Disclaimer: this chapter of my spoof was written by my brother. He's on Froot Loops, so just forgive if you find anything offensive, rude, out of place, irrelevant, not having anything to do with sailor moon at all, or just plain stupid. He can be like that.


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(Usagi and co. are at Hikawa Shrine, studying as usual)

Ami: so... if we take the R vector to be a coefficient of x then that means the Q has to be divisible by four. Of course, if you don't subtract the value m, you will get an improper fraction.

(Usagi, Minako, Makoto, and Rei, stare at Ami in disbelief as she disconnect the cell phone she was talking on.)

Rei: So uh... who was that, Ami-chan?

Ami: Oh that was just my calculus teacher, Proffesor Mashasi. He sometimes calls me when he needs a little help with multivariable equations. He isnt that bright (at least, compared to me) but his heart is pure and his intentions are good.

Usagi: so anyway, how do you do this problem , AMi-chan?

(Rei hits Usagi over the head)

Usagi: what was that for?!?!?!?

Rei: I don't know, i just like hitting you in the head.

Luna: Don't you see?!?! How can you fools be so blind to the harsh, predictable reality that is Sailor Moon S??? It should be obvious that this Mashasi is th Death Buster's next target.

Minako: Hey guys... i gottan idea... why dont we go to see Professor Mashasi... to... help us... study...?

All: oh yes, definitely, yeah why not, etc.


(scene changes to Mashasi's lab)

Makoto: why does this guy have a laboratory? I thought he was a calculus Professor.

Mashasi: (enters, flanked by Haruka and Michiru) I'll field that one. You see, the animators are what you might call frugal. They take the background cells for Tomoe's lab and bleach them so the appear cheerier.

Makoto: okay, so what are you two doing here?

Michiru: We could ask you the same question.

Makoto: Bullshit!!! No you couldn't! You two are always where we are!!! It's nuts!!

Haruka: Our sails seem to be riding the same winds of destiny.

Makoto: What the frick are you talking about? That is the worst explanation I've ever heard! I'm outta here! (leaves through the nearest possible exit)

Ami: Hello Professor Mashasi.

Mashasi: Please, call me Mashasi.

Ami: Don't you have a first name?

Mashasi: That is my first name.

Ami: Okay... but then... oh forget it.

Usagi: So uh.. Mashasi, what do you do here in your... lab?

Mashasi: I dunno... pure... noble stuff.

Usagi: sweet!

Mamoru: (emerges from behind a piece of machinery) Hey Usako, what are you guys doing here?

Minako: The tides of our sails were blowing... or some crap like that.

Mamoru: Well, I'm conviniently Mashasi's lab asisstant and just happened to be helping him today.
(there is an akward moment of silence)

Usagi: So uh... is there something we should be doing right now?

Michiru: Not that I can think of.

Usagi: So uh... don't we need reasons to exit right about now?

(Haruka's eyes glaze over as she stares into nothingness)

Haruka: A sweet scent is being carried on the wind of unhealthiness. There is a sale at the Krispy Kreme.

Michiru: (utterly tonelessely) Let's go. I'm hungry.

Usagi: Hey I wanna go too!

Mamoru: Let them go Usako, there probably wouldn't be enough for all three of you anyway.

(cherry blossoms)

Ami: Ow I got a blossom in my eye!

Mamoru: Here, I'll get that... you know I... never noticed what beautiful eyes you have. There so.. shiny... they're almost blinding.

(Usagi does that stupid thing where her pupils disappear and here forehead turns all black and smoke comes out of her hair)


[DOO DOO DOOO DUDU DOOOO SAAALIOOR MOON SOOOPEER!!!]


Author's note: after an angry Usagi hit me over the head with a wrench i have decided not to have any form of romance between Ami and Mamoru. Geez, I was only trying to spice things up a bit. I mean, for cripes sake!


(Tomoe's Lab Tomoe is in his boxers with Eugial in a thong bikini pressing against his buff pecs)

Tomoe: What the hell?

Eugial: Oh Professor!

Tomoe: Get off of me!!! And put some clothes on for God's sake. Eugial, have you chosen the next target?

Eugial: Uh.. duh, Doctor! It's that stupid Mashasi guy!

Tomoe: Ah yes, I have prepared a Daihmon for the purpose.

(a beaker is put into the little daihmon box as "BEAKINGORINGALING" is heard. Eugial gets into her van but the little moving platform thing wont move)

Eugial: Uh... Tomoe, the thingy wont work.

Tomoe: I You're in a van aren't you?!?!? Doesn't it have wheels? Doesn't it have an engine?

Eugial: Well, yeah but I like to move while I'm buckling in. It saves time.

Tomoe: and how much time have you wasted complaining about it to me?

Eugial: I dunno, a couple of minutes.

Tomoe: (still smiling, of course) SO JUST GET MOVING!!!

(Maniacal laughter)

(Mashasi is in the school parking lot when Eugial drives in and attempts to park in a compact car space)

Eugial: steady... (scratches the door) dammit! (breaks off the mirror on the other car) crap! (Tries to open the front door but realizes that there isn't enough room) Oh for the love of- (crawls out of the back door)

Mashasi: (who for some reason hasn't left yet) who are you?

(everyone appears and transforms. Eugial shoots Mashasi with her gun)

[okay, okay this is getting a little routine. lets try something different. what would sailor moon be like with an influxuation of the WWF]

Tuxedo Mask: DOO YA SMEEELLL WHAT THE MASK IS COOKIN'!!!

Sailor moon: Tuxedo Mask? Where's your hat and mask and flowers?

Tuxedo Mask: Screw that! It's ass-kickin' time!!

[okay, that was a bad idea. maybe a Seinfeldish scenario would work better]

Tuxedo Mask: I mean whats with the flower throw anyway? Flowers are supposed to be nice not hurt people. WHat is up with that?

Jupiter: Hey, since when do you call it the flower throw? How about the flower fling?

Mars: I could see it being called the flower fling.

[ugh. i think im gonna puke. lets throw some DBZ in there]

Eugial: yes... ever since I was created in Doctor Tomoe's lab, world domination has been my goal... (camera plays across her eyes dramatically. A flashback) I was created with the cells of some of the worlds greatest fighters. I wsa raised on the sound of doctor Tomoe's voice until my ultimate transformation had been reached and i was ready to go into the world.

[okay maybe this was a bad idea period]

(Eugial removes her lab coat to reaveal her kinky outfit)

Tuxedo Mask: Why dont you dress like that, Usako?

Usagi: . . .

(Haruka and Michiru appear [as usual] and do their little speech thingy0

Eugial: BEAKERINGALINGEROO ATTACK!!!!

(the daihmon appears and attacks, shouting its name)

Haruka: this crystal isnt a talisman either [big surprise!]

(for a second nobody does anything)

Jupiter:so um.. that Daihmon sure is tough...

Mars: yeah...

(another five minutes of Silence)

Venus: Um... Now, Sailor Moon!

Moon: Oh right... Moon spiral cardiac episode!!!

BEAKERINGA-WHATEVER: LOOVELY!!!!!!

(Eugial pulls out a gun)

Eugial: That's it, I'm not letting you get away this time! you're all dead!!!

[Sailor Moon's lawyers come to remind the author that nothing logical ever happens on sailor moon so the villans aren't allowed to use any attacks that aren't magical. The gun is instantly replaced by a magic wand]

Eugial: SO long suckers!!! (She disappears)

[oh what the hell? My only chapter is almost over already so lets just have one more influx. a soap opera]

Haruka: I did it, Michiru, I slept with Usagi.

Michiru: How could you?

Haruka: Dont act all innocent! I know your secret. you're really straight!

Michiru: Oh yes its true! I've been with Mamoru for ovver a year now!!

Minako: (Gasps extremely loudly) So then who is Chibiusa's real Mother???

Neo queen serenity: I am you idiots! I think I would remember giving birth. It wasn't exactly pleasant!

Chibiusa: What do you mean mother?

Neo Queen Serenity: you were a really fat baby, okay?

(Tuxedo Mirage plays as the credits take us out)



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White Wave Dancer: (laughing hysterically) Let me just reiterate: I DID NOT WRITE THIS CHAPTER!! The next chapter will pick up where I left off, so you can all stop screaming.