When Will woke up the next morning, it felt like his heart was in his head, rather than his chest. His temples were throbbing painfully. Escape from reality always had some sort of price when you surfaced again, Will thought. He felt exhausted, and really, he wouldn't mind staying in bed all day, but he knew he couldn't. Very slowly, he sat up in his bed, stood up and went to the washing servant to splash some water in his face. It bore a dull, grey colour, not pretty at all, but he guessed it would go away soon enough. He placed two fingers over and under each of his eyes and stretched as if it would make him feel more awake. It made his eyes look like those of a fish. He dragged on some black trousers, and an equally black shirt. Then he combed his hair with his fingers, before heading out the door and down to eat breakfast.

He was greeted by the usual "Good mornings" from Charlotte and Henry who were already there. Tessa and Jem came shortly after, smiles upon their lips, hands twined together. Will simply raised an eyebrow, and so it seemed, did Charlotte, but a smile was clearly playing across her lips. Jem locked gazes a few seconds with each person present in the room. He took a deep breath, and then spoke the words that Will so tried to be indifferent to, even smile to. He couldn't say he hadn't expected them.
"We wanted to make this official. Tessa and I are now a couple. I want to spend the rest of my life together with her, actually".
Henry's face lit up immediately, and it looked like Charlotte wanted to cry.
"That's magnificent news, James! I am thrilled on your behalf, we all are, I'm sure of it"! She rose from her chair and gave both Tessa and Jem a big hug.
Will knew that he ought to say something too, so he ruffled Jem's hair in a brotherly fashion, and did his best to put on a delighted mask. "Congratulations, this is amazing news. Fantastic that something like this can happen in such a dark time, right"?!

They happily talked about the big news during breakfast. Will did his best to be engaged in the conversation, getting help by the thought that he really wanted Jem to be happy. It would be better if he himself could make him happy of course, but this wasn't the worst thing that could happen, really.
This didn't change that Will still couldn't be true to his own feelings though, and he understood that he had to do something to break up the mood there, so they could all get angry at him again. He carefully laid the knife and fork down on his plate, and the words came flowing out of his mouth in a silky way, and naturally so after years of practice.

"While I think, as I've said before, that this is amazing news, I just want to make it clear that I don't think Tessa should stay here any longer. I guess that you would want to go with her, Jem, but I really don't think that's a good idea". Will would never have said these words if it weren't for the fact that he knew the others would deny them completely. He continued. "I want to track Mortmain as much as all of you do, but we haven't come any further, have we? I don't think we will either, before Mortmain has Tessa".
Already the others were looking at him in plain disbelief.
"Look, we could make a good plan out of it! If only we prepare ourselves well, we can use Tessa as bait. We can lure Mortmain into a trap. There's nothing he wants more than Tessa, and I'm sure he'll risk anything to get her. Then this could all end! Maybe it's not the best of ideas, but it doesn't seem to me like any of you've got anything bette"…
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND"? Jem shouted out.
"She could get hurt! It probably won't get us anywhere, and besides, there's no way we can take such a risk"!
"Will, Jem is right", Charlotte said sharply. "I can't believe you would suggest such a thing! You should be ashamed of yourself! Of all the things you've said and done Will, this is stepping far over the line"!

"No, Will's the one who has right", Tessa spoke up. She just looked straight forward, eyes fixed on a tapestry hanging on the opposite wall. "I… I want to do this. If we want to get any further in this matter"…
"Tessa, dear, don't even argue. We won't let you do such a thing no matter what you say. I'm so sorry on Will's behalf. Seriously", Charlotte continued when Tessa still tried to protest. "And Will, where on earth do you think you're going? I'm not done speaking to you"! Will had nearly reached the door.
"You're not my mother, Charlotte", Will said in the coolest tone he could manage.
This seemed to put a bit of a stopper on Charlotte, but not for long. "I know, but that doesn't mean I will allow you to talk like that in the Institute that I, I mean… we, Henry and I run". She cast an apologetic look upon Henry. "You can't just leave the room now".
"Oh yeah? Well, watch me then"!

And once again, Will had left the room with several people yelling after him to get back, but this time he didn't feel any satisfaction what so ever. He only felt rage and self-hate. Again he had the urge to punch something, but he resisted. He knew he couldn't keep doing that. Instead he went back to bed, trying desperately to fall asleep again. It took several minutes with flailing around in the bed and soundless screams, but in the end he slowly slipped away from reality yet again, into a dream land that was fully his own. At least no one could take that away from him.

He had a really strange dream. He was on Mars, and there were plenty of aliens there, but they weren't really scary. The part that was scary was that he had to take some sort of elevator that led him to a room underground. He was standing at a platform located at the eastern end of the room, while on the opposite side, there was something he longed after, something he loved deeply, but he didn't know what. He just knew that if he didn't get it immediately, it would be lost forever. He was about to run across the floor towards it, when he heard banging from above.

He woke abruptly. It was Jem who was hammering on the door. "Will, let me come in"!
Will groaned. "Just come in, it's open, but I refuse to leave bed"!
Jem entered. Will was taken by unpleasant surprise when he saw Jem's eyes flashing with pure fury.
"Why are you so angry"? Will's voice sounded weaker than he had intended.
Jem spoke straight forward.
"Will, you know I've always put up with all you've said and done. I've always forgiven you, but this… Have you any idea of how difficult this must be for Tessa already? And how much worse you just made it"?
"I know, I'm sorry".
"You just come there and- … Wait what, you're sorry? Since when did you start to be sorry"?
"I… always, really".
Jem stared at him in disbelief.
"What on earth do you mean, always sorry? Why would you then act like that? I don't believe you".
"I don't blame you", was Will's reply.

And then the first cough came.

"Jem, are you okay? Have you taken the yin-fen today"?
"Yes and yes, I'm completely fine. Of course I am! That doesn't matter right now. I won't allow you to change the subject. I don't get what has gotten into you"?
"Nothing, you're right. I'm just a dumb jerk that can't go through life without being mean to others. You have all the right in the world to hate me".
"Of course I don't hate you, I'm just… What you did was so wrong, and I'm trying to understand you. I thought that maybe us being parabatai…".

Jem put his hand in front of his mouth and coughed a couple of more times.

"There's nothing to get. I'm just Will, that's all".

Jem tried to hide his hand in the pocket of the fine jacket he was wearing, but he wasn't fast enough.
Will rose from his bed, and grabbed Jem's wrist hard. Small droplets of red were visible in his palm. The fear Will always felt whenever this happened, came up strong now.
The coughs kept coming, and although Jem tried, he didn't manage to continue the conversation. He lay down on the floor, unable to stand any longer. The moment Jem was on the floor, tears welled up in Will's eyes. There was something different this time, all though he couldn't describe how. It was like… some power from above told him that this is it.This is your last chance. And what if it was?

"No, that can't be it. This can't be happening, it just can't. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. Only mine", Will mumbled desperately.
"Wha… what's your fault? What are you talking about"?
"You're right. It is something I haven't told you".
He doubted only an instant. He knew it would be wrong to tell Jem, he knew he was selfish, but he had to let Jem know before he lost him. The words began to flood out of his mouth, quite unsteadily.
Jem would just watch with big eyes while he spoke, unable to do anything but shaking his head back and forth, back and forth.

"The reason I left my family is that I care about them too much to let them die for me. They would've died if I stayed. My oldest sister died. I can't watch that happen to Cecily, or my mom or dad. I was a fool, a curious boy acting childish. I just had to nose in my father's stuff. And I came across a demon. My sister, she saved me from it, having read about those creatures. Not before it cursed me, though. It said that everyone who loved me… they would die. All of them. That's why my sister died. I had to escape, I had to come here. I had to keep acting, pretending to be this mean, arrogant boy, because I couldn't let anyone die. It was just too hard. You should hate me for this, you'd be stupid if you didn't".
This would be the hard part. He gulped before he continued.
" My secret is, I allowed myself you. I thought that if you died, it would be because of the drug, not me. You're my great sin. I would allow you to love me if you ever could. I can't stand you dying for me, I won't allow it. It's… Please, don't. Just don't. Stay alive. Please. You have to. It's all my fault. You're the person who means the most to me in this world. I can't tell this to the others, with affection, love might come. I can't allow anyone to love me".

When Jem remembered how to speak, he just said "I love you".

"And I hate myself for it". Will started to cry now, real tears, streaming down his face.

The weird part was that Jem didn't seem shocked at all, only slightly surprised. Probably because he was too busy dying… No, not dying.He was just having a really bad coughing fit, that's all. At least, that's what Will kept telling himself.

Jem had always known there had to be something more to Will's behaviour, it was just that he'd kind of given up hope on ever finding out what it was. And yet, here he was, and Will had given him the whole confession. Everything in his brain exploded. He felt sad, relieved, confused, concerned, a feeling of pity, maybe he was dreaming? That couldn't be it either, because in dreams you didn't remember how you landed there…
There was also an overwhelming feeling of…what? Love? He had always loved Will, but this was something different. Like the last big, ugly barrier between them had suddenly vanished. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Everything within him just craved to bury his chin in Will's shoulder, but that would be unnatural in every single way. What was this? If he didn't know better…

His thoughts got interrupted by a violent shiver that went through his body as he puked. Great amounts of blood poured out now. It was more blood than he'd every puked up. He couldn't deny that it scared him, but he kept gulping up words all the same.

"Don't, just, I understand you, but I don't think that curse can be real. Charlotte loves you. Henry loves you. I'm sure your family didn't stop loving you, but they're all alive. I'm coughing blood because of the drug, not because of you. Otherwise, I would have died another way. Not that I'm dying, of course. Anyway, no one could've lived without anybody loving them. I don't blame you".

Suddenly Jem thought about Tessa, and it just made him even more tired. He had convinced himself it would be right for him to be with her. She was a girl, a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving girl who had all the good qualities he could ever ask for. Yet, what he felt towards Will right now was more the feeling he had expected to feel for a person he would want to spend the rest of his life together with, it was just that Will was a boy.That kind of feelings for a boy was something you only heard of in stories, wasn't it? He'd always thought it was cruel the things people through history had done to homosexual men, but…

In that moment it was as if the last piece in his puzzle-life had fallen into place. He hadn't really felt it missing before, but now he understood that it had been gone. All he wanted to do was to lean in and touch Will, give him a kiss, but that would mean betraying Tessa, and there wasn't like Will had any kind of feelings for Jem, apart from friendly.

"I, I think I'm dying Will. Will, I'm sorry".
"YOU JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T DYING. Seriously, stop"!
" I… I really love you. Might as well say it now anyway, right? I mean I love you like in… I wish I hadn't said those words to Tessa. I know now that she isn't right for me. I thought she were, I really did. I thought that being in love just wasn't as amazing as the books describe it. But this is different, Will. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have this kind of feelings. It's wrong".

"I don't look at loving boys as a sin, I've never really got that part of humanity".

This surprised Jem. "I didn't mean boys loving boys, though. I meant… we're parabatai. I'm breaking the law, loving you this kind of way. I'm an unworthy Shadowhunter".

"Screw the law! It seems like the Clave thinks you can choose who to love! Actually, I'm sick of the whole business. If being a Shadowhunter means that you only can follow a certain pattern, and that everything else is wrong, then… then I don't want to be a Shadowhunter anymore! I'm sick of the whole system. For God's sake, you can't even be yourself. AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE"!

"You're right. I'm sorry. I agree. I…"

He was stopped by gentle lips pressing against his mouth. Jem's eyes widened in shock, and his body was paralyzed for God-knows-how long. He didn't know if this was real or if he had already stepped through the gates to the afterlife, but he didn't really care. He lifted himself up to his elbows so he could kiss Will back. In that moment he forgot all the pain, he forgot about Tessa, and even the fact that he was dying.
Will tried to keep it gentle, but his desperateness made it hard, so he was relieved when Jem broke out of the kiss and hugged Will instead. Jem held on to him with all his reminding strength.

"This is kind of weird, you know" Jem breathed.
"I know. Absurd".
"I really do love you, you know".
"I love you too".

And that was how James Carstaires died.

I will of course write about Will's reaction to Jem's death etc in the next chapter. I hate myself quite a lot for killing Jem, and I also apologize for my inability to write kissing scenes.