A/N: Last time my author's note was longer than the chapter, so let's do the opposite now! I didn't expect this chapter to be so long, but I had to get inside Mary's head, show her train of thought, and help her come to some realizations. And some wrong conclusions as well! Lots of miscommunication and misunderstandings here. Mary & Bash are kinda having two different conversations at the same time. So I recommend reading chapter 3 again (oh, go on, it's short!) It might be helpful to re-read Bash's POV and keep certain things in mind. :) Not just his physical *ahem* condition, in play here, but his emotional state and his (perhaps) wrong conclusions and resolutions about Mary.
Hope those of you who liked the humor last time, aren't disappointed by more drama this time (still hopefully a blend of romanca, drama & humor). But we had to hit this emotional crisis on the storytelling rollercoaster! Or something like that. Thanks again for the reviews & follows! Please keep reviewing and letting me know if you keep enjoying? :) You know how I worry! Btw, I love Bash, I hate Francis, and I really do feel sorry for Mary...even though I'm laughing at her just a little bit. ;)
A New Dream Chosen - by: Bashful Masher - Part 4: Looking & Listening
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Why did he feel so far away from her? Why didn't he say something?
Bash wanted to talk.
Mary would listen.
How often had he listened, as she poured out her heart to him? He was so kind and patient with her. She could be patient too.
But Bash was just sitting there, staring straight ahead. Mary could feel the tension in his body, pressed close to hers in this chair that was far too small. It could have been cozy. If only Bash would put his arm around her.
He didn't have to kiss her, if he didn't want to...
But he wouldn't even look at her.
Mary stretched and rubbed the back of her neck. She wasn't really tired, although it was late. Didn't want to leave Bash anyway. Even if they weren't speaking. Or kissing.
Still, she couldn't help imagining him holding her in his arms. Laying her down on his bed...
Mary closed her eyes.
Opened them again, sensing his gaze.
Bash looked away, but she caught a flash of something in the stormy blue.
Pain?
"Bash...If you're not comfortable here, there's more room on the..."
"No. This is fine."
His voice was gruff, and he still wasn't looking at her. Hadn't looked directly at her, for any decent length of time, since they sat down. This was ridiculous. Bash was right next to her, and... she missed him.
Since her first day back at Court, she had felt most comfortable, most free to be herself... with Bash. Felt relaxed in his presence, and exhilarated, all at once. Seeing him like this...tense and unable to confide in her... It was all wrong.
She thought they had gotten even closer this evening. Not only physically, but...
Why had he stopped?
Mary had a feeling Francis wouldn't have stopped.
No doubt, he was with Olivia tonight. Maybe Olivia didn't mind his habit of kissing with no prior warning. Mary had found it flattering, at first, but now it seemed more like insensitivity. Not noticing or caring whether the other person was... ready, or not. Sending signals or not. Just taking what he wanted and assuming she would be responsive. Arrogant. Domineering. So like Francis.
Not like Bash.
She shouldn't even be comparing them. There was no comparison.
But with Bash...
Mary shifted restlessly in the chair. Tentatively patted his knee.
He took her hand then, which was nice... So nice, she didn't even care if his grip was a bit too tight.
Mary fought the strong temptation to kiss him. Had to respect his wishes. She didn't want to be like Francis, pouncing on people who weren't ready to be kissed. But she had been positive earlier, that Bash was ready, for kissing and quite a bit more.
Sometimes Bash was too noble.
And there was something he wanted to talk about. She would have to wait until he was ready to talk. And then wait until he was ready to kiss.
Just as Bash had waited for her to finish talking. Before their first kiss.
Mary smiled at the memory.
Even then, he had let her be the one to kiss him. Let her decide. Although it wasn't a conscious choice... more of an instinctive impulse.
Mary remembered feeling so flustered. Overwhelmed. She had tried to deny...to take it all back. Thank goodness Bash couldn't be noble all the time.
He wouldn't let her take back the kiss.
He had given it back, instead.
It seemed Bash knew her better than she knew herself. Not pushy, just observant. So aware of her moods...
But then why had he stopped tonight? She wanted him. He should know that. But if he wasn't in the right mood, if she had misread him...she wouldn't push.
"Mary?"
"Yes, Bash?"
"I don't mean to ignore you. I just..."
"It's fine. I didn't want to talk in the first place."
Mary hoped Bash appreciated she was trying to be sensitive to his needs. She hadn't even attempted to make eye contact with him.
"I suppose we both have a lot to think about," He said softly, after a slight pause.
All she could think of was him.
Their first kiss had been passionate, but sweet and caring. The way a first kiss should be. Not rough and demanding like...
Before Bash... Mary hadn't minded kissing Francis. After all, she had been raised in a convent. Dreaming and waiting to know her fiancé, not seen since childhood. It was hardly romantic, marrying a stranger who might not want you. Who might be horrible.
But she had to marry him.
So Mary had prayed for love. Desperate to see and believe in it.
Then she had seen Bash... and couldn't let herself believe.
Knew he wasn't Francis.
It wasn't only because she knew the golden child had a dark-haired bastard brother.
In his face, she saw no arrogance, born of privilege. There was both a wildness and a steadiness about him...
Not a sheltered, pampered prince. A soldier who fought for his life, and lived it.
Not a boy... a man.
And then she met Francis. Mary winced at the memory of her nerves and foolishness. Relieved to find him not unattractive. Relieved that he seemed pleased with her as well. Now that she thought back on it, Francis had also been rather too pleased with himself.
Used to being admired, and getting any girl he wanted.
Not used to being questioned and held accountable by his fiancée.
Mary hadn't wished to know every detail of his past. Knew he hadn't been raised in a convent, dreaming and waiting for her. Still, it had hurt. That other girl, on Mary's first day... when she had been so innocently hopeful.
Thank God for Bash.
Lifting her spirits with his playful teasing. Serious and sympathetic, too. Protective, but never controlling. She would've been lost here, without his open, honest friendship...
Mary wished for love and friendship, truth and honor in her marriage.
But Francis... it seemed his first instinct was to hide things from her. To dole out partial truths that made him look better. Not trusting Mary to accept his flaws and love him anyway.
Even though she had been so willing to love him. Too willing to overlook the ugly truths and fall in love with beautiful lies.
Even after Colin.
Colin had attacked her... and Francis had accused her.
Always quick to blame her, so that he could feel blameless? Assuming the worst of her, to ease his own conscience? Or was he merely so self-centered, to believe a Queen would risk a necessary alliance for her country, sacrifice her duty... not for love... but on a meaningless tryst? As some form of petty revenge on him for his meaningless trysts. Egotistical. Hypocritical...
My God.
Was this how Francis saw Bash? Meaningless revenge for Olivia? Even if Mary had given that impression, did he honestly believe Bash would alienate the younger brother he had always looked out for... and make an enemy of the future King of France, for no compelling reason? On a whim? To be cruel? How could Francis not know his own brother, to think so poorly of him?
And why shouldn't she want Bash for his own sake? Did Francis actually imagine he was the better man?
"Mary? Are you alright? You seem upset..."
Bash was looking at her, at last! Mary was so relieved, she thought she'd cry.
"I was just... thinking about... Francis."
Her words came out in a choked whisper. She was crying.
Bash looked pained, then averted his eyes. The sudden loss of connection, cut at her heart
"God, Bash! Do you hate me?"
Mary knew she was being melodramatic, but why couldn't he look her in the eye anymore? She needed to see...
"Never...never hate you..."
Bash sounded distant. Lost.
Why didn't he tell her? Whatever it was he had wanted to talk about? Whatever had made him stop kissing her and bring her to this godforsaken chair?
Bash put his arm around her comfortingly.
Mary found herself sobbing into his chest.
"Please don't cry. Mary...please...I understand. I only want you to be happy."
It made her cry harder, hearing his voice, so broken, so sad.
He understood? She didn't understand. Was there something he wasn't telling her, because he didn't want to hurt her?
But Bash always told her even the more painful truths that she needed to hear. Had given her a clearer picture of Francis and Olivia. With no wish to hurt anyone. Simply... respecting her right to know. Her need to make more informed decisions, and be in control of her life. As much as it was possible, anyway, for Mary to control this life she had been born into. Bash understood how important that was.
She might have to marry Francis. But she would never trust Francis. Not the way she trusted Bash. Never... care... for Francis the way...
She was calming down, not crying so hard. Realized Bash was stroking her hair.
Mary looked up at him.
This time, she was the first to look away. The pain in his eyes was unbearable.
She must have done something to hurt him. But he was still trying to comfort her. Because he was... Bash.
How had everything gone wrong so quickly? When he pulled away from their kiss. Practically ran out of her embrace. Why? Or was it something she said, after?
She must have disappointed him, somehow. He had been quick to deny it, and she knew Bash wouldn't lie to her. But what if he didn't blame her for his disappointment? Bash never blamed her. Then it wouldn't be a lie. Only Bash being too good, and too fond of her, to see her flaws.
"Everything about you is right."
His words echoed in her head now.
Impassioned. Untrue. Incredibly moving.
How could she have let those words pass by with no response, as if they... he... meant nothing to her?
Why had she been so eager to kiss him?
For so many reasons. Reasons she could have given him. Words she could have said. Maybe he needed to hear...
Maybe he needed to hear it, as badly as she needed to see it, in his eyes.
Mary felt her heart clench.
"Everything about you is right."
How had she responded? By asking what was wrong with him. Not at all sympathetic. Impatient. Childish.
Bash had been... was still... in pain... over something. And Mary had ignored it. Focused on her own feelings. Her desire for more...
More of the indescribable connection between them.
Selfishly wanting more, had she lost him completely?
Bash was touching her now, holding her in his arms. But she still didn't feel connected to him. It was worse than missing his touch. Not talking or laughing together. His teasing smile. The look in his eyes that was only for her.
She wanted Bash. Wanted all of him.
"Everything about you is right."
She had to say something. Had to give him a better answer. Tried to speak through the lump in her throat.
"Bash... I love..."
Mary could hear his heart racing.
"...everything about you. Anyone would be blessed, to have you in their life."
She dared to raise her head from his chest, and look at him.
Bash seemed touched by her words, but there was still sorrow in his eyes. Mary felt frantic to erase it.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Bash! I'm sorry! Please don't think there's anything wrong with you... Please don't think I don't appreciate..."
"Shh... Mary, I'm still here... I'll be here, whenever you need me..."
Bash kissed her forehead gently, then pulled back. His eyes burned into hers.
"I promise you. We'll always be friends."
Mary froze.
Friends? Was that all he wanted them to be? Sitting here in this hellish chair, afraid to tell her, because he didn't want to hurt her. Because he did care about her, but only... as a friend...
She couldn't blame Bash for changing his mind. How could she blame him? He never blamed her. Nearly died because of her, and still didn't blame her. She didn't deserve him. Always taking, so much more than she ever gave back. Demanding his kisses. Ignoring his pain. Only talking about herself... never asking about him.
She had taken Bash for granted. And she had lost him.
Mary stood up.
Tried to stand like a Queen.
She wouldn't beg. Only thank him... even if it was too late. At least she could try to be a better... friend...
"I'm sorry I barged in on you like this. I want you to know I'm grateful for everything you've ever done for me."
Bash rose to stand before her, maintaining some distance between them.
"Don't say it like we'll never see eachother again." His lips twisted in an imitation of a smile. "Barge in on me anytime."
She tried to match his light tone.
"I meant to thank you for your courage. Going to the Blood Wood to face the pagan cult...for my sake. It was very noble of you. Honorable."
"No. It wasn't. It was nothing."
Why did he sound angry and dismissive? Oh, God, she was making things worse.
"You saved my life! I should've thanked you sooner."
"Don't. You shouldn't thank me for that."
Bash turned abruptly and strode away from her. He stopped at his door, obviously waiting for Mary to follow.
He was trying to get rid of her.
Mary took a deep shuddering breath, then slowly began walking.
She wasn't going to cry again. She wasn't just a girl. She was a Queen. And Bash was a soldier. A good man. He had saved her life. But it meant nothing to him.
Nothing more than duty.
Not love.
Not love.
Not love.
The words rang through Mary's head with each step. It felt like a death sentence. A final walk before her execution. She didn't want to reach the door. Didn't want the night... everything... to end this way.
She couldn't understand. All her dreams of love had seemed within reach.
Why had she been pulled out of heaven, into this nightmare?
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
To Be Continued ?...
A/N: Oh, Mary. But everything feels life-or-death and end-of-the-world when you're young and in love! (And a Queen whose life is actually constantly in danger.) Plus, she thinks she's lost *Bash*. You'd be devastated too! Cut her some slack. ;) If you're wondering why Bash behaved so strangely towards her at the very end, well, it's partly 'cause he (wrongly) blames himself for putting her life at risk in the first place so he doesn't feel worthy of her gratitude. Remember his nightmare from chapter 1? Poor tortured Bash. Of course he made a joke about it then (which Mary didn't get) and if she'd thanked him for saving her back in chapter 1 (before all the bonding/smooching/daring to dream & then "losing" her), Bash would've been able to charm/joke/not get all broody and filled with self-loathing about the pagans (not in front of her), but now... :(
Did it come across clearly, to you guys reading (I really hope so), that I intended Bash to misunderstand Mary when she said she was thinking of Francis, while on the verge of tears, as meaning that Mary loved/missed/was choosing Francis? Too bad Mary can't articulate her feelings better out loud, huh? ;) I mean, if only she had *told* Bash some of the stuff she was *thinking* about Bash...he'd never doubt that she loves him. (Too bad Mary decided in Chapter 2 that thinking out loud around Bash was too dangerous.) I hope I can untangle their misunderstandings! Seriously. If I get writer's block, this would be a bad place to end the story. I'm not usually one for tragic endings! But some of you like 'em, (Hi, Marie Meyers! How do ya like *this* cliffhanger? ;)), so maybe you'll be okay if I abandon this fic now. ;)
It was *fun* writing this somewhat angsty emotional outpouring of a chapter. Never really do that sort of thing! Maybe that's why it was fun. :) (Plus I got to rant about Francis ;)) Usually feel more comfortable attempting humor and dialogue than drama and internal monologue. And maybe I stink at the latter...and didn't do a very good job blending 'em all together here. But don't tell me! I HAD FUN WRITING THIS! Wheee! Even though I like this chapter, I'm slightly worried that it's too serious compared to the others, especially the last one. But each chapter has had some angst, I think... and I did start my story with that heavy nightmare of Bash's, so ...hopefully nobody feels surprised or misled by the angst in chapter 4? Didn't *totally* come out of nowhere, right? :)
So, yeah, sorry about the lack of Mash humorous banter, this time! And less dialogue in general. But it seemed like (awkward) silence and (forced) reflection were necessary for Mary to, *ahem*, calm down somewhat after the last chapter, and think about Bash vs. Francis. :) Harder to convey from Mary's POV, but (in my head) Bash was brooding & angsting in the silence, convincing himself Mary didn't love him. So he was more than ready to jump to the wrong conclusion by the time Mary said "Francis" (and didn't clarify in what *context* she was thinking of Francis! C'mon Mary! Sheesh!)
I initially thought Mash would do more talking in this chapter, to work out various issues! But this is how it came out. :) I do have a basic plan for the fic...but I'm also kind of going with the flow too. Don't be scared. Truuuust me. I know what I'm doing! (No, I don't.) Y'know, ending scenes/chapters when it "feels right", nevermind how long or short they might be, as you probably noticed. Sorry about babbling in the author's note again! But at least it *isn't* longer than the chapter, this time.
I thought Mary might be religious, with the convent upbringing...hence some references to God/heaven/hell/praying for love, etc. (In case you were wondering why the chair was "godforsaken" at one point. ;) Plus, comic relief!) I like the idea of her young romantic idealism mixed with spirituality, and at the same time, kind of suggesting that the isolation of the convent made her restless, y'know, for not-just-spiritual love too. ;) Luckily, with Bash, she can have it all! (I hope. If I can get them out of this mess.)
Update later the same day: I'm a perfectionist. Made minor changes I doubt anyone would notice, but I just had to. Most important: I changed Bash's final line from "Don't thank me for that." to "Don't. You shouldn't thank me for that."... after Mary's "I should've thanked you sooner." I think emphasizing the "should"/"shouldn't" helps hint that Bash didn't wanna hear Mary's thanks for saving her life, because he blames himself for her life being in danger in the first place. Hopefully kinda guides the reader along to ask the question "why does Bash think she *shouldn't* thank him? oh...because...he feels guilty... " ...saying "Don't thank me" doesn't hint at enough of a reason! I really *should* have realized that before publishing. Sigh. You know what this means? I'm gonna take longer to update from now on. ;)
