Arriving at the gate to Castle's home, Beckett pulls up and enters the code that his mother had given her a few hours earlier. It's a long code but she was able to figure out the first and final section immediately. It's Alexis' birthday and then her badge number, but the middle section had stumped her for a few minutes. She knew it had to be significant as the other numbers meant something to him.
Of course.
The date finally came to her when she thought about the cases they had been working at the time. The middle section of the code was the date they had their undercover kiss.
The man is so transparent in the ways he loves her. She's just had her eyes willingly closed to it all.
But not anymore.
The gate opens wide, and she presses lightly on the gas to allow the cruiser to roll forward as the expanse of Castle's Hamptons property reveals itself.
She should be surprised at the size of the house and piece of land it sits on, but she's not. The wealth Richard Castle has is exorbitant in amount and when he makes a big purchase, she's come to know that he only buys the best.
And she can't imagine anything better than this.
As much as she'd like to enjoy the view and admire the gorgeous house, it's not why she's here.
Beckett pulls the car around to the front of the house in the circle drive. Martha gave her a key to the home just in case Castle didn't answer or wasn't home. She hopes she doesn't have to go inside on her own. But even if he does answer, none of this is going the way she always imagines it.
They were supposed to arrive together, first of all, and secondly, in her mind, it was to spend some alone time together, romantically. After missing her chance to be here with him two summers ago, she only ever wanted to come here if he was already hers.
But now he's facing a crisis that she's not sure she fully understands, yet, and she has to be the strong one for the both of them. And they're not together, not officially, and yet she finds herself here at his vacation home in the most unforeseen circumstances.
Her trunk is open and she's pulling her bags out when she hears the front door swing open.
Beckett peers over the top of the trunk to see Castle appear in the doorway looking disheveled and confused at her presence.
Beckett notices that he hasn't shaved, probably since the day he left the precinct, and he's standing in rumpled sweats and a tee, so unlike the put together author she sees everyday. He looks like a broken shell of the man she knows and her heart sinks at the realization that he's been out here alone for at least forty-eight hours with no one to lean on, no one to confide in, no one to share the burden that weighs heavy on his shoulders. But what unnerves her the most is the gun dangling in his right hand.
Shoving the trunk closed, Beckett resolves to make this better for him, to at least be here for him and give him a shoulder to lean on.
She walks toward him with her head held high and a genuine smile on her face. When she's just a foot from him she sets her bags down and then reaches out and tugs on his tee, pulling him into her.
They're closer than they normally allow themselves to be and she can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. His eyes are sad and his lips are downturned but he lets her drag him into her as her free hand makes its way around his neck to smooth down the fine hairs at his nape. Her other hand is still clinging to his shirt, fist clenched so tight that if he tries, he can't get away. Beckett rests her forehead to his scruffy cheek and is finally able to exhale.
"Castle," she breathes as relief floods her body in the presence of this man that she's missed so desperately in the two days that he's been gone.
His arms eventually make their way around her waist and up her back, his empty palm resting on her shoulder blade. It seems her presence has the same effect on him. She can feel the tension in his body dissolve as he tightens his grip around her.
"Beck-" he rasps, then clears his throat and tries again. "Beckett, what are you doing here?"
He doesn't seem annoyed but she can tell in his voice that he's surprised she's here. She leans away from him to meet his eyes. "I'm here because you need me, Rick."
Castle looks at her, from one eye to the other. She doesn't dare look away while he searches for the truth in her statement. He seems to find it because he pulls her back into him and hangs on with all his might. Breathing into ear he responds, "I'm so glad you came."
After a few minutes of holding on to one another, Castle unwinds himself from her and leans down to grab her bags. He leads her inside without a word.
Again, Beckett finds herself thinking about what should have been. How Castle should wander around this beachside mansion, dragging her along by one hand while the other waves around in every which direction, giving her the grand tour while spouting random facts and stories and memories that this place holds. Instead, he quietly goes ahead of her and set her bags down next to a staircase, turns back and silently walks into what seems to be the family room, knowing that she'll follow him.
They both sit down on a deep and inviting leather couch, his somber mood settling heavily over her, smothering the joy that had bubbled over from being by his side again.
Castle's turned away from her, looking out the floor to ceiling windows past the pristinely manicured lawn and to the raging ocean waves. It's as if the weather knows to be gloomy to match his mood.
It's unsettling.
After all the years of knowing him, she's never witnessed such a dark disposition, didn't know he was even capable of it. He looks depressed. It hits her that this mission to help him just became so much harder, is so much bleaker than she thought.
The memories that must be flooding him, the fear she can see enveloping him has her swallowing hard. She's almost sick at the thought of what's eating away at him this very moment. She has to get him out of this funk before it drowns them both.
"Castle." She reaches for his limp hand, twines her fingers with his. His head jerks around to her, looking down at their hands then back to her. She squeezes, but doesn't let go. "Talk to me."
He blows out a breath he must have been holding and runs his free hand through his hair then wipes it on his pant leg. She can see how nervous he is. "I… I don't know what to say. I mean, if you're here, you must know at least some of the story." He's looking back towards the windows again. "It's not something I talk about. I've never told anyone."
It's now or never.
She said she'd do anything for him and now's her moment. She lets go of his hand and scoots to the edge of the couch, orienting herself towards him and setting her hand on his knee. "You want to know my deepest darkest secret?" Her heart rate picks up, knocks heavy against her rib cage. His eyes have met hers again but he doesn't answer. "Six months ago I was bleeding out in a cemetery while being held in the arms of my best friend."
Any light left in his eyes has now vanished. He's now the one turning his body towards hers. "Kate," he whispers.
Beckett shakes her head no. "Just… let me get this out," she says, and she knows it sounds more like a question but she trudges forward anyway. "Then, when I was awake and allowed to have visitors, in walks this very handsome gentleman with the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers…" she's telling him these things in story form because she's not sure if she'd make it through this part any other way. "... And he smiles at me with the most beautiful smile and makes me laugh in a way that only he can." It makes her smile even now.
Castle isn't saying a word, wouldn't dare break the flow of her words.
Her smile fades and she's looking past him at nothing. "But then he asked me if I remembered the shooting." She meets his eyes. "And I said no. But Castle, I remember. I remembered then and I lied to you, told you I didn't remember anything. But I remember every second of it."
Castle breaks contact and shoves himself off the couch and walks over to the window in three short strides. He leaves his back to her. She stands too, but doesn't get any closer.
"You told me you loved me, Castle, and those were the most beautiful words I have ever heard, but I'd just been shot and was fighting for my life. Then when I survived, I didn't want you to see me at my worst, to see the woman you loved in such dire straights. I was so scared that I'd ruin us, scared that you'd see the real me and change your mind, scared that I'd get shot again and not survive. I didn't want you to live with that. So I made a choice to hide and pretend I was unaware of everything. It was the worst decision I've ever made. I'm a coward, a liar. I run. It's what I do. So you see, Rick, anything that you could tell me, about now or in your past, anything you have to say could never be worse than what I've just confessed to you."
More than a minute passes and Castle still hasn't said a word. She can see his reflection in the window, jaw clenched tight and arms crossed over his chest. Beckett is used to using this type of body language, but it is such a foreign sight to see coming from the author in front of her.
She's about to tell him that she'll just go, but isn't that what she always does? Didn't she just confess that she runs? And isn't it the sole reason she came, to be here for him? And she's already going to run? No. Not this time. She promised she was going to do this, be better for him, be better for them. So she walks a few steps forward instead of walking away, reaches his back and lets her fingers slide from his shoulder, feeling the knots of his spine, down to the small of his back. "Rick," she says softly not to startle him. "I'll find a room and unpack my stuff to give you some space."
But before she can turn away, he speaks. "You mentioned the reasons why you lied, things that scared you… but none of those reasons were that you didn't feel the same."
He doesn't say anything more but she can hear the question that he didn't actually ask. She's not sure she's ready to say the words out loud, even though she's sure of her feelings for him, and even if she was ready, she doesn't feel it's the right time.
Beckett steps closer, brackets his hips with both of her hands, rests her head in between his shoulder blades. "Like I said earlier, Castle, they were the most beautiful words I've ever heard." She feels him take a deep breath in. "And I don't plan on hearing them from anyone else." His breath releases at her words and he pulls both of her hands from his waist bringing them all the way around his stomach, completing the embrace. Her right hand finds its way up over his beating heart. It's the most intimate contact she's ever had with him, may be the most intimate moment she's ever had with anyone, and it feels right, strengthens her resolve to see this thing through. She's never been so sure of something or someone in her life than right now in this moment and the fear of starting something with Rick Castle has completely evaporated.
They eventually make their way back to the couch, hand in hand.
Castle seems lighter but he's still pensive and quiet.
Finally, he begins. "I wanted to tell you… so many times. I even did once, if you remember?" He looks up to find her nodding her head. "But I stopped myself because I realized you already had so much grief to carry. I didn't want you carrying mine, too. And besides, I was already such a nuisance, a heavy burden to you anyways."
"Castle," she protests, but he cuts her off.
"I also know you, knew that when you found out it was an unsolved case, you'd look into it. I knew you'd do that for me, but I couldn't let you take yourself away from solving your mother's case on behalf of me. I'd never ask that of you, Kate."
God, this man. It's just another example of all the ways he has wordlessly loved her. To think that he'd sacrifice his own grief just to allow her more time to find justice for her mother, it makes her heart swell with love even more. It also hurts a little that she's been so focused on that one case, she's missed the opportunity to bring justice and peace of mind to yet another person, possibly the most important person in her life.
That stops now. The man sitting next to her is now her priority. He comes first no matter what.
"I'm here now. Tell me the story, Castle."
So that's what Rick does. He regales that summer with more detail and less pizazz than Martha had but it's basically the same story of how he'd met John and became fast friends, how John was always carrying his bat and ball around and that Castle would always chase the ball all over the beach after John had taken a swing at it. Castle liked John because he always kept him busy and out of trouble and John liked Castle because of the stories he made up. Castle smiles as he remembers their little friendship but when he comes to the part of finding John on the beach, a cloud of grief falls over him and he becomes quiet.
"John and I had been playing ball, him always hitting the ball to me because he wouldn't let anyone touch his beloved bat. But I was thirsty and needed to use the restroom so I ran home for a quick break. I was only gone for twenty, maybe thirty minutes… you know how I can get sidetracked." He looks up to Beckett with a sad smile. "When I got back, John was already lying on his back with his face turned away. He was soaked from the ocean, waves still lapping at his feet. I could see that he'd been hit in the back of the head but there was no blood. It had been washed away. The bat that he always carried, would never let go of, was a few feet away where the water couldn't reach. I ran straight to Mother and she called the police right away. They questioned me for hours and as a seven year old, I didn't realize it at the time, but the questions they asked, Kate, they thought it was me. Of course the evidence couldn't corroborate that because I never touched the bat… he wouldn't let me and that's what he was killed with. But anyways, when I saw the news report two days ago, I freaked out. His parents were killed the same way he was. The killer is back, Kate."
He's starting to panic, so Beckett lets go of the hand she's been holding and wraps both of her arms around him to bring him into an embrace, sifting her fingers through his hair as she talks. "It's gonna be okay, Rick. You're safe. We'll go see the Hamptons PD tomorrow, see what we can find out."
He pulls back to look her in the eyes. "I've already tried. They don't want me anywhere near this case. I saw the looks on their faces though, the way they were looking at me. They think I'm connected to this case."
A/N: To the reviewer who asked what birthdate I was using for Castle, it's April 1st, 1969 which we saw on Alexis' family tree on the show. And the reviewer who asked about Lindsey being a good Beta... she's not good... she's awesome! And more importantly she's an amazing writer with amazing stories. Check her out at ipreferwestside. Thank you for all the reviews, follows and favs. You all are the best!
