A/N: OMG. What the fuck? (Sorry.) But like…oh my frickin God. 50 reviews? Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You guys are like killing me so I can come back to life and write and then die again.
To put it simply…
I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! If I knew where you lived, I would be flying there and giving you all hugs and muffin baskets. LOL I love muffins. :D
Well, someone created a James Angst playlist (fall into your sunlight) and I've been listening to it and, well, this was born. :D Ugh. I am rewriting all the chapters and AHH! At least I planned them out… But the thing is my ear phones STOPPED WORKING! So I have no way to listen to my music without it blaring out the speakers. GRRRR. Ah, oh well. The rain stopped. It soaked me because I enjoy dancing and singing obnoxiously in the rain. I can imagine James doing that with Kendall…there's a one shot idea. *cough*write a fic*cough* Anyway! Thank you for the reviews!
Chapter Four:
James' POV:
It's been a week since that incident with Kendall.
Ever since…I just can't get that damn boy out of my mind!
I'm not gay!
I'm not even bi!
How can I like him so much?
It's so confusing! All I want to do every time his eyes squeeze shut and his breathing becomes erratic is kiss him until the voices go away.
At least mine aren't that bad.
Mine just get bad when I feel like cutting.
So…most of the time.
But his…it's like they psychologically abuse him all the time.
Even when he's not alone and happy and-
And I don't want him to go through all that.
I want him to live a normal life.
I want him to be happy and loved and-
And to like me back.
He'll never like you back, James.
You don't know that.
But I do. Look at yourself, James. You're a wreck. You cut yourself, you slip up, you're always angry. No one in their right mind would love you. Your mother didn't and you father didn't. Why do you think he left?
No…him and mom just got in a fight and they just didn't love each other anymore. He had said that he would've taken me if he had enough money…
But he did. He already had that job in place. You heard them one night. He left you because he didn't love you.
But he did!
No he didn't. He left you in your mother's hands.
Stop it! He did love me! He still does, wherever he is!
No he doesn't! he's long gone now, and he's forgotten about you and has started a new family, with a son he could really love.
No. No!
Everyone you love leaves you, James. You only bring destruction and hatred wherever you go. Logan's only around because he ruins everything he touches. Kendall's going to leave you as soon as he gets better. He's going to-
SHUT UP!
He's not going to leave me!
And I don't love him!
You do. You fucking love him after only meeting him. And he's going to rip your heart out and take it with him once he leaves you to die.
No…
Where's my blade?
I hid it inside my laptop.
Where'd it go?
I need it.
I opened up the CD drive of it and there it was.
A piece of a knife from the cafeteria that I stole.
Idiots.
I need the blade running along my wrist, breaking skin. I need to bleed.
I ran it along my forearm, throwing my head back in the pleasure it brought.
Look at yourself, cutting to try to get rid of everything. Weakling. Failure.
I dug it deeper, gasping as the voices shut up.
No more voices.
No more pain.
No more Kendall.
Logan POV:
Carlos…my word. Whenever he really concentrates, his tongue sticks out the corner of his mouth. And it's positively adorable.
I admit it. I like him. Like, a lot. Like, crushing like, you know?
Oh my God. I sound like the Jennifer's. Or Jett. Either would do.
I looked down at my own homework. There was a ripped piece of paper peeking out from under my homework.
I took it out and looked at it. It was in Carlos' handwriting, for sure…but it was in Spanish. I suck at Spanish.
I carefully put it in my pocket, planning on translating it later, and ignored the smile Carlos produced as his tongue stuck out.
Oh my God.
He's so freaking cute!
I sound like a girl, but I could care less. I'm bi, I've admitted it. But oh my God. It's like my feminine side popped out and won't go back in.
GAH!
I felt a blush creep to my cheeks as he smiled over at me. "Well, I best being going. It's almost 9:30 and quite frankly, I want to shower. I'll see you tomorrow?"
I nodded and smiled. "See you, Carlos."
I saw him leave as I started packing up my binder. I wonder if James was already back at the dorm. He probably was, knowing him.
What I didn't expect was seeing James hovering over his desk, sobbing.
And cutting.
He hadn't cut in two weeks.
It was starting to get better.
What changed?
I called out, "James?"
I saw him freeze up and stop mid-way through a third cut.
"J-James…" I whispered, slowly going over to him. I pried the knife out of his hand, watching as he weakly reached for it.
"I need it, Logan! Please!"
"No!" I threw open the window and tossed it out. I slammed the window shut and turned back to James, who was standing and sobbing in the middle of the room.
"Why'd you do that? I need it! I need it!" His hands were clawing at his head as he collapsed to the floor.
"James, you don't need it! Come on, let's get you cleaned up." I grabbed the bandages from my night stand, which I kept for nights like this, and pushed him towards the door. He was still crying.
"J-James, calm down. It's going to be better once I clean the cuts, ok?" I whispered to him. It was about 9:45, and luckily only a few people were in the bathroom. Most were showering.
I brought James to the sink and pulled his arm under, turning the water to lukewarm. He flinched, but bit his lip and fought back the tears. After washing out the cuts, I gingerly wrapped them and wiped all traces of blood away. When we walked back to the bedroom, I sat him down on the bed and grabbed my Clorox wipes, washing the desk and the droplets of blood from his laptop. After throwing them out underneath the trash in our trashcan, I turned back to face him.
His lower lip was quivering and his eyes were wide and scared.
He had two types of slip ups.
One being where he was angry and violent, the most common.
And two, this type, where he just broke down.
I just sat beside him on the bed, pulling him into a hug and said, "Just let it all out."
He started sobbing into my shoulder, crying out about how he was going to lose everything and that he was horrible and he ruined everything he touched.
They were always like this, these types of slip ups.
Self-hatred, sadness, anger; any bad emotion! He was so used to bottling them all up, he slipped up and burst. Like now.
I just simply comforted him, knowing that no words would mend his broken soul. I've tried before. He just yelled at me and shot down all my attempts.
Luckily for me, he wore himself out quickly.
"James. Whenever you feel the need to cut, come talk to me. Yell at me, do whatever you have to. Just, you need to stop cutting."
He only nodded as he lied down on the bed.
"Promise me you'll try harder."
He looked at me with tired, lost eyes. "I can't do that."
"Yes you can!" I exclaimed, standing up. "Promise me!"
He sighed. "I'll promise to try harder."
I nodded. "Good. Now, go to sleep. You won't be feeling too well in the morning."
He nodded again, rolling over and pulling the covers up. I shut off the light since it was almost 11 and crawled into bed. The worker here would be in soon to check and see if we were asleep.
Luckily James was wearing his long sleeve shirt, so she wouldn't see the bandages.
I heard her come in a few minutes after resting, checking to see if we were both in bed before giving a kiss to our foreheads and walking out.
She was my favorite worker here.
Late 40's and treated everyone like they were her own children.
I smiled as I flung the covers off, tip toeing to my laptop and booting it up as I sat down. I quickly opened up the internet and pulled up Google Translate and going to Spanish to English mode. I typed in what Carlos wrote and clicked translate.
I may not be good at math, but I know that you plus me equals something good. So…Want to go on a date with me?
I rolled my eyes before flipping it over and writing something down in English.
That has to be the cheesiest math pickup line I have ever heard. But yeah, I'd love to go on a date with you.
I put it in my jeans pockets that I had laid out for tomorrow before changing into my pajamas and crawling into my bed.
I wonder what Carlos had in mind. I mean, there's not much here you could do for a date! But…I'm glad he asked me. I seriously feel as if I could jump for joy. Even wake James up from his sleep. But doing that would surely get me killed, so I just instead expressed my happiness through a grin on my face as I succumbed to the darkness.
A/N: LOL I know it's shorter, but this is what a normal chapter from me looks like! Cranked with angst and fluff and about 2,000 words. Most of my chapters for this story have been 3,000! So, sorry for the short chapter. BUUUT! I spent a lot of time rewriting this chapter. The other story I had already written for the rest of this was WAY too rushed for my mind and there WASN'T ENOUGH ANGST! So, I wrote this. Uh, and sorry for like avoiding all my other stories. I'm trying to overcome writers block. So, any ideas you have, then PM me! I hoped you liked it! I cannot thank you all enough for the support! So...uh...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Please, review?
