Pein: Ok. Let the temporary kisame replacement auditions start! Who's first, konan?
Konan: The first one is a Mr Plankton.
Pein: Ok, send him in . . . . . . Hello Mr Plankton.
Plankton: Hello my fellow seeker of evil, I would like to join your fine evil organisation.
Pein: Hmm . . .
Plankton: What troubles you good sir?
Pein: It's just that you're a bit . . . short to be in akatsuki.
Plankton: What I lack in height I make up for with my evil genius brain, my evil friend.
Pein: You sure do like to say evil a lot. What are your past experiences with organisations of the dark kind?
Plankton: In my home town bikini bottom, I was a member of the evil organisation E.V.I.L.
Pein: . . . Bikini bottom?
Plankton: Well whats your home town-OH WAIT! You don't have one!
Pein: I'd use my awesome starwars ripoff powers on you but then I'd damage the floor and kakuzu wouldn't give me my allowance. I work damn hard for that $1.45 a week and I plan on spending it! Nothing will come between me and my hubba bubba bubble gum! NOTHING!
Plankton: Beside the fact that its difficult to imagine you with hubba bubba bubble gum, we've gotten off topic.
Pein: Sorry, I'm a bit enthusiastic about hubba bubba. I'm actually collecting all the tailed beasts so that I can make all the countries in the world give me a bazzilion dollars so that I can then buy all the hubba bubba in the world! I'll even demand that they make a new flavour for me!
Plankton: What would you call it?
Pein: PAIN!
Plankton: . . . That sounds like a terrible idea but hey, I've spent 30 years trying to out sell a burger joint with chum so what would I know. My references?
Pein: Oh yeah, sorry. So what has E.V.I.L done and what does E.V.I.L stand for?
Plankton: We did really bad stuff! . . .
Pein: . . . There any more to that description . . . ?
Plankton: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!
Pein: I honestly doubt that. You still haven't answered my other question.
Plankton: E.V.I.L stands for 'Every Villain Is Lemons'!
Pein: . . . Wha? . . . Lemons? What do lemons have to do with evil?
Plankton: Go on the internet and type in 'hardcore itachisasuke lemon' and you'll see what I mean.
Pein: Ok . . . lets see . . . hardcore . . . itachi . . . . sasuke . . . lemon . . . its loading . . . I don't see whats so-OH MY GOD! WHAT IS ITACHI DOING TO SASUKE WITH HIS TSUKUYOMI!? 72 HOURS OF-THAT'S JUST WRONG! ARGH! MY EYES! MY EYES HAVE BEEN RAPED! MY BRAIN IS MELTING!
Plankton: I told you.
Konan: Wow . . . Kinky. Uchiha incest and boy on boy . . . Hey look, there's one on you pein!
Pein: MY EYES ARE CLOSED BUT I STILL SEE SASUKE USING HIS SWORD FOR THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE DONE WITH A SWORD HANDLE!
Konan: Ok Mr Plankton, that's all for now. If your accepted we'll send someone to pick you up.
Plankton: I'll be waiting, and tell the boss when he recovers-
Pein: I'VE WITNESSED SOMETHING THAT'S SIX KINDS OF CHEESE AND ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!
Plankton: -that I'm sorry for the mental damage I've done and that I'll make it up to him.
Pein: WE MUST RUN TO THE EAST FOR THE WEST IS TOO FAR TO THE NORTH!
Konan: Ok, see ya. Come on pein. I think you should have a rest. I'll get one of your other bodies to do the rest of the interviews.
Pein: SUNSHINE DAISYS SPOON FEED MY ANU-
Konan: Shut up! You know I don't like that 'A' word for the butt . . . Just go to bed while I go get the animal path.
Pein: I WANA GO SWIMMING BUT I DON'T WANA GET WET! . . . . . .
Konan: Twit . . . . . . Ok animal pein, it's up to you for the interviews.
Animal Pein: . . . Ok . . .
Konan: . . . You're adorable, you should get more screen time . . . The next one up is . . . Am I reading this right? 'The cloak'?
The cloak: Yes that would be me, private investigator and fighter of communism.
Animal Pein: . . . You're here to temporarily fill in kisame's position until he recovers from his sudden baking . . . ?
The cloak: Well I do my best to fill things.
Konan: That's not the smartest thing to say to a female ninja.
The cloak: It's not the smartest thing to say to anybody.
Animal Pein: . . . What's under the hood . . . ?
The cloak: A burning rage to eliminate the communist threat that hangs over our heads on a daily basis. They're in every house, watching us for the moment when we're weak and then they strike from above, falling down and crushing us with their matter and peeling paint. With their ability to keep out the weather that is rightfully mine they are the foe of the ultimate degree. They should not be underestimated and destroyed immediately.
Konan: . . . Isn't that a roof?
The cloak: Why yes it is, look at it up there. Its doing a swell job.
Animal Pein: . . . He's right . . .
Konan: That doesn't answer my question.
Animal Pein: . . . What would you bring to the akatsuki . . . ?
The cloak: I come bearing gifts. Here, have a receipt.
Animal Pein: . . . When are you giving me the receipt . . . ?
The cloak: That would information that I can't give you because it's a tuesday, but I'm sure if you give me a minute I'll do what I can for your injured table cloth.
Konan: What table cloth?
The cloak: The injured table cloth that represents the hopes and freedoms of those who are in disguise. They have no home of which they can stand in so they must depend on the table cloth for the financial support they need. How else are they going to get cash to waste on expensive souvenirs and various flavoured milk? I've supported their cause for many years and I'll do so again.
Konan: Your crazy. All the stuff you say doesn't make any sense and goes off topic.
The cloak: I'm crazy about the future economy of the global warming film documentary business. What will they do when the earth cools down? That is the very question that doesn't have an answer that is an anagram and you know it! Stop denying your heritage and take off your lovely panties, only then can you truly accept the truths I speak.
Konan: GET OUT!
The cloak: Christ, she stood up! Let's get out of here . . . . . .
Konan: . . . Ok, that guy was nuts. I could have sworn I've heard of him on the net before though.
Animal Pein: . . . He's got a video, it's really funny . . .
Konan: Well he wasn't funny now.
Animal: . . . The author found it difficult to bring the true 'the cloak' personality and humor, so he did his best . . .
Konan: God, I fell sorry for him. He sucks at succeeding and he sucks at sucking, what's he meant to do?
Animal Pein: . . . I don't know . . . Next . . . ?
Mario: That would be us, wouldn't it, luigi?
Luigi: Why yes it would mario. That would be us.
Konan: Aren't you guy's plumbers from a video game or something?
Mario: Yes but we've decided to go into the mafia. Didn't we luigi?
Luigi: That we did, mario.
Konan: Ok . . .
Animal Pein: . . . What could you do for the akatsuki . . . ?
Mario: Here that luigi? They want to know what we can do for them.
Luigi: I heard mario.
Konan: Stop saying your names, it's annoying.
Mario: You've got a fine establishment here.
Luigi: Very fine.
Mario: I'd be a pity if something were to . . . happen to it.
Luigi: Yes it would.
Konan: Are you guys threat'ning us?
Mario: We prefer the term 'Organised Protection'.
Luigi: That we do.
Konan: If we don't pay for the 'Organised Protection', what will happen?
Mario: Well you'll hav'ta find out, wont they luigi?
Luigi: That they will.
Mario: We'll keep in touch, dollface . . . . . .
Konan: They left . . . Were we just threaten'd by red and green plumbers?
Animal Pein: . . . Yes . . . Next . . .
Konan: Ok, we'll have to deal with them later. Next is . . . he calls himself 'Aizen'.
Aizen: Hello my dears, might I say that you have a wonderful selection of employees.
Animal Pein: . . . He looks like rat man . . .
Aizen: My my, don't we have a dirty little tongue.
Konan: Stop smiling, you're creeping me out.
Aizen: My apologies, tea?
Konan: What? Where'd you get that tea set from?
Aizen: Sorry darling, you're not the boss.
Animal Pein: . . . Your name has the letters for the word 'nazi' in it . . .
Aizen: Why, yes it does. Isn't that wonderful?
Konan: For an evil twisted bad guy, you're pretty fruity.
Aizen: I went insane.
Animal Pein: . . . How . . . ?
Aizen: Gin decided to play eye spy with tozen, who didn't appreciate the joke and attacked him but ran into a wall. Gin then laughed so hard that his activated his bankai.
Konan: Gin's bankai?
Aizen: Yes, the handle extends instead of the blade.
Konan: . . . That's stupid. Whats the point in that?
Aizen: He also changes his eye colour depending on where you see him. In the manga they're blue-ish, in the anime they're red and in one of the games they're gold.
Konan: That has nothing to do with what we were talking about. We'll get back to you later.
Aizen: Ta-ta . . .
Konan: Yeesh! What a freak!
Animal Pein: . . . My original body has red hair and my seven other bodies have orange hair . . .
Konan: I didn't mean it like that . . . Whatever, you know what I mean. Next is . . . Batman?
Batman: I'm batman.
Konan: I realise that.
Batman: I'm batman.
Animal Pein: . . . I think his name is batman . . .
Konan: . . . I'm starting to worry about you.
Batman: I'm batman.
Konan: You say anything else?
Batman: I'm batman.
Konan: Right . . . Are you related to Matt damon from Team America or boewulf from Boewulf?
Matt damon: Matt . . . Damon.
Beowulf: I am beowulf!
Konan: Dear god! They're here!
Batman: I'm batman.
Beowulf: I am beowulf!
Matt damon: Matt . . . Damon.
Konan: Stop it!
Matt damon: Matt. Damon.
Batman: I'm batman
Beowulf: I am beowulf!
Animal Pein: . . . I like them. You are all hired . . .
Konan: WHAT!?
Beowulf: I am beowulf!
Batman: I'm batman!
Matt damon: Matt . . . Damon!
Konan: WHY LORD, WHY? WAIT UP CRAZY PEIN! IMMA COMMIN REAL SOON!
Cell: IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZAR! BLAH!!
