my headache was quickly becoming a migraine and I needed to go somewhere quiet. I rolled over the options, Lindsay's was a no go because of Melanie...Debbie's was knocked off immediately, Kinnetik was an option but I didn't want to face work. That only left my loft. Shit. I knew that as soon as I walked into my home, I would be assaulted with memories of the previous night. Then it dawned on me. The only place that no one else had been, my place for the one night out of the month that I hated.
I got into my car and drove home. The silence in the car was deafening and I couldn't take it. I pushed the stereo on and listened to the smooth sounds that poured from the speakers. A few minutes later, I was unlocking the door to my building on the corner of Fuller and Tremont. Since the entire building was mine, I didn't worry about disturbing anyone when I slammed the door behind me and stalked toward the industrial metal door next to the elevator. I slid the key into the padlock and heard the rusty metal clang of the door as I pulled it open. I hated this room but it would have to do for now.
My shoes tapped the metal floor as I flipped the light on and shut the door behind me. I looked around the room, at the stone walls with deep gashes etched into the cinder-block, the metal floor with past traces of blood from my transformations, the factory lights that hung from the ceiling, and finally, the metal chair that was turned over in the corner of the room. I walked across the expansive room, rivaling the size of my loft, and turned the chair upright. I sat down on the cool metal seat and clapped my hands together. I twisted my fingers around each other as I closed my eyes and thought. The last thing I wanted to do was think but it looked as if my mind had other plans. I took my phone out and looked at the message that Justin had sent me. The fact that Justin thought that he was the object that upset me was tearing me apart inside. If only he knew that it wasn't him, that it was me, then maybe he would understand. Maybe he would understand that I'm not good for him. That I'm not good for anyone, then maybe he would just move on and find someone that was capable of the love that he so deserved.
I closed out the messages and saw the glaring notification of a date and time that I dreaded. Three days from now, the moon would blossom to it glorified fullness and I would change. I would become the object of my fears, the undeniable monstrosity that lurked below my masked surface. The notification seeped into my very being as another reason that I had to end whatever feelings that I had for Justin. In the short amount of time that I have known him, I felt like he could understand me better than the people that I've known most all of my life. And that's the thought that is killing me. The power struggle between my brain and my heart was driving me mad.
I had to end this train of thoughts that was barreling out of control. I had to drink them away, I had to fuck them away. Sitting in that chair in the room that, to me, closely resembled what my hell would be, I lost track of time. I just sat, staring at the room and thinking. Before I knew it, I had been sitting in that room for three and a half hours with nothing to do but think. When I checked the time on my phone, I decided that I had had enough of this torturous behavior.
I needed a drink. So, I ventured up to my loft and had one...well, I had a bottle and a half.
-Later That Night-
_Justin's P.O.V_
I sent the message to Brian almost twelve hours ago and yet, still nothing. As I sat in my hotel room, I couldn't take this shit anymore. I called Daphne and told her that I wanted to make a trip to New York and get my things. The faster that I could get this move on track, the faster I could begin to work on Brian. Any normal person would've forgotten about it and moved on, but there was a stirring feeling in my heart that was telling me to be patient. I took a deep breath and decided that I would make it an early night.
Tomorrow was going to be a busy day.
