Rating: R Content Warning: This chapter may include adult themes, concepts and language. Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga, etc. etc. etc., you know the spiel. Author's Note: Thanks to my Beta, RockSteady54 for all the work she's done and thanks to all my readers for continuing to support my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Beta: RockSteady54
Beta's Note: Quick note here, I just want to say so sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, it's totally my fault; Donni is wonderful though because she's so patient and didn't kick my ass, she's forgiven me so that's all that matters! Lol Enjoy!
Chapter Three – Memories
Death.
What does it truly mean to die? Someone told me once that the dead never stay dead. They told me that the spirit of the dead will come back to haunt you. I found that is true, however the living can haunt as well; making you feel small, as if you never existed at all. When you die you become dead to the world and everyone you have ever known. The seasons change and time disappears. Where does the time go? The time stays with you along with the memories made within that time. You are left with nothing but the memories of what use to be. You are haunted with the thoughts of what is to come, with the thoughts of what they will become without you.
The pain of knowing makes your insides rot and incinerates your heart to ash. The wounds never heal themselves. The internal pain never subsides. The physical pain I feel has nothing on the mental pain. To hear the screams and to see the blood tears me apart. With every moment that passes another memory is made. It's a memory you get to see but a memory without you. I never knew memories could be painful until I had to remember them and plead with my mind to look away. I watched her change because of me. The smile was gone. The light was gone. She faded along with me and because of me, she died.
So what does it mean to die? What does death mean to the world? It means nothing. The seasons change and time flies. You watch the change and you learn to deal with it. Everyone gets to heal. Everyone gets to grow; everyone except me. They all get to continue to hope. They get to wish and wonder whatever became of the person that they once loved. But I have the knowledge; the knowledge of knowing what happened to me and the guilt of knowing I took the light that existed in her world with me.
The Beginning
"Dad! Stop please," I heard Bella yell. Her voice was full of frustration. "I have decided." "We talked about this Bella. What changed?" Charlie asked. "This scholarship means everything. It's your one chance to get out of this place. I thought you wanted more than to be stuck here." Bella blew out an angry breath, "I did dad…but I can't go away to school." "Help me to understand what changed? Just a few weeks ago you needed this more than the air you breathe. We have wracked our brains for the last two months awaiting this letter. Is this about Jacob?" He asked. I did not want to be the reason she turned down the scholarship. If anything, I had been pushing her to take it. I had been pushing her to get the hell out of forks. Bella was talented. She was far more talented than I was. Even if I bared talents I would never get to do anything with them. I had the tribe and the pack to protect. I would never get out of this place but Bella could and she would. I would make sure of it. She deserved so much more than I could give her. But I could never bring myself to tell her that. She would only say, 'Jake you give me everything just by loving me.' Then she would bat her long eyelashes and just like that the world would fade. I would forget what I was saying and then everything would be perfect again even though it was never perfect. My thoughts came to a halt once I heard Bella's voice again. "Dad I love him. What part of that don't you understand?" "I get it Bella. You know that I know how much you love him. Jake is like a son to me but I am thinking about what's best for my daughter right now." "Charlie please, I don't want to talk about this." "Bella please," Charlie continued. "Please tell me why you want to turn down this scholarship? Jake would understand if you chose to leave, he has said so himself." "This is not about Jake," she yelled. I could hear the tears in her voice. "Dad I can't leave." "Why? You have worked so hard for this Bella. You have worked so hard and you deserve this, don't you get that?" Bella was silent; she was hardly the silent type so this wasn't a good sign. I knew for a fact that Bella was a great debater. She would argue and argue until she made you see that she was right. I love that about her. I loved how strong minded she was. But silence from Bella was not a good thing. "He's my husband," she said. It felt good to hear her refer to me as that. "Do you two even know what it means to be husband and wife Bella?" Charlie asked angrily "And you do?" Bella protested. "Your marriage failed so I'm not going to take advice on marriage from you." "Fine," Charlie said defeated. I felt bad that she had thrown the past in Charlie's face like that. But I had no voice in this argument. After all I was eavesdropping. I know that I should have made my presence known a long time ago but I wanted to know just as much as Charlie why Bella had a change of heart. Her mind was made up on taking that scholarship a few weeks ago. "Dad I'm sorry," Bella said in a whisper. "I'm sorry for failing you as a daughter. I'm sorry I can't do the right thing and leave. I want to take the scholarship. I want that more than anything in this world. My future has always been a priority to me but so is Jake. I can't leave him... not right now anyway." "What do you mean? Bella is there something that you want to share with me? You can tell me anything you know that right?" "I know dad. I know," she said. "Actually there is…" There was a long deathly pause; the pause was so long and frustrating that even I let out a sigh of annoyance. Bella finally spoke again, "Dad I'm pregnant." "Pregnant as in Jacob and I are having a child pregnant," Bella said. After that last sentence left her lips Charlie flew off the handle. "A baby Isabella Swan, you and Jacob are practically kids still!" Charlie yelled. "I swear I will shoot him dead. You don't have to live this life Bella. You are not obligated to go through with this." "Are you suggesting I get an abortion?" she asked mortified. "If you are, then I should just leave right now dad. I am not going to kill the precious life that Jake and I created. Maybe the timing is a little off but it was bound to happen sooner or later." "Not right now," Charlie insisted. "You were going to go away to college and be successful. You were going to get the hell out of this place and make something of yourself." "Charlie please…who says that I can't be successful in Forks? That my destiny is not to just be with Jake and have a family with him." Charlie yelled, "That's not who you are Bella!" "No dad, that is not who you want me to be. Jake is the most important person in my life right now. I don't care about anything else. You can call me young and naïve but I'm not going to give up the only real thing in my life for an opportunity that may or may not happen." "Bella you are going to waste away here. Twenty years down the road you are going to wonder what could have happened if you had left. You can still make that decision. It's not too late." "Dad if I leave, twenty years from now I will end up where I started …alone, lost, and afraid. But most importantly, I will be without the two things that are important to me; Jacob and our child." Charlie fell silent. He knew arguing with her was pointless. She had made up her mind and there was no changing it once she made the decision. I never wanted to come in-between her and her happiness but a small smile spread across my face knowing that she'd always choose me, that I was number one in her book as she was in mine. I heard Charlie speak again; he had calmed himself a lot in a short period of time. "Does Jacob know?" he asked. "What's the game plan?" "Dad this is not a football game. There are no plays or a game plan." "I know that," Charlie hissed. "Bare with me…at least I am attempting to be calm and not go down to La Push and murder Billy's boy. That would put a real strain on our friendship." I heard a light chuckle from Bella that ended shortly after, "No but I'm going to tell him soon." I stood there on the front porch completely dumbfounded after taking in all the information I had just overheard. The weight of the world was now on my shoulders. Bella was pregnant. I wanted to run inside and cradle her in my arms. I was going to be a father. Daddy Jacob; I loved the sound of that. Maybe it would be a boy or maybe a girl; she would be my little angel. I would protect her. She would be bright eyed and smell of cherry blossoms like Bella. I'd kill any guy who came close to her. I would hug her every second of everyday. I hoped it was a girl; a beautiful baby girl. But then the reality of it all hit me leaving a huge knot in my throat. It was worse than eating Leah's cooking. Bella was pregnant. There would be no scholarship, she would not leave forks. Her future was changing right before my eyes. Suddenly I felt as if time had frozen. Her life had frozen right before me. Everything turned grey. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I was fucking up her life, because of me she was going give up everything she wanted and worked so hard for. I raised my hand hesitantly and knocked on the screen door. Everything got really quiet inside and I heard Bella whisper, "We will talk later." I swallowed back the lump and took a deep breath. She appeared in the doorway with a strained smile on her face. She looked as if she would break down at any minute. I smiled lightly keeping my emotions under wraps. I didn't want her to know I heard the conversation that had taken place. She would talk to me about it when the time was right. Bella opened the door and closed the distance between us by wrapping her arms around my neck. She squeezed tightly as I pulled her from the doorway, hoisting her up in my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and buried her face in the crook of my neck. Bella moaned slightly and gripped tighter onto me, making me chuckle. "Jake?" she asked. My stomach muscles tightened at the thought of what she would say next," Yeah babe?" "You smell so good." I smiled as her body slid down from mine. Bella pushed her loose strands of hair from her face and smiled warmly at me. My eyes shifted to what she was wearing; to any normal person all she was wearing was jeans and a tee shirt but to me she was wearing clothes that almost looked painted onto her beautiful curves. Her jeans were low rise but not too low to expose anything except her midriff and a small section of skin from her lower back. She wore a tan striped shirt with buttons leaving two buttons opened at the top to expose her breasts enough that showed they were voluptuous and perfect. Normally I was able to control my thoughts of how sexy she was but not today. She was literally glowing. Bella grabbed my hand and led me towards the steps leading back to the driveway. I watched her sexy walk admiring the two dimples at her lower back. God she was such a turn on. It did not matter what she was doing because everything she did was just sexy. I paused for a moment and watched her straddle my bike. "You know sometimes I think you are made to straddle things," I said as I smirked at her. "Not everything," she chimed. "But I do love to straddle things from time to time." I laughed making my way over to help her with her helmet. "So what did you do today?" she asked. "Avoided Billy by going to the gym and working up a sweat; I have been there all morning." Bella smiled, "Mmm you and a gym. That sounds…" "Are you being a pervert right now?" I mused. "I kind of like it," we both laughed as Bella swatted my arm playfully. I got on the bike as Bella wrapped her arms around my waist. It was not at all distracting until I felt her hands moving lower playing with the zipper of my pants. I sighed, sucking in a deep breath and steadied myself. "You know Jake, I really love you," she whispered leaning her head against my back. I smiled, "I really, really, really love you too Mrs. Black. Hold on okay?" ".…as if my life depends on it," she squeezed her arms around my waist tighter. The ride to La Push was quick. Bella was relaxed as she gripped my body firmly. She was very quiet. It did not bother me though because I knew why. When we reached our house I helped her off the bike as she removed the helmet. She shook her brunette locks until her hair was back to normal framing her face. Wrapping my arms around her I pulled her to me quickly and peppered kisses on the outline of her jaw. "Jake," she whined. "Jacob," she moaned slightly closing her eyes as I brought my lips to skim her neck, sucking and nipping while biting her soft skin between my teeth. My hands roamed freely down her sides and rested at the back of her thighs, forcing her up as her body leaned against my bike. My lips found hers with such intensity and so much passion that my entire being nearly shook. My head was spinning from so much heat that it was making me weak. I gripped tighter onto her waist, pulling her closer to me. "Oh Jake," she said breathlessly. "We um…stop, have to stop... shit." Her sentences were anything but coherent. I didn't want to stop and neither did she. I pulled away slightly. Her legs were still wrapped around my waist as she panted uncontrollably while trying to catch her breath. I stared at her for a long moment as she smiled pressing herself to me again. "Will you two get a room," I heard a voice from behind me say. I sighed and turned slightly to see Sam. He waved and continued his stride. At that moment a light bulb went off in my head. "Hey Sam we need to talk," I yelled in his direction. "Sure thing Jake what's up?" I stepped away from Bella, "I'll come by later. Now is not a good time." He nodded as he turned away to walk back into the forest. And with that I turned back to Bella and picked her up and made my way over to the front porch. Bella smiled sweetly at me, "Why were you avoiding Billy?" she asked. "Oh um, he's been really weird these days. It's like I don't know who the hell he is anymore. He's been obsessing over what he calls 'dark magic'." "Dark magic?" she asked. I turned the keys to the door opening it and stepped through the doorway. "Yeah, dark magic," I shrugged. "Should I be worried?" Bella asked. "I mean Billy is always you know…Billy." "Yeah well, he keeps saying that we need to talk. I'm not sure that I know what it is about but he's been freaking me out lately...always talking in riddles and um…he's been going out." "Going out?" Her brows furrowed in confusion. "Yeah, as in going out; I don't know where or even who is taking him out but he has definitely been creeping out." Bella smiled, "Maybe Billy is seeing someone?" "I don't know Bells. If he were seeing someone he'd be like me every time I have sex with you...all goofy happy and what not." She chuckled, "Well I am sure Billy is fine." I made my way up the stairs quickly and down the hallway until we were in our room, closing and locking the door behind us. I placed Bella on the bed. "So what is this dark magic you're talking about exactly?" she asked. I turned to her slightly as I removed my shirt, "Don't know…I will talk to Sam about it later. All I know is that right now my sexy wife is in my bed and all I want to do is make love to her." Bella blushed, "I have a surprise." I smiled and made my way over to her, "What?" She positioned herself on her knees and turned so that her back was facing me, "Bells honey that's not much of a surprise since I've seen you in that position quite a few times but it is such a turn on," I said as I gripped her waist pulling her back towards me. Bella unbuttoned her pants and slide them down. There was a tattoo above her ass on the right side. I smiled as I traced the outline of it, it read 'Jacob' and engraved under my name on her skin was the date 08/20/03, the day we married along with a Quileute tribal design around it. "So what do you think?" she asked gazing back at me through her long thick lashes. In one swift motion Bella was on her back. She laughed, "I guess you like it." "I love it," I corrected. My lips captured hers as I nipped and sucked on her bottom lip just the way she liked. Our tongues intertwined as she lifted her hands to my hair, moaning into my mouth. I could smell what I was doing to her. It was the most beautiful scent in the world. I pulled away slightly leaving her breathless as I ripped her clothes off quickly. I was sure her wardrobe was suffering because of me but we both were pretty hands on and anything but patient. I assaulted her body running my tongue languidly all over her beautiful milky flesh; loving her entire being with it. Bella moaned loudly as I got closer to where she wanted me. My own arousal was getting the best of me but I needed to pleasure her first. I needed to taste her. "Oh my god," she moaned. "Please..." "Please what?" I whispered against her delicate flushed skin. "Please just make love to me," she said in an inpatient voice. "I want you inside of me. All of you." God she was just so beautiful, so right for me; all mine. I moved up to kiss her soft, plump, pink lips again. That was when I heard it; the same voice that had been stealing the calmness of my nights, leaving me to awake panting and afraid. I paused while I quickly lifted my head, gazing around the room. There was a little girl in the corner of the bedroom. I blinked my eyes a few times to be sure that this was not some random hallucination. The child had no face. Then the screams abruptly started. They were inhumane deathly screams that were making it hard for me to breathe; I closed my eyes tightly and gripped tighter onto Bella wrapping my arms around her waist as I rested my head on her stomach. My insides were rattled as I buried my face into her. Bella gripped tighter onto me. I could hear her voice softly but the violent and relentless fear was radiating over her voice; the disturbing screams from the child that appeared in the room disappeared as quickly as they came. The girl had vanished but the fear within me had not. I was gripping onto the sanity in this room for my dear life. I was afraid to let her go. I was afraid to come up for air let alone open my eyes. "Jake," Bella said worried. "Jake, sweetie; open your eyes," She whispered as she smoothed her hands over my hair. I pulled away from her slightly and opened my eyes. Bella was staring down at me with tear filled eyes. My heart fluttered in an unpleasant manner as she lifted my face and kissed me sweetly. "Babe what's wrong?" she asked panicked. "And don't say 'nothing'. Talk to me Jake." "I can't." "You can talk to me about anything. This is what I am here for. Did you hear yourself Jacob? You were screaming and begging for me to make it stop. What do you want me to make stop Jake?" "Nothing," I lied. I got up from the bed and grabbed a towel. "Okay fine. Go and run to Sam about it," she said rolling her eyes. "Bella it's not like that," I pleaded. "Yeah sure, all that I know is that my husband would rather talk to Sam instead of me. So just go because we both know that's what you're going to do." I walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower. After about 10 minutes I came back into the room and found Bella asleep. I walked downstairs and out to the front porch. There was no way I would talk to Sam about this. The only person who would believe me was my dad. A few hours passed until finally Billy had come home. I sat in the living room with my head in my hands as I heard the front door open and close. Gazing up I saw it was my dad; he was staring at me emotionless. "I take it you are ready to talk now," he said. "Yeah," I sighed. "Son, I don't know how to tell you this..." "Just tell me whether or not you know what is going on with me." "It's not just you Jacob. It's all of us. Every one of us is doomed." "The pack?" I asked confused. "The tribe?" "No Jacob. The Black's; think about it Jacob. No one in this family has a life that they want. Look at Rebecca, Rachel, and look at me. Jacob, the things in life that we cannot change are not due to our faults nor do we have any control over them. It's all due to Ephraim Black." "Dad what are you talking about?" I asked "I don't have time for you to get all insane on me with bullshit." "Is that what you think?" He raised his voice. "That I am just an insane, always talking nonsense, miserable old man in a wheelchair? Jacob, this family is cursed and don't think for a second that the curse has skipped you. You are fading away Jacob and once you fade you are never coming back. I've tried everything that I could." The tears were streaming down his face now. "I tried to find a witch who could undo what was done but it's been impossible." "Dad have you been drinking?" I was beginning to think he really was a crazy old man. My dad came closer and handed me a small tattered brown leather book. It was my great great-grandfather's journal. "Everything that you need to know is in there."
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
You have one new voicemail.
"Hey Jake it's me Bella. It's been a week and I haven't heard from you since the day you unexpectedly left, I am literally going insane. Baby, please call me back…I'm really worried. I love you Jake."
Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
You have one new voicemail.
"Jacob Ephraim Black! I will see you at five o'clock this evening. You had better be home this time or we are done, I'm not playing around!"
I was in the garage when Bella arrived home. Neglecting her was a wrong thing to do but I could not make up my mind on what decision I would make. Reading that journal took a lot of time and I was really in a bad place now. Being away from Bella was hard but I could not let her see me like this. The voices in my head had worsened but the nights were even more horrible and to the point of unbearable now. Bella still had not told me she was pregnant but I had a feeling she was going to today.
"Jake we need to talk," she stated.
I looked up from the hood of the car and smiled at her. I was not sure how much longer I could avoid the conversation. It's been a few days since I overheard the conversation between Bella and Charlie. It's been two weeks since Billy spoke of the curse. Keeping up this act is hard. It's hard to tune out the screams in my head and pretend to be normal. I started to see things a few weeks ago. At first it was small things in my dreams but lately my dreams have been with me when awake. My plan was to tell her and to enjoy the little time we had left but I could not do that now. I could not do that knowing that she was pregnant and planned to keep the baby.
I wanted her to keep it but that would be selfish of me. It would be selfish because she got the scholarship to attend UCLA. It was all she ever talked about in the past year. The long distance would be hard but there was never going to be another Bella in my life. She is my imprint and we would have managed somehow. But that was before the circumstances changed. I could not leave her to raise our child on her own. My decision to talk to her about this had changed. This was something I could not discuss with Bella. Knowing her, she would try to find the good in this but there was none.
My plan changed drastically. She could not keep this baby. She had to go and be happy without me. There was only one way to force her to that.
I wiped my hands on a moist towel and stood up straight. Bella stood there fidgeting with her fingers as she stared at the floor. She was nervous. She had every reason to be with the reaction I was going to force to give her. I did not want to break her heart but I had no choice. Over time a broken heart will mend; she's living proof of that. She did it once, she could do it again. I had more faith than I probably should have.
"Bells," I said caressing her face with my hands. "Talk to me."
She smiled warmly, "I have something important to tell you."
"Which is?" I asked pulling away.
"Well, um…Jake I-I'm…pregnant," she stammered.
I sighed; using all of my might to keep my guard up. I really wanted to take her into my arms and kiss her over and over again. But I knew that was the last thing I was going to do. I walked away from her and headed towards the mini refrigerator to grab a drink.
"So what do you want to do today?" I deflected the conversation.
I could feel her eyes burning a hole through my back as I turned around to face her. Her stare was cold and hard as she placed her hands in the pockets of her hoodie.
"So that's it?" she asked sternly. "I tell you that I am pregnant and then you just change the subject like it means nothing?"
"Well what do you want me to say Bells?" I asked in an unsympathetic tone.
"Something….anything, I just told you that we are having a child for Christ sakes!"
"I can't because I don't want to hurt you," I shrugged as I took a drink from the soda I had opened.
She walked closer to me, "Why would you be hurting me?"
"I don't want it," I said bluntly.
"It…what; y-you don't want it?" she asked confused, the tears started to pool in her eyes. "It's a baby Jake not a thing and what do you mean you don't want it?" Bella began to raise her voice.
I walked away from her and towards the door to exit the garage. She hated when I ignored her and walked away. I knew that so that's was why I did it. It would make the argument bigger.
"Jacob Black," she yelled chasing behind me. "Where are you going?"
"Home; are you coming?" I asked as if nothing life altering was occurring here.
Bella grabbed my arm until I turned to face her, "You don't want this baby?" she asked again with tears flowing down her beautiful face.
I want it Bella. God I love this baby already. That was what I wanted to tell her but I could not do it. I was going to die. Not completely but my life on this god forsaken earth was coming to an end. I kept that to myself when I found out. I made Billy promise to keep it to himself. It would be easier for everyone if I just ran off. At least they could hope that one day I would return.
"I don't want it," I stated again.
"So…you wanted to have sex without condoms but you don't want the consequences or responsibility of that? We ran off and got married Jacob, I am your wife," she said flashing her ring. "You knew this was bound to happen, we always planned on having a family. What's wrong with you? You disappear for two fucking weeks then you come back acting like an asshole?"
"I don't want that day to be anytime this year or next year Bella. I don't want a kid," I said storming off.
Of course she followed me. Maybe she knew I was lying. Bella followed me up the hill and onto the porch.
I picked up my pace but I knew she was right behind me.
"Jacob," she yelled.
I made my way towards the steps as the door slammed and echoed throughout the entire house.
"Don't walk away from this or me Jacob!" she yelled.
I could hear the anger and fear in her voice. My heart was shredding into a millions pieces. I could feel it in my chest. I was close. So close to fading from her life and leaving everyone behind. I hated to leave her wondering if I ever loved her or even cared but that was the only way to make her see that an abortion would help fix her life. I didn't want to leave her but this was not my choice and staying here to raise a baby was not an option for me, it was an option that wasn't given to me.
I felt her hand on my arm again. I stopped and slowly turned to face her. The tears streaming down her cheeks made me want to fall to my knees and tell her just how sorry I was. God I was so sorry for fucking up her life, for breaking her heart, for existing. I sighed and tried not to meet her gaze too much; knowing I would crack under it.
"Bella I'm not ready," I lied.
That was a lie, such a fucking lie. I didn't want any of this shit that I had been cursed with. All I wanted was her and the life we created growing inside of her.
I could see the spirits filling the room. I was losing my damn mind. They were everywhere, calling my name. I tried not to look terrified but I was. My life was leading me straight to hell. I was sure of it. I closed my eyes tightly hoping the spirits would fade but I knew they wouldn't.
I left Bella alone and broken.
They were waiting for me. They were going to haunt me until I took my last breath and they did.
Taking my last breath was easy. But living in the shadows afterwards was the most difficult. It's harder than you could ever imagine. I wish it would have been easy for me to not care and ignore the fact that I was able to watch every moment of their life. But I could not; my thoughts of Bella still haunted me in the afterlife, if that is what you would call this place.
The place on the border line of life and death; it's dark and cold. But the worst part is that I got to watch. I got to watch her entire life play out. No one could see me but I was there. Every day I was there watching helplessly as Bella suffered.
She didn't get an abortion like I had hoped so that she could have had an easier life. Even Charlie wasn't able to talk her into it. She spent her days locked in her room almost comatose; staring into nothingness. Bella got rid of anything connected to the outside world and pushed away all our friends. She never shed a single tear though.
When I was able to bear it, I would sit and watch her for hours. I was only a spirit though. She could not see me. But every now and then she would look in my direction. Maybe she could feel my presence but in that same instance she would look away and keep her lethargic demeanor.
Every day was a reminder of the life growing inside of her as her belly grew beautifully round. Bella did speak to the baby all the time but never about me. I guess that was something I shouldn't have expected to be different. All of the pictures of us were gone; her room was nearly empty.
I felt defeated every time I visited her. I should have told her. I would have if I had known that she was going to choose this life. I regretted the decision I had made not to be honest with her. She turned down her scholarship and the chance of getting out of this place. Bella did that selflessly for our child; the beautiful baby that I would never know. The baby I would be forced to see grow up without their father.
Bella was the most beautiful creature I had ever set my eyes on, even more so when her belly swelled as she carried my child.
Charlie finally convinced Bella to find out the sex of the baby during her sixth month; it was a girl. Then soon after Bella picked out a name for our baby, she named her Jade Emilia Black.
I loved the name she chose for our child; it was nearly identical to mine. Now I was convinced that Bella did think of me often even though she never uttered my name; neither did anyone else.
I guess that was the only way to avoid the painful memories of me, to remove the pain I caused; act as if I never existed at all. Every one of my pack brothers didn't mention me nor did my own dad. I notice no one called Bella 'Bells' anymore. That made me angry but I had no right to be. There was not a damn thing I could do about that now.
Bella didn't want anything to do with the baby shower the pack tried throwing for her in the last month of her pregnancy.
The night she went into labor with Jade, I was there. I watched as Bella tried not to panic and keep her calm and she scurried around the house to find her things. She was always trying to be independent. If I was human I could have helped her even though I was sure she would refuse my help in doing the little things.
She called Charlie who had a huge grin on his face when he arrived to the house to take her to the hospital. Over time he had warmed up to the idea of Bella being a mother and he a granddad. Jade was already his little princess.
Sam, Emily, and the entire pack were present at the hospital. My dad was there as well. I was happy that they were there for her. Leah never left Bella's side. Bella wanted her in the delivery room and Leah held the video camera and got the whole birth on tape.
Bella bitched about everything and cried a lot; not once though did she ever speak about me or even mention my name.
I watched in awe as Bella went through the labor and delivery process.
Jade was stunningly gorgeous like her mother. Every sweat and tear Bella shed was worth the gift presented at the end when the doctor placed Jade in Bella's arms.
I stood over them but no one was able to see me. Bella cradled Jade in her arms gazing into our precious daughter's eyes as she wept tears of joy; everyone was present in the room with them once the baby was delivered.
Charlie had phoned Renée soon after; Bella and Renée had not spoken much. She thought Bella had ruined her own life by having a child.
The tears formed in my eyes as I watched Bella kiss Jade gently on her nose. I wanted to do that. I needed to kiss her too.
This was the worst part of the curse of the spirit wolf. I get to watch everything and I get to feel everything.
Just as I was turning to leave, baby Jade opened her eyes slightly; whether it was just reflexes to get her eyes adjusted to the light in the room, she seemed to be staring directly at me. Could she see me? I leaned in to kiss her knowing that I would not feel it and neither would she but to my surprise I did. I felt the soft skin of her warm delicate cheek on my lips.
I smiled sadly. "I love you," I whispered. "But you know that don't you?"
She closed her eyes again after I spoke. Bella looked up and even though she would never know she was staring into my eyes. She could feel me here I knew it. She was my imprint. I knew she could feel my presence.
She sighed and turned away and began talking to Leah. Leah took the baby in her arms and cradled her; forming her own bond with my daughter.
Bella rolled over onto her side and curled up into a ball. I saw the tears form but this time they were out of sorrow. Finally she had begun to cry. I could not bear witness to the anguish I caused in her. I headed back to the shadow realm. That place had become my reality.
My old life was merely a dream.
