A/N: Pearl seeking out Lapis to pick up where they left off. Picks up hours after Amethyst and Steven talk with Garnet.
Enjoy
Pearl knocked on the barn door, sure that the two gems inside would be able to hear her. She was hoping that Lapis would answer the door, but she got Peridot instead.
Peridot peered up at the taller gem in confusion, she looked behind her but didn't see Steven or the other crystal gems behind her. "Pearl."
Pearl cleared her throat, "Peridot." Fidgeting with her fingers in nervousness under Peridot's scrutiny.
"What can I do for you? Have you come to see the great and lovable Peridot's new amazing metal powers?"
"Um no, I haven't Peridot."
"Then you have you come to see the amazing meep morphs that me and Lapis Lazuli have created." Peridot tapped her chin in thought, "um, I do not believe that Lazuli has made any new ones since our last exhibition. I do have some of my own, though they are not completely ready and I have not shown them to anyone…I didn't really want to until they were in their complete gloriousness but if you…"
"No, no that's fine Peridot. I didn't come to see the meep morphs, I wouldn't want to show me until you are sure it is ready." Pearl waved her hands in front of her, trying to placate Peridot.
"If it is not to see the meep morphs or my fantastic metal skills why are you here?"
"I-I…um I was wondering if…if Lapis was here?"
"Lazuli?!" The green gem exclaimed, partly in disbelief and partly in outrage. She was sure that most came to visit wanted to talk to her, seeing as the blue gem wasn't very friendly with anyone but Steven…and herself, of course.
"Yes. We…we had somethings to discuss." Pearls fidgeting had gotten worse. She just wanted to talk to the water gem, find out what the other gem knew and assure herself that the other gem wouldn't tell anything to Steven.
"Ooookkkaaayyy." Peridot said, stepping back into the barn holding the door open for Pearl, turning to look for her barn mate.
Pearl slipped through the door, letting it fall close behind, though she didn't move from there, deciding to say by the door just in case she needed to make a quick escape.
"Lapis! Lapis!" Peridot yelled up to the upper level of the barn, "Pearl is here!"
Lapis was sitting on the couch, her head was resting on her knees, contemplating on what she was going to do in regards to Pearl. She was content to ignore the small green gem calls until she heard the name of the gem her mind was so wrapped up about.
She popped up quickly. ~Pearl? Pearl's here? Why?~ Appearing on the second floor of the barn, and found that indeed Peridot was correct, that Pearl was there, looking as though she was seconds away from bolting from the barn.
She quickly floated her way down to the ground floor with the help of her water wings. She didn't want Pearl to leave. ~Maybe she wants to talk? It doesn't matter anyway, I want to help. I shouldn't look a gifted horse in the mouth, right, isn't that what Steven would say?~
"Pearl." She tried to keep her composer, tried not to appear overexcited from her presence, she wanted to sooth her, not scare her.
Pearl jumped anyway, she seemed to come out of a trance, she seemed surprised that Lapis was in front of her. ~Ugh, I've got to stop doing that around her, I cannot continue to be distracted with others around.~
"L-Lapis. Um hi, I wanted to know if you wanted to talk? I wanted to apologize about how I acted earlier…" Pearl murmured, averting her eyes.
"Oh, no. No, I mean yes. Yes!" Lapis stammered back, ~You sound stupid, stop talking Lapis.~
Lapis blew out a breath, calming herself. "Yes. I would like to talk with you if that's okay. Maybe we could go somewhere else." Glancing a look at Peridot, who was failing at being inconspicuous.
Pearl nodded her head, she had forgotten that Peridot was still in the barn. ~I need to compose myself, how am I going to go on missions if I can't pay attention to my surroundings? I need to remain alert, Garnet and Amethyst and Steven are already worried, more now my earlier meltdown…~
By then Pearl had realized that she was outside of the barn, that she had followed Lapis out without thought or comprehension. She didn't even know how long they had been walking ~Ugh, didn't I just say I needed to pay attention!~
Pearl cleared her throat, "Thank you for meeting with me Lapis. I appreciate it, I know that it is late in the evening, but I didn't feel as if it was within my best interest to reach out to you until I had time to think."
"You mean so that you could sneak out of the house without Steven asking where you were going?" Lapis deadpanned, she wasn't going to allow Pearl to make up excuses. She didn't care about her reasons, she just wanted Pearl to talk to her.
Pearl blushed but didn't correct the blue gem.
Lapis sighed internally. She knew she had to tread carefully, she didn't want to upset Pearl. She just wasn't use to extending the olive branch, but she felt a deep pull with herself to help the pale gem. As she had wanted to do all those centuries ago, and the need hadn't stopped when she was placed in the mirror; or when she was stuck at the bottom of the sea all those months with Jasper as Malachite. Her need to help Pearl was just a strong a pull as to protect Steven.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me when you were trapped in the mirror?" Pearls question was abrupt and not something that Lapis expected, it startled her badly enough that she stopped walking. Standing still in the farm land that extended in front of the barn, she stalled for time, trying to come up with a response.
She knew that she just couldn't ask Pearl to talk to her and expect her to open up. She knew that she had to tell her if she wanted the other gem to confide in her, so that she could maybe help her. ~Maybe we can both get something out of this, maybe helping her, talking to her will help. I've been alone for so long, and so has she.~
"Because you needed me…" Lapis let the confession sit open-ended, she sat down in the open field, leaving Pearl standing. She watched the stars, remember her journeys through space, of how free she was then.
Pearl glanced down at Lapis, eyes wide. "I needed you?"
"I remember every one of our talks Pearl. I remember everything you asked me to show you, everything you said to me."
Pearl released a breath and seemed to sag next Lapis. She had hoped that Lapis didn't remember, she didn't even want to remember anything. "Everything?"
Lapis nodded but knew that Pearl wasn't staring at her, so she continued.
"Everything. All of your conversations to me. I wanted to tell you I was there at first, I wanted you to let me out. I was angry in the beginning, I thought that you knew I was in there and I was so mad that you had the audacity to even ask me anything after you trapped me in there. I thought you were heartless."
Lapis clenched her fingers together, thinking about the dark beginning centuries. She glanced to see Pearl crying into her hand, but she knew that she had to tell her everything.
"And then you asked me to show you White Diamond, and former pearl. Then I recognized you it in your eyes, I knew I knew you from somewhere but it wasn't until you asked me that question that I remembered, that I realized who you were. Then I was okay."
She let her eyes turn to look at Pearl and smiled slightly, though she was sure the Pearl couldn't see it.
"You would talk to me, about what you had been going through, about the gems that you missed every day. About how amazing Rose Quartz was. How you needed her, how much wanting her and loving her was a part of you, how much it hurt you. How unworthy you and inadequate you felt in her presence. How you felt that you'd rather love her and she didn't love you back, than to be where you were. About how she was the first quartz to show you kindness, the first gem that didn't hurt you."
Lapis looked up at the stars, thinking back to how she felt all those years ago.
"I felt like maybe I was helping you, like I wanted to all those centuries ago and I was okay with that, okay being stuck if it meant that I could help, that I could encourage you, even if you didn't know it was me."
Lapis felt her form shutter, she hated think about what followed, hated remembering the bleak emptiness.
"And then you just abandoned me, kept me in your gem as if I was nothing, and I was just left in there, forgotten. I wallowed in the loneliness and despair and it consumed me, I wanted someone to blame, and I used you. Then when Steven talked to me I felt like there was hope again, and then he let me out and I saw you, happy and content, I was just so envious; that you found happiness while I was stuck. That you found it without me. I just wanted peace too." She let a few tears fall from her eyes, she felt so much better, relieved, like a weight had been lifted from her chest. Talking about it helped so much, she was tired of letting the pain devour her.
"I'm sorry." Pearl sobbed out into her hands.
"What!" She yelped turning to face Pearl, "No, no I don't blame you." Lapis spoke soothingly, wiping at her eyes. She hated that she caused Pearl so much distress.
"You should! I kept you trapped in there, I forgot about you!" Pearl grasped her hair, "If I just asked Rose, maybe…maybe I could have let you out? How could she do that to you, how could she let me do that to you? She knew what I went through, I told her! How could she still do that to you? Why wouldn't anyone else tell me? Why would she use me like that?" Pearl raved, angry at herself and at her fellow Crystal Gems, she felt so betrayed.
"I don't know Pearl. I can't tell you that. I do know that she cared about you, she wouldn't risk a revolution, of being capture or shattering, to get you out of White Diamonds court if she didn't. I wish I had the courage, but I don't think you even knew I was there. Maybe she wanted to protect you. You're so good Pearl, maybe she just didn't want you to see the real horrors of the war."
Pearl scoffed wiping her eyes, she was so tired of crying, "I lived in horror, I experienced it from the moment I was created. Every day of my existence in White Diamonds court."
Pearl and Lapis fell silent, only the occasional sniffle breaking through.
~We always have silences like this. How did we get to talking about me? I wanted to help Pearl, maybe I'm just too selfish. I just wish she'd talk to me. Jasper's thoughts weigh on me every day; I hope that she didn't so anything that she schemed as Malachite. I would feel so guilty if she hurt her and I could have helped.~
"I remember you. You know?" Pearl commented.
Lapis head twisted sharply to face her, she found herself looking into Pearls deep arctic blue eyes.
"You came often, a messenger for Blue Diamond; to give White Diamond reports. When the Galaxy Warps weren't running. Or if it was something private, that was for her eyes only and she didn't trust another to send it."
Lapis nodded her head, she didn't think that Pearl would recognized her at all. She was sure that she was just another passing face for the elite pearl.
"I remembered every face that came into White Diamonds Court, especially the ones that showed me kindness. You were one of the only ones that didn't look at me with pity or revulsion or envy or lust; or the ones that just didn't see me at all. You looked at me and I felt hope, that there were other gems out there that did not want to hurt me. That there were gems that didn't want to use me for their gratification, to exploit me. Your eyes got me through some of the darkest times."
Pearl looked back out into the open sky, tears streaming endlessly from her eyes. ~It was so much easier to see the stars from here than from the beach, no wonder Lapis likes it better up here.~
"But that was a long time ago Lapis, and no matter if we don't age, we do change. I've tried everything I can to get away from that part of my life and while you helped me then I don't think you can help me with this."
Lapis nodded to herself, despondent. ~Why won't she just let me help her! She doesn't have to be so strong, leaning on others doesn't make you weak.~
"I understand that you don't trust me, I know that you don't believe that I'm being sincere. But I've sent so long alone, spent so much time brewing in pain and anger, and I'm tired of it. I want to help you because I want to help myself, Pearl. Helping you might make me feel less like the monster I became when I was Malachite. I want to help because I think that you're the only one that understands, because I know what you're going through, and I know you know that! We both deserve happiness after what we've been through." After Lapis said her piece she stood, ready to fly off and leave Pearl there alone.
"Wait!" Pearl choked out beseechingly, reaching out a hand to Lapis but letting it fall before it made contact, tugging it back into her body. She hadn't touched anyone since her encounter with Jasper and she didn't think she could start now.
"Please just, just I'm sorry. I'm not ready. I…I…I can't, not now. Please just don't tell Steven. Whatever it is you think you know, please don't tell him. I'll do anything, just don't tell him anything, please…I." Her voice broke off; she couldn't keep going, grasping for breath that she didn't need. ~Is this what drowning feels like?~
Lapis sighed, "I'm not going to tell Steven. I promise you. I just want to be here for you Pearl, when you're ready. Whether you say you need it or not." With that said Lapis took off into the sky back towards the barn. Leaving Pearl to watch the stars alone.
