disclaimer--I disclaim.
a/n--PLEASE review!! I'm the only one here who's got no reviews (well,3 but one was me commenting back so that one doesn't count).
Also, sorry this is sooo long. I have an idea for a book in mind, and if I do alot of short chapters, it'll end up being,like, 100 chapters long instead of 15 (or so).
Please let me know if you'd prefer it the other way around!
Also Also,Viking Day is October 9th
Also Also P.S. I once made a pizza in the oven, the kind you just take out of the box and put in the oven, but forgot to take the cardboard off the bottom. You'll see why I mention this in this chapter...
Also Also P.P.S. I'm in college right now so it may be a while between chapters . I'm not ignoring you--I'm busy!
PLEASE PLEASE review!!!!
Knickers Nickers
Saturday,October 16th (still)
3pm
Ow Ow Ow.
And bloodyhell.
3:30pm
Doctor Gorgey says I've only sprained my ankle, but he wants me to stay at the hospital overnight because my blood pressure is really high.
It's probably because I'm freaking out because I fell down my stairs head-over-arse, and Dave got a good look up my skirt. Hell, everyone did,including the Ace Gang (who had ran over to warnme Dave was on his merry way.But they aren't exactly in tip-top shape any of them), and I wasn't wearing any knickers.
3:45pm
It isn't my fault my 4-year-old sister likes to use my knickers as hammocks for her toys.
4pm
Is it?
5pm
I know Jas is going to be Radio Jas and tell everyone what happened, so Masimo and Robbie are going to know where I am and hunt me down like dogs and make me choose between them.
I better call Jas and threaten her with pain if she tells anyone about today.
5:03pm
Better yet,I'll call Tom and tell himto distract her with moss or badger poo or whatever to get her mind off what's happened today.
5:05pm
Bugger,I can't reach the phone.Damned arm rail is in the way.
Maybe f I sit on a pillow...
5:09pm
Hmmm...a little bit higher...
5:20pm
I fell out of the bed! Alarms and bells went off and 4 butch nuses came in and literally threw me back in the bed.
The nurse with a buzzcut threatened tobreak my legs AND take away my jell-o I Itried any more "antics".
I think they thought that I was trying to escape.
6pm
I am sooo bored.
7pm
Dozed off. I dreamt I was in a giant gold palacae and Masimo was feeding me grapes, and Dave was my fool, and juggling nunga-nungas. But there were a great pair of eyes hanging over watching me and everytime i tried to snog Dave the eyes swooped down over my ead, knocking my lips off .
7:02pm
I woke up with a start---Nurse Butcher (not even kidding) was only milimeters from my conk...which is to say he was about a foot (or ginormous nose) off.
It gave me a bit of a F.T.
"Ibrought you pills..Take these pills."
And he shoved a nasty big purpley pill at me.It looked like one that you shove down a cat's throat if your cat has worms. But if your cat was the size of a small horse.
7:05pm
Took me 5 minutes just to get one pill down. I think he purposely gave me a horse-sized one. Or it was a suppository .
7:06pm
Ewewewewewewewew
7:08pm
Hid the rest of thehorse pills under the mattress.
7:15pm
I don't thnk these pills are working. They're supposed to make me sleep but all I can do is think about Dave...and Robbie...and Masimo.
If they cared about me so much why haven't they come see me yet?
They're probably off snogging other girls. Girls with regular-size conks and whose brains don' fall out.
Like Lindsay. She's literally just legs and a forhead. Jas said that she tried to curl her fringe and it's all sticky-uppy.I saw her at the corner shop the other day and she looked like one of those show dogs who gets their hair curled.
7:30pm
Why hasn't the Ace Gang dropped by? Or my "loving" (hahahaha) family?
They're probably throwing a part now that I'm not there.
And they've invited all the cat-haters (i.e. everyone on our street) over to plan how to bump off Angus.Like a Anti-Cat Mafia, wearing blue suits and hiding machine guns up their sleeves. And talking abouthow they're going to give Angus a "cat nap" in the dirt...6 feet under.
Shut UP brain.
Why is my life so crap?
I'll make a list--
10 WAYS MY LIFE IS UTTER AND COMPLETE CRAP
1)I'm only 15 years old so I have to hve my Rents around to give me money and tell me what to do (but not necasarily do)
2)I have a conk the size of France
3) My mate chose fruits and a veggie (hahah,tom, get it? beause he's a vegetable) over me. And because I kickedher in the shin twice, and then tricked Rosie into doing it.
But that's not my fault. She was asking for it.Jas was, not Rosie.
Anyways
4) I have 3 lurverly sex gods vieing for ,my attencion and NOT ONE OF THEM HAS VISITED ME OR EVEN CALLED TO SEE IF I WAS, YOU KNOW, ALIVE !!!!
5) Ditto my (supposedly) best mates
6) Ditto Ditto my family
7) And oh eah,I'm going on holiday with my parents. And I want to.
8) i was forced to swallow a pill that's supposed to go...somewhere else.
Sunday,October 17th
10am
I must have nodded off. The last thingI remember was wondering why no one visited me.
This is the first time in...ever (well, 4 years, since Libby was born) that I've gotten a full nights sleep.
And I feel..Bloody marvelous, if I may say so.
10:15am
The nurse brought me my breakfast. It was an actual breakfast--eggs, soldiers, toast, orange jucie, and a choccie biccie.
I asked "Was Nurse Butcher fired?"
She looked at me a bit strangely. "Mum? No.It's a shift change"
Bloody hell,he's a she?
The nurse put a straw in my drink, and as she was leaving, she said "Oh, you have a couple of visitors. But visiting times don't start for another 15 minutes."
Ohgodohgod, i only have 15 minutes to get ready. What if it's Robbie? Or Dave Or worse--Masimo!!!
And I only have 15 mminutes to get ready !!
10:16am
Where's my purse?
10:18am
Where's my skirt?
10:20
Where's my KNICKERS?
Someone has nicked my knickers!!!!!
10:21am
There are NO nurses in staff. Where have they all gone? Probably off nicking peoples' pants, and laughing at how big they are.
Thank goodness I'mnot Jas. I'd be worried if anyone saw my knickers. Hers are big enough to to parachuting with.
But then again, if I was Jas I wouldn't wear hugemungo knickers. Nor would I be dating a vegatable and have a crap fringe.
10:24am
Ah-ha! There's a red button on the side of the bed that's labeled "Ring for Nurse"
10:24 1/2 am
Hm, I don;t think it's working. Press it again.
10:25am
Ring-ring, ring-ring...
10:26am
Aboot bloody time.
She ran to my bed. "What ? What's wrong?"
Boy, she must be agood mother.
"Someone nicked my knickers!"
She stared at me."What?"
"My knickers--they're gone!"
She pointed to a chair by the bed. Where my clothes were piled. "You mean those?"
Oops.
"Yeah,thanks.Cheers."
"You mean I ran in here, spilling HOT coffee over my suit for THAT?"
"Well.."
She grumbled something about "infnatile teenagers" and stomped off.
I wanted to yell after her "At least my Dad doesn't look like Michael Parkinson". But she had (half) a cup of hot coffee in her hand.
10:30am
Ok. Makeup? Au natural with a hint of base,mascara, eyeliner, lippy, lip gloss, eye shadow, and glitter.
Hair? -3 on the bouncibility scale. But that's hospital beds for you. I'll just have to putit up in an attractive (NOT) bun.
Bring on the boys!!!!
10:30 1/2am
As the Nurse opened the doors, I heard a voice yell "Freedom to Horn!"
and another reply "Ja, lets get horny!!"
And Rosie and Sven burst in in matching rainbow bellbottoms and tie-dye tops.
Maybe Masimo was embarrassed and didn't want to beseen with Sven. I wouldn't.
"Hey Gee, how'r'a diddling?"
"Good. Where's Masimo?"
"What.? Oh, he's at practice.And Jas and Tom are studying for their A-levels.And Masimo is out with Lindsay."
"WHAT? How can she choose that slimy stick insect over moi?"
"I know. I think she must have poisoned his drink."
"Where's Dave?"
"He's
got flu."
"But he looked fine last night."
"Well...After you left, we watched Libby for your Mum and Dad and Libby sneezed into his mouth while we were eating."
Oh my god, Dave's gotten to number 6 on the snogging scale with my little sister?
Before I could say anything, Sven picked Rosie up,andswung her over his shoulder.
"Less talk, snog now."
"We got to go. We just came to tell you that Our wedding date is set for Viking Day in exactly 5 years! HORNNNNNNNNNNNNNN !!!!"
Viking Day. But of course.
11am
Free!
I am finally allowed to put my real clothes on and go home.
11:45am
And of course everyone forgot about me.
4pm
Finally home. Note on the fridge,welcoming me home.
Not.
"Gee--Frozen dinners in the freezer.
Love, Mum."
Great I get to have meat popsicles for my dinner.
5pm
Popped a frozen entree in the oven and taking a long,hot bath while it heats.
My feet are KILLING me. I don't know why I was wearing heels.
But I had to walk all the way home in them ,And they're about 2 sizes to small. I almsot had to get them surgically removed like the last pair I'd bought.
And what's worse, I tried to get picked up !
At least someone in this town thinks I'm attractive. I've been home an hour and still no phone calls, or even messages on the machine.
Hasn't anyone been wondering where I've been ?
If Masimo cared so much for me, why is he out with Lindsay?
Bugger Bugger Bugger
5:15pm
Why should i shave my legs? Obviously no one wants me.
And besides, winter is coming up,and they'll keep me warm.
5:30pm
Considering shaving my armpits (they'll be a warm place to stick my hands in (ooer) in Winter) when I smelt smoke.
Mum's probably cooking.
5:45pm
Funny,I didn't hear them come in.
Especially Libby.
I would have definetly heard hercome in.
But the house is strangely quiet.I've not even seen Angus or Gordy.
6pm
OH GOD MY DINNER!!!!!
6:15
By the time I got my pyjamas on, brushed my hair, and ran downstairs it was all ashes.
6;17pm
Maybe I should have taken it out of the box.
6:18pm
And read the directions.
6:20pm
Now what?
6:27pm
Looking for anything edible when the phone rang. I bally near tore it off the wall.
"HELLO?"
"Is this the owner of That Cat?"
Oh great, it was Mr-Next-Door/Cat Hater
"Now what has he done? I'm sure Muitti or Vati can pay for it."
"What do you mean? I thought your parents took him to Bill?" He sounded nervous.
Oh, so that's why Grandad's teeth are on the counter.
"Oh, yeah,right. So what did you want?"
"Your ...beast has left his lead over get it as soon as possible.Preferably before that Thing gets back."
And he hung up on me.
What's the point of living?
I'm going to bed.
9pm
Peacefully off in Bo-Bo Land when Libby came creeping in .
AWW.At least someone missed me.
Maybe if I lie quietly she'll go away.
9:02pm
Libby crept to the side of my bed and laid her head on mine.
And yelled "Ginger, wakey wakey!"
I shot up. Bloody hell, that kid has lungs.
I can literally hear the bells ringing. It sounds like I have Notre Dame bells ringing in my ears. Though to really have that happen I'd need to have ears like an elephant. But that would take away attention from my nose, wouldn't it?
Shut up,brain.
I yelled to Libby "Go away!"
Just as Mum came bursting in.
"Don't yell at your sister!"
"But--"
"And don't use dirty words or I'll wash your mouth out."
I shut my mouth.
"I was just making sure you were in bed on time. Sorry we didn't make it back in time to pick you up. Your Granddad insisted on us all going out to eat and on the way we saw a cuckoo!"
"Mum?"
"yes dear?"
"I don't care.Goodnight."
I laid back down. After a moment I heard the bed creak as she got up and left.
Jas chose vegetables over me, and my mother and father has chose nature and a cuckoo (the bird,too) over me.
I feel like crying.
Monday,October 18th
8:15am
Got up and ready for school and was halfway out the door when I remembered I was leaving for the USA tomorrow.
I went back to my room but Mum saw me.
"Just because you're leaving tomorrow doesn't mean you get to skip school day."
SHe literally pushed me out the door. As I was going through the gate, she yelled "And the plane doesn't leave untill 9pm so you're going to school tomorrow too."
Hell.
9am. School.
More Hell.
10am. Break.
The Ace Gang were suprised to see me. They all figured I'd get to skip too.
I told them that I have to go to school tomorrow too and they all said "Non!".
Except Jas. She wasn't there. Mabs said she and Lindsay are off swotting in the library together.
I said "Well,they make a nice couple. Once a swot, always a swot." And everyone nodded wisely.
We all sat there nodding untill Mabs said "Why are we nodding?"
Rosie said "I thought it as a new dance ."
She's bonkers.
10:16am
The bell went and as we all filed back to Hell ,Rosie said "So?Are we going to do it?"
We all looked at her like she was mad. She is."Do what?"
"Bunk off school tomorrow and throw Gee a going-away Horn party?"
Stark raving, she is.
3pm
Somehow I've agreed to bunk off school to go to a Viking "Bon Journey!" party.It's going to be at Rosie's house.
She said "Dress is optional" and we all went "Ooer."
Tuesday,October 19th
8:30am
Here's the plan..we show up at assembly as usual,to make an appearance so Slim sees su and doesn't count us as tardy.
We do our hair, mkeup,etc. during first classes .It's German,so that should be easy.
Breaktime, we'll go about as usual. Then next is Sports. We'll go to the locker roomto pretend to change, slip our party clothes out our rucksacks, change, sneak out the window, go down an alley, up two streets, over a garden wall, then presto! We're free!
9:15am
Doing my makeup. My hand is all shaky. I don't know why. it'll only be us Ace Gang and their various snogging partners and a few mates of theirs from Foxwood.
I'm hoping a bit (OK,aLOT)that Robbie and Masimo wlll be there too.
I decided to make a deal with our Lord Sandra. If Robbie or Masimo isn't there,I should choose Dave. But if Masimo is there, but not Robbie I choose Masimo.And if Robbie is there and not Masimo, I choose Robbie not Masimo.And if Dave is there and not Masimo orRobbie,I choose Dave.
10am.Break.
Rosie's brought viking horns for all of us to wear as we sneak past the First Level leveland by Slim's window.She thinks it will be a laugh.
Dave would think it's a laugh too.
10:03am
Why am I thinking about Dave again?
10:45am
Everyone's changed into party gear and has their horns on (ooer).
Ellen is taking forever,though. "What if, you know,he's there,he's...and...he...and I.."
I heard Lindsay,Jas' lesbian swotting partner,coming and shoved Ellen through the window and shut it just as Swot and Swottier came in.
I hid behind a coat rack. "Do you really think I'll be prefect?"
"Oh yes, me and Elizabeth have been talking about you"
She's on first-names with Miss Heaton? How wet can you be?
"Yes, well I think I am up for it.
"
"Def. Especially since you've stopped hanging around
with those childish girls."
"I know.You know Georgia thinks lockjaw is funny?" Jas rolled her eyes. I wanted to jump out and strangle her but then Jas said something that caught my attention. "So what are you going to do about Masimo?"
"i've applied to three universitys all around Rome where Masimo is going to be living. We'll be going to different schools but at least I'll still get t see him."
Masimo is moving to Italy ? How? When? Why? What?
That's when P. Green came in. "Have you seen Georgia?"
They looked at each other and walked out.
I couldn't move though.
Masimo is moving. Why?When? And why didn't he tell me?
Maybe this is a sign from God or Budha or Shiva or whoever is working today.
Maybe it's a sign that Masimo is moving away. But what does it mean?
11am
I would have stood there confabbing with my self longer had Jools not grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out the window. Just in time, too as Mrs. Heaton and Slim stocked into the changing room.
No time to put our viking horns on now.
11:15am
Ran all the way to the top of Rosie's street.
"You don't think she saw us do you?
"If she did Slim would slow her down.Miss Heaton'll never find us."
The Bummer Twins came up and smirked at us.
"The little lesbians skipping out on kindergarten?"
"No.Bugger off."
Alison threw down her cigarette, "What did you say to me?"
I stepped close to her. I was so close i could smell her breath.And it was not pleasant. It was Ou de Poo and Cigarette.
I looked her square in the eye and said "Bugger Off, you slag." and ran screaming all the way to Rosie's.
We collapsed all over the garden, laughing and out of breath. Which,if you've ever done it, is very hard to do.
Finally Jools looked at me. "What gave you mind to do that?"
I told them what Lindsay had said about moving to Rome and being with Masimo.
Rosie stood up. "Right,let's kill the bastard." and made to leave. We had to literally hold her down.
11:20am
Finally convinced Rosie to not kill Masimo but go make us cheesy snacks instead.
11:22am
Rosie came back down the path looking all o-faced.
"What's wrong?"
"I forgot my key."
11:25am
Laying on the lawn thinking of ways to break in without actually breaking anything.
Rosie said "How about a window?"
11:30am
Rosie was crawling in through the kitchen window when Sven popped up out of nowhere and dragged her in. They snogged the whole time.
11:45am
Waiting on the front step for Rosie to unlock the front door.
Where is she?
Probably snogging her boyfriend, The one that doesn't go out and snog other girls and is trueto her. Even if he is from Reindeer-a-Go-Go Land.
12am
Sven finally let us in. He had lipstick all over his face.I didn't ask.
i don't want to know.
1:15pm
After a mad rush to the loos, we're all settled down with hot chocolate and biscuits in Rosie's room.
Jools said "So? What's the story?"
I told them everything, about Masimo and Rome and Jas joinng the Nazi Recruitment aka becoming a prefect next term.
They're all quite literally gobsmacked.
1:30pm
Still gobsmacked and as agog as a bunch of gooseberries.
Ellen said "but, he,you know, like, you snogged him, but he..." she trailed off.
1:45pm
Jools and everybody thinks it's a sign to move on.
Ok.
But to what?
1:47pm
I said "To what exactly?"
And they all did the shrugging thing.
3pm
We agreed it was a sign to move on, to bigger and better things (looer) but we didn't get time to decide what those things were. We had to change and go back to school to make it seem we were there all day and quite keen to be there (hahaha).
4pm
Well, that was bloody useless.
And what was the gods telling me by none of the Sex Gods extroidannaires showingup? That I must have them all? 3 snogging partners?Is that possible? Or legal?
Oooooh, I'm so confused!!!!
4:15pm
Mum saw me not packed and yelled at me.
I only have 15 minutes left to pack.
What do they wear in Hamburger-a-go-go-Land?
4:25pm
Asked Dad. He said "Clothes."
That doesn't help. I told him that and said "You have 5 minutes left to pack, or you go as you are."
6pm. On the Way to the Airport.
I managed to get all my clothes into 5 suitcases. Dad didn't have time to refuse but he was all grumbly about having to make extra room in the boot.
Maybe I'll find a new Dad in the USA.
