The First Time

"Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness."
― Poppy Z. Brite

The first time we met, you were sprawled out on the floor, cheeks red with embarrassment wearing the ugliest bathing suit I'd ever seen. Not the most impressive introduction, but it was memorable. I'll never forget that moment as long as I live.

The first time we argued was barely a day after we met. We were in a high school computer lab guarding some scientist I can barely remember anymore. You didn't know me, you didn't trust me. I didn't blame you.

The first time we agreed was just outside of Fate's tower. I dazzled you with my scientific knowledge and caught you completely off guard. For a moment, just a moment I thought we might actually be able to move past our rocky start and forge some kind of friendship. I was wrong, but in a good way.

The first time you saved my life I was angry. I'd never needed anybody's help before, never wanted it. I was sure you were going to hold it over my head and gloat, rub it in my face and remind me I was a replacement. You never said a word about it other than "are you ok?"

The first time I knew you cared I thought it was a lie. I'd heard the stories, listened to Robin and Kal explain what had happened, but when Megan shared her mind with me, I didn't know what to say. You risked your life to find me, you never gave up hope, and you bravely met your fate. It scared me honestly. Outside of my mom and my sister, no one ever cared about me. I never had the courage to say thank you, but things changed that day for me, for both of us.

The first time I lost your trust I hated myself. Everyone accepted me from the beginning, everyone eventually trusted me, everyone but you. It was a long road, but that day on the Bioship meant more to me than you'll ever know. You have nothing to prove, not to me. You believed in me, you stood up for me, and I rewarded that faith by lying and betraying you. It's what I always do.

The first time I knew I loved you didn't happen with a kiss, or even a first date. It came with a confession. I was so tired of running, tired of lying, but even as I watched Conner baring his soul I knew I wasn't ready. I was such a coward. Then I saw you. I saw the way you reacted, the way you accepted. I took the leap without a second thought. When I was done you still stood by me, even closer I think. Later that night when I handed you my father's mask and you smiled, I was convinced. It would still take me months to tell you how I felt, but it wasn't because I didn't feel it, it was because I felt I didn't deserve it.

The first time we kissed didn't take me by surprise at all, I'd been imagining it, waiting for it, but for someone as fast as you it took you long enough. It was the best mistake I'd ever made and I never regretted it for a second.

The first time we broke up I wished I could turn back time. I'd been in love with you for months, but when you said the L word out loud for the first time I freaked. It was easy to love you in my mind, on my own terms, but it was scarier than hell to hear it spoken. People didn't love in my family, the word was taboo. I felt like I'd betrayed you all over again and I'll never forget the look on your face as I told you I couldn't see you anymore.

The first time I saw you on my doorstep after that day my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. You had a speech prepared, trying to apologize for something you didn't do, but I never gave you the chance. Between my tears and your lips I finally said the word. It felt so good and promised myself I would never stop telling you until your dying day.

The first time we decided to leave the team was in my bed at 3:15 am in Stern Hall. Nine hours earlier we'd watched one of our closest friends shut the casket and say one final goodbye to the woman he loved. I closed my eyes and saw red hair and freckles lying in there and I knew I was done. What I didn't know was you'd come to the same conclusions months prior but kept it from me. You thought being a hero was too important to me to give up, but you were wrong. The most important thing had his arms wrapped around me holding on for dear life that night, just as scared as I was, feeling guilty that at Tula's funeral all we could think about was each other.

The first time we moved in together I had absolutely no fear at all, but I wasn't going to tell you that. It was too much fun watching you squirm. We basically spent almost every night together anyway, "god how our roommates hated us." I'd seen the way you rubbed the back of your neck nervously, the way you paced back and forth out in the courtyard of my dorm as you rehearsed and rehearsed your spiel. You were such a scientist, explaining Newton's Laws of Attraction and how certain forces would likely follow similar laws analogous to the three laws of planetary motion. At one point you just stopped, completely lost on the point you were originally trying to make. I loved it when you stumped yourself. I almost felt bad when I cut you off mid-sentence and told you we should live together. You'd prepped so hard to try and convince me and it was fun to actually see you speechless as you tried to figure out what had just happened. You had more important things to do with your lips than talk anyway, something I reminded you of later that night.

The first time I'd ever been on a submarine I hated it, every god damn second of it. I'd made some really stupid decisions in my life, but this one shot to the top of the list. The moment that heavy steel door closed I was at Tula's funeral all over again. What hurt the most was watching you keep a brave face while your heart broke inside. You lied and told me you were fine, but your eyes betrayed you, they always did. "What could go wrong" I asked with a fake smile on my face, the answer was everything.

The first time you died…

Artemis stopped typing as she felt her bottom lip slowly making its way upward. She'd relived so many beautiful moments while writing this paper for her creative writing class, but the last two paragraphs were too painful, too personal. It was supposed to be a work of fiction. She could choose to be anyone she wanted; she chose a superhero, if only her professor knew.

She'd seen a lot of death over the years, but nothing ever hurt like this. Nothing ever would. She pinched the bridge of her nose, rubbing the moistness away when she felt a warm supportive hand rest on her shoulder as her hand reached up to hold it. Determined fingers reached past her and took the mouse, highlighting the last line and deleting it

"This is beautiful, but I really don't like that last line."

She smiled, putting her palm over his freckled wrist, "Me either," she sniffled.

"May I?" he asked

She smiled warmly and sat up from the chair, watching as the red head took her place.

"Let's finish this off on a high note shall we?"

She nodded as Wally began typing "The first time I knew I'd live happily ever, that everything would be alright, was the moment that someone found something I'd lost and returned it to me, more or less in the same condition I remembered. That was the first and last time I'd ever worry about losing it again."

She smiled in approval and took the mouse back and hit save.

"Easy A," Wally grinned, ghosting his fingers down her cheek.

"Nothing easy about it," she corrected, taking his hand and kissing it.

"Let's go to bed beautiful, we still have three hours till our Soviet Political Systems class, maybe you could remind me about that night I asked you to move in with me again?"

"I asked you," she scolded.

"Semantics," he smirked, "I was talking more about the part where you said I had more important things to do with my lips. I liked that part."

"Me too babe, me too." she sighed, taking his warm body to their bed and melting into it.