Hello,
As planned I'm posting Chapter 4,
Thank you for all the support I got from you in every message. That was an awesome feeling. I spent my last weekend on reading old chapters and reviews and it was so nice.
Please continue to share your thoughts in Reviews or PM section, let me know what you think of the story so far etc. every word is very much appreciated.

This chapter is made of two older chapters but I think they're better as one.
Next chapter will be posted on Friday or next Tuesday,

and now on with the chapter :)
~M


Chapter 4

Anastasia's POV

I closed the door of the room and pressed hands to my head. It was harder than I first assumed. I tried breathing to calm down, but it didn't help, so I lay on the bed and let the tension go. I could be strong enough to handle one man. I knew I was. So, I stood up and put the mask back on. I saw in the mirror that I was a shadow of the person I used to be, but I knew it was too late to go back to the place I was before. Several years too late. I thought about coming home and Mick, I wish I wasn't alone.

As I expected, nobody noticed I was gone, except for Grey. His eyes were focused on me and I was doing everything in my power not to pay attention to him. I talked to his sister Mia and we played together with little Ava.

"How long you've been with Ethan? I almost couldn't believe when Kate broke the news."

"A year and a half, but it doesn't feel that way."Mia was very cheerful person and she managed to light me up a bit. She had no idea how much talking to her helped me. It was surreal that she was Grey's sister. Still, I couldn't believe that Elliot was his brother. She was happy to have family at home and that made the trip worthwhile. Ava wanted her and me here, and that was all that mattered.

I wasn't supposed to have any link to him, but taking into account my relationship with Kate, he knew he could do nothing about it. I couldn't come to the wedding so the fun of seeing him missed me. I remembered Kate being mad at first, but I was really in a bad shape and I didn't want to ruin her ceremony by my helpless mood. If I saw him a year ago, that would be even harder than it was today.

I found out a bit about Christian's family and they were really amazing people, they were kind, polite and they knew how important it was to stay together. Their bond seemed strong, on the first page. Yet, I knew a bit more about a certain Grey than the rest of the family and I thought that that was one of the reasons he was keeping an eye on me. I knew that he would ruin me if I exposed him publicly. It was something that would never cross my mind, because I was never that sort of a person, but I knew that telling his family would be worse, because trust isn't something you can easily replace. I always considered trust as something extraordinary. It takes years to build but second to lose. I was doing everything to enjoy myself and I put on my best behaviour. I looked confident and I felt it to some extent.

Right after dinner everyone went mad about hugging and cuddling Ava. I stepped aside. I had my time, now it was family's turn. I knew Christian was watching me slowly, so I made way out to the patio. As I expected, he followed me outside. I knew I could handle him. I wasn't the same person anymore.

"Didn't have a chance to say a proper hello" He started in his normal tone. I was doing everything in my power to remain cold. I knew I could do this.

"Hello Mr. Grey" I said in emotionless voice. I had no idea what he wanted from me. I certainly wanted nothing from him, except maybe for leaving me alone.

"I'm surprised to see you here. You weren't at the wedding." I knew that very well. However, from what I've heard, the wedding was really nice and small.

"I know, but Kate's my friend. It isn't bad that I come to see her from time to time. Besides, I promised I would come." He had to suck it up.

"Next time, I'd like to be informed first." I shook my head slowly. He wasn't going to stalk me, was he? It wasn't his business what I was doing with his brother's family. They had no idea about anything important and I wasn't planning to change that.

"I see no reason to inform you. I have no business in contacting you anyway. It's you who approached me today." I weighed every word and did everything in my power not to sound venomous. It was more than he deserved from me. I saw his attitude changing.

"You're right Anastasia. I wanted to check if you're ok. You look… different."

"Well, that's about time and thank you for noticing.I dare say you look very much the same" I hissed, unable to resist, but quickly I remembered to control myself. "Look Mr Grey, if you don't mind, just leave me alone. It's what you're best at." I left the apartment because I knew it wasn't a good idea to stay there with the rest of the people.

I was outside when I heard Ethan shouting behind me.

"Ana, wait!" I stopped and looked at Kate's brother. He was similar to her in terms of appearance, but his personality couldn't be more different. He was Kate's more sensible version and a bit less intrusive. I kept in touch with him after I moved out because he was one of the very few people I trusted, and I knew I could always talk to him without being judged.

"Ethan, go back. Mia will be worried." I knew I needed time to be with myself and I wasn't sure if Kavanagh's company was a good idea.

"She won't notice." He winked at me. "She's busy with Ava." I knew she couldn't get enough of her. She was her godmother after all.

"Okay, if you say so, but I'm not in a talkative mood" He nodded and just walked beside me.

"You don't need to be. I could use quiet walk as well."
Ethan knew me too well. He knew I needed to be back in control. He knew what happened. Not names but the general information. I treated him as my psychologist. I wasn't technically his patient, but I knew he wouldn't tell anyone that sort of information. My secret was safe with him.

"You know… Actually, I know I feel better. There are some issues I'm still working on, but it isn't as bad as it was before." The last months were good. I felt like I was slowly going back to life. Not the way as before though. I knew I would be different, but I accepted what happened and I knew that I couldn't get what I originally wanted. So, I got what I deserved.

"I'm really glad to hear it, but I know how deeply that rejection hurt you. You know that you can call me whenever you need right?"

"I do, thanks." We returned home, and I saw that everyone was relaxed and talked to each other. I talked for a second with Kate's mom and Dad. I treated them as my second parents.

Diane Kavanagh was a kind person and she was always very supportive of me.
"You need to come more often. We miss you kid" Kate's Dad said. I promised them I would come around Thanksgiving because I was planning to finally go to Ray. If they wanted I could visit the Kavanaghs as well.

It was past ten when everyone left. I helped Kate with the kitchen and Elliot went to check on Ava. I was exhausted, and I was returning home soon. I regretted not spending more time with them, but I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to spend more time with the Greys than absolute minimum. Christian made it harder than I expected. I liked Grace and Carrick very much and the Trevelyans but I chose to be outside. Diane told them that I was cute but a bit too shy and not to get me wrong. I was embarrassed at first, but they changed attitude toward me. They accepted it and became more patient. Grace was an amazing woman. It was clearly visible how much she cared about her family.

"See? It wasn't that bad. You survived it. Congrats to brave Ana" I heard Kate's voice. I sighed not sure how to respond to that.

"Kate… I liked it, thank you for inviting me." That was the best answer I could think of. I didn't want to seem ungrateful or anything like that.

"Always. I wish I could drag you here more often." I laughed at that. I knew she missed me "Didn't you think of coming back?" I shook my head. There was no way to go back to Seattle, not yet anyway.

"I have a life there and I don't want to start over again. You understand me, right?"

"Well, my brother couldn't stop looking at you." I heard Elliot's voice behind me and I didn't like the message. They've known we tried dating a few times, but it didn't work out. I liked Elliot, but that comment made me feel very uncomfortable. I didn't want Christian looking at me at all.

"He was looking at the wrong girl."

"Ana, don't be that harsh. I know you two had some past encounters, but he seems to really like you." I only shook my head in disbelief and turned to my room.


Christian's POV

I hated family dinners, but Mom insisted that we had to spend time as family and there was no point in arguing. I had to come to celebrate Ava's birthday. Everyone was truly surprised at the news of Kate being pregnant, but even more when they announced their engagement when Ava was born.

Elliot changed. He was still playful easy-going guy, but I felt like he's become more responsible and sympathetic. I was genuinely happy for my big brother as was the rest of the family. They were all besotted with the kid and I couldn't understand it. I wasn't kids' fan. I thought Ava was nice but nothing else.

I had a busy day, so I was the last one to arrive to Elliot's.

"Almost thought you wouldn't appear. Hey" We shook hands and I entered the house.

"I wouldn't miss it. Just had a busy day" I saw my brother's happy grin and I smiled myself. We reached the main room greeted my parents and everyone else and that was when I saw her.

To put it bluntly, I was horrified. I knew it was Anastasia, but I barely recognised her. I felt like I was looking at stranger. She was nothing I remembered. She was dressed casually in a modest long grey dress, but she was much thinner. She had long hair taken into a ponytail, but it was her eyes that haunted me most.

There was no spark, and when she looked directly at me… it's been a while when I saw pure hatred and that stopped me from making any move. She left the room for fifteen minutes and she was acting like I wasn't there. I saw her talking to my sister and my mom. They liked her and I heard it was a pleasant talk. I never wanted them to meet Anastasia. She shouldn't be there. I saw her standing up and I followed her to talk to her but all I got was less than a minute and she left the apartment. She was right, I couldn't control the connection she had with Kate and I hated that. I never liked if some things were out of control and I felt helpless. On the other hand, I knew Anastasia hasn't talked to them about me, because some of us would be invited on a different day. Kate wouldn't allow me to get close to her best friend. And one more thing, I've never seen her so distant. It wasn't the person I knew. That look in her eyes…

"Look, if you don't mind, just leave me alone. It's what you're best at." I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's been a while since I left Anastasia and I thought it was for the best. I knew she cared and I warned her, but it was all for nothing. I couldn't give her what she wanted. She deserved better. I told her in the beginning that I wasn't interested in relationship and she chose to ignore the fact. I thought that if I leave her, that would be good to both of us.

For me it wasn't.

"Great you came and did without special invitation." Elliot brought me back to him.

"Mom called me several times to make sure I wasn't running away." I admitted honestly to my brother. He shook his head in disbelief.

"Fuck, and I thought you've grown up." I punched him to stop joking. I wasn't really a family guy and I knew it was never going to change.

"Unfortunately, no. But, it turned out to be nice. Thanks Kate for not throwing a huge party."

"She was close to that, but I reminded her that it was Ava's family day not Kate's party. That was the only thing that made her stop a bit." I knew that Kate had that in common with Mia, they both loved parties and they were unstoppable when they set their mind on something.

"Good for that. If it was bigger, I would have to skip it." I joked. I knew I would come anyway but I wouldn't enjoy it at all.

"Funny, Ana said exactly the same." I looked at him immediately.

"Yeah, I didn't expect her to show up. She wasn't at the wedding and Kate wasn't saying much about her lately." I tried to get as much information about her as I could, and I knew my brother wouldn't keep anything from me.

"Yeah, Ana's having a bad time lately. By saying that I mean, since she moved out. We've been to see her several times and… Well, she isn't acting like herself. I see she's trying but she can't fool Kate." He told me more about her and I knew I needed to get an update on her. The last time I was that interested about her was before the wedding that she didn't attend in the end.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Kate probably feels bad about it."

"Yep, and whenever she's asking her what's going on, Ana is cutting off. So, we eventually stopped asking." I felt like I knew what made her this way. I knew it was my fault, but I had no other choice.

I returned home and felt suddenly cold. I was sitting in my study looking at Anastasia's file. It's been so long, since I last saw her, and I couldn't get her out of my head. I haven't really paid much attention to what happened to her when I terminated the contract. She was gone off my life and that was the only thing that was important. She wasn't trying to reach me in any way. She disappeared from my life, I was hoping that for good. For the first five months or so… But whenever I looked at any submissive I knew it wasn't her. Ana was different from every other woman I've met. She was challenging, kind and innocent. I remembered our time together very well. We'd been together for more than a year, so it wasn't just a single episode. I knew she was worth of my time. She was so eager to learn, and I took great pleasure in training her. But one day I realised that she wasn't acting like herself. She became just like any other and that didn't bother me because I thought she was okay. She was hardly ever complaining about anything. I called Welch to get more details about her.

I read that she's been working in the same company for two years. She was a linguist and she was working as a translator and interpreter in Spanish and French. I was proud of her capabilities, I've always known she was very ambitious and hard-working person and felt happy for her achievements. I found out she was doing very well in there and had a good reputation.
She had a new life and I had no right to disturb her world. I did enough.

I went back to the moment when I first met her, and I glanced at the photo in the file. That person was gone. I checked some less outdated information and compared two women. My Anastasia was still a child open to new experiences, the other one was, the one broken, was just tired…


Anastasia's POV

Return flight was the second-best event of this weekend. I was going back to my comfort zone where no one interrupted my life, and everything was under control.

"I promised I'd take you home." I was greeted by Mick. I smiled at him with gratitude. I knew I was safe again and that he would be there for me.

"Thanks Mick. You have no idea how happy I am to be back." He took my bag and led me to the car. It was late, and I had to go to work in the morning, so I offered him to stay for the night. I didn't live on the outskirts in comparison to him. He was really important to me.

"I thought you'd rather be on your own. Don't worry about me. If you like we can meet tomorrow in our Monday café. That was how I met him for the first time and from time to time we were going to have coffee together to one place two blocks from my work.

"I'd really like you to stay. Please…" I didn't feel like staying alone. I needed to feel safe with myself. "and coffee sounds nice anyway." We entered my apartment and I knew I needed to do big shopping soon because my frige and emergency locker were almost empty. I always had some pasta, rice and sauces in cans packed in case I was too lazy to do the shopping. It worked well especially if I had unexpected visitors or simply didn't have time.

Although I've lived here for year and a half the apartment looked like nobody occupied it. There weren't many of personal markers that would show that I consider this place a home. I had little of personal belongings and I didn't feel like I wanted to clutter much space. I made the bed and went back to unpacking. When I finished, I found Mick waiting with hot chocolate. He knew me well enough to say I wasn't in best shape, so he did what he thought would be nice.

"You're spoiling me. Who are you and what you've done to the man I know?"

"You know I can drink two, so don't complain." I pouted but took my mug. He called me to my bedroom and he covered me with my blanket. It felt so cosy I could almost fall asleep, but I needed to pass the interrogation first. He knew I was upset about going to Seattle, but I didn't tell him why I wasn't ecstatic about it. I knew I should always be honest with him if I wanted to make it work.

"How was Seattle?" He started innocently.

"It was fine. The dinner was quiet and small, Ava was on her best behaviour and I like Kate's family." I said smiling at those memories. Diane saying she missed me, kiss for 'Auntie Ana' from Ava, even some of Elliot's jokes were quite ok. It was almost perfect time.

"Glad to hear it, so I take your fear was unnecessary?" I couldn't say that because that would be a lie and I couldn't lie.

"It wasn't. There were some people, I wasn't particularly fond of, but I handled him better than I expected." That was when I realised that I almost slipped his name. I started babbling about the dinner and my girl time with Kate, but he didn't seem to pay much attention to that.

"Who did you handle well?" I knew it. I was screwed.

"I saw my ex and we talked, the ex" I specified.

"And you knew he'd be there?" I nodded. It was rather obvious that he'd come to his brother. "So, you just decided to keep that information to yourself?" Mick didn't know the details, but he knew that it was the reason I moved, that after that I had problems with knives and vast range of sharp objects. I could be very creative just to get it done. I hadn't done it for a very long time, just after I found Josh. He made me stop and I was going to be grateful for taking me out of total insanity.

"I was planning on telling you… just not today." The only thing Mick knew, was that I moved after a bad break up with my first, but it was all I wanted him to know, but I knew that I couldn't lie and lie meant one thing.

"I told you not to keep things from me, especially important ones." I didn't like being scolded but I knew I deserved it. To be honest I felt like I deserved more than just a lecture. I told him about the situation and that I felt guilty that I didn't take it as well as I should.

"I'm sorry. I should've told you that that was the reason." And I meant it. He pulled me closer, but I knew he didn't like the fact I chose to keep him out.

"I'm sorry that you've had unpleasant time with friends, but you know what's happening if you're hiding things from me." I knew, too well and I was ready for it. I mustn't tell lies not to him, but more important not to myself.

"I do, you deserved to know, and I deserve to be punished." I wanted that done and over. I never argued about punishments. They weren't for nothing. I took of the blanket and waited for him to say what he wanted. I was trapped in my shell again and I needed to leave that shell. At first, he came to me and held me until I let the tension go.

"Bend over" I took off my clothes and obeyed. It wasn't bad, I knew that after it was done I'd feel better.

"You know I didn't want to do this. I think twelve is enough." I wasn't in a position to say anything just waited for the blows. The first were only a warm-up they didn't count. When the first came I tensed but one touch told me to let go. Every strike hurt, and I didn't want to protest, I was getting what I deserved. Near the end, I felt it wasn't enough, but I also felt a glimpse of pleasure that I shouldn't be feeling at the time. The last hits were stronger, so I knew it was almost done. I was doing everything not to burst in tears. I knew it was just for what I did.

"Are you ok?" I held his voice over me, he was softer. I needed that

"Yes, Sir. I just need a few seconds." I was still over his knee. I didn't want to stand up right away, so I wouldn't feel dizzy. I finally sat and felt how much by butt hurt. "Thanks. I would ask for it anyway."

"You need to talk to me. We established that lies aren't allowed. I really wish you had a better time, because I can see clearly that you didn't get too much mental rest."

"You're right Sir, in both cases." I said in a tired voice. In the end the trip wasn't that bad, just one aspect was terrible.

I've been with Mick Dawes for seven moths, but it was the only thing we could have. I wanted no personal part, I only wanted to feel something… and he gave me more than I ever dreamt possible. He washed and massaged me and put me to bed. He took care of me and it was the other thing I needed. He set my alarm and did all my evening routine: checked if the door was locked, if cooker was off, and put clothes for the morning. "You know you needn't have done it." I told him when he lay beside me.

"It was nothing. I'm glad you're back…Ana."


Ok, I get that some of you didn't see that coming :) I read the reactions from the previous time and it was so much fun :)
Let me know if you liked it and see you on next update
~Mila