My condition was only getting worse as the days ticked by with no news of how China fared. I didn't understand how an event as large as Japan invading China was going unnoticed by the world. I found myself continually absentminded in meetings and everyday situations. Constantly, my mind was trying to figure out what was happing to China and how to change it. I wanted to personally march into China and show Japan why no one should threaten my Chun-yan.
But there was too much holding me back. Our relationship was still a complete secret and I couldn't possibly use my country's resources when it was already in so much need. Ukraine would probably bite my head off if I assisted China right after denying her more machinery. Every way I looked at the situation I only ran into some kind of wall, something preventing me from helping her. My frustration was immense. I was sitting on a snow covered roof, overlooking my land. I looked to the south, to China, where I wished to be. I looked over my land once again, it always looked the same. It only ever looked different during war, when blood coated everything. Sometimes the snow was blood stained without war, but, those were times I would rather not dwell upon.
My legs dangled over the side of the roof and I kicked them, bouncing my heels off the wall. My gloved hand grasped a handful of snow and I raised it eye-level. I simply stared at the white, frozen water, my mind stuck in the past I wished to forget. Always in the background of my mind, a hunger, a thirst, to kill and destroy. I found it so astounding that a crazed, bloodthirsty man like myself was blessed with something as delicate as a beautiful woman. I knew Chun-yan had her fair share of ruthlessness, but she was still a woman, a woman with a big heart for all her people.
My hand clenched into a fist and I created a miniature snow storm in my lap. I sighed as I watched the wind drag the flakes away before they landed. I pulled myself to my feet and stared at my land once more before I turned to return home. I walked inside my home, shedding my scarf and coat. The Baltics heard my entrance and were quickly lined up to my side.
"W-Welcome back Russia sir!" Lithuania stammered, saluting me as the other two followed suit.
"Dinner is on the table, da?" I asked, tilting my head and putting on a smile.
I often used this carefree façade to keep people from asking questions. I preferred to appear as though I didn't have a care in the world. If only they all knew the madness behind the mask. On the inside, there was a mixture of a blizzard, a tornado, and a thunderstorm. My inner turmoil was too immense to measure. Not to sound 'woe is me' but that was how I truly felt about life. No, I couldn't call it life, it was more like existing.
"Y-yes sir! O-f o-of course Russia sir!" Lithuania said quickly, scrambling from his spot to lead me towards the dining room He opened the door for me and pulled out my chair at the head of the table.
The rest of my house filed in and joined me. Our portions were scarce, none of us were feasting tonight. Belarus took a seat to my right, Ukraine to my left. We all settled in and began to eat in silence, the air felt thick all around the table.
"S-so. About the invasion in the south." Estonia said softly.
My eyes raised from my plate to stare at Estonia so intensely he began to shake. He shrank back, returning to his meal in silence.
"Pretty crazy that Japan would do that." Ukraine spoke eyes flashed in anger, glaring sidelong at my sister.
She obliviously continued to speak of China, rather carelessly. I gripped my fork so tightly that blood began to pool in my hand. I scooted my chair back from the table, quickly standing to my feet. Without a word, I departed from the dining room. I wandered into the bathroom, washing out my wound before wrapping it with a thin cloth. I stared at my reflection, realizing just how haggard I looked as of late. Blood splattered the mirror from my cleanup and it brought back memories.
Blood splattered across my clothing as I mercilessly beat a smaller country. A sadistic grin spread across my features as I whipped the smaller country, relishing his cries. Another glimpse of myself, taking a country for everything she had as I groped her and forced myself into her. Smoke, flames, blood, my starving people. The sound of explosions rang through my ears. I could smell the battlefields, feel the death.
I returned to the present and stared at the mirror for nearly five straight minutes before releasing a heavy gasp. I breathed shallowly, clutching the counter with my good hand. The flashbacks were becoming more and more frequent, more vivid, more intense.
I fled the bathroom, quickly reaching my bedroom where I found and opened my bottle of vodka. I gripped the bottle of liquor, my only friend, my only ally in this frozen wasteland full of people I did not wish to be around. I hastily drank from the bottle, relishing it like a child relishes his mother's breast milk. Soon I found myself slumping to the ground, curling my body in on itself. The flashbacks continued and I gripped the sides of my head as it throbbed. For a moment, I lost my grip on reality as blood pooled all around me.
"Is that… Mine?" I thought groggily before I realized it was just another flashback. It took much of my control to not scream out in pain. My mind was literally tearing me apart from the inside and it was starting to be too much for me to handle.
