As soon as they were in the car, Ziva held her hand out to show Tony her rings. "I completely forgot. I do not want to take them off, but I am afraid he noticed them. Ducky does not miss much."
Tony twisted his own wedding band around. "No, he doesn't." He sighed. "If we were going to slip up, I wish it was after things had settled down a bit."
She thought about that and finally relaxed into the seat. "It does not matter. They are going to find out eventually. If it happens now, that will not change anything."
He slid his fingers between hers. "It could change a lot Zi, but I guess we'll worry about that when we get there."
Ziva nodded and the couple headed home. Given the emotions of the morning and the niggling worry from their encounter with Ducky, a nap was in order. Tony gave her the choice of bed or couch and planned to take the opposite one, but Ziva never let go of his hand and led him to their room, laying in the middle of the bed and beckoning him to join her. Unable to say no, Tony went with her and curled himself around her body, never not wanting to hold her. Ziva smiled sleepily and closed her eyes and Tony did the same. If not for the mountains that stood in their way, this would be a perfect afternoon.
The next thing he knew he was unexpectedly awake and trying to figure out what drew him out of a deep sleep. Then it was obvious, Ziva was gone. Though how she managed that without disturbing him, he would never know. Rubbing his eyes, he yawned and got up to look for her. The kitchen and office were empty, but his eyebrows rose when he found his wife in the spare room surrounded by torn up pieces of drawings and photos, with knees pulled tight to her chest and Moses hugged firmly in her arms. Concern flooded him and Tony knelt beside her, putting his hand on her shoulder.
"Ziva, what happened?"
She jerked away from his touch, sobs shaking her slender form. He sat helplessly on the floor, feeling awful and wishing he could do something to fix whatever was wrong now. It was ages before Ziva could speak clearly, but emotion still flooded her voice. "I hate him," she declared vehemently. "I hate him."
Tony sighed. "Your father?"
Ziva's head came up, her coffee coloured eyes flashing as she tossed the bear unceremoniously into the green suitcase. "I hate him for the childhood he stole. For ruining Ari and spoiling Tali and making me into a weapon because I only wanted to please him. I hate him for missing dance recitals and making me quit, for never being proud of the things I loved. I hate him for loving his country more than his family, for having expectations that were too high and," at this point she dissolved into tears again, "most of all I hate him for breaking my heart."
Tony tried again to hug her and this time Ziva let him. He lifted the sobbing ninja into his lap, where she clutched at his shirt and buried her face in his neck. After awhile the violent anguish subsided and Ziva shifted a bit in his hold. "I idolized him Tony," she admitted softly. "When I was little I thought my papa was the greatest man alive, that the sun rose and set on his order, that in his arms I would always be safe. And he lied." She scrubbed at wet raw cheeks and cast her gaze around for the box of tissues. Finding it within reach, Ziva grabbed a handful and mopped up the mess on her face, trying also to dab at the wet patch on her husband's shirt.
He stilled her hands. "Don't worry about it babe." Tony wove his fingers into her loose curls. "You're right. He lied and he used you and he let you go when he should've held on and done everything in his power to protect you. But he didn't and I hope Eli regrets that for the rest of his life." Their foreheads touched and he tried to focus on her eyes. "No matter what Zi, I'm going to do what he did not. I will love you and protect you and cherish every moment of our time together. No one will ever be allowed to hurt you again, because they'd have to go through me and that's not happening." Tony sighed. "I'm sorry about your childhood, for all the innocence you lost. I know words will never replace those years, but gosh Zi, I'm really going to try to love you enough to make up for them."
Still an emotional wreck from the events of the past week, Ziva's tears started all over again and she angled her head to catch his lips, alternately kissing him and crying as the impact of everything he'd promised and everything she'd been denied hit her full force. How long they stayed that way, kissing and touching and whispering healing words to each other the couple didn't know, but they were exhausted when all tears were finally dried and breathing and heartbeats had returned to normal.
Tony dropped a kiss on her nose. "I think it's time to eat. We've gotta get you back on a regular meal schedule."
She unfolded herself from his lap and slowly stood, wrapping her arms around her waist, the material of his hoodie bunching up because it hung on her right now. "I do not know what to have." Selection in food was hard to comprehend after her summer.
He leaned against the wall and put on his thoughtful face, trying to remember what he'd read in Ducky's library. The older man had left material on recovering from starvation, the aftermath of torture, and the effects of rape on his desk for Tony to find. He wished now that he'd taken notes. "I can do chicken and rice with scrambled eggs." He was looking for something that would be fairly easy on her stomach.
Ziva was having a hard time making herself care about meals, but she gave her consent. "Okay."
Pleased that she was trying, Tony made his way to the kitchen to get things started and pointed to the TV. "Can you pick us out something to watch babe? I do my best work when there's background noise."
She deliberated long enough that he almost asked if she wanted some suggestions, but then it hit him that having choices would probably be a foreign concept for awhile. Just like her shoes this morning, some things wouldn't come easily. Supper was almost finished before Ziva decided on an episode of I Love Lucy and Tony got her attention once the show began, holding two shallow bowls. "Couch or table Zi?" She wandered over to the table, taking a seat and looking at him as her answer. Tony set the food in front of her. "Bon appetit."
Ziva picked up her fork and tasted a bite. "Thank you."
He wished she would stop saying that. He didn't want to be thanked for every little thing. He was doing things for her because he loved her and the constant uncertainty only reminded him how far they were from where he wanted to be. The meal progressed slowly, with Ziva finishing only half of the small serving he'd given her, and Tony had to bite his tongue not to say anything. They ended up on the couch after dishes were done, Ziva with a book from the office and Tony trying to actually watch the movie he chose.
After several minutes Ziva made a frustrated noise in her throat and tossed the novel onto the coffee table. He paused the movie and looked at her. "I cannot concentrate! Even my own language no longer makes sense to my brain." There was really nothing he could say to that and Tony reached over to take her hand, but Ziva stood, fidgeting nervously. "I am...going to look at my flowers." Left unsaid was the 'please do not follow me' part.
He sighed, waiting until he heard the door close before getting up and going to the office. Tony stayed just out of sight, watching his wife wander aimlessly in the backyard until she finally sat on the grass, staring at the stone with her picture on it. But he didn't want her thinking about death, about how hard living was going to be and what might've happened if they'd shown up a few days later. Tony hated feeling helpless where Ziva was concerned, and in this moment he had nothing at all to offer.
NCIS
Ziva's sleep that night was restless. She couldn't seem to settle or relax enough to fully drift off, always feeling as if some unknown danger hovered in the shadows just waiting to strike. Because she couldn't settle, neither could he, and Tony spent most of the night watching his wife toss and turn from side to side, struggling to find a comfortable position and occasionally muttering to herself in a language he didn't understand. Ziva finally fell into a light slumber near dawn and Tony kissed her cheek before getting up to make coffee. He was exhausted - emotionally, mentally, and physically - but this was only the beginning and he'd have to find the resources to draw on for whatever came next.
She stayed in bed until early afternoon, not sleeping, just lying curled up on her side, one hand tucked under her head, brown hair strewn messily across the pillow, staring out the window without hardly blinking. Finally Tony came to stand at the doorway to their room. "We really should call your aunt today honey, we've kept her waiting long enough."
Ziva turned her head to look at him but appeared to be seeing past him, or through him as if he wasn't even there. The strength to move seemed beyond her ability at that moment and Tony was concerned. Going over to sit beside her, he brushed back a few errant curls. "Tell me what's going on Zi, I can't read your mind."
She shifted away from his touch and the heat of his body. "Leave me alone Tony," she said listlessly, "you cannot make this better."
That was his greatest fear confirmed, that no matter what he did he couldn't fix this for her. Not the past, not their problems, not the life they longed to have together, none of it was in his power to control. Crushed by her casual statement, Tony left the room, pretending not to hear her soft cries after his back was turned. He was her husband, her safe place, her anchor in the storm, but this was one time, one situation in which he failed at everything he'd promised to do.
It was a couple hours later when Ziva came looking for him, her hair flowing loose around her shoulders and making her look young and vulnerable. She sat beside him on the couch. "I am sorry, for earlier."
He shrugged. "You're right. There's nothing I can do." Tony wished they could find a truth that didn't hurt so much.
Ziva shook her head, resting her hand on his forearm. "I was wrong. Because you have done everything Tony, by bringing me back, by forgiving and loving me when I no longer had a right to those gifts." She touched his cheek. "I cannot always control how I feel, but I need you to know that you are doing for me everything I need, just by being here. Please do not give up," she whispered, hanging her head.
Tony sighed, putting his hand over hers. "Okay. But please stop leaving me out of what you're going through Ziva. Being on the outside is almost as bad as not having you here at all. I need your help so I don't forget."
She leaned her head against his, craving the solid warmth of him beside her, right where he'd always been. "I will try. I cannot make any promises, but I will do my best." They sat together in silence for awhile before she straightened up and brushed the wrinkles from her clothes. "I am ready now."
Hope filled his expression. "Nettie?"
Ziva nodded. "It is time."
Tony got Ziva's laptop from the office and brought it out to sit on the coffee table. Slowly her fingers moved over the mouse and keys to bring up Skype and dial Aunt Nettie. She came on the screen so quickly he wondered if she'd been sitting in front of her computer all weekend, waiting. Nettie's face lit up when she saw them. "Shalom dear ones. I am so glad to see you."
Ziva chewed on her bottom lip. "Sorry to call so late Doda."
Her brow furrowed. "It is never too late for you my darling." She considered her niece carefully. "Ma shlomech?" Nettie asked quietly. How are you?
The younger woman shook her head. "English Doda, for Tony." Then she shrugged one shoulder. "Ani lo yoda'at." I do not know.
"You are different," Nettie observed, "nervous."
Tony offered his hand to Ziva and she stared at it a moment before folding her fingers through his. She sighed. "It is very dark Doda, and hard to...be sure of anything." She leaned into her husband. "We are both afraid to wake up and find this rescue only a dream."
Sorrow cloaked Nettie's features. "How I wish I could just hold you both until the sun comes out again. It is not right that you are alone in this suffering." Then inspiration hit. "I could come, just for awhile. I could stay and be the support you are lacking now." She searched their eyes. "May I?"
Tony's throat closed at the offer and he looked over to see Ziva struggling with tears. He kept her hand between both of his and kissed her temple. "Are you sure?" Tony managed.
"Very," their aunt declared firmly.
He waited until Ziva looked at him. "What do you think honey?"
With her free hand she wiped at the errant tears rolling down her cheeks. "Bevakasha," she whispered. "Please come Doda. Ani tzricha otach." Please/I need you.
Nettie nodded. "I will be on the first flight available tomorrow, I promise."
Tony didn't know how to thank her. "We could...we could pay for your trip, since it's the second one." It would cost, but Ziva's happiness was worth the sacrifice.
She smiled kindly. "Thank you achyan, but I have my own money, enough that I will never have to worry. And being with those I love is something I value more than any cost." Nettie swallowed and fixed her eyes on Ziva again. "Does your father know yet motek?"
At the mention of Eli Ziva tensed and Tony held his breath, remembering yesterday's breakdown regarding the man. But she was stone faced as she answered. "NCIS has probably informed him as a matter of procedure. I do not know and I do not care. He did not when he sent me there or left me in the desert to die. My family is here Doda, the team and Tony. You are all that is left for me in Israel now." She looked away. "Eli is no longer my father."
Her words weighed heavily in the silence that fell, each thinking separately of what Ziva's choice would mean for all of them. Finally Nettie broke the hush. "Tell me something happy before I go Zivi, I want a good memory to hold onto."
Ziva turned to look at Tony with a watery smile. "I am home Doda. I left, I broke so many promises. But my husband still loves me and I know that we will survive this as long as he never lets go."
Tony stared into her eyes. "Never again Zi. I can't live without you, remember?"
She closed her eyes and leaned forward to join their lips. As initiated physical affection was never guaranteed, he indulged in the kiss, taking his time, tilting his head to deepen the caress. Ziva pulled away before he was ready for it to be over, but Tony had promised to be what she needed and he smiled. "Thank you."
She moved closer and his arm slid around her waist while her head came to rest on his shoulder. Nettie looked on in adoration. "Now that is something happy. Laila tov children, I will see you soon."
The screen went blank and Tony sighed, brushing his thumb over the back of Ziva's hand. "You're late for lunch babe, how about a sandwich?"
Ziva was so done hearing about food, but if she wanted to get better she had to eat. She looked at him. "Would you like help?" Being in the kitchen was her job, but she'd done nothing yet and Ziva wished she could feel even a spark of motivation to get involved in her old life.
He dropped a kiss on her head. "No thanks, I've got this covered."
She made her way to the office, flipping aimlessly through picture albums until Tony called her nearly half an hour later. Intrigued by what could've taken so long, Ziva emerged to find plates sitting on the table and a grin on her husband's face, though he looked a bit uncertain. "Well?"
Ziva sat slowly and examined her food, smiling softly. "Tony, you made sabich."
He took his place across from her. "If something from home can make you want to eat again, I'll learn how to make anything."
She took a bite and closed her eyes, remembering a day not too long ago when she wandered the streets of Tel Aviv and came across her favourite little shop that sold the delectable sandwich. She had felt so alone in Israel and the food reminded her of childhood days spent with her mother, brother, and sister. It was a taste of home when she thought she'd lost the meaning of that word altogether. And even though American sabich was not quite the same, the fact that Tony had made the effort meant everything to her.
Crunchy fresh vegetables, smooth sliced egg, and the tangy mango sauce that Nettie must have brought from Israel ignited her desire for more and Ziva took another bite. Tony watched in fascination as she devoured half of the stuffed pita before remembering to slow down so she didn't get sick. Finally her meal was gone and Ziva sighed contentedly. "That was delicious."
Tony swallowed a large bite of his own sabich and gave her a half-grin. "I'm glad to hear it."
Her eyes seemed brighter after a full meal and once they'd done dishes and cleaned up Ziva had energy that needed an outlet. She looked out the window at the sinking sun and turned to Tony. "Would you like to go for a walk?"
He was on his feet in a second and found her fall coat in the closet. Ziva was always cold now, one of the side effects of starvation and losing the layer of fat that insulted her body. She smiled at his thoughtfulness and Tony took her hand, sliding his feet into shoes while Ziva did the same and locking the door behind them. It was a calm, peaceful, end of September night and vivid streaks of purple and orange coloured the sky as dusk came upon them. Wandering slowly down the tree-lined street with Ziva brought back good memories of so many other walks they'd taken together.
Their fingers stayed linked and Tony shortened his strides to accommodate the smaller steps she took. They didn't have to say much, exchanging fleeting glances and smiles was enough. Though it came as a deep disappointment to Tony when he realized he could no longer read her every thought in Ziva's eyes. Too many things had changed and he longed for the silent conversations that had been one of their trademarks, both as partners and as a couple. He hoped that wasn't one of the things he'd have to get used to not having with this new Ziva. It was so strange to miss her when they were standing side by side.
Eventually Ziva noticed how pensive he was and stopped, searching his solemn green gaze. "Tony?"
He swallowed hard. "Kiss me Ziva, please. I really need to feel you right now."
Her brow furrowed at his phrasing but she did as he asked and leaned up, her mouth meeting his a bit hesitantly, though she quickly softened under the warm pressure of his lips. Tony brought his hands to her face, keeping her close, kissing her almost desperately as he sought the connection they used to share. Ziva broke away because his intensity alarmed her, and she struggled in his grip when he wouldn't let go. "Tony," she begged breathlessly, "do not ask me to feel something I cannot act on. Do not ask me to fill a need for you when I am only just home again. Please," she whispered, her forehead falling to his collarbone, "I cannot. I cannot. I am sorry. Please Tony, do not ask me."
Tony's heart broke at the sorrow and regret that mingled in her tone and he scrambled to get some distance from her without letting go. "Shh Zi, shh. It's okay. I'm sorry." He spoke the words softly by her ear, head bowed and arms surrounding her gently. "I didn't mean to scare you."
She looked up, her fingers lifting to lightly caress his cheek. "You have no idea how much I want to be your wife again Tony, how I long for a connection with you that will sever every memory from the camp. But I cannot. I am not ready. I do not know when or how I will ever be ready for that again. I wish I did not have to deny you what you need."
He shook his head. "I just need you Zi. You're everything good in my life. Do I miss sharing that kind of intimacy with you? Absolutely. And I look forward to the day when you can accept that form of love again. But I'm not asking for something you can't give, something that scares you, something that makes you want to push me away. What I'm asking for is everything you can give me now, without worrying about what comes next." Tony stared deep into her dark eyes. "Can you do that? Can you let me touch you and kiss you, knowing that I won't push past what you can handle? Can you initiate touch and kiss me, to show me the words you've already told me you still feel? I hate missing you when you're right here Ziva. I don't want to make you feel guilty, I just need you to understand how much I need you close. Will you try?"
Her husband's words drowned her in a river of the guilt he didn't want her to feel, but they also soothed some of her anxieties and showed her again what a good man she'd married. He loved her. He loved her enough to forgive her, enough to take care of her, enough to help her heal, enough to wait for something she'd always given him freely before. And that only made her love him more. "Yes," she told him in a hushed voice. "Yes I will try." Ziva's arms wrapped around his neck. "I love you so much Tony. Thank you. Thank you for this."
Tony hugged her carefully, still cautious of her sore ribs and healing back. They didn't always have to talk before but things had changed, they had changed, and they'd never be able to heal or explain or understand if they didn't start being, in some cases, brutally honest about what was going on in their heads and their hearts. As much as he'd rather do everything the non-verbal way, Tony knew he'd have to set the example and lay a new foundation for their interactions. It would be worth the work, the awkwardness, and the discomfort, because he already knew he couldn't live without Ziva and he'd do whatever it took to get her back.
Striving to start right away with her promise, Ziva settled by Tony's side on the couch when they got back and reveled in the familiarity of his arm around her, his warmth seeping through the layers of clothes she was swathed in, and his heartbeat steady under her hand. It was peaceful and normal and oh so necessary to do something they'd done a hundred times before. The couple watched a re-run of Numb3rs and then got ready for bed. Once under the covers, Tony propped his head up on one hand and looked at his wife, brushing his fingers down her arm.
"Can I kiss you goodnight?" She nodded and he leaned over to touch his lips to hers. Tony kept it short, not wanting to pressure her, and pulled back with a smile. He'd missed little rituals like that more than words could say.
Ziva shifted to a more comfortable position and closed her eyes. "Good night Tony."
He sighed and lay down next to her. "Good night sweetheart." Only seconds passed before Tony decided he wasn't going to pretend to be okay with the space between them. Sliding over, he kissed her neck and cuddled up nice and close, slinging his arm across her waist. She stayed absolutely still for several moments, but finally put her hand over his, their fingers meshing gently, and relaxed. And for those sweet minutes before they fell asleep, it felt just like old times.
Replies:
Emma - Thank you :) I'm glad you think so. I love horses, so that I can work them into the story makes me happy. And I've heard a lot about the healing benefits too. That's cool that you've worked with kids and horses, a memorable job I'm sure. Yes, I am still waiting until after the end of S9 (we'll follow canon until 9x24, goes AU after the phoof at the end) to have the team find out about their marriage. Yeah, I'm getting a little concerned that I've written myself into a corner with Z's name change. Here's my theory, tho I think I'm straying a bit out of the realm of possibility now: Z will keep her maiden
name for work. So on her ID badge etc., she'll still be Ziva David. But for things like her driver's license, passport, even her citizenship stuff (which she won't change over anyways until she's been reinstated with NCIS), it'll be Ziva David-DiNozzo. All the information to find out about T&Z's relationship is there if anyone looked hard enough to find it. But who has a reason to look up T's address when they think he still has his apartment? And who is really going to look at Z's driver's
license? I keep all that stuff in my wallet and rarely ever look at it, let alone show it to others. I think I'm pushing it a bit, but that's the best I can do. Hope that sort of makes sense. Thanks for reviewing! :)
Adel - Hi. I think someone actually did tell me that before, but I originally used it in another Tiva story because I'd read it in an FF story when I first started shipping Tiva. I know it's not a term of endearment but it does mean love, I think, and I like the way it sounds (in my head) so I'll probably keep using it and just call it creative license. Oh yeah, those genders always confuse me. English doesn't have gendered words so I have a hard time doing that right. I'd be open to suggestions if you have any really good terms of endearment tho. Thanks! :)
Sarah - the nail polish kind of surprised me actually, but Z needed something like that so I was happy to follow her around. Yeah, she totally wasn't expecting the plaque, but now she has a better idea of what he went through. I don't think the Z he loves died in the desert, I think she's just lost inside herself and it might take awhile to find her again. It won't be easy, but always worth the work. We'll get more in depth about what happened in Israel later, when things have calmed down and Z's had a chance to heal physically, because I agree that those wounds are not healed yet. I'm not looking
forward to the conversation, I already have a bit of it written, because words can't always make something like that better. But getting it off their chests will help, I hope, and then we'll see what happens next. Thanks for reviewing! :)
Mary Barrera - haha...you can squeal if you like, those moments will only be sporadic right now. I'm glad you liked the chapter and I'm so glad to have you along for the journey. Thanks for making an exception for MIT, I promise I'll be updating regularly and that this story is far from over. I can't believe you read all the rest in one weekend, that's dedication, thank you :) That's very sweet, I'm glad you think so. At this point the jury is still out on Ducky. I've already written where the team finds out about T&Z and I liked Ducky's reaction, but at the same time I'm willing to concede that he did see her rings but they'll play don't ask-don't tell and never actually talk about him knowing. It would be interesting, I just can't decide if that's the direction I want to go yet. Ducky would be a good silent supporter, I agree. Your reasoning is making it a challenge to figure out what to do. Ah, the hyphenated last name. To tell you the truth I'm not a huge fan of that either, but in Remnants of Somalia (my other big Tiva series) she changed her name completely and I just feel like it's very important for this Z to retain part of her identity. It really doesn't have anything to do with Eli, he's pretty much out of the picture at this point, but she's always been Ziva David and there's a certain confidence and security attached to who she was before that Z is going to want to hold onto now. Does that make any sense? Plus, she'll be using David for work, because 2 DiNozzos on the same team is just confusing, and the team doesn't get to find out yet. I'm glad you like the story, thanks so much for reviewing! :)
