THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT:II

Chapter 4- Gweedo the Magnificent

Navi: That must be the cave!

Gozz: That tiny hole? That's not a cave. That's a rabbit hole.

Navi: C'mon! Don't be such a baby!

Zack: Lets check it out He walks in and Gozz follows

Gozz: Cool!

They're inside a giant cavern filled with pools and a big waterfall

Zack: I wouldn't mind chillin here for awhile.

Navi: There's no time for "chillin". We have to get the Zora Sapphire.

Gozz: Where is it? This place is pretty big.

Zack: I bet the Zora Chief has it.

Gozz: Master Chief?

Zack: You know, whoever's in charge. Kings are usually at the top of level so we're goin up.

They follow a winding ramp to the top of the cave

Gozz: What is that?

Sitting in front of a gate is a giant, ugly fish frog looking thing wearing a crown

Zack: It looks like it crawled out of cave trolls ass!

Gozz: Disgusting!

Navi: You don't look so good yourself Gozz.

Gozz: Oh yeah? Why don't you stop glowing so we can all see that ugly mask you call a face fairy freak!

King: Oh my poor Ruto, where art thou? Boo-hoo! Oh woe is me! He sobs

Zack: Hey King!

King: Boo-hoo! Ruto, where art thou?

Zack: Hey! Yo!

King: Boo-hoo! What do I do?

Zack: Talk to me!

King: Boo-hoo! I haven't a clue!

Navi: What's wrong your highness?

King: I can't find my daughter Ruto anywhere.

Gozz: Well getting off your ass and looking might help.

Navi: Gozz!

King: It's true! I'm to fat and lazy to look for her. But I must find her. Boo-hoo!

Zack: Do you know where the Zora Sapphire is?

King: Not exactly.

Zack: What does that mean?

King: Ruto has the Zora Sapphire with her.

Zack: If I find her can I have it?

King: Yes. Anything if you find her for me. Boo-hoo!

Gozz: Stop crying! It's not like she's dead or something.

King: Dead? Oh don't say that! You'll make me worried.

Gozz: Well she could be lying in a hole unconscious with her legs broken.

King: No! Boo-hoo!

Zack: Or she could be cut up inside a Dodongo's stomach.

King: Stop it! Boo-hoo!

Gozz: Remember that story on the new last year?

Zack: The one about the kidnapped Zora?

Gozz: That's the one!

King: No! It's not true! Boo-hoo!

Zack: Yeah. The Mexicutioner kidnapped that young Zora girl and locked her in a cell inside Death Mountain.

King: No!

Gozz: For 3 years!

King: No!

Zack: And fed her bomb flowers!

King: No!

Navi: Stop it!

Gozz: And made her drink gasoline!

King: No!

Zack: And then he lit a match and threw it down her throat!

King: No!

Gozz: BOOM!!! Zora fireworks!

King: NOOOO!!!! He stands up in rage I'll kill you!

Zack: Calm down Gollum. We'll get your precious.

King: No. You are evil. You will pay. RAHH!!! He hops off it's throne and stomps toward them

Gozz: He'll squish us flat!

He and Zack turn and run down a hallway

King: There is no escape!

The hallway ends at the top of the waterfall

Zack: That's a loooong way down.

Gozz: He's gaining. What are we gonna do?

Zack: Shoot him!

Gozz fires some deku seeds at the King but it does nothing to slow his advance

Gozz: It's not working!

Zack: Uhh….Dins Fire! He charges up a fireball

King: I have you now! He brings up his foot to stomp them

Zack: Jump! He and Gozz leap off the top of the waterfall and splash into the water below

Gozz: He's not following us. Thank god.

The King pulls a lever and it opens up a hole at the bottom of the pool

Zack: What's that noise?

King: I hope you like my drain pipe! Goodbye!

The drain pipe sucks them down

Zack: Noo!!!

They try to fight the current but they are dragged into the hole and shot out of a pipe

Gozz: Air!!! He gasps and takes big breath-fulls of oxygen

Zack: Where are we?

Link: Lake Hylia.

They spin around

Zack: What are you doing here? How'd you find us?

Link: You two aren't exactly hard to find. I just follow the chaos.

Gozz: Ha! Your funny Link.

Link: We need to save Ruto. Stop swimming and get out.

Zack: How do you know about Ruto?

Link: I found this. He hands Zack a piece of parchment I found it in a bottle on the shore

Gozz: What's it say?

Zack: It says "Come for me. I'm waiting inside Lord Jabu Jabu's belly. P.S- Don't tell my father"

Gozz: What the hell? Jabu Jabu's Belly? Is a restaurant?

Zack: I have no idea.

Link: We have to go back and tell the King.

Zack: Were not talking to the King. He's crazy.

Gozz: He attacked us for no reason!

Navi: No reason! You two were…

Zack: Hey! Looky here! A fishing pond.

Gozz: Let's do it.

Link: We don't have time for fishing! We need to save…

Zack and Gozz walk into the fishing store

Fishing guy: Hello. My name is Gweedo the Magnificent and welcome to the greatest show on earth! A dorky lookin man hops over the counter wearing a wizard hat and carrying a wand

Gozz: I thought this was a fishing pond.

Gweedo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Faries and faggits, brace yourselves for more excitement then you can possibly handle!

Zack: This should be good.

Gweedo: For my first trick, I will make any member in the audience swear at my will.

Link: Swearing is terrible! I'd never swear!

Gweedo: You! Fag in the green. Come here.

Link walks over to him

Gweedo: What's your name?

Link: My name is Link.

Gweedo: I don't like that name. Your new name is Cuss-o-rawma. So tell me Cuss, how are you feeling?

Link: I feel gr…

Gweedo: That's nice! And where are you from?

Link: I'm from Ko…

Gweedo: Cool! How's the whether up there?

Link: It's..

Gweedo: Excellent! I'm glad to hear it.

Gozz: This is great.

Gweedo: So Link. Are you ready to be at my complete mercy?

Link: I shall never swear! Ever!

Gweedo: Really? Never?

Link: Never! The day I swear I'll cut my toes off!

Gweedo: Please sit in this chair He directs Link to a chair and straps him in

Link: Is this necessary?

Gweedo: Please repeat what you just said. You will never swear?

Link: Never!

Gweedo: And if you do you'll cut off your toes?

Link: Yes!

Gweedo: All of them?

Link: Yes!

Gweedo: With a rusty wood saw?

Link: Yes!

Gweedo: Ladies and gentlemen. Little Cuss thinks he can withstand my powers.

Zack: No way!

Gozz: Your Gweedo! No one can stand up to you!

Gweedo: Exactly! Now Cuss, we will begin. Cuss, you are

Link: My name's not Cuss…

Gweedo: Shutup! He punches Link in the nose

Link: OW! What was that for?

Gweedo: No one interrupts Gweedo the magnificent. Now Cuss, if you were walking down the street and a thief jumped you and stole your sword would you swear?

Gozz: That actually happened.

Gweedo: Did it now? And did he swear?

Gozz: Like a sailor!

Link: That's a lie! I never…

Gweedo punches him in the nose again

Gweedo: No talking when the audience is in conversation with me. Now where was I? Oh yes. Now Cuss, I'm going to make you swear by gradually subjecting you to more and more pain. If you can make it threw all 5 levels of pain without swearing, you'll win a fabulous prize. But if you fail, then I get to cut off your toes with a chainsaw! Ready?

Link: Let me out of this thing!

Gweedo: Lets begin. First, I shall give you a titty twister with this here clamp. Ready?

Link: No! Let me…

Gweedo clamps onto his nipple and spins it around 360 degrees

Link: AHHHH!!! Heavens to Betsy of Murgatroyd! Help me guys!

Zack: Nope.

Gozz: Sorry, were not allowed to interrupt Gweedo's show.

Gweedo: Level 2. Now I will smash your thumb with this Viking battle hammer. Ready? Go!

He slams the metal hammer onto Links hand

Link: GOOD GRACIOUS!!! AHHHH!!!! He jerks at his restraints but he can't get free

Gweedo: Hmm…Playing tough are we? Time for Level 3. Say hello to my pepper spray. I hope you your not wearing contacts cuz your about to be maced in the face. Ready? Go!

He sprays Links eyes with a whole bottle of mace

Link: My eyes!!! It burns!!! Help me!!!

Navi: Link!

Gweedo: Silence Fairy! Now you can participate to. Give me that bottle.

Zack hands Navi's bottle to Gweedo

Zack: Bye Navi.

Navi: You can't do this!

Zack: I just did.

Gweedo: Level 4. I'm going to pass an electric current with 5000 volts of electricity threw Navi's bottle. And for Link, You get to be covered in chicken blood. Navi first. Ready, go!

He tazers Navi's bottle

Navi: ZAHHHH!!!! Her light flashes and she drops to the bottom of the bottle

Gweedo: Now Link. Ready? Set? Go!

He dumps a vat of chicken blood over Link, mainly his crotch

Link: That didn't hurt at all.

Gweedo: But Level 5 will. I'm gonna let my pit bulls loose to feed on the chicken blood. They really love that taste.

Link: NOOO!!!! HELP ME!!! IM THE HERO OF TIME!!!YOU CANT DO THIS!!!

Gweedo: I can and I will. He whistles Come here boys!

A pack of pit bulls run over to Link and growl

Link: no…

Gweedo: Sic em!!!

Link: NOOOOOOO!!!!! AHHH!!!!

The pit bulls tackle him and tear at his crotch with their teeth taking massive mouthfuls of meat

Link: My baby makers! They ate my baby makers! AHHH!!!!

Zack: It's not like you were ever gonna use them.

Gweedo: Hmm… Well, you didn't cuss so, go home boys!

The dogs walk off to their dog houses

Link is sobbing miserably and writhing in agony

Gweedo: You're the first person to ever win. Congratulations!

Link: WIN!? YOU CALL THIS WINNING!!! F YOU!!!

Everyone gasps

Gweedo: Uh-oh. You just swore.

Link: I already won. It's over.

Gweedo: It's not over until I say its over. And now it's over for your toes. Let me get my chainsaw… He walks into a back room

Link: Help me guys. Help…

Zack: Oh fine. Let's get him Gozz… They un-strap Link

Gozz: I'll take this. He snatches a bottle off the prize display

Zack picks up Navi and they leave

Zack: Ok Link. We're taking you to Zora's Domain. Maybe they have a doctor there. Who knows?

Gozz: Who cares?

They laugh

After an hour, they arrive back at Zora's Domain. They drop Link off at the clinic and return to the Kings chamber

King: Boo-hoo! What do you want now?

Zack: We have news from your daughter.

King: Really. What?

Zack: We found a letter by Lake Hylia. It said "Come for me, I'm waiting inside Lord Jabu Jabu's belly." Do you know what that means?

King: Inside Jabu Jabu? This is impossible!

Zack: What is Jabu Jabu? Some kind of club?

King: Jabu Jabu is my giant pet hippo.

Gozz: Hippo? Your daughter was eaten by a hippo?

King: Apparently not, or else she couldn't have sent this letter. You need to go save her. If you do that then you can have the Zora Sapphire.

Zack: I'm not sure this rescue is gonna work. We're going inside a giant hippo. How are we gonna get out?

King: I'm sure you'll figure it out. Now go. He lives in the shrine behind me.

Gozz: Well move it already.

The King slowly butt crawls to the side of his throne while making a weird chirping noise

They walk past him

Zack: That's Jabu Jabu?

An enormous hippo sits in the water in front of them

Gozz: I don't wanna go in that thing. The Deku Tree was bad enough.

Link: Wait for me! He walks up to them

Gozz: How are you feeling Link? More aerodynamic?

Link: The doctor fixed me up fine, thank you very much. Everything's back where it belongs.

Gozz: They put your ovaries back in?

Zack laughs

Link: What are these ovaries you speak of?

Zack: Don't worry about it. Let's get in this hippo. Open up! He snaps his fingers in Jabu Jabu's face

It stares at him unblinking

Gozz: Maybe if we got it some food…

Zack: Like what?

Jabu: FISH!!!

They spin around and look at it

Zack: It can talk?

Jabu: FISH!!!

Gozz: I think it wants fish.

Jabu: I SMELL FISH!!! It stares at Links crotch

Zack and Gozz burst out laughing

Zack: Gozz you were right! Link does have ova…WHOA!!!

Jabu Jabu sucks them inside its mouth

Gozz: This is gross! He carefully steps between mountains of rotten food

Navi: Well at least were inside. Now all you have to do is find her.

Gozz: Where could she be?

Link: Probably further down.

They walk down the throat

Navi: I see her!

They come into a chamber and see Ruto

Ruto: Who is you?

Link: I'm Link, the Hero of Time and…

Gozz: He had to throw that in there…

Link: …we were sent here to rescue you.

Ruto: Rescue me? Shit…I ain't need no Hero of Time's help!

Link: We received your letter and it said…

Ruto: What letter is you talkin bout?

Gozz: Don't play dumb guppy girl! Just give us the sapphire and we'll leave.

Ruto: Don't yell at me white boy! I oughta slap yo ass. Comin in here orderin me round and shit. Do you know who I'm is?

Zack: You're a ghetto princess and your coming with us.

Ruto: In yo dreams child. I'll do whatever I damn well please!

Link: Your father is worried about you! Please go see him!

Ruto: Screw you, yo Dairy Queen lookin ass. That hat makes you look like a damn ice cream cone.

Zack and Gozz laugh

Navi: Ruto, listen to us! You need to…

Ruto: I need to kick yo ass, that's what I need! You best close those nasty fairy lips of yours for I shove my fist down your throat. Yaw meen?

Zack: Well if you won't leave then can you just give us the sapphire? We need it.

Ruto: I tell you what. If you helps me I'll help you.

Zack: What do I gotta do?

Ruto: Jabu's sick. There's a nasty ol' virus in here killin him. You busta cap in his viral ass and you'll get your bling. Yaw meen?

Zack: Word.

Gozz: Where is it?

Ruto: It's just down the tunnel behind me. Hurry up.

Zack, Gozz, and Link walk down the tunnel

Gozz: Ow!

Something drops from the roof and conks him on the head

Gozz: What is this? He bends over and picks it up

Zack: What?

Gozz: I found me a boomerang! Yeah! Let's go kill us a virus!

They walk into the room at the end and a "door" locks behind them

Zack: Uh-oh.

Link: Here it comes!

A jellyfish lookin blob plops down from a hole in the ceiling

Gozz: I'll take care of this He shoots it a few times with his deku seeds

Every hit makes the blob grow bigger

Gozz: Die already! He shoots it over and over

The virus continues to grow

Zack: Stop it! Try something else

Electricity builds up on one of its tentacles

Link: Watch out!

It shoots it out and it zaps Gozz

Gozz: ZAHHHH!!!! He falls over twitching

Link: Attack! He and Zack rush the virus

Link slashes its tentacle and is shocked

Link: AHHH!!! He drops his sword

Zack stabs it in the center

The virus wraps a tentacle around Link and continues shocking him

Link: AHH-AHH-AHH! He flails around wildly

The virus throws Link into Zack and they crash into the wall

Zack: Oof! He pushes Link off him

Gozz: Zack! Your sword did nothing!

Zack: I know. I got an idea though. A blue glow surrounds his sword

Gozz: Smart! A red light flares in his hand

The virus charges up a storm of electricity

Zack: I got it! The light shines intensely at the tip

Gozz: Me too! Fire envelopes his right hand

The virus unleashes it deadly charge at them

Zack: Holy!

The arches of lighting scream toward them from every angle

Zack: Don't fail me now! He spins around in a circle and the magic spins around him and deflects the lightning

Gozz: Burn! He throws the fireball into the virus

It slowly moves toward them building another charge

Gozz: No way!

Suddenly it stops and shakes, then implodes

Zack: That's what I'm talkin about!

They high five

Link: Good job. Now let's get out of here.

They return to the King with Ruto

King: Thank you for finding my daughter. You may have the sapphire as agreed. He tosses it to Zack who puts it in his pocket

Zack: Alright. We got em all!

King: I must somehow show my appreciation. Ah I know! The one named Gozz may have my daughters hand in marriage!

Ruto: You crazy pops? That cracker ain't touchin me!

Gozz: No thanks.

King: Now now you two. You must! It's tradition!

Ruto: But pops…

King: I'll hear nothing of it! You two shall be wed this evening.

Gozz: Hell no!

King: Excuse me? I said this matter is not open for discussion. You two will become husband and wife and…

Gozz: Make a bunch of freak fish babies? No way!

King: You must! Or you may not have the sapphire.

Zack: I already got it.

King: Then if they will not marry I will take it back.

Zack: In yo dreams child! I'm outta here.

Gozz: Me too!

King: You'll not leave here a single man Gozz! You and my daughter will be like peas and carrots! You'll make the perfect…

Gozz: I'M NOT F A FREAKIN FISH!!!

Zack: Bye! They high-tail it out of Zora's Domain and head back down the river where they encounter a strange man

Gozz: Look at that fat guy! What's he eating?

Link: Looks like beans.

Zack: A true beaner!

Beaner: Hey my man! Check it out!

Zack: What?

Beaner: Have I got the deal for you!

Zack: Do you?

Beaner: That's for you to decide. Check out this bag He holds out a bag of beans labeled "Green Beans"

Zack: It has beans.

Beaner: Wow! I'm impressed!

Zack: Who cares if you're impressed?

Beaner: I do. Wanna know why?

Zack: Why?

Beaner: Because. You wanna cuz why?

Zack: Why?

The beaner grins

Zack: Why dammit!

Beaner: These are some magic beans!

Gozz: Looks like green beans to me.

Beaner: Looks can be deceiving. Look at me. To you I probably look like an incredibly handsome, extremely physically fit body builder. But in reality I'm an invincible Bean Lord from the North with enough strength to topple buildings!

Gozz: To me you look like an incredibly obese, extremely greasy burger boy. But in reality you're a fat, stinky beaner who lost his green card and is tryin to sell Marijuana seeds off as beans to get money to buy a new one!

Beaner: Nonsense! Buy some beans!

Gozz: Keep your damn beans to yourself!

Beaner: But they're magic!

Zack: This isn't Jack and the beanstalk homey! Get off the pipe every once in a while!

They walk away

Beaner: I'll remember this! He shakes his fist in rage in between mouthfuls of beans

They walk towards Hyrule Castle

Zack: Well we finally got all 3 stones!

Gozz: Now we get our rewards!

Zack: Yeah!

Link: Thank you both for your help on this quest. We might not have gotten along very well but at least we got the job done.

Navi: Amen!

Zack: Shutup. Once I get my reward I'm buying a mansion!

Gozz: I'm buying Hyrule!

A thunderstorm starts and Hyrule's drawbridge raises

Zack: Ah man! Now we gotta wait till morning for it to open! Dammit!

Suddenly the drawbridge lowers and Zelda and Impa go riding by on horseback

Zack: Where the heck are you going!? We got the stones! GET BACK HERE!

Zelda turns and throws something towards them and it lands in the moat

Gozz: Who's that? He points to a dark figure riding a black horse

Link: GANONDORF!

Ganondorf: Argh! I lost them! You three! He turns to them You must have seen the white horse go by just now…Which way did it go?

Gozz: Sorry. Momma said not to talk to strangers.

Ganondorf: ANSWER ME!!!

Zack: Ah shutup Ganondork…

Link: DON'T!

Ganondorf: You've got guts kid. You got guts. And I'm gonna spill them all over the ground if you don't tell me where that horse went!

Zack: Try me.

Ganondorf laughs

Ganondorf: Alrighty then. He forms two purple energy balls in his hands One for you and one for mommas boy.

Gozz: We got one for you two. He and Gozz try to form Dins Fire

Nothing happens

Gozz: I can't make a fireball!

Zack: Me neither!

Link: You used it up fighting the virus!

Ganondorf: That's your hope? Fire? Ha! Try these on for size! He shoots them at Zack and Gozz

Zack tries to knock it away with his sword but it snaps in half and he gets nailed in the face

Zack: AUGH!!! He falls to the ground and lays still

Gozz tries to block it with his shield but it blasts a hole threw it and hits him in the chest

Gozz: UGH!!! He crashes to his knees then falls on his face

Ganondorf: Pathetic little fools! Do you realize who you are dealing with!? I am Ganondorf and soon I will rule this world! He gallops off

Link: Are you guys alright?

Zack: Yeah…Give me a couple hours…

Gozz: Me…too…

Link: I warned you! But you had to run your mouths.

Zack: What did Zelda throw in the moat?

Link: Let me check. He fishes it out and brings it over It's the Ocarina of Time!

Zack: Gimme that! He snatches it out Links hands and examines it There's a message here. It's got song notes on it. "Play in front of the Door of Time"

Link: Let's go now!

They follow Link inside Hyrule and into the Temple of Time

Gozz: Wow…I feel underdressed.

Link: Look! The pedestal for the spiritual stones! Put them in!

Zack: K. He puts them in Now what?

Link: Now play the song of time.

The air fills with the sound of the song

The door of time opens

Link: This is it! They walk in

In the center of the room is a sword set in a block of stone

Link: The Master Sword! Only the Hero of Time can pull it out.

Gozz: It's MINE! He tugs at it but it doesn't move

Link: Zelda said I'm the Hero of Time remember? Only I can use it! He grabs the hilt and pulls but the sword remains stuck WHAT!? What has happened!? Something is terribly wrong!

Zack: Let me try. He pulls the sword and it comes free Huh? Whoa! There's a blinding flash of white light

Suddenly Ganondorf's voice booms out

Ganondorf: Geh heh heh! Excellent work! You've led me straight to the Triforce! I'll just take it and be on my merry way!

Link: No!

The light flares up and Zack falls to the ground unconscious

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REWRITE :)