CHAPTER 4

November 1, 1981, Hogwarts

Severus Snape woke up in the Hospital Wing. It was dark. His head felt heavy. What am I doing here? he wondered. Was it all a dream? Was he still a miserable teenager, studying at Hogwarts and trying to survive through the Marauders' pranks with his health and dignity intact? Mum, I dreamt I was a Death Eater… He felt a sudden urge to laugh. Naturally, he surpressed it. Oh, if everything had truly been a dream… Then Lily wouldn't be married to Potter, and I wouldn't have gone to the Dark Lord… Potter… Potter is dead. Oh. But Lily is alive.

That thought ran like a jolt of elecricity through his brain. Lily was alive! He had saved her!

Severus groaned and tried to rise. It cost him some effort to swing his legs out of the soft bed. He took a deep breath. He knew his way around the Hospital Wing. Potter and his cronies had sent him here often enough. Then he remembered that Potter was dead and wondered what he ought to feel. Satisfaction? Triumph? Joy? Glee? Severus felt none of those. The only emotion he felt was relief, relief because he had managed to save Lily. Where is Lily?

He tried to stand up, but his legs felt unusually wobbly. Well, what did you expect, you dunderhead? It's a miracle that you came out of there in one piece! Snape made one timid step and decided that his legs would manage to get him out of here so he could go and search for Lily.

Next thing he knew, the hard stony floor of the infirmary rose to his face and the impact drove the air out of his lungs. He must have cried because then he heard frantic footsteps and a woman's voice. Lily? But it wasn't Lily, it was Madam Pomfrey, who knelt next to him, tallking with a speed of ten words per second and Severus didn't even bother to listen to her. Instead, he saw how the stars in the sky turned into a warm, gleaming sea that rose to take him away. Then he remembered nothing.

The next morning came with a lot more clarity. And a bit more pain. With it came Albus Dumbledore, dressed in a shining robe of purple satin with pink lining. Not really the person Severus wanted to see, but there was nothing to be done.

"Severus, my dear boy," the old Headmaster smiled through his white beard, his blue eyes twinkling behind his glasses. "How are you feeling?"

"About as well as it might be expected for someone who faced the Dark Lord and lived to tell the tale," Severus replied dryly. He didn't feel like he had a particular desire to be polite right now. "I take it that Pettigrew reached you? Is he still here?"

"I alerted the Ministry. The Aurors have taken him to Azkaban to await a trial." Dumbledore averted his eyes. "It appears that the Potters put their fate in the wrong person."

"Oh…" Snape thought for a moment before he said, "Before you sent me there as well, at least tell me how is Lily."

"Sent you there, Severus? Where? To Azkaban?"

"If Pettigrew reached you, then you know I used the Imperius Curse on him."

"I looked into his memories, my boy, yes. Considering the circumstances, I'd say it was done for the greater good."

"Barty Crouch is not so liberal in his considerations."

"Ah, but dear Barty isn't here," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled again, then the blue orbs darkened, as if drowned by sadness. "I've taken care of it, Severus. I obliviated the memory of the Imperius from Peter's mind. His Dark Mark was proof enough. I cannot judge you, especially when you openly defied Voldemort and saved Lily Potter and little Harry."

Severus knew, he knew that this was going to come back and bite him later, but all he could think and say was, "So is Lily okay?"

Dumbledore sighed. "She is alive, Severus. And so is her boy. But I wouldn't go as far as to say she is, as you put it, okay. She's grieving for James. His death hurt us all."

Snape said nothing. Dumbledore noticed and continued, "What happened there, Severus? When we came James was already dead, Voldemort was torturing you, and Lily was hysterically screaming for him to stop. His… Half his right arm was missing. Then he fled, apparated away. What happened?"

"I…" his throat felt raw and swallowed heavily. "I failed to find their house in time. By the time I arrived there, Potter had just been killed. The Dark Lord was about to kill Lily too. She didn't want to step away, she refused to simply allow him to murder the babe. So I used one of my own combat spells," at this the Headmaster's blue eyes widened with surprise, "to sever his wand arm just as he was about to cast the Killing Curse on her. Then he… he turned into some kind of sentient mist, to avoid my spells," Severus thought it prudent not to mention that he had used – or at least had tried to use – the Killing Curse as well. "I implored Lily to flee, but he recovered his real form and incapacitated us both. Then you came and I… I lost consciousness. After that I woke in the Hospital Wing."

"Ah, yes, you gave Madam Pomfrey quite a fright last night, Severus."

"Sir, please, may I see Lily? I need to speak to her."

"Severus…" the Headmaster sighed. "I implore you, give her some time to grieve. I fear that she is too upset, and your presence may open too many old wounds. Give Lily some time, my boy."

"She… she shouldn't be alone…"

"She is not. Remus and Sirius are both with her."

"Oh…" Severus wanted to slap himself. What had he expected? That she'd welcome him with open arms just a night after her husband was murdered by Snape's own master? What a pathetic fool you are, Snivellus. "Very well. Then… please… if you intend to see her and talk with her… give her my condolences, and tell her I'm sorry."

"About what, Severus? That you didn't arrive on time to save James as well?"

"About everything."

Albus Dumbledore didn't say anything. Instead he reached a slender hand, patted Severus' shoulder and nodded.

"Thank you, Headmaster."

"I am the one who must thank you, my dear boy. If it weren't for you, Lily and young Harry would have died along with James. You've earned my trust, Severus, and I'm honored to call you a friend."

Severus didin't need to be an occlumens to know that such sweet sentiments always came with a price from the old wizard. Back when he had groveled before Dumbledore, pleading for Lily's life, the old man had been interested most in how he could twist Severus into servitude to the Order. Severus had willingly pledged himself to him, as no price was too great if it meant that Lily would be safe from the Dark Lord. He would be Dumbledore's pawn, he would do his bidding… as long as it meant that Lily was safe, none of it mattered. His pride was not worth more than her life.

And now Dumbledore's got you exactly where he wants you. You turned against the Dark Lord, so you cannot go back. You used an Unforgivable Curse and Dumbledore's the only person who knows about it. And you can bet your miserable arse that now he's going to hold on to Lily, to use her as a leverage. Merlin's balls, there's the one thing I didn't think about – I was not supposed to survive this! Now what? Severus could only lie his head on his pillow and wonder what task would Dumbledore have for him.