Howdy my Gangsta brothers! ;)

Now just to clear up a bit of confusion, no Addison is not dying :P what had been written at the end didn't mean she was going to die but because she had done that to Paul she felt like her soul had died. Sorry to confuse ya :P

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own twilight!

Thanks for the review SilverSpear ;)

Without A Muse

I felt like a huge weight had been dropped onto my shoulders.

I struggled up the stairs to my bedroom, each step upwards feeling like a step down into hell. My body ached all over, and when I finally reached the top of the stairs everything hit me like a brick to the head. My body convulsed harshly and I fell onto my knees, more bile wrenching from my gut. I could barely breathe, my mind was screeching in agony.

Every little fragment of my being seemed to feel as if someone was slicing a blunt knife painfully slowly across my heart. The pain was near the point of insanity.

Tears fell out of my eyes and I felt anger swell inside of me as I grew mad that this was the second time today I had a sobbing fit. I was over this pain, I was over losing a piece of myself.

All of a sudden I felt a warm heated hand on my shoulder, and someone kneeling down next to me. I didn't look up, unconcerned since I knew it was one of the pack members. And besides, I don't think I would have cared if it were a murderer anyway. It hurt too much, and right now dying seemed like a good option. My thoughts appalled me, thinking of such things had never been in my nature.

What's happening to me?

"You're refusing the imprint, and because of that you're in pain." A female's voice, which I recognized as Leah's whispered next to me. I hadn't even noticed I had asked out loud, and I let out a painful cry at her answer. Why? Why was I refusing the imprint? I-I loved Paul, I don't want to hurt him! My mind was muddled with confused thoughts as I thought over my actions. But then my confusion faded and answers to my questions flew into my head like a wave.

I did this to protect myself and Paul, I did it to keep him safe from myself and myself safe from him. It's better this way, no one will get hurt anymore.

I let out a sigh as my mind assured me what I was doing was right, and that this was the best for Paul. But my thoughts could not stop the blinding pain the roared through my entire body. I felt Leah squeeze my shoulders gently as I let out a choked cry as the pain burnt me to the core.

This was for the best.

At least that's what the voice in my head told me.

LINE

An unknown amount of time had passed since I broke up with Paul, and I hadn't heard a word from him since.

No one dared to speak his name at home, and if he ever came up in a conversation everyone would look at me as if they were afraid I would explode. Constantly I would repeat to myself I was doing the right thing, but why did the right thing to do hurt so much?

The pain grew worse each day, every morning becoming harder and harder to get out of bed. I struggled for breath with every movement I made, every step taking whatever remaining strength was left inside of me. Every step without Paul by my side.

Every second I would stop and think if maybe I should ring Paul and see if he was alright, see if he was hurting as much as I was. But then something inside of me would stop those thoughts, and then I was only able to wallow in the pain.

School was dreadful, with the bustling of students running to their classes and their yells only making my headache worse. All I wanted to do was shout at them to shut up and knock them out. Charlotte had remained quiet for a change, yet she stood by my side every second she could at school. I think she was as afraid I would crumble to pieces like I was.

Every passing moment became worse and worse, all I wanted was to breathe again and not struggle to take steps in a straight direction.

I never saw Paul at school anymore, and even though I desperately wanted to ask I never did. Because I was afraid of what I would find out. I was afraid that someone would turn around and tell me that… Paul was fine.

I wanted Paul to be hurting as much as I was, I wanted him to be missing me as much as I missed him. But every night I had the same nightmare, Paul walking away from me his arm around another girls waist. And every time the girl was the girl from the car park.

The girl that Paul had a picture of on his phone and the girl that had for some annoying reason never came up again after that day at the car park.

What if the imprint wasn't as strong to him as it was to me?

Classes flew by in a blur, my body reacting as if on auto-pilot.

I felt Charlotte pushing against my shoulders as we walked into our next class, and I looked around the room seeing canvases and easels. My eyes widened slightly as I came to the realization the today was Friday if we had art. Only a week had gone by… it felt like months. I felt Charlotte sit me down in a chair in front of an easel and hand me a brush. I felt her move away to grab some paint and I remained in my seat, looking at the canvas with blank eyes. "Here's some paint." Charlotte said coming up behind me with a Palette in her hands. She places it on a table next to me and pulls her own chair towards me her eyes lingered on me, waiting for me to paint. I placed paint onto my brush and turned back to the canvas as I slowly moved the brush toward it. But my hand stopped midway and my entire body trembled.

"Addison? You okay?" I heard Charlotte whisper behind me as I shivered uncontrollably. The blank canvas was set in front of me, and the brush with paint etched onto its edges.

No beauty or pain came to my mind as usual when the brush was in my hand. There was no occurring image in my mind. Only darkness.

My hands shook as I suddenly came to the realization, that I had lost my muse.

The brush fell from my hand, and my chair banged against the floor as I rose from my seat and ran out of the class. The echo of Charlotte and Brady shouting my name, but the only thing that occurred in my mind was the blank canvas.

What was I now? What was a painter, when they couldn't even paint?

What was I without a muse?

Nothing.

I pushed the school doors to the side and wind harshly smacked against my face.

Tears streamed down my agonized eyes but they widened at the sight in front of me.

Paul was bent over on his knees, his hands in his hair and his mouth open in a silent scream.

And by his side hugging his side… was the girl from the picture.

Now I know this chapter sucked a bit, but I had a bit of a writer's block.. sorry

Review!