Reid was right. Solving the case wasn't pleasant in the slightest. The tension between him and Emily was so thick you could cut it with a knife. On the job, they talked when they needed to, but beyond the necessary interactions, they avoided each other as much as possible. And this time, both of them knew why. Luckily, their personal problems didn't affect the team. As usual, they found the UnSub at the last minute, saving someone's life in the process. For this, Reid was extremely grateful. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself if his and Emily's issues had compromised the team's ability to solve the case.
On the jet back home, everyone chatted happily, save Reid and Emily. He sat with his nose in a book, not taking in any of the words, but flipping the page every few seconds to give the illusion that he was reading. She stared out the window, biting her nails down to the quick. Every now and then, their eyes would accidentally meet, making Reid sick to his stomach. So much was hidden in those short glances. There were so many things written in those chocolate eyes of hers.
He hated that things had to be like this. The worst part was thinking about the way things used to be, before he knew how he felt about her, before she made her "error in judgement". Sure, things hadn't always been perfect between them, especially after the Tobias Hankel incident, but whenever things went badly, the two of them had a way of working it out. He wondered how long it would take to work this out.
Just then, Rossi's voice broke through Reid's thoughts.
"So," he said. "Anyone up for that meal?"
"Oh, you know I am!" Morgan smiled.
"As am I!" Garcia chimed in from her computer screen.
"What meal?" JJ wanted to know.
"Rossi was just about to take us out for a bite when we got this case," Morgan explained.
"How about it?" Rossi asked JJ.
"Sounds good to me!" she answered.
"Aaron?" Rossi turned to Hotch, his eyebrows raised expectantly.
"I would, Dave, but Jack's waiting for me to tuck him in at home."
"Fair enough. Reid? Emily? You two in?"
Reid and Emily's heads shot up in unison, their eyes as wide as dinner plates. A meal with the team? They couldn't both go. But it didn't make sense for both of them to opt out, either. In any case, Reid wasn't really in the mood for another humiliating night out.
"Maybe next time, guys," he declined. "I'm pretty beat."
That was that. Emily would go out with the team, Reid would head home, and everyone would be better off. But then, Emily said something that surprised him.
"So am I. Thanks for the offer, Rossi, but I think I'm just gonna stay in with Sergio tonight."
Reid narrowed his eyes in confusion. What was that about? When Rossi had first offered to take them out for dinner, she had agreed in a flash. Why change her mind now? Thoughts started to bounce around in his head. Did her sudden refusal have something do to with him? He couldn't imagine why. He had backed out on dinner just so that she would feel comfortable enough to go. Didn't she realize that? Then again, she might have been telling the truth. In all probability, she was just exhausted after the case and couldn't handle the idea of one more late night. It probably wasn't about Reid at all. And when that thought crossed his mind, an unexpected sensation washed over him. Disappointment? Jealousy? He wanted her to be jumbled up on the inside, like him, but maybe she just didn't feel that way. Maybe he had been projecting his own feelings onto her and creating false tension between them. Maybe she had completely forgotten about the night in the hotel room. He had assumed that their kiss, however brief, had been significant, but the more Reid thought about it, the clearer it became. Kissing Spencer Reid might have been one of the most insignificant things ever to happen to her.
At first, Reid was afraid that Emily had declined Rossi's invitation because of him. In the time it took for him to get home, however, he had convinced himself that Emily wasn't thinking about him at all. He wasn't sure which was worse. He felt miserable about the whole situation and every time he tried to think things through, his head throbbed and his stomach tightened up. He wasn't used to being so lost in his own mind. He yearned for either complete clarity or complete escape, and clarity didn't seem like it was going to make an appearance anytime soon.
As Reid walked in the door, he noticed something flashing out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see a light blinking on his phone cradle. Someone had left him a message on the answering machine. He closed and locked the door behind him, wondering who it could be from. Hardly anyone ever called him.
He put his bags down in the entryway and went to brew himself a pot of coffee, trying to ignore the flashing light. He didn't know why, but he had a bad feeling about it. The flashing light refused to be ignored, however, and Reid's patience didn't last very long. After a couple of minutes, the constant blink got the better of him. He strode over to the phone and dialled the answering machine.
"You have one new message," the mechanic female voice informed him. "To review your messages, press one."
Reid did so. Immediately, a voice he knew all too well filled his ears. His heart sank.
"Hello, Dr. Reid? This is Dr. Norman from the Bennington Sanitarium. I'm calling to inform you of some incidents that have occurred recently. Your mother… well, she's been acting out. More than usual. I'm afraid her health is deteriorating, Dr. Reid, and it's getting harder to deal with her outbursts. If her behaviour continues, you might have to think about moving her to a different facility- one that would be better equipped to handle her condition. Feel free to call me back if you have any questions."
Reid stood fixed to the spot, still holding the phone to his ear.
"End of message. To delete this message, press seven. To reply to it, press eight. To save it, press nine," the lady said.
Reid did nothing. He just stayed where he was, in sheer disbelief. His mother had been at Bennington for over ten years. All of a sudden, they were no longer able to handle her condition? How badly was her health deteriorating for them to make such a call?
"Are you still there?" the lady persisted. "To delete this message, press seven. To reply to it, press—"
Reid slammed the phone down furiously. Then, trying to calm himself down, he took a deep breath. His thumb found its way to his mouth, where he began to absent-mindedly gnaw on it. He rocked back and forth on his heels, weighing his options. There was one notion that wouldn't leave his mind. Every thought led back to it. Ever since Emily had mentioned it in his hotel room, the idea had been lurking around in the back of his brain, tempting him. He had tried putting it off for as long as he could, but at this point, he knew that it was inevitable. This was the last straw and he was tired of ignoring his impulses.
In what seemed like five seconds, Reid flew to his bedroom, dropped to his knees in front of his desk, opened the middle drawer and pried out the false bottom. And there it was. One single glass vial and a syringe lying beside it, just waiting to be used. Reid hesitated for a moment, staring at the Dilaudid, before scooping it out of the drawer and holding it in his trembling hands.
Ring, ring, ring!
Suddenly, Reid's cell began to buzz in his pocket, making him jump and drop his Dilaudid. When he realized that the noise was coming from his phone, he considered not answering it for a moment. Then, fearing that the call could be important, he took out his phone and pressed 'Talk'.
"Hello?"
"Reid?" a voice practically screamed on the other end, making Reid jump once again.
"Hello?" Reid repeated. "Garcia, is that you?"
"The one and only!" she replied. "Reid, what is this nonsense about you being too tired to go out for a nice meal with your fellow agents?"
"Garcia, I—I'm just not feeling up to it. I'm sure you're having a good time without me."
"Oh, we are," she assured him. "But it's not too late to join us! The fun's just getting started!"
"If I were to join you, I'm fairly certain that I'd just be a stick in the mud again," Reid began. "Like the night at the—"
Suddenly a thought struck Reid.
"You know what, Garcia?" he said. "I have to go. But thanks for calling."
"Okay, but—"
Reid hung up before she could finish her sentence. He slipped his phone back into his pocket and picked up the Dilaudid again. He knew exactly what he wanted to do. His plan was dangerous and it was self-destructive. Therefore, it was perfect. The way he saw it, he didn't have much to lose. The woman of his dreams wanted nothing to do with him and his mother's health was going down the tubes. He might as well push his own boundaries and see how far he could go. He was sick of being the socially-awkward genius that everyone felt sorry for. He needed do something completely out of character just to see if he was capable.
He crossed the room to sit on the edge of his bed. His heart pounding, he unscrewed the top of the glass vial and pushed the syringe into its contents, extracting as much of the drug as he could. He then took the syringe out of the bottle and positioned it over his right forearm. Taking a shaky breath, he eased the tip of the needle inside his arm, moved his hand to the top of the syringe and pushed down. Instantly, his eyes snapped shut and his head snapped back. He couldn't help but let out a gasp as he felt the drugs coarse through his veins. There was the release he had been searching for. There was the escape he had been longing for. He couldn't believe that he had spent so long resisting his cravings. What was the point? Everything would always end up right back here. This was where everything was. He was the centre of his own universe. Nothing else existed.
And he wasn't done yet. The worst was still to come.
CM BAU CM BAU CM BAU - LATER - CM BAU CM BAU CM BAU - LATER- CM BAU CM BAU CM BAU
Twenty minutes later, Reid arrived at the bar. It was the same bar he had gone to with the team on that fateful night. Tonight, however, he predicted that things would be different. It probably had something to do with the fact that he was high out of his mind. He wasn't quite sure.
Once inside, the first thing he did was approach the bartender. She was young, maybe in her mid-twenties, and very beautiful. Between the lights in the bar and Reid's drug-addled vision, her hair seemed to sparkle with tiny gold flecks. When she saw him, she pulled her lips back in a huge smile. It seemed like she was swaying back and forth. Or maybe Reid was swaying back and forth- he couldn't tell.
"What can I get for you, sugar?" she asked sweetly.
"I'll have… I'll, uh… What do you recommend?" he spluttered.
"Well, that entirely depends on what you're looking for," she winked at him.
"Anything," Reid said.
"Ooh, bartender's choice," she squealed, pouring numerous liquids into a glass and sliding it over to him. "Here you go, honeybun. My favourite."
"What is it?" Reid asked, taking a sip.
"Sex on the Beach," the bartender replied.
"Excuse me?"
"The drink," she chuckled. "That's its name."
"Oh. Do you have anything stronger?"
"Of course, darling," she said obligingly. "Why don't I take the Sex on the Beach, and you take a Dirty Martini?"
Reid nodded his approval as the bartender began to pour a different assortment of liquids into another glass.
"My name's Randi, by the way," she said, giving Reid his drink.
"I'm Spencer," he replied. "Spencer— Just Spencer."
"Well, how's your drink, Just Spencer?"
Reid looked at Randi for a moment, picked up his Dirty Martini, and gulped it back in one go. He embraced the sharp taste, wincing as he swallowed.
"Wow!" he exclaimed, shaking his head violently. "It's—Wow. It's perfect. Can I have another?"
Randi looked at him, wide-eyed. Then she gave a little shrug and began pouring once again.
"Whatever you want, sweet-cheeks," she crooned. "Just don't overdo it."
Reid wasn't quite sure what he was trying to accomplish. He knew that this was one of the stupidest things he'd ever done, but this wasn't just about trying to be stupid. It was more about doing something without thinking about what the outcome would be. It was about forgetting his oh-so-many inhibitions. It was about letting go. And as he gulped back drink after drink, he certainly seemed to be accomplishing that.
After his fourth or fifth Dirty Martini, Randi refused to pour him another.
"That's enough, babe," she insisted. "Look at you. You look pretty bad."
She was right. And Reid felt about as bad as he looked. His head was pounding, his stomach was churning and his veins were being charged with a mixture of blood, Dilaudid and alcohol. But he didn't want to stop. He wasn't done yet.
"No, I—" he objected slushily. "I need another. Just one more, please."
"I'm sorry, Spencer," she shook her head. "You're about to fall right over. I can't keep on serving you in your condition. You want me to call you a cab or something?"
Reid tried to respond, but his tongue wouldn't work. He felt as if it had swollen up to fill his entire mouth. All he could get out were a series of whimpers.
"Spencer?" Randi sounded nervous. "Spencer, what's going on?"
As he looked at her, trying and failing to communicate, her golden hair began to fade to black. As a matter of fact, everything started to fade to black. The light began to swirl around him as it disappeared to almost nothing. He felt air swallow him up and push him backwards. Something hit his back forcefully and his breath left him. He didn't know if it would ever come back.
"Spencer!" he heard Randi yelling. "Spencer!"
"It's okay," he heard another voice say. "It's fine, I've got him."
"You…him?"
"I…together…we…"
"Will…okay…"
The voices began to die away so that Reid could only hear snippets of the conversation they were having. He was certain that he'd heard the second voice somewhere before. He just couldn't place it. Maybe another Reid had heard the voice, in another life. In a desperate attempt to figure out who it was, he wrenched his eyes open as best he could. Above him, he saw a glowing figure. Some sort of angel? He wasn't sure. There was light all around her, flooding his vision, blinding him. Just as he was no longer able to keep his gaze on the shimmering outline, he felt a soft hand on his cheek.
"Stay awake, Reid," the figure said, his ears distorting her voice. "Whatever you do, try to stay awake."
It was at this moment that Reid slipped into the darkness once again. No sound, no light, no feeling. There was nothing.
