Chapter 4

"Good day, Madam Secretary!" The screen went black and Elizabeth let out a huff of frustration.

"I hate it when he does that," she muttered, closing the program on her laptop.

"Ma'am, I think he does that just to spite you," Jay said wearily.

"Of that, I have no doubt, Jay." Elizabeth sighed. "Well, we're playing the waiting game for the next few hours. Why don't you go home for a while. I'll call you when we hear something."

"Ma'am, I-" Jay started and she shot him the "don't argue with me" look. "Thank you, Ma'am." He backed out of the office, and loitered just outside the doorway feeling guilty that she was staying when sending him home. He was just about to step back in and have that argument when she came flying around the corner and plowed straight into him.

Instinctively, Jay caught Elizabeth by the arm before she could go sprawling on the floor. "Shit Jay! You scared the crap out of me." She balanced herself. "Thanks. My next conversation with Chen probably would've been interesting if I had rug burn down my face." She threw him a self deprecating grin. "Why are you still here?" She didn't even pause before continuing already knowing the answer. "Henry is out of town, and the kids are doing whatever it is that they're doing. No one is at my house. I can stay. Go spend a little time with Chloe. And tell her I said hi."

Jay held his hands up in concession. "Okay. I'm going. You're sure?"

"Jay," she'd adopted that tone which meant he had about three seconds before he got his ass chewed. He turned and headed down the hallway toward his office to get his coat and bag. Elizabeth stepped into the breakroom to pour another cup of coffee. While waiting for a new pot to brew, she poked around for something to eat. Ten minutes later, armed with fresh coffee, an overripe banana and a protein bar that wasn't that expired, she went back to her office to wait for Ming to get back with her.

Relaxing on the couch, she pulled the fourth journal from the pile on the end table. She'd brought it a few weeks ago when she thought she was going to have to pull an all-nighter, but that didn't come to pass. Now seemed to be the perfect time to delve in.

March 17, 1996

I thought I was done with this, that I had finished grieving, but apparently not. In a few days it will be thirteen years ago that my parents were killed. It's been creeping up on me. Thoughts of them are more frequent now in the wake of losing the babies. I don't know that I've ever believed in Heaven, but in some weird way I would find it comforting if my parents were now taking care of our babies. It's sort of morbid that death is occupying so many of my thoughts lately.

I also desperately want to try for another baby and Henry wants to wait. Wouldn't it be nice if we were ever on the same page at the same time? We flip flop a lot. He does want more children, but he's worried about me.

Work is stressful. Ever since the World Trade Center was attacked, we know how high the stakes are. We are working to both prevent attacks and capture anyone who is plotting against us. We are severely outnumbered I fear. Not everyone takes us seriously. Conrad gets it, but he's at the mercy of the President and SecDef that want defense spending to go elsewhere.

The benefit of busy work days is that it keeps my mind occupied. At home, Stevie is now running and climbing all over everything. It's good. If I don't have time to think, I can brush my feelings aside.

Elizabeth flipped a couple pages and was surprised to see that she jumped a large span of time.

August 13, 1998

I haven't written much in the past couple of years. Between work being crazy and trying to be all in when I'm at home, I haven't had much free time. That and there seem to be fewer reasons to need to journal right now, but I remember that Mom said to put the good things too, so I'm finally expecting again. I think we're past the point of total fear. I was 7 weeks along both times I miscarried, and I'm past that point now, so I have my fingers crossed that everything will be okay. Henry is hovering and it's driving me nuts. Only seven more months (hopefully). If Henry keeps it up, I may wring his neck by then.

November 30, 1998

We're having another girl. Henry is over the moon. I kind of thought he'd be a little down over wanting a boy, but he's in love with his girls. I am happy also, but I wouldn't mind a boy. I think our family will be complete though. We've had to work pretty hard to get the two we have (or almost have). Henry painted a wall purple in Stevie's room and we'll put the crib there. We should look at getting a bigger place at some point, but not now. Besides, I would've loved to share a room with a sister. We'll have to see how Stevie feels about it.

December 21, 1998

Henry surprised me by taking me out for our anniversary. It's a rarity. Since Stevie has been born, we just don't go out by ourselves much. He hired a babysitter and we went to a nice restaurant and then to a play. It was fabulous. Eight years married. Twelve together. It seems like we've been together forever and for a split second all at the same time.

December 26, 1998

Stevie is mad that Santa didn't bring her a baby. Uh, nope! Not yet baby girl!

March 15, 1999

Alison Mary McCord was born this morning at 4:23 am. 8lbs. 3 oz. and 20 inches long. Even though she seems tiny, she is still so much bigger than Stevie was. I remember how scared I was when Stevie was born. I'm probably overconfident now, but I'm really at peace, and happy. Huh! It's surprising how things turn out so much different than what you can imagine them to be when you are young. My 15 year old self didn't believe either would ever be possible. I'm happy to say that I was wrong.

March 30, 1999

Yes, I was overconfident. I rescind everything I've ever said about being a parent of an infant being easy. Alison is proving me wrong. She nurses around the clock, never sleeps unless she is on me and cries the moment I put her down. She won't even let Henry hold her. He says it's fine and he's been spending his free time with Stevie and taking care of the house. I say that like he doesn't normally have a lot of housekeeping duties. He does, but he's been doing the things I usually do because Alison is literally attached to me. Even as I'm writing, she's curled against my chest. I'm supposed to go back to work in 5 weeks. There had better be a drastic shift before then or our lives will be nightmarish.

April 18, 1999

Just got home from Ali's one month check up. The doctor thinks that she has food sensitivities and what I'm eating is making her feel bad. Great! No gluten, no dairy. This may literally kill me. I live on pasta with cream sauce.

April 25, 1999

As much as I don't want to admit it. Noodle, as we now call her, is a different baby. She's happy and smiling and sleeps up to four hours at a time. I didn't think the change would happen so fast, but three days in and we could tell a difference. I miss pasta horribly, but if it means that she will stay with Henry or Janie and be happy, then I'll deal with the inconvenience. I'm going to go eat another handful of carrots because with no carbs, I'm hungry all of the damn time!

Elizabeth chuckled remembering the day when Noodle was about 18 months old and had finally weaned herself. That first bowl of fettuccine alfredo was probably the best pasta she'd ever eaten. She was thankful that Ali had outgrown those early food sensitivities. Constantly thinking about what food she could or couldn't have was a pain. She couldn't imagine being a kid and having to deal with that responsibility.

She flipped forward through a few pages of Stevie being jealous of Ali, a beach vacation where Ali ended up sunburned and Stevie's first days of half-day pre-kindergarten. Then a photo fell from the pages and fluttered to the floor. Elizabeth picked it up, a smile forming on her lips, and she turned the page.

January 15, 2000

We did it. We are finally home owners. It's a 3 bedroom Craftsman style house, with the master bedroom off of the living room and 2 more bedrooms upstairs. Henry and I decided to keep the girls together and make the extra bedroom a playroom/guest room for the once every three years Will graces us with his presence. There's a nice yard in the back for the girls. Henry says his dad and brother will come down and they'll build the girls a swingset. Dear Lord. Remind me to be gone when that happens. I have a bit of a longer drive, but we're out of the city and Henry's commute to UVA is shorter. I feel like we're grown ups now.

March 25, 2000

No one reminded me. I cannot believe no one died in the building of the swingset. The girls are ecstatic though. Ali loves the baby swing and who even knew that Stevie was part monkey? She's climbing on everything. Hopefully the beer and pizza at the end of the day smoothed things over between Henry and Patrick. They always seem to be at odds.

September 2, 2000

I'm pregnant. I just took the test. When I told Henry we should try for three, I wasn't really being serious. Now, we have to go through the wait. It's not so much the idea of another baby I'm wary of. It's the possible loss. Fear of loss is the reason I didn't want more children. Henry says it's in God's hands. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

October 8, 2000

I'm eight weeks today. I am hopeful.

October 13, 2000

The USS Cole was attacked yesterday, and I started cramping and had some spotting. I don't think I can do this again.

October 20, 2000

I am cautiously optimistic. So far, the baby is still okay. I'm scared and trying to limit stress. At work, it's impossible though. Isabelle is hovering and her trying to not stress me out is really stressing me out!

November 25, 2000

I think Henry may never speak to his family again. Thanksgiving was a challenge. Maureen made a comment about how I wasn't cut out for motherhood because of my demanding job and Henry went off. It was hurtful, but she doesn't know about our struggles and we haven't told anyone about this new baby yet. After our first loss and having to tell everyone I lost the baby, I refuse to tell people until it's absolutely necessary. I was much less upset about it than Henry. He's more worried than he says. I wish we could talk about it. We communicate so well on so many things, but there are a handful of hard things that we just ignore.

Elizabeth held the closed book in her lap. She still found it hard to believe that, at that time, they had been together so long, and knew each other so well, but they had so much to learn, so many tough times ahead. Back then she thought that deployment and miscarriages were hard, but that didn't come close to the thing that nearly broke them. She sighed, but then smiled. They had made it, and besides, she had a bit to go before she got to that anyway.

Elizabeth flipped forward a few pages and happy tears unexpected sprang to her eyes when her eyes fell on a picture of a new baby Jason, taped to the top of the page.

May 15, 2001

Jason Patrick McCord was born healthy at 8:20pm, 8 pounds, 15 ounces and 22 inches long. He looks half grown already. I'm watching Henry hold him. He doesn't think I'm paying attention, but I know he's crying. He was being strong for me, but I know he was as scared as I was. I am very thankful in this moment.

August 15, 2001

I returned to work two days ago. I love my job so very much, but I wasn't ready to come back this time. With the girls, even when we thought Noodle was our last, I was more than ready. I would like to say it's Jason that needs more time with me, but I don't think that's it. He loves his Daddy time and has taken to Miss Janie easily. I think the stress and feeling of impending doom at work has me anxious. There is a cloak of heaviness on our office since the USS Cole bombing. Something is coming. We just can't get quite enough information to piece something meaningful together. I have a feeling that each day that passes means something more dangerous, more vile, more evil is planned.

September 11, 2001

Dear God. It's worse than anyone could've possibly imagined. I am torn between wanting to crawl into bed with my babies and never leaving and going nonstop until we find the bastards and kill them.

December 16, 2001

It's 2am and I can't sleep, and wouldn't even if I wanted to. I'm cuddling Jason while he sleeps. He's growing so quickly and I'm missing so much of it. Guilt is eating at me. I'm either at work or thinking of work when I'm home. Henry is trying his best, but I know he's growing impatient with me. He wants me to forgive myself, and I cannot.

Closing her eyes, Elizabeth thought back to that time. She was always racked with guilt in one way or another. She spent so much of Jason's babyhood distracted. She did have several entries of milestones. Elizabeth made a mental note to go find Jason's baby book when she got home and add those dates. Hopefully on the ones she and Henry guessed on wouldn't be too far off, and there were several little stories she could add also.

There was a large gap, and seeing the date, she realized why she'd picked up the journal at this particular time.

May 20, 2003

Twenty years. How is it even possible? I've lived more of my life without them than with them. Henry has been in my life longer than Mom and Dad were. Sometimes I wonder how I would've turned out if I hadn't met Henry. He filled a hole in my heart that I thought would be a gaping wound forever.

He's mad now. Maybe not mad, but frustrated and scared. We celebrated Jason's 2nd birthday this past weekend and I leave for Iraq tomorrow.

Henry thinks someone else should go. He doesn't understand. I've tried to explain. It has to be me. I know this bastard. I'm going to find him and I'm going to make him give us everything he knows. He knows a lot. We need this information. It can save lives. Innocent women and children, families torn apart. US soldiers are losing their lives-devastating their families. It has to stop. I have to go.

November 22, 2003

I made it back home today. Finally. I don't know that I will ever get the sand off of me. I swear the hot wind imbedded that shit in my skin. I always feel unclean. I never understood why taking a shower was the first thing Henry wanted to do when he arrived home from his deployments, even though he'd been laid over in Germany both times and I knew he'd showered there. Now I know. Although I wonder if my uncleanliness isn't also symbolic. I did what I was supposed to do. I followed all of the rules. I did nothing wrong. I just wish I knew why I can't stop thinking about it.

February 4, 2004

It's 3am and I can't sleep. Again. It seems I can never sleep more than a couple hours at a time. It's eating me alive. Henry sees, but he cannot know. Tonight he went all Socratic on me (have I ever mentioned how I hate when he does that?). As much as I don't want to admit it, he has a point. The past cannot change. My peace has to come from what I can change in the future. Now, if only I had a fucking clue what that means, maybe I could actually sleep.

March 1, 2004

I've got it. I know what I need to do.

September 17, 2004

I did it. It took a long while to do the research necessary, but I finally finished my report. I ran it up to Director Dalton's office tonight before I left so I didn't chicken out again. I've had the report done for nearly a month, but it takes a lot of courage to hand your boss a report that may likely get you fired. Henry has no idea why he keeps refilling my glass of scotch this evening. I don't know how unemployment would look on me.

April 3, 2005

I just reread my last entry and the ability to foretell the future is something that I should probably license for sale. Last week, Conrad told me that he shared my report with all of the higher ups, the President included. I thought for sure I was done-terminated. But then he said it had merit, and he wanted me to be Station Chief in Baghdad. I would implement the new policies. I would change the face of military intelligence gathering from human assets. It was unbelievable.

I had no idea how opposed Henry would be to the idea. I didn't think he would like it, but I thought he would understand-he would understand how I needed to do this. I could make it right. He was the one that told me I needed to change the future so I could right the wrongs of my past.

I know that he doesn't see it that way; he gave me a choice-my family or my job. He can't seem to understand that after writing the report, I either have to be part of the solution or leave. Staying and watching the same ineffective strategies continue is no longer an option. There is no choice really. I turned in my resignation this morning. But now what am I going to do?

Elizabeth turned her body to lay down on the couch and close her eyes. For years she held onto that resentment. She learned to function, and even thrive. She loved teaching, and she was good at it, but there was always that part of her that knew she left too soon. She and Henry were at odds for at least a year if not more. Rough patch didn't begin to describe it. They barely spoke, moving around with and for the kids, but not each other.

Flipping ahead a few pages, she knew she didn't write it down, but there was a particular night, early spring she guessed, because she remembered being wrapped in a quilt on the porch swing in their backyard. By this point, she was better, now working on her doctorate, teaching as an adjunct at the community college for something to do, to bring in a little money. The thought of not contributing to the family finances at all was unacceptable to her for some reason.

Elizabeth's mind wandered and she thought about that for a moment. Henry had been on sabbatical more than once and not all were paid. Never had she thought about which one of them was or wasn't bringing in money, but in the months after leaving the CIA, Elizabeth desperately felt the need to contribute. She decided that it had to do with feeling useful and having a purpose more than earning money. Her need just happened to manifest itself in having a job.

She shook her head bringing herself back to that night on the porch swing. Henry wandered out and sat beside her. LIke so many times in their marriage, things needed to be addressed, and they neither one knew how to start.

"We have to move past this," she said softly, turning to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't want you to go. I've always supported you in whatever you wanted to do, but I just couldn't get behind that. I'm sorry for what I did." Henry caught her gaze and the shattered look could be seen in both of them.

"I do think I understand why and you're not wrong, but I just didn't fully comprehend how leaving the company would change everything. Everything Henry, do you get that? I mean really get it? Every aspect of my life collapsed, and I was not, and I am still not prepared to handle that."

"I know you need time to rebuild, but I don't want you to forget that I love you. I have been selfish and stubborn and downright stingy in showing my love for you, and that changes right now." He had taken her hand, leading her to the bedroom where they connected physically and emotionally, building the bridge to work on talking through it.

September 8, 2007

So much has happened. I've been looking for this journal for a while. It got buried when we moved. Henry and I decided we needed to make a drastic change for ourselves and our marriage. Once I finished my doctorate, we moved closer to UVA, so we could both teach and we bought a horse farm. I knew I missed horses, but I had no idea how much. It's been bumpy. Stevie was not in favor of a move. She's in middle school and it was hard for her to leave her friends, but Noodle and Jace have been pretty easy going about it.

I love teaching. It doesn't fill the emptiness of leaving the CIA totally, but it's doable and Henry and I finally getting back to us is worth anything I may have had to give up. Looking back, I wonder if the pain of him being there but us not being "okay" was actually worse than my parents dying and knowing they were gone. I shouldn't dwell on that too much. The fact is that it's getting better every day and I don't have to worry about it.

Elizabeth scanned the last few pages of entries. Most were stories of things the kids did and Henry's mother passing. She swallowed the lump in her throat. That had been hard. Will married Sophie, and was expecting. She hoped that would last. She knew she would kill her brother if she had to be married to him. Sophie was a strong person, so maybe reining him in wouldn't be such a struggle for her.

Elizabeth chuckled as she got to the last page and the last entry was written on the inside of the back cover.

March 4, 2014

Looks like it's time to buy a new journal. I'm out of pages in this one, but it's getting packed up yet again. Conrad showed up on my doorstep a couple weeks ago and asked me to be his Secretary of State. What the hell? I asked if he was joking. He says that together we can affect real change in the world. There's a part of me that thinks this is my second chance. I came to terms with leaving the CIA a long time ago, but I never quite believed that I was done there. I feel pretty inept coming into this job, but Conrad thinks I can do it, so I will step up and do it to the best of my ability. Hopefully the next journal will be one of my successes.

Elizabeth closed the book and pressed it to her chest. She never did get another journal. It wasn't that she didn't have stories to tell-some good and some heartbreakingly bad, but so many things now didn't feel like her stories. Her work seemed to be so much a collaborative effort that she was just a part of and the kids were growing up and had their own lives.

Stevie was making her own way and Ali, just starting out. Both were strong, determined women that made her fiercely proud. And, Jason a senior. Wow! She couldn't hardly comprehend that when she so vividly remembered rocking him in the middle of the night, not because he was awake, but because she desperately needed the connection to her baby. In hindsight, she wasn't sure how much she would have chosen to do differently. She missed a lot, but Jason seemed like a pretty well adjusted kid now, even though she had some serious concerns in his early teen years. If not, she knew a good therapist. She chuckled at her own thought.

Back in the beginning, who would've thought that she would be laying on the couch in the Secretary of State's office waiting for a call from the Chinese Foreign Minister? The whole thing seemed surreal. Now she was planning on running for President. She thought about what that would entail, knowing there would be difficulties. She smirked, knowing Mike B. would tell her that she was foolishly naive and it would be a million times more difficult than she thought. Elizabeth had no idea how this was going to turn out, but she made a mental note to tell Blake she needed another journal. She figured there would probably be some things worth writing down over the next few years.

The laptop made a series of beeps behind her and she hopped up and smoothed her blouse, her attention turned now to matters of state. Elizabeth hoped Chen had some good news for her.

AN: Thank you for following along on this little venture. I appreciate all of the kind words. Please let me know what you think.